DD is calling social services on me in the morning

[moodymelting]

DD is 13 and has turned Kevin and Perry overnight.
She has turned into a nightmare.
When ever she is told off she resorts to telling me to 'go away and leave her alone and name calling or covering her ears shouting la la la . She will NEVER admit she is in the wrong or apologise. She will do nothing at all to help in the house.

She spilt sweets she had bought all over my bedroom floor along with cut up tights and cardboard she had been messing with. I asked her twice to move it and she refused resorting to her go away and leave me alone tactic. When I did not back down she has gone mad! She walked into the kitchen and tipped my rubbish bin all out on the floor saying she was not picking it up and I could.

Apparently I want a perfect child because she's never done anything wrong, I am selfish, mean, she hates me. I'm a rubbish Mum and she would be better off with a different Mum than me who is a tight mess because I have refused to go tomorrow to pick up something for her when she's behaved like this.
Oh and she barricaded the room door shut with a chair so I couldn't go to bed.

I have told her that if she likes I will dial the number myself and I am sure they will rush right over to a child behaving like a total brat in-between dealing with the neglected kids who have no clothing/food or being abused

How on earth do you deal with the teen strops????!!!
N/C btw as everyone on my Facebook will know my user name otherwise!

13 was definitely the worst year for both my girls, the oldest was lovely again by 14 but it took my youngest until she was about 16 before She returned to 'normality'.

The only bit of advice I have is to save your battles for the big stuff, if I had shouted and threatened every time they annoyed me it would have been a very unpleasant household indeed so a lot used to be ignored. We always made sure we did nice things together as a family just to keep us all upbeat really. They never did anything really bad it was just the stroppiness and door slamming that got me.

It does get better, mine are 22 and 18 now and we all enjoy spending time together. They've both moved out now, the youngest is at uni but we like to meet up for lunch every now and then. They're both bringing their boyfriends over for a meal next week.

There is light at the end of the tunnel

I feel the need to own up to the take the door off post about a yr ago, I got blasted for it but it was effective with me and I was a caaaaw

She doesn't sound out of control - it's attention seeking.

Sit down and let her get on with it..

Deal with it when she's calm.

You sound worried about saying no to her - like she's always got her own way.

There are girls like this in DD class and they have no friends because they want to be boss all the time - maybe she feels like the boss at home too?

DD avoids these types as she can't be controlled has a mind of her own so often gets a backlash from them for not following like a sheep!

All I can say is going for a long drive in the car as a pp said, is a good idea.

Ds1 struggles with anxiety, and his behaviour at times had dh and me just at an utter loss as what to do with him.

It was only after one horrendous evening of awful behaviour, that I lost it, and just told him to get in the car, after he had been packing his bags telling us he's rather live on the street then with us.

He threw his bags in the car and got in, in anger, but as we were driving away, his rage started to fade, he stropperly asked me where we were going, I didn't actually know, and told him. Whilst driving and with his rage disappearing, we were able to talk, I asked him why he was always so angry with us?, why he enjoyed creating such an atmosphere in the house? And asked him if he enjoyed being this way?

The answers were,

1. I don't know
2. I don't know
3. No

We drove a while then stopped for a drink and something to eat at a service station.

That's when we found out about his anxiety and what made him anxious, which ranged from the most trivial of things to ww3.

He has self help books and sees the counsellor at school when needed too. He is coping much better now, still has his moments. But he and us can now recognise when something is amiss.
Occasionally he has asked to go for a drive and a café because he feels anxious and just wants to talk.

I've had to do the drive with ds2 as well, but most of his problems stem from what and how he saw his older brother behaving, it use to upset ds2 alot when ds1 kicked off all the time.

One of mine was similar. I aged 5 years in 12 months.

Remind her that social services would remove her from her home, not you.

And yes to talking in the car. I Read a book called something like "get out of my life but first take me and Alex into town" it helped. And gin. And not letting their misery take over your life.and gin.

I've had this recently, I've downgraded the parental control setting from young teenager to child and so many websites are now blocked. Apparently the solution to this is to call me stupid and storm off and have a strop, of course that really helped!

Oh dear, am I the only one whose DDs behaviour is worse if we are in the car? It has become such a trigger that I rarely take her anywhere in the car now as I know it will lead to a big bust up.

What happens in the car? littleleftie

You call them!

You might need the support of professionals as a family for a while.

She clearly is not listening to you but with an unbiased element involved where you both have your own support it might help.

S/s probably won't see this as a viable case that they need to be involved in but they can refer you as a family on somewhere to access support

She complains about my choice of radio station - she is a total control freak. When I explain, calmly that I need it on for the traffic news as we are about to enter a very busy city, she tuts and tells me how stupid I am .

She then complains about my driving ( one minor accident in over thirty years of driving) Why are you slowing down here? because the speed limit is 20 You were so close to that car!!! yes, they veered right over the line to avoid a cyclist and nearly hit me Then the general moaning starts - why do/don't I do this/that/something else?

She seems to see it as an opportunity to rip into me and I am a captive audience. I can't tell you how many times I have stopped the car and told her to get out!!! She is a nagging control freak and for some reason, the car brings out the worst in her! She is nearly 19 by the way and been like this since she was 13.

Just offering a hand to hold.

I brought up five kids as a single mum (3 girls, 2 boys) and some of them were...challenging in the extreme! Eldest son, on being grounded and sent to his room, locked himself in the bathroom, climbed out of the window and went to whatever he'd been banned from anyway. Tried throwing clothes in the bin if they didn't clear up, to be told (by a five year old!!) 'doesn't matter, you'll just have to buy us new stuff, it's your money you're wasting.'

I was exhausted, hopeless and, eventually, helpless. With all five of them taking every second of my time, no child got much attention (though I tried), and they all egged each other on, because when one was behaving badly I got too knackered to deal with the others. I was a rubbish mum for most of their childhoods. But, you know what? They all grew out of it, and now they're a lovely bunch of adults, who have time for me and each other, and all seem to enjoy one another's company (and mine).

So grit your teeth and get through it. This, too, will pass.

PS I shouted a lot too. And swore. They survived.

Not worried in the slightest about saying no Sally, she has been told no when needed all her life. It is only recently she has become an utter nightmare.

She is rubbish socially though and always has been, I am saddened but not surprised she has few friends, she is not a bully or nasty to people at school in fact she is very shy and quiet and struggles to mix but she does try to control the situation by wanting things to be done her way. If people do not do it their way she does not kick off at them or make a fuss but she leaves them to it.

I had awful teen years, and my parents still talk about it now. My mum took the right approach, remaining calm most of the time and giving me the option to be good. We are very close now. My dad, on the other hand, used to explode right along with me. Our relationship was never the same and I believe with hindsight he'd be different now. It must be awful dealing with a teen like that but I was suffering terrible mood swings and was miserable most of the time. Going on the pill at 18 changed my life and I settled right down. I understand that's probably not an option for a long time though!

littleleftie time for driving lessons or the bus maybe or even bike?

If she needs to get somewhere at 19 I'd say I'll take you if you don't moan or criticise my driving, if you can't promise that, find your own way. I know at 13 you can't do that but she an Adult now.

I have to say I was an awful teen, my mum took me for a drive once too, she was at the end of her teather with me. On route through her tears and hyperventilating she threatened to drive us both of a bridge and kill us both. It certainly panicked me and I nearly shit myself. I shut up, so she probably thought job done.

Unfortunately I just hated her more and backed up my feelings of getting the hell out the family home as soon as possible. My mum always loved using emotional blackmail.

I think it's important not to burden a teen with your feelings, they have enough of a problem dealing with their own. I don't mean shut down emotionally. But I don't think you help if you let them know how bad they make you feel, they don't mean to and most of the time they don't enjoy it.

It sounds like you need to find out why she is so controlling of her friends and her social issues. It would also be interesting to know if she is able to control her explosive outbursts or not.

It does seem that she needs some kind of help, but I'm not sure what.

'through her tears and hyperventilating she threatened to drive us both of a bridge and kill us both'

That's awful ILeave!

Similar to my friend's mum who used to tell her to go an top herself even when I was young teen and it was a time where 'come here, I'm going to bloody kill you' was regularly said, I could recognise that was a seriously fucked up thing to say to your DC.

moodymelting - could your DD be on the autistic spectrum?

It does sound as though she tries very hard to rein in her behaviour at school etc so lets rip at you.

I feel for you OP. Mine aren't teens yet but my mam and me had huge screaming crying fights in my teens. She was perimenopausal with no HRT and I was a teen. Im amazed we didn't batter each other. My brother was worse, awful. I will never forget the day my dad loaded us all into the car and drove to a young offenders prison. We sat at the gate looking in for 2 hours. It gave us all a serious fright and calmed some teenage tempers for a good while I tell you! Id dial social services for her and tell her to ring, call her bluff. Take down her door and lock your. Until she respects other people space she doesn't get one of her own.

She would be MORTIFIED if any of the cadet or martial arts leaders knew about her behaviour.

I would call her bluff and say you are very concerned that the cadets or martial arts thing might be causing this behaviour (even though you know damn well it won't be) and that you are going to give it a week and if there is not a vast improvement to meet with those leaders to discuss it all.

She will want to keep this kind of thing secret - can you imagine if she tried this kind of thing at school or at the clubs? - so break down that home/elsewhere barrier.

Everything you are saying points to more than a stroppy teen. It's control and anger issues. If you are on eggshells then you need support from GP and referral. This isn't just affecting yiur DD - it's affecting the family.

PDA is pathological demand avoidance. It's avoiding any demands put on you as a way of control and is deep seated in anxiety.

I'm shocked by how many people think it's an acceptable punishment to remove a teenager's door. To me this is just a nasty, quasi-bullying thing to do - and yes, the teenager in question has done some nasty things herself, but an adult stooping to that level and responding in kind isn't going to help the situation.

I had this done to me as a teenager and I found it a humiliating invasion of my privacy - far worse than being slapped or having TV, etc. taken away. It didn't feel like a reasonable consequence but as someone with more power than me exercising it in a way they knew would hurt me. It damaged my relationship with my parents for a long while, which other punishments didn't do no matter how unfair I might have thought they were at the time!

' It didn't feel like a reasonable consequence but as someone with more power than me exercising it in a way they knew would hurt me.'

That's the whole point of doing things you know your DC won't like to get them to comply though, and I suppose taking a door off is pretty benign in the scheme of things compared to threatening to kill them horribly by driving off a bridge.

If you're able to deescalate things after a blow up and be 'normal' for a while, I reckon it's fine to push the buttons you know will grab their attention (so long as they're not too extreme of course).

The problem seems to be if you're either relentlessly pushing their buttons 24/7 without a break (which inevitably leads to going OTT when the sting is taken out of smaller punishments) or, as in the OP's case, you can't find/don't feel comfortable using those buttons.

Removing bedroom doors is a gross invasion of privacy - which is important to teens and absolutely a right. Horrible idea.