DD is calling social services on me in the morning

[moodymelting]

DD is 13 and has turned Kevin and Perry overnight.
She has turned into a nightmare.
When ever she is told off she resorts to telling me to 'go away and leave her alone and name calling or covering her ears shouting la la la . She will NEVER admit she is in the wrong or apologise. She will do nothing at all to help in the house.

She spilt sweets she had bought all over my bedroom floor along with cut up tights and cardboard she had been messing with. I asked her twice to move it and she refused resorting to her go away and leave me alone tactic. When I did not back down she has gone mad! She walked into the kitchen and tipped my rubbish bin all out on the floor saying she was not picking it up and I could.

Apparently I want a perfect child because she's never done anything wrong, I am selfish, mean, she hates me. I'm a rubbish Mum and she would be better off with a different Mum than me who is a tight mess because I have refused to go tomorrow to pick up something for her when she's behaved like this.
Oh and she barricaded the room door shut with a chair so I couldn't go to bed.

I have told her that if she likes I will dial the number myself and I am sure they will rush right over to a child behaving like a total brat in-between dealing with the neglected kids who have no clothing/food or being abused

How on earth do you deal with the teen strops????!!!
N/C btw as everyone on my Facebook will know my user name otherwise!

I think I'll start calling you Emily.

fourage If you're like this in RL, I'd imagine that people telling you to shut your fucking mouth is pretty much a daily occurrence, I'm surprised you're so upset. You have directly or indirectly criticised numerous posters' parenting on this thread including the OP who came here for help. That is far more upsetting to most people than being told to fuck off. One person personally attacked you and you've been going on about it ever since.
Please just go away and write your book, it's getting boring now.

I'm not upset at all hoolies.
I appreciate your concern however,

Of cause you are not Emily rabbiting on about ONE personal attack. Isn't playing the injured party is it.

Please take a look at your own attitude towards other posters. Look at your social skills and how you come across. and maybe look at what you say and how it is, hurtful/judgemental/condescending

With a little more thought when posting, you could actually get across what you want, without upsetting other people.

Good. Stop going on about it then. Anyway, must go as I'm off to watch my delinquent DS play piano in a concert. Hope the book's going well.

I deal with teenage tantrums on an almost daily basis. Yesterday it was because her sister used all of the conditioner, on purpose just to upset her

She stood in the bathroom wailing about how she'd have to go school with greasy hair and everyone would call her chip pan head and it was all her sister's fault.

I'm so dysfunctional it's a wonder my children made it to their teenage years

I bought more conditioner from the corner shop. She survived the trauma.

You used the word dysfunctional in two posts. I can go back and quote if needs be.

Everyone else on the thread almost has offered ideas, solutions, books and reassurance, your posts have done nothing but reinforce that someone is a rubbish parent and that your children would never behave that way because of their morale compass. When I pulled you up on the word dysfunctional as someone who has masses of experience with actual dysfunctional families you again used the world dysfunctional as a 'sorry I think you are'

For the record

Dysfunctional:
A dysfunctional family is a family in which conflict, misbehaviour, and often child neglect or abuse on the part of individual parents occur continually and regularly, leading other members to accommodate such actions.

It has not happened continually, I cannot see anywhere where the child is being allowed to behave this way with no consequence leading other members to accommodate such actions nor I cannot see where there is denial from adults that the child's behaviour is wrong and needs dealing with.
I cannot see where the child is being abused

To those who have asked we have had no issues since. DD realises she was out of order and has been apologetic and determined to help. She passed her karate exam on Monday and is about to carry out her passing out parade with cadets (which involves strict behaviour, representing the community, volunteering in the community and such.)

She has exceptional for behaviour on her school report
She has exceptional behaviour at karate and cadets
We had no behavioural issues what so ever from her for the entire of primary school either at home or at school.
I have a well achieving child who is working hard and behaving exceptionally at school, despite having some learning needs is on target for high scores at G.C.S.E level. Already knows what she wants to be and is focused on how to get there, is achieving so well at karate that she has double graded several times and is already on the squad despite being several belts lower than anyone else on the team.

I posted to ask for advice on teenage strops not for someone to tell me how bad a parent I am.

moody so glad you came back and that things are going better. There is some really good advice on here before it got hijacked by you know who. The teenagers section on here is also really helpful.

It sounds like she's doing really well for herself.

Teenagers have poor impulse control, they revert back to toddlerhood in a way, but now their strops are not over getting he wrong coloured sippy cup, they're over the fact that the world and everything in it is conspiring against them

She'll go back normal in about 8 years.

Did someone say something about gin?

Sounds idyllic moody.

Not sure why you started the thread if things are so rosy.

So glad you came back OP.

I have reported certain posts on this thread and told mumsnet allowing it to stand without even a word from MNHQ, isn't ok.

Please don't let it make you feel crap, you are not X

Glad its taken a turn for the better OP.
One of the things that always amazed me about working and livibg with kids is that for them, each day is a new start. They go from unbearable to adorable in 24 hours.

I posted because she is not perfect and because she had had a handful of occasions in which either due to hormones, poor impulse control or the consequence of being in a family with a (according to you) clearly dysfunctional Mother she has lost control and I wanted advice on how to deal with these so that this did not become a regular thing. i.e I wanted to clamp down on this behaviour so that it did not become a regular occurrence.

She is not perfect, she has a good moral compass, she does not misbehave in school partly because she hates it when classes are disrupted by bad behaviour and partly because she would hate to be sent to room 101 which is the bad behaviour room where children work in silence. She behaved at home for the last 12 years because I taught her right from wrong and she did not want to disappoint me or her grandparents and because there were consequences if she did not.

When your child misbehaved over the house move did you view yourself as dysfunctional?

Mumsnet is a forum you can do that you see.
For the last ten years I have been on this forum I have asked advice numerous times on anything from sen, struggling with homework and bullying.

Hope that helps :)

I've reported as well. moody take no notice.

Great to hear you are in a better place. It is amazing how that can happen. Hope it stays like that. It´s lovely to hear she is doing so well now.Well done, excellent job!

I have similar problems with my dd (13) - which make me really miserable at times. I try to keep calm in the heat of the moment, but don´t always manage. There are consequences and there are talks about why it happened, what is going on in her life etc. When she is relaxes and open to talking, she is really lovely and caring.

But I have an added problem in DH. He is much more consequences, no chatting, no problem solving. And sees my mixed approach - and also choosing my battles - as weak. And somehow a personal insult to him, because I am not doing things his way. He also thinks I should get counselling because dds worst behaviour is directed at me. He implies I am too emotionally involved with her. (we have two other dc who are younger, and not as "explosive" so my relationship with them is, for the moment, easier) This leave me feeling blamed for her behaviour, criticised and unsupported. Its a nightmare. He refuses to read parenting books or come to parenting classes because it is mostly an issue between me and DD. He says, I disagree. He also lives here, also has fights with her - and sometimes over dinner I can see how his reaction escalates her behaviour. Shouldn´t we be solving this together? He does all sort of kind stuff for lots of people outside the family, but just refuses to come with me on this one.

I wish, at least, he would read this thread. There are so many different experiences to learn from.

With you all the way Moody, it's because (can't italics sorry) they're doing well at school and hobbies,and because we know they know better, that the stropping around is so frustrating. (Pointedly ignoring youknowwho who seems to have mercifully taken the hint and buggered off to be indifferent elsewhere...) And if it was only the 'dysfunctional' who rock up here for vent and some intelligent understanding then Mumsnet would be very quiet indeed.

Willsee am rushing off to parents' evening but I really relate to your post as I'm in a similar kind of situation regarding DH. Will post more later.

Hi all - can we please remember that Mumsnet is a site for support? Peace and love.

All the best to you moody

'has fights with her'

Could you describe what kinds of fights he has with her?

You have to be careful about it escalating, depending on what he's doing, a 'fight' between an adult man and his 13 YO daughter is never going to be a fair one is it? Especially given the power differences between the two, which means it may come down to him exploiting the powerful role of a parent over his vulnerable and ultimately powerless child.

I had a similar situation too, and it became clear that my role in the situation was to protect my DD, whatever the cost.

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone mostly for responding. I have some fantastic advice and info on books and i have taken things on board. I'm going to purchase the books mentioned.

I was having a really crap day so thanks to those who helped me through it.

I think because she's previously been so good it came as a bit of an explosive shock when she kicked off!

Glad it's going well. I sort of understood from your post that this wasn't a regular thing, that you were looking on the funny side as best you could and was just a normal teenage mood swing from which you were looking for some solidarity. Which is why I posted because I too have a great son that has just gone Kevin and Perry as well

Willsee, you could be describing my exH. A very controlling and aggressive man who couldn't handle the give and take of family life at all. Scoffed at parenting books, implied I was a moron for reading them, second-guessed every single instinct and decision I made about handling the children, beginning with telling me a baby of six weeks was 'manipulating' me by crying.

DD1 hasn't spoken to exH since she was 16 and the rest of the DCs have not spoken to him except perfunctorily since they turned 18 and were no longer obliged to go through the motions of weekend visitation.

I highly recommend reading 'Why Does he Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men' by Lundy Bancroft. I think you need to read this because your H is involved in a power struggle with you (and with your DD). You could also take a look at Lundy Bancroft & Jay Silverman, 'The Batterer as Parent: Addressing the Impact of Domestic Violence on Family Dynamics' (2002). DOn't be put off by the 'batterer' / 'Angry' / 'Controlling' / and DV language. Questioning your parenting skills and your instincts as a parent may well be the only signs of a controlling nature that your H shows, but it is a huge problem and it is in the same 'family' of problems as all the other control issues batterers have. If you feel you cannot use your best judgement when it comes to handling your children, for fear of your H's reaction, then you need to look at those books.

'Batterer' parents share a few characteristics. Here is a sample few:

• desire to control (what is going on is a power struggle);
• feelings of entitlement (to attention from you, causing jealousy and criticism -- which refocuses your attention on him especially when you are trying to focus on the needs of a child, and entitlement to a certain set of responses and demeanours from the children, maybe described by him as 'respect');
• manipulation and sowing of discord (creating scenes with the children where you are bound to end up as the loser, blamed for their responses, or forced into a position of defending them against him -- this reinforces his narrative that you prefer the children to him);
• possessiveness towards the children (why would an entitled, manipulative and controlling man be interested in child-raising books? He is going to do as he wishes with his children, not as some 'expert' recommends. There is no higher authority when it comes to his children than himself).

I want to add -- you are being undermined as an authority figure in your own home, and he is trying to interfere with your relationship with your DD. If there are other children, then he may be trying to cast DD as the black sheep and cause another child or children to become his 'pet''s.

pet(s), rather.