DD is calling social services on me in the morning

[moodymelting]

DD is 13 and has turned Kevin and Perry overnight.
She has turned into a nightmare.
When ever she is told off she resorts to telling me to 'go away and leave her alone and name calling or covering her ears shouting la la la . She will NEVER admit she is in the wrong or apologise. She will do nothing at all to help in the house.

She spilt sweets she had bought all over my bedroom floor along with cut up tights and cardboard she had been messing with. I asked her twice to move it and she refused resorting to her go away and leave me alone tactic. When I did not back down she has gone mad! She walked into the kitchen and tipped my rubbish bin all out on the floor saying she was not picking it up and I could.

Apparently I want a perfect child because she's never done anything wrong, I am selfish, mean, she hates me. I'm a rubbish Mum and she would be better off with a different Mum than me who is a tight mess because I have refused to go tomorrow to pick up something for her when she's behaved like this.
Oh and she barricaded the room door shut with a chair so I couldn't go to bed.

I have told her that if she likes I will dial the number myself and I am sure they will rush right over to a child behaving like a total brat in-between dealing with the neglected kids who have no clothing/food or being abused

How on earth do you deal with the teen strops????!!!
N/C btw as everyone on my Facebook will know my user name otherwise!

Do tell us fourage how you would deal with your kid tipping the rubbish out and refusing to pick it up?

I'm so glad Fourage has apparently joined MN to share her superior parenting tips.

Don't lock horns.

Ignore the words and the shouting. Don't rise to it. So if she barricades herself in your room, go elsewhere in the house. (Just like ignoring a toddler tantrum rather than feeding it with attention.)

Consequences for the behaviour, so leave the stuff on her floor without nagging about it until she clears it up , most likely when you tell her she needs to get it done before (insert thing/lift she wants here).

Wine.

I once threatened to call them on my dad because he wouldn't let me leave the table until I had finished my dinner. I loathed meat - haven't eaten it since I was 15, when they finally gave in! - and spent many Sundays sulking at the table.

My DF pissed himself laughing and said, "oh yeah, go ahead, tell them your parents forced you to eat fillet steak."

I also used to have screaming rows with my terrible mother. Because..... she had washed my clothes and paid someone to iron them, and I had left them in a heap on my bedroom floor, along with 3 wet towels. I resented having to put my clothes away and pick up the towels, I thought it was soooooo unfair. This was an almost weekly argument.

But by about 15, I had totally grown out of it, and we didn't really argue much after that. So yours might be getting it all out of the way early and be human again soon!

Considered hateful? No, that's what she actually was. Objective status, not subjective opinion, confirmed by everyone who witnessed it. This was the only ray of hope: she couldn't control it. Eventually she got counselling. The divorce? We didnt want to divorce. DD wanted us to, as she'd witnessed her school friends being overindulged during splits.

Antidepressants helped me, DW did overtime.

Now she's lovely, the more so because she apologised.

Ummmm... liking the thought of removing DS bedroom door....he has a mini breakdown if it is left open at any point in a 24hr period. The ultimate punishment.....

Oh god I am going through this with DS2 (16).

I have started refusing to give him lifts. He wanted a lift this morning (has some work on a game farm collecting eggs) I refused. He had to then get up at 6.15am to bike there instead.

His bedroom is a shit tip. A week last Thursday I asked him to put all of his washing in the basket (including school uniform), it didn't appear. I washed on the Saturday, he had done his usual of going out without telling us so I couldn't even remind him. He has had to wear dirty school uniform this week. Finally yesterday morning did he put washing in the basket.

He cares about no one but himself. DH and I have our wallet/purse with us at all times as he steals money. He stole money at Christmas from DS1 who was home from Uni.

I feel for you OP. As others say try and pick your battles.

It's been nearly six years here

I am not sure giving her extra jobs i the right course of action as surely that is just setting both of you up for more conflict?

The only thing that has helped me survive is detaching myself emotionally. You need to show her you are a real person, not just her slave her mum.

I agree with PP that you need to appear to take her seriously. Ask her where she would like to live if not with you? How would she get to school from there? She lives by your rules or she lives elsewhere. You have to be really firm on this.

Good luck!

This book saved my sanity

I'm sure your daughter is being a brat. I understand, I have a 12 yr old dd ( and a 15 yr old ds and 3 younger dc. Believe me, I understand strops!) But the thing that stands out most is that she doesn't seem very happy. It's not an excuse for what she has done and of course she needs consequences but you need to find out what is bothering her.

My dd can be a bit rude and stroppy and pretty defiant. When I pull her up on it she starts crying. This used to make me angry and she would be told to get to her room. Now, I realise it is hormonal and there are definite patterns to it, so when she gets worked up I walk over and hug her. She cries on me for a few minutes and then I tell her to go and wash her face and we'll forget all about it. To be honest, I deal with her the same way I deal with the 2 and a half yr old. I try to understand that she is full of emotions and hormones and all sorts is happening at school, and she feels out of control and she just wants to vent in a safe place where she doesn't have to risk rejection.

Don't you remember being 13? Hug her and tell she is stuck with you no matter how badly she behaves. You need to diffuse every situation. You are the adult. She doesn't have the maturity to do it, and you will end up on a ride that she couldn't stop even if she wanted to. Let things calm down and offer to hold open the black bag while she picks the rubbish up. Let her see that she can push and push but you are right there, all the time, looking for the best in her. Always.

Sorry, but I had a mum who tried the tough love thing, and honestly if she had just backed down and cuddled me, it could have changed so much. Instead she used to laugh that I was textbook teenager and poke fun at how original I was. What she didn't see was that I had no friends, was struggling at school and I felt lost and alone and so angry all the time.

Fourage You've been very clear about what you would not do, but what would you do?

It does get better, honestly. DD1 was a nightmare teenager and child for that matter but at almost 17 is now lovely - quiet, caring and responsible. DD2 ((nearly 16) is quite a fragile, anxious sort who we're hoping will increase in confidence in time, but she has never been much bother at home (some spats in school).

DD3 (6) is a very easygoing child so is certain to be a horror teenager.

NB if DH or I had removed bedroom doors then DD1 would have just located all the necessaries and put it back. We have no shed or garage big enough to lock a door away in. And seriously, we wouldn't have - teenaged need their privacy when dressing/undressing etc.

I had this and worse with one of my daughters (have 4) nothing l did was right - we had awful sessions as well as challenging situations. Be firm, be consistent, remind her that you will always love her but do not like her behaviour - I now have a lovely young lady (22) who is herself a mum to a daughter ( l do say Karma looking forward to when my granddaughter is a teenager). Good luck

I'm a great believer in behaviour is a form of communication. But then also a massive advocate for showing behaviour has consequences and teaching a better way.

So yes, I'd stop picking up after her and doing her laundry etc whilst being nice and chatty and showing her I do care.

If the only consequence is a chat about why she feels the need to behave this way then there is nothing to symptom her behaving this way everytime she's tired, hormonal, stressed etc. (Fourage I'm looking at you).

I hope she's calmer this morning.

She does martial arts 3 x a week
She does cadets once a week
She has a room full of toys, tablets, xbox etc. She just doesn't care if they are taken.
If she is ever challenged on anything her reaction is to become angry so that she gets out of whatever shes been asked to do.

We do LOADS together and i do talk to her.

Have you asked her, when you are both very calm and happy, why she's behaving as she does?

I always found the car a very good place to talk as they don't have to look at you and they can't escape

Haven't rtft re:tv pin - yes MOODY you can probably put a pin on tv. My 11yr old managed to circumnavigate key lock but I blocked input access with a pin. So can't use wifi, DVD player or cable.
Mwhahahahahaha!
I have relented and unlocked cable and they are back to being vile. Mine are younger and with some SN and I banned all screens and tv. Been three weeks now and so much nicer to each other. Also better at occupying themselves. I have had to play lots of Lego though. But none of that relevant to put

"If she is ever challenged on anything her reaction is to become angry so that she gets out of whatever shes been asked to do"

If she gets angry tell her you are not carrying on the conversation whilst she's angry and that you will discuss again when she's calmed down. Then leave the room so she doesn't have an audience.

Hmm, brings back -fond- memories. About the social services thing, we had a friend who was an actual social worker, she volunteered to come round and speak to our DS after he threatened to report us. The look on his face when she called I'll always remember. We left them to talk in the kitchen. 1/2 hour later she left, & we got an actual apology!

i sympathise hugely. my dd can also be "challenging" (as they call it). i;ve told her the number for childline and i've done a thing when i pretend to be her ringing childline ... so

her: is that childline?
CL: what's going on at home?
her: i've got the biggest bedroom in the house, nice clothes, hot water, lovely food, an ipod, an iphone, nice friends, holidays in spain and .....
CL: what?????
her: SHE makes me take the ironing upstairs AND i had to hoover the hall. [i then start to cry,]
CL: well, thats utterly outrageous. put your mum on the phone RIGHT NOW

some people would say that i'm being a complete dick doing that but it makes her see what she's effing and jeffing about and it sometimes very occasionally works

if her behaviour escalates i'm more than prepared to ring the local pcso and get them to have a few words with her

Happy2behomely your post made me cry. I wish my mum had dealt with me like that.

She doesn't have many friends because shes fairly controlling friendship wise and they get sick of her. Shes good at school but even her primary school said she controls friendships

I don't have advice as mine are too young still but I'm finding this thread really useful advance planning. I think what tomatolizzy says here is brilliant: So I agreed that I was a terrible mother and asked him how he thought I should change. He couldn't answer that so I left him alone. He came and apologised when the hormonal rage had passed

My eldest is very nearly 8 and hasn't turned awful yet, but I will remember the above. It gives the teen a sense of regaining some control, and forces them to properly reflect (and realise they are being unreasonable). It seems a good dose of trying to find the humour, and always seeking to understand and diffuse the situation is solid advice indeed as well

I have asked her. Shes said its because she doesnt want to do what ive asked.

I'd recommend reading the book 'the explosive child' and looking at different stategies. Maybe the PDA website. A lot of children who are like this and controlling against demands and in friendship groups are anxious. The anxiety causes the anger.

Finding the route cause will help you move forward. In the meantime I'd just calmly say you aren't going to ask anything if her - and in return she should ask nothing of you.