DD is calling social services on me in the morning

[moodymelting]

DD is 13 and has turned Kevin and Perry overnight.
She has turned into a nightmare.
When ever she is told off she resorts to telling me to 'go away and leave her alone and name calling or covering her ears shouting la la la . She will NEVER admit she is in the wrong or apologise. She will do nothing at all to help in the house.

She spilt sweets she had bought all over my bedroom floor along with cut up tights and cardboard she had been messing with. I asked her twice to move it and she refused resorting to her go away and leave me alone tactic. When I did not back down she has gone mad! She walked into the kitchen and tipped my rubbish bin all out on the floor saying she was not picking it up and I could.

Apparently I want a perfect child because she's never done anything wrong, I am selfish, mean, she hates me. I'm a rubbish Mum and she would be better off with a different Mum than me who is a tight mess because I have refused to go tomorrow to pick up something for her when she's behaved like this.
Oh and she barricaded the room door shut with a chair so I couldn't go to bed.

I have told her that if she likes I will dial the number myself and I am sure they will rush right over to a child behaving like a total brat in-between dealing with the neglected kids who have no clothing/food or being abused

How on earth do you deal with the teen strops????!!!
N/C btw as everyone on my Facebook will know my user name otherwise!

Fourage and some others on here don't seem to have teens yet.

From one on the front line my advice would be:
a) Get professional help early on if you need to. Bad behaviour may well be a sign of stress and mental health issues. Pretty much all teens are stressed - they just show it in different ways: stomach pains, shouting, being quiet, crying, saying "I'm worried", saying "I'm not worried", self harm etc. etc.
b) deal with natural consequences rather than punishment. A natural consequence of someone messing up my room is: I am pissed off. My teens know that pissed off mum is not a good thing - as I will do less for them.
c) when you are calm try to pin point the triggers. Be honest was it really worth making them do the washing up if it caused World War III? Yes they should help out, and they need to become independent adults etc. But try to think of an extremely stressful time in your life, how would you have coped if people made unnecessary demands on you?
d) teens brains don't work properly - and they don't fully mature until 25. It's worth reading up on this, and getting your teen to (or watch youtube), so at least you both have some common idea of what you are dealing with.

"Fourage and some others on here don't seem to have teens yet." ?????

Has she calmed down OP? Sorry, haven't RTFT yet.

Society does give dogs consequences though.

A dog near us had to wear a muzzle as a result of court enforcement following biting of people and dogs.

The dogs who bit and killed a child near us where put to sleep.

If I commit a house break in, assault , robbery or whatever I am punished by society.

Agree, fourage should write a book. I imagine it being called something like 'Free Your Child: Why Punishment doesn't Work' and would have a picture of fourage wearing white linen trousers and a cheesecloth shirt standing on a beach at sunset with her Perfect Children. And a Perfect Dog.

It's not a flawed argument. Do you punish a dog?

dogs have consequences too. Don't obey commands go on a lead.

Snappy = wear muzzle

Attack someone and it could be put down.

What makes me laugh is that my mum say I have a great moral compass. Was a dream child and rarely stepped out of line.

Except she is wrong. I smoked weed, got drunk underage, skipped school. She just never found out

Dbro was a nightmare teen. Did very similar stuff to me. But less sneaky.

I wonder what Fourage children's opinions are on the subject.

Don't roast me on a spit but there is some truth in what forage says. If you always punish and try to control a child's behaviour they do not learn self control. Self control comes from Self awareness and self esteem. Children who are heavily punished have lower self esteem and often act out when the control is removed. For example like Curren said, I have known many children whose athorative parents would look shocked that their child did anything wrong because they were so good at home. Some were scared , others were sneaky and their parents were blinkered.

The thing is most parents have off days, no one's life is a happy clappy utopia of perfection. The key is to 85% of the time guide rather than rule and never become a doormat for them. For example, I personally would lose my chit if my child threw a bunch of chicken in the sink. If they went to their room I would NOT go after them and I would expect them to come and find me, not the other way. That IMO was a little bit too pandery to her. They would need to apologise for such awful behaviour first and THEN talk about their feelings and emotions. They cannot just do what they want, throw a paddy and then say "Oh but it's because I am so upset"...life doesn't work that way.

'What makes me laugh is that my mum say I have a great moral compass. Was a dream child and rarely stepped out of line.

Except she is wrong. I smoked weed, got drunk underage, skipped school. She just never found out grin'

I know several adults who were exactly like this.
My friends Mum thought she was the perfect child who never stepped out of line. Meanwhile she was getting drunk on alcopops while Mum thought her perfect child was studying at a friends.

Another friends Mum only found out she was not perfect when she gave birth in the living room at 15 years old.

So, if you don't do punishment or consequences, and your dc is less than angelic, what then?

Our school is a bit like this, good talking to as the preferred option, generally works out but... One boy, the sneaky sort who gets others to throw the stones and then pretends he was trying to stop them, you know the type, his parents don't do punishment either, so miladdo was getting away with making everyone else miserable instead of being pulled into line.

Consequently, he doesn't get invited anywhere, everyone dislikes him, all the other parents now attend football club to make sure chopper doesn't maim their dcs, etc. I don't think his parents are doing him any favours.

I don't think any child is angelic, I had my eyes opened to this not so long ago when looking at dd instagram etc, with her permission.
I was giving it the x is really nice at your school why not hang around with them etc.
She showed me the messages from x and lots of other naice mc children at school and they were disgusting, rude and awful behaviour/ attitude.
Children from all walks of life at an elite private school
There is no such thing as an angelic child. Some manage to pull the wool over their parents eyes and some don't.
I'd rather be realistic, not punish too much but certainly not kid myself she is something unique in great behaviour.
I do think you can be too strict though and agree with others that too much punishment can be as bad as not enough, it seems like a fine line between the two.
Those who never punish when their dc are badly behaved are setting themselves up to fail and making a rod for their own back.

Don't roast me on a spit but there is some truth in what forage says. If you always punish and try to control a child's behaviour they do not learn self control

No one has said they always punish. Fourage never punishes.

We said we punish (give consequences) where appropriate.

Sometimes it's not appropriate to punish. But there are consequences to every action.

"Those who never punish when their dc are badly behaved are setting themselves up to fail and making a rod for their own back."

And when exactly will this come back to bit me on the arse? At what age with the lazy parenting become evident?

But if my kids are running wild and so badly behaved why have they never been punished in school?

How on earth have they learned to control themselves?

fourage it might not. My mum still doesn't know much about me like the fact that I smoked up until 2 years ago.

She doesn't know most of it. Alas that means she doesn't really know me or what life was like for me as a teen. So I suppose that could be where it bites you in the arse.

And presumably your mother punished you. Didn't really work did it?

It's not a flawed argument. Do you punish a dog?

I've had two dogs recently. The first repeatedly bit people. Eventually, and very sadly, he was put down.

The second didn't bite people. He's not been put down.

I guess the moral of the story is that you can't really compare owning dogs to raising teens...

Destroying a dog is not a punishment though. Euthanising an aggressive animal is not a punitive action.

And presumably your mother punished you. Didn't really work did it

Why would you presume that?

If you read earlier I said that she thought I was an angel

Sounds like that boy is seeing the consequences for his actions. Just not from his parents. Life lessons can be powerful.

Curren I was just pointing out what NewLife4M put better too much punishment can be as bad as not enough. But yes, I think it is imposible to parent without sometimes just outright having to punish a child for outrageous behaviour. I do think that even when you punish a child, after you have both calmed down you need to explain why and one very powerful tool is to get the child to verbalise what they did wrong or why it was wrong. Having to face up to their own actions can make them think about their actions in the future. It can also help you to see things from their point of view. Sometimes without explanation they might not fully get why you are angry or they are being punished.

tom I agree. But I don't believe in fourages 'no punishment' ever.

If she was saying each situation needs handling differently. I could maybe see where she was coming from.

But she is so convince her way is the only right way and everyone else is dysfunctional, I can't support that at all.

Destroying a dog is not a punishment though. Euthanising an aggressive animal is not a punitive action.

What is it then?

punishment

noun
the infliction or imposition of a penalty as retribution for an offence.

It's hardly that. Destroying a dog is retribution for its behaviour? No it's a sad but sometimes necessary action to protect people from being bitten.

Hardly a punishment.

Destroying a dog is not a punishment though. Euthanising an aggressive animal is not a punitive action.

Some spectacular point-missing there Fourage.

I haven't met a child who doesn't respond to clear communication
Oh yeah - mine certainly responded!! Not in a good way.

OP I'm very glad she has realised she was out of order.
You are doing a fab job.

Mine went totally off the rails at 12. She was horrible.
Now she says she will never had kids because she couldn't cope with what I had to put up with

She hit 16 and just seemed to change overnight.
She's great now (18) and we have a lovely relationship.
She knows how horrid she was and even understands why.

Keep going. You know your DD better than anyone.