DD is calling social services on me in the morning

[moodymelting]

DD is 13 and has turned Kevin and Perry overnight.
She has turned into a nightmare.
When ever she is told off she resorts to telling me to 'go away and leave her alone and name calling or covering her ears shouting la la la . She will NEVER admit she is in the wrong or apologise. She will do nothing at all to help in the house.

She spilt sweets she had bought all over my bedroom floor along with cut up tights and cardboard she had been messing with. I asked her twice to move it and she refused resorting to her go away and leave me alone tactic. When I did not back down she has gone mad! She walked into the kitchen and tipped my rubbish bin all out on the floor saying she was not picking it up and I could.

Apparently I want a perfect child because she's never done anything wrong, I am selfish, mean, she hates me. I'm a rubbish Mum and she would be better off with a different Mum than me who is a tight mess because I have refused to go tomorrow to pick up something for her when she's behaved like this.
Oh and she barricaded the room door shut with a chair so I couldn't go to bed.

I have told her that if she likes I will dial the number myself and I am sure they will rush right over to a child behaving like a total brat in-between dealing with the neglected kids who have no clothing/food or being abused

How on earth do you deal with the teen strops????!!!
N/C btw as everyone on my Facebook will know my user name otherwise!

There is a book called how to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk, I have it and keep mining to read it

You can't use the house move tantrum as an example .
You knew the move would be upsetting, moving your DD away from her friends etc. It's easy to see what the problem there was.
Never under estimate hormones. My 14 yo has terrible PMS, she is able to recognise it herself now eventually.
I would recommend a womans/teenage multi vit and magnesium citrate.

I filmed my son when he had a strop like this, he was thirteen, and he threw his clothes all over his bedroom, he had always been my quiet, well behaved beautiful boy, then over night became a stroppy little shite lol. So, I filmed him, taped everything he was saying, and when he had calmed down, I played it back to him. He was so embarrassed, felt awful. and I told him if he ever spoke to me like that again I would put it on facebook and tag him in it....so far, he's seventeen now and he's never done it since lol. xxx

SmallLegs : the two other books that might help are "How to talk to kids will listen and listen so kids will talk", and for a trickier child "The Explosive Child".

If your child is in a bad place (family break up etc) it can be useful to get some counselling help. It also helps to realise that being awful with you means a) you are her safe place - she knows you will still love her and be there even if she is horrible, b) she may well be "bottling up" a lot of feelings in other less safe places.
You could try to talk to her about feelings - but be careful because that was the one thing that caused my DD to have a meltdown - when she was going through a tough time (school in her case).

I was a horrible teenager, I once screamed at my mum I hated her and was phoning social services. She told me not to bother she'd do it for me, I went into my room slammed the door and next thing I heard was my mum on the phone. 'Oh hello yes, I'd like someone to come and remove my child..yes yes uh huh'
You get the drift, I was horrified and scared. Turns out she was on the phone to her best friend.

I never did that again!

this is going to sound soppy as hell but always remember (I know I'm assuming here) that you both love eachother. and this stuff is actually a scientific and human thing that goes on with everyone to varying degrees as kids turn into adults. there are things she cant help because of hermones surging through but there are also things she can by finding ways to deal with the stuff shes going trhough. I think it depends on the make up of each person.
if your doing your best,giving her comfort and love then you know your doing your best.
one thing that hugel worked for my sister was (my dad actually hated in the teenage years) it was in the middle of a huge strop. and my mum just turned mid shout and walking away and said " you no what han I love you.i don't know what this is or what your going through exactly but I know your my child and whatever we're screaming for all I know is I love you,and I'm here for you.what your doing angers me because of that love" she walked away and my sister was stunned but also slightly melted in her rage. she wasn't a bad kid she wasn't evil.it was all kinds of crap she felt she couldn't control happening. but to hear in the middle of a horrible row mum say that. it made a difference.
of course ten seconds later she was bitch face again haha. but it mattered because my sister still remembers those things decades later.

Forage my post was meant to be lighthearted.

I'm a terrible parent and financially abusive because DD2 does not have an I phone 6, drawers full of underwear from Victoria's Secret, and all brand name clothes, oh and we don't have a skiing holiday every year like her friends (none of the rest of the family ski!).
I'm even worse because I insist that my 16 year old is home at a reasonable hour and that I know where she is sleeping of an evening.

Everyone else's mum lets them go anywhere they want, whenever they want, and they get at least £200 a month for clothes.

I close the door and think to myself that I'll repeat these things to her in the future.

Your doing a fine OP, Mrs Everyone elses mum has a lot to answer for.

I second that, Cocolepew. Evening primrose oil is another good supplement on top of the multivit. It has helped DD4 a lot (since age 11 ).

I also gave DD a fancy journal with some watercolour coloured pencils for her to do any sort of jotting and introspection she felt like.

Moody I wonder if your DD's friend's issues are just too much for your DD to cope with? It is wonderful for her friend to have her support and hand holding, but it is a lot for her to carry, and obv school is focused on the friend and may be missing the extent to which the friend's troubles could be difficult for your DD to deal with. I would go to the school if I were you, and ask them to encourage the friend to talk to staff alone about her issues. I would also ask staff to try to wean the troubled child off relying on DD as a person on whom she can freely unload, because the stuff you have mentioned really needs to be dealt with by a trained and capable adult, and because it is a lot for a young teen to handle.

There are boundary issues with both girls, more serious with the girl whose family has split up than with yours. Your DD has been sort of put on the spot by the other girl and has responded with empathy and other good qualities, but please be on your guard against her being taken advantage of by the other girl and by the school.

Could you sit your DD down and try to figure out how upsetting the friend's disclosures are for her? She may clam up and insist she is on top of everything young teens like to think they are perfectly OK so maybe don't ask directly. It might be useful to point out to her that therapists, counsellors, teachers, medical professionals, psychologists, etc., all have colleagues with whom they can discuss frustrations, worries, the sheer weight of all they deal with, while often friends are left all alone carrying a good deal of their friends' problems, that that isn't a good thing, and that nobody expects her to do that.

Just remembered I had "how to talk to your kids". My ex borrowed it and then realised I had been using it on him (massive manchild) he never returned it

We're just heading into teenage years so no experience to help but found this article interesting www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-teen-brain-still-under-construction/index.shtml

misshoolies, I have already explained I don't punish.

If your OH was caught shoplifting would you punish him?

Adults and children are not comparable. If my OH was caught shoplifting I would question whether this was a person I wanted in my house around my children and option that's not really viable when it's your own child.

If my OH tipped a bin all over the floor, demanded that I cleaned it up and locked me out of my room I'd be calling someone to help me pack their bags, again not an option when it's your child.

If you don't punish your child how will they ever learn the consequences of bad behaviour?

Some 'crimes' don't need punishment for example if you break your own shit, it doesn't get replaced, there's no point me adding to your torment by instilling further punishment but where there is no natural consequence for your behaviour, it is my job as a parent to show that all behaviour has consequences, as it would do in the adult world. It's part of preparing your children to become productive and reasonable adults.

If you back answered your boss constantly or refused to complete your work because obviously your boss hates you then you'd be fired.

If your OH was caught shoplifting would you punish him?

you have been told this over and over again.

The consciences of dh shoplifting or throwing rubbish all over the floor would be me deciding wether I wanted to be with home or not. Probably not. The shoplifting would be dealt with by the police. But I wouldn't want to be a tried to a thief.

It's not my job to guide my husband or parent him.

A husband is not a child and a child is not a husband.

I couldn't legally take his phone off him if I wanted to. He pays for his own phone and it's in his name.

My child's phone is paid for by me and in my name.

You miss the point.

"If you don't punish your child how will they ever learn the consequences of bad behaviour?"

I don't believe that it is the threat of punishment that makes us lead a good life. Perhaps for some, but our morality and altruism is not in place as a result of fear of punishment.

My kids behave well at school because they know that a peaceful supportive community enhances learning, not because they fear detention.

Punishment does not teach a child to develop their own moral compass ". Punishment produces politeness, not morality. Thus, the inhibited, obedient child inadvertently reinforces the parent’s punitive behavior by acting obedient (for the sorts of parents who find obedient children reinforcing)."

I don't know why I'm being sucked into replying because I suspect you're just being deliberately goody.
You keep using the 'would you punish your OH if they did the same thing as your child?' line of argument which, as others have pointed out, is completely flawed
I do not have Parental Responsibility for DH. I also have the option to leave him. DH is an adult.
To answer your question, if DH was caught shoplifting, the Police would be the ones doing the punishing. I'd be seriously pissed off with him and probably wouldn't speak to him for a few days. I suppose you could call that a punishment.
Forget the word punishment. Would there have been any 'negative consequences' imposed by you if any of your DCs had been caught shoplifting (and yes I know they wouldn't because they're perfect, but hypothetically. Use your imagination and imagine that you're like the rest of us and have normal DCs who do things wrong sometimes).
If you honestly wouldn't impose any sanctions/consequences and it would all be sorted out with a nice chat about how stealing isn't very nice, I would consider that lax parenting, bordering on negligent.

It's not a flawed argument. Do you punish a dog?

There was a brilliant post on here about 'nobody' and 'everybody' as quoted by teenagers. It was hilarious and spot on. I'll see if I can find it...

fourage Maybe I'm not as saintly as you but there are some things that I do/don't do because I fear the consequences.
I think that physically hurting someone is morally wrong so I wouldn't do it, even if I thought I wouldn't be punished for it.
My job involves a fair share of tedious and fairly pointless meetings. The reason I attend them is nothing to do with morality, it's because I'll get a bollocking if I don't go. I suspect that the reason most people wouldn't park on double yellow lines in a completely empty street has nothing to do with their 'moral compass' and everything to do with not getting a parking ticket.

fourage I think you're just a GF. NOBODY is this sanctimonious in real life.

Morality is taught by modeling appropriate behaviour. Consequences are taught by applying consequences, good or bad to certain behaviours.

Dogs do not have the same brain capacity as a teenager. If I punish my dog for shitting on the rug, he has no idea that I am yelling at him for shitting on the rug, his brain does not work that way, he's already forgotten all about shitting on the rug and does not have the capacity to backwards think. If I punish my teen for shitting on the rug, they understand perfectly well that they are having to clean the rug because they shat on it.

Although punishment does have a place in effective dog training for example removal of attention for puppies who nip or jump up.

WellErrr Comletely agree. Either a GF or extremely dense.

Most major religions work in the way fourage describes, likewise behavioural science. So it's fascinating to see that you've developed an even better system than any of those things where punishment/consequences never features. When are you going to publish a book on it and share this with the world? Don't limit yourself to Mumsnet.

Most major religions work in the way fourage describes but currently most of wars are based on religion ! go figure !

fourage no of course I don't punish the dog.
The dog has an excellent moral compass and never does anything wrong.

He isn't obedient though as having an obedient dog would just be reinforcing for me.

No, instead the dog decides what is best for society and acts accordingly.