My dad and DH have fallen out - what do I do?

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I don't want to drip-feed so apologies if this is long. My dad and my DH have fallen out and I feel stuck in the middle and unsure what to do.

DH and I (both in our 30s) have a 2 month old baby. When my waters broke just before midnight I went to the hospital alone, taking a taxi (we're in London, about 15-20 mins from the hospital depending on traffic). I insisted DH stay home as he wasn't feeling well, I knew I'd most likely be sent straight home, and I wanted him to get as much sleep as possible before I really needed him during active labour. He had his phone ringer on so had he needed to join me at the hospital he could have. In hindsight he feels that he should have insisted he come with me but I've always been very independent - in over 7 years together I've never asked or expected him to meet me at bus stops, walk me home etc - so in his tired and ill state he just accepted my insistence. As it happened I was indeed sent home and he went back with me in the morning when labour had progressed. I didn't think any more of it except feeling probably quite proud of myself for doing that first trip alone when I was heavily pregnant and a little in shock. Again in hindsight, that was probably quite naive of me but it didn't cross my mind to do it any differently.

My dad visited us a couple of weeks back and took DH aside to have a word. I had no idea what it was about as he'd said nothing to me, but it turned out he wanted to tell DH how upset he - and the rest of the family - was that he'd let me go to hospital alone in a vulnerable state. Their stories differ at this point. Dad says that he voiced his concerns but DH wouldn't listen so he lost his temper. DH says that my dad told him he's a bad father, that the whole family thinks so and that they've all - including me?! - been worrying about the hospital incident for weeks. In actual fact my mum says she was concerned (and of course I understand why) but she and my dad's partner made him promise not to bring it up and cause a scene - but he ignored that and did it anyway.

DH says my dad then grabbed him and raised his fist as if to hit him. DH at this point was freaked out by his aggression so pulled away from him and left our flat. All I know is I heard DH tell my dad to fuck off, then saw my dad, who was shaking with anger, chasing after him shouting that he was a fucking coward and to grow some balls. DH refused to come home until my dad had left.

I and my mum tend to believe DH's version as my dad has a history of being very short tempered and occasionally violent - DH literally wouldn't even raise his voice to someone and is the least aggressive person I know. My mum agrees that DH is probably telling the truth - she and my dad divorced partly because my dad was so volatile. He has in the past been held in a police cell after attacking his girlfriend (he claims not to remember) and has threatened suicide and self harm in the presence of, or in order to manipulate, me and my sisters.

To give a final bit of context: DH was already very stressed when my dad visited as my dad is very money and career focused and has on several occasions taken DH aside to ‘talk’ to him about his attitude to these things. DH isn't career-minded and I'm the main breadwinner in our relationship. He's also currently unemployed after being let go at new year and looking for a new job which has been making things hard work on top of having a new baby so he was already very depressed and down on himself and expecting a lecture from my dad made him feel worse. DH has made huge efforts to build a relationship with my dad but has been increasingly frustrated that dad only ever talks about money and doesn't seem interested in him as a person. Equally my dad is clearly frustrated that his daughter isn't being looked after in the traditional alpha male sense and while his approach is often wrong he clearly is just looking out for me.

However, after this fight my DH wants nothing more to do with my dad. He's scared of him, thinks he's frankly psychotic and isn't showing any signs of forgiving him for what he sees as an emotional and physical attack in his own home. My dad has tried to offer an olive branch via WhatsApp but DH won't accept his apology or even speak to him. This was really the last straw.

Now I'm in the situation of my dad wanting to still be part of my - and my baby's - life but logistically this now being difficult (he lives a couple of hours away) and also, to be completely honest, I feel resentful that he went ahead and caused this situation despite my mum and his current partner both begging him not to say anything. He's sending me very nice messages and claiming that he doesn't want to jeopardise my relationship with DH but that's all very well in hindsight - as usual he had to say his piece and to hell with the consequences. He's had a problem with my DH for a while so this was a long time coming but I'm angry that it had to be now when we're already going through a lot. I'm questioning whether I really want this man in my life but knowing how volatile and depressive he is I would, at the end of the day, feel bad for cutting him out. It's also not in my nature to do so.

I do wonder if I and my mum/sisters have been enabling this behaviour for too long. My mum agrees in one breath but in the other is saying he's still my dad and is checking to make sure I'm still sending him pictures of my baby so he doesn't miss out.

I just don't know how to navigate this situation. I'd like DH to at least listen to dad's apology but can also see why he no longer wants anything to do with him. To be honest I'm sure that in time he may come round to at least tolerating my dad's presence. But how can I continue a normal relationship with my dad, and make him part of my baby's life, with such a big elephant in the room? I'm still sending baby pictures to him and replying to his messages but I'm struggling to muster any enthusiasm for staying in contact. Even the mention or thought of my dad makes me feel very down.

Who here is being unreasonable? Am I? Is my DH for not wanting any more to do with him? Or is my dad?

Am I the only one here that thinks the OP's DP must be a bit feeble if he can't stand up to an old man??

Wtf? So he should have shown his masculinity by overpowering an old man, rather than walking away and defusing the situation? If someone went to hit me, and I responded by walking away rather than hitting them back, I would consider myself to have shown true restraint. How pathetic that you think he should have 'stood up to an old man'

Op, you've had some great advice on here but I'm another one who can't understand why on earth you want to subject your DC to a relationship with his horrible bully with a proven track record of violence, especially against women and people he perceives to be weaker than him. Could you live with yourself if your DC was on the receiving end of an outburst because they didn't live up to your dads exacting expectations?

He respected her choice and she has not expressed any unhappiness with the choice she made.

She even said it was because she thought she would be sent home (she was right).

Plenty of woman feel that they would prefer to deal with pregnancy things without partners/husbands lots of them even prefer dealing with delivery by themselves or part of it.

It dosnt have to be because of some failing on behalf of their partners/husbands

"I wanted him to get as much sleep as possible before I really needed him during active labour"

The OP wasn't saying she didn't want the DH there AT ALL though??

To me it reads as though even in labour the OP was still molly coddling her DH and making his life as easy as possible.

The OP hasn't quantified the "illness" but unless he was spewing out his arse then he was pretty lame IMO.

Tbh even without the fact that your dad was aggressive and threatening towards your dh I would be mighty pissed off at any member of my family who thought they had rights to stick their nose into my relationship and tell my dh his failings. I'm the adult in my relationship and the relationship is between me and dh so no one else should be sticking their nose in and I would have put a stop to that the first time it happened. How demeaning to your dh and how infantising to you. He's completely jumped over the boundaries and your dh has been a saint to put up with him so long.

As for the issue of him not going to hospital with you, you insisted. I'm independent and I know if I insisted I could do something alone and dh disagreed and demanded to come I'd be nightly pissed off. If you didn't have an issue with it at the time and you were happy with your decision why are you listening to others and letting them convince you that your dh let you down? He didn't let you down unless I'm misreading, you insisted you didn't want or need him to come so he respected your decision, if anyone should feel they are getting the short straw it should be him-he did precisely what was asked for him but is being slagged off for it by your family.

I would 110% stand by my dh, I would distance myself from my dd and tell him precisely why. And as for your mum telling you to send pictures etc, your an adult if you want to send pictures do so but you don't need reminding like a kid and you don't need your fathers shitty behaviour minimising to you either.

Plenty of woman feel that they would prefer to deal with pregnancy things without partners/husbands lots of them even prefer dealing with delivery by themselves or part of it.

It dosnt have to be because of some failing on behalf of their partners/husbands

Doesn't have to be. Still might be.

I respect the OP for marrying the opposite of her father. So many women just marry their father. But she just needs to be aware that a passivity and being "weak" can also bring their problems.

She may get sick of being the strong one in the relationship.

sparechage

So he should have shown his masculinity by overpowering an old man,

Who mentioned overpowering him? I just think it is unlikely I would feel intimidated enough to 'run away' from an Old man who was behaving like a dick. He then wouldn't come home until the DF had left. Sounds limp to me.

You don't have to be Superwoman especially with such a young baby but if you want to right wrongs, please weigh in on your DH's side.

You are all adults, you chose DH as your partner, time for Dad to step back. Enough of the chest beating. Your dad's version will always jar with your DH's. Protective of you is one thing, raging at your DH, raising his fist? With your dad's history your DH is doing his FIL a favour, steering clear avoids getting charged with assault, (it's not only about making actual body contact, it's "intentionally or recklessly causing another to apprehend immediate and unlawful physical personal force").

Anyway like QuiteLikely and others, I wonder if this is about defending you and his grandchild. I think it wounded your dad's ego seeing you picked someone who is so different to him. Lashing out and saying hurtful things or giving un-asked for lectures is not appropriate, your spouse is not respected at all.
Accept DH doesn't want a relationship with your dad. If it is upsetting for your mum and your dad's partner, well, both women know what your dad's like.

"god forbid, if you ever got sick or truly needed him, my guess is that your "D"H would be useless or just leave you."

Where the hell did that come from?! That's complete conjecture and it's actually quite nasty. There is no evidence for it in the OP's posts.

OP I think you have been pushing your DH away, you were the one who insisted he stay at home and not go with you to the hospital - it's unreasonable to expect him to be a mind reader and ignore your words on the assumption that you must have needed him there when you were telling him you didn't. I think you have got to deal with your feelings about your toxic father and put some boundaries in place with him before you can feel safe and secure enough to let down the boundaries with DH and let him support you.

Your DF was in the wrong but as so many other PP have said, what does your DH bring to the relationship? You're the one who earns the money, you don't seem to want him around at pretty much the most exciting point in many couples' relationships - ie the birth of a first child - what's the point? 3 months is plenty of time to find a job. Yes, it may not be the best career in the world but it would bring in money. Between A'levels and university, I travelled lots and always came home and found work through agencies within a couple of days. Very few of those jobs didn't ask me to stay on permanently. I feel sorry for you that you don't appear to have anyone to rely on. That must be tough.

Perhaps she wants him to be a SAHP

"3 months is plenty of time to find a job"

Really?

just think it is unlikely I would feel intimidated enough to 'run away' from an Old man who was behaving like a dick.

You must have read a very different post to me, because the one I read said he told him to fuck off and then left the house.
Sounds like a highly sensible way of defusing a very tense situation with someone with a known history of violence. Not sure why you would prefer him to have it escalate into potential violence with OP and a baby in the house

Your DH sounds like a beta male and your dad, as an alpha, has probably been wound up by this for a long time. The hospital incident was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

I think you should keep them apart until things have calmed down a bit. Then your dad should apologise in person to your DH and hopefully this can all be forgotten. You will need to speak privately to your dad and tell him to lay off your DH and accept him for what he is.

The relationship with your dad is very important and he obviously only wants the best for you. You shouldn't sacrifice that.

The relationship with your dad is very important and he obviously only wants the best for you. You shouldn't sacrifice that.

What utter bollocks. Her father is a man he would threaten suicide frequently in front of his children, by the OP's own admission. He's mean, manipulative, bully.

I think your dad was completely wrong in the way he behaved but I also feel that your DH needs to be a bit less passive.

You sound like you're the main wage and the person who sorts everything out in your relationship while your DH gets to be 'the nice guy' all the time. You also sound like you're really sensitive to his feelings but is he as sensitive to yours?

My ex sounds a bit like your DH unless I have misread the situation. I was the main money earner, he wouldn't have mind if I told him I wanted to go to the hospital alone either, he was very sensitive couldn't get physical if he tried. I ended up being so sensitive to him and his feelings about not having a job, not liking to get into confrontations etc that I wore myself out trying to do everything for him. Every difficult situation I handled while he walked away 'too nice' to get involved or stand up for himself or his dc.
It wore me out I went from being happy and outgoing to be constantly miserable from protecting his feeling so much I ignored my own. Someone broke into our house and I had to confront them while ex hid.

Your dad was wrong but so was your Dh he shouldn't have walked out of the house that day. You were pregnant and at home with your dad and all alone after he left. It seems he was so bothered about not getting hurt himself he left you in a vulnerable situation with a man who'd just got physical with him with a history of being violent towards his partner in the past. How did he know your dad wasn't going to start on you when he left.

Your dad is definitely the unreasonable one, here.

I can understand why you feel torn, as you have invested such a lot on rebuilding a relationship with him but I'm with your husband on this one.

I also wouldn't want such a volatile man to have a central role in my children's lives.

You're father is controlling and abusive, your husband has done nothing wrong. I don't see the dilemma? I think in reality you know exactly what you should do for the best. The question is are you willing to put your husband and child first? I hope so, for all your sakes.

furious
Flip your post around - would you question what a woman brings to a relationship just because she earns less?
We don't know if the DH got a huge redundancy or severance package and has enough to tide them over. If that were me, I'd much rather have that than the stress of DH finding a temporary job in a field he doesn't know, potentially with antisocial shifts, with a new baby.

Jesus wept. Seriously, some of you are completely batshit.
I know people tend to read their own versions of reality into posts but this is a whole new level.
There's also a horrific level of sexism and gender stereotyping on here. If this was the OPs FIL who had shouted at her, grabbed her arm and threatened her with assault she'd be told to leave her DH if he didn't go completely NC. Rightfully so.
Her father isn't an "alpha male", he's an abusive bully.
There's no such thing as "alpha male" and "beta male". Different people have different personalities. Some people are more aggressive than others.

Thank you all for your thoughts and advice.

My dad may be older than my DH but he's fucking scary when he wants to be and is probably physically much stronger. He's a very young early 60s.

It's interesting to see some support for my decision to go into hospital alone so thank you. I knew I would most likely be sent home and as I also said, DH was by his phone had things suddenly progressed. Of course I wanted him at the birth!

Although I agree with some posters who've said I'm pushing DH away - I think you may be right that my desire to prove I can do things alone is cutting him out. I'm trying my hardest not to do that with our son and he's been extremely supportive, loving and caring since the birth. In case I've suggested otherwise - he always puts me first. I clearly just need to let him in more!

To those saying he should have a job by now, he's been working hard on that and does now have some part time shifts and some interviews lined up so this shouldn't be a long-term situation. He's not got a degree or professional qualifications or an amazing employment history so it us hard work. He hates not working hard and it's not through lack of trying!

As for my dad, I think I'm happy to have some space from him for a while to reevaluate our relationship and those who have commented that he might act similarly to our son someday have really got me thinking. I don't want him having that influence as it's been truly negative and has impacted on my life and now my relationship.

I agree toast. The sexism is strong in this one....

Another one who agrees with toast.

I agree with toast as well.

If the op was saying she didn't have a job and her DH was the main income bringer very few people would even question it or raise it as an issue.

Good luck xx

You father sounds very domineering and clearly hasn't got the hang of the fact that you are now an adult and he isn't in charge. I can see why is was very pissed off with your DH (probably most parents would be in his situation) but it isn't his job to get involved. I would tell your father very firmly that he needs to stop acting like the boss. I am sure things will simmer down although he and your DH will never get along. They are too different.
It sounds a bit as if you mollycoddle your DH though and I think you should be careful about this. It may be easy to do now but it probably won't work well when you have children.