I don't want to drip-feed so apologies if this is long. My dad and my DH have fallen out and I feel stuck in the middle and unsure what to do.
DH and I (both in our 30s) have a 2 month old baby. When my waters broke just before midnight I went to the hospital alone, taking a taxi (we're in London, about 15-20 mins from the hospital depending on traffic). I insisted DH stay home as he wasn't feeling well, I knew I'd most likely be sent straight home, and I wanted him to get as much sleep as possible before I really needed him during active labour. He had his phone ringer on so had he needed to join me at the hospital he could have. In hindsight he feels that he should have insisted he come with me but I've always been very independent - in over 7 years together I've never asked or expected him to meet me at bus stops, walk me home etc - so in his tired and ill state he just accepted my insistence. As it happened I was indeed sent home and he went back with me in the morning when labour had progressed. I didn't think any more of it except feeling probably quite proud of myself for doing that first trip alone when I was heavily pregnant and a little in shock. Again in hindsight, that was probably quite naive of me but it didn't cross my mind to do it any differently.
My dad visited us a couple of weeks back and took DH aside to have a word. I had no idea what it was about as he'd said nothing to me, but it turned out he wanted to tell DH how upset he - and the rest of the family - was that he'd let me go to hospital alone in a vulnerable state. Their stories differ at this point. Dad says that he voiced his concerns but DH wouldn't listen so he lost his temper. DH says that my dad told him he's a bad father, that the whole family thinks so and that they've all - including me?! - been worrying about the hospital incident for weeks. In actual fact my mum says she was concerned (and of course I understand why) but she and my dad's partner made him promise not to bring it up and cause a scene - but he ignored that and did it anyway.
DH says my dad then grabbed him and raised his fist as if to hit him. DH at this point was freaked out by his aggression so pulled away from him and left our flat. All I know is I heard DH tell my dad to fuck off, then saw my dad, who was shaking with anger, chasing after him shouting that he was a fucking coward and to grow some balls. DH refused to come home until my dad had left.
I and my mum tend to believe DH's version as my dad has a history of being very short tempered and occasionally violent - DH literally wouldn't even raise his voice to someone and is the least aggressive person I know. My mum agrees that DH is probably telling the truth - she and my dad divorced partly because my dad was so volatile. He has in the past been held in a police cell after attacking his girlfriend (he claims not to remember) and has threatened suicide and self harm in the presence of, or in order to manipulate, me and my sisters.
To give a final bit of context: DH was already very stressed when my dad visited as my dad is very money and career focused and has on several occasions taken DH aside to ‘talk’ to him about his attitude to these things. DH isn't career-minded and I'm the main breadwinner in our relationship. He's also currently unemployed after being let go at new year and looking for a new job which has been making things hard work on top of having a new baby so he was already very depressed and down on himself and expecting a lecture from my dad made him feel worse. DH has made huge efforts to build a relationship with my dad but has been increasingly frustrated that dad only ever talks about money and doesn't seem interested in him as a person. Equally my dad is clearly frustrated that his daughter isn't being looked after in the traditional alpha male sense and while his approach is often wrong he clearly is just looking out for me.
However, after this fight my DH wants nothing more to do with my dad. He's scared of him, thinks he's frankly psychotic and isn't showing any signs of forgiving him for what he sees as an emotional and physical attack in his own home. My dad has tried to offer an olive branch via WhatsApp but DH won't accept his apology or even speak to him. This was really the last straw.
Now I'm in the situation of my dad wanting to still be part of my - and my baby's - life but logistically this now being difficult (he lives a couple of hours away) and also, to be completely honest, I feel resentful that he went ahead and caused this situation despite my mum and his current partner both begging him not to say anything. He's sending me very nice messages and claiming that he doesn't want to jeopardise my relationship with DH but that's all very well in hindsight - as usual he had to say his piece and to hell with the consequences. He's had a problem with my DH for a while so this was a long time coming but I'm angry that it had to be now when we're already going through a lot. I'm questioning whether I really want this man in my life but knowing how volatile and depressive he is I would, at the end of the day, feel bad for cutting him out. It's also not in my nature to do so.
I do wonder if I and my mum/sisters have been enabling this behaviour for too long. My mum agrees in one breath but in the other is saying he's still my dad and is checking to make sure I'm still sending him pictures of my baby so he doesn't miss out.
I just don't know how to navigate this situation. I'd like DH to at least listen to dad's apology but can also see why he no longer wants anything to do with him. To be honest I'm sure that in time he may come round to at least tolerating my dad's presence. But how can I continue a normal relationship with my dad, and make him part of my baby's life, with such a big elephant in the room? I'm still sending baby pictures to him and replying to his messages but I'm struggling to muster any enthusiasm for staying in contact. Even the mention or thought of my dad makes me feel very down.
Who here is being unreasonable? Am I? Is my DH for not wanting any more to do with him? Or is my dad?