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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think exDH's wife is a fucking loon

299 replies

Redowlinmytree · 14/03/2016 10:20

Last week I asked ex if he would mind chaining days this week so he has the kids tonight instead of Wednesday, he said fine no problem will have them both days instead will be nice to have them for an extra night.

There was no particular reason other than I've got a late GP appt and need DP to come too (couple issue!). Will be easier without DC. TBH I never ask ex to swap days around so this is a rarity. I didn't tell ex why I needed to swap although he did ask and I was vague!

Had a text from ex's wife this morning

Hi red, I know DH said we could have DC tonight, just wondering if it is urgent as we do have plans tonight. DH loves to see kids so doesn't like to say no, just wondered if we could do another night instead? {and some other stuff about a birthday coming up}

I text back saying no not really as we had plans, sorry if it was an inconvenience but ex seemed ok with it

Just had this reply: Yes well he doesn't like to say no to you or seeing the kids. To be fair think its a bit off asking us to have kids so you can celebrate steak and BJ night (guessing thats why you want the night off, ex said you were vague about why!) Apologies if i've got the wrong end of the stick but seems quite obvious to me. Anyway don't worry, we will be glad to have them, enjoy your night.

She's a fucking loon right?

OP posts:
WonderingAspie · 14/03/2016 14:46

Why would it affect contact? He's their father, nothing to do with her if they split. He doesn't write about her horribly, presumably they have had an argument about it because the father has put his DC above a regular gym trip, this is the sort of father that should be commended when you see some of the twats talked about on here! There is no reason why he shouldn't tell the OP to ignore her, he was clearly expecting something like this to happen.

Bogeyface · 14/03/2016 14:46

Well thats me proved wrong, I assumed that she was pissed off because she had a steak & BJ night planned (do people actually do that?!). The fact that she even thought that could be it speaks volumes....

The only people who discuss childcare etc are me and exH, and occasionally exFIL who will pick them up for weekend visits if ex hasnt finished work on time. If his GF sent me a message like that then I would not be happy, not least because it would show her attitude to my kids in no small way.

Sounds like she puts up with the kids rather than embraces them, which would bother me.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 14/03/2016 14:52

Wow. I'd keep well out of that little spat.

So op... anything nice planned for after the gp apt? Wink

AllMyBestFriendsAreMetalheads · 14/03/2016 14:54

Would it be really PA for me to suggest you text back your ex saying "great thanks. Enjoy your steak!"

TheoriginalLEM · 14/03/2016 14:55

I'm confused - you made a Drs appointment on the night your DP normally has his children so asked him to swap? Which he has. However this doesn't suit the ex as she has already made plans? So she sends a tongue in cheek email to say, well actually this doesn't suit us as we already have plans (perhaps she is at the dr's too?) and she is a loon?

Could you not have someone watch the children whilst you go to the Dr, or make the appointment on another night?

Sorry if i have missed something

PrettyBrightFireflies · 14/03/2016 14:56

Why would it affect contact? He's their father, nothing to do with her if they split. He doesn't write about her horribly, presumably they have had an argument about it

If he has to move house as a result of the split, for instance, contact may well be impacted.

No matter whether we had argued of not, I would never, ever disrespect my DP to the extent that I would tell anyone else to "ignore" him. In my opinion, it displays a level of contempt - which is a very common indicator of problems in a relationship.

Similarly, the DPs willingness to contact the OP and try and change something that had been put in place by the OPs ex is very disrespectful. He has agree to have the DCs but rather than accept it, she tries to change it? That wouldn't happen in a happy relationship, surely?

Bogeyface · 14/03/2016 15:02

LEM

No. She could get an appointment on a day when her kids are normally with her. So she asked her ex H if they could swap his weekday access from Wednesday to Monday. He said that he would just have them both nights as both he and the kids would like an extra day. His wife has kicked off because they normally go to the gym together and now he isnt going as he is seeing his kids, and she (not tongue in cheek imo) made nasty comments to the OP about it.

Swapping access days is not at all unusual if you have an amicable co parenting relationship. Me and ex do it quite often as do other friends of mine.

BarbarianMum · 14/03/2016 15:04

Gym Confused I was thinking more along the lines of theatre tickets or meeting friends for a meal.

ILeaveTheRoomForTwoMinutes · 14/03/2016 15:07

I hope she ends up on a squeaky cross trainer; every gym has one

Grin
pandakitchen · 14/03/2016 15:08

I wonder if it is her clumsy attempt at PA/lighthearted/humour, whilst trying to extract the reason for the changed plans, which I wouldn't tell her as it is non of anyone's business accept yours.

I would reply - No worries Smile, apology accepted.

Surely a bit of flexibility works both ways with access?

Helmetbymidnight · 14/03/2016 15:09

If dh contacted ex about an arrangement id made with ex about dc then I wouldn't be talking about him very favourably either.

diddl · 14/03/2016 15:13

Yes, it sounds as if she wanted to know what Op was doing that was so important that he was having his kids on their gym night.

Bottom line, he jumped at the chance to have extra time with his kids.

There doesn't need to be a reason.

Just unfortunate that it happens to be gym night.

lalalalyra · 14/03/2016 15:19

Sounds like cross words in ex's household. If this is the first time you've asked to change then it could be the first time ex has encountered any negativity from his partner toward the children's presence.

FeelingFine89 · 14/03/2016 15:22

Well that's going to be a nice atmosphere for the children to be in tonight then. Well done to all of the adults involved.

Scoopmuckdizzy · 14/03/2016 15:24

Sometimes plans change. The only one making an issue of it is the new partner.

NickiFury · 14/03/2016 15:29

Not OP's fault though is it? So not all the adults involved. I wouldn't let them go under these circumstances tbh.

Gazelda · 14/03/2016 15:34

Crikey! I didn't think this was an actual thing. Clitons, Moonpig etc seem to be missing an opportunity here. I think I'll knock something up on publisher and send it to them - could make myself a fortune!

Oswin · 14/03/2016 15:36

Feelingfine the only adult making an issue is the wife. The op and her ex have made arrangements that are normal, the ex gains a night with dc and everything is good.
Now she's pissed because he can't go the gym?!
I thought it would at least be a meal out or something.

TheoriginalLEM · 14/03/2016 15:42

oh - she's a loon

wannaBe · 14/03/2016 15:48

Nope the only one making an issue of it is the new wife, which shows her in a bit of a bad light esp as she so childishly texted the OP about it.

If my DP was that childish over having DS for an extra night then I would be none to complimentary about him either. She's brought it on herself. And the op's ex is clearly rightly pissed off about his DW's attitude and rightly so. So yes, the only one being shown in a bad light here is the wife, so she deserves all she gets IMO.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/03/2016 15:49

Well that's going to be a nice atmosphere for the children to be in tonight then. Well done to all of the adults involved

Only one adult has caused an issue and the op has given no indication at all that the children's father is not capable of making sure hostility does not happen with the children around, you know like most adults can

curren · 14/03/2016 15:50

My response would be " My doctor is vegan , and I think she'd be surprised by the offer of a BJ . But no matter . Will talk to XH to rearrange if it's too difficult for you . "

This is my favourite response! Grin

If the OP wasn't so vague and made it look like it was just a random change for a night out/ day out thing.

The OP is under no obligation to disclose anything to her ex or his wife. They are his kids too. She asked him to drop he said he would have them both.

I wouldn't book an appointment at a time that I knew I wouldn't be child free as I wouldn't want to encroach on my xp and his wife time (and I don't even like the man)

It's not like he has the kids 24/7 and he wanted them both. Honestly I don't get people who think fathers shouldn't step on a help when it's needed.

curren · 14/03/2016 15:51

Why do people think the OP shouldn't have asked to swop nights?

Sounds like the OP and her ex have a decent relationship co parenting the kids. It's give and take.

He may not be with the OP anymore but he is still their father. Why shouldn't she ask him to swop. It's only been once not like she is doing it all the time.

Groovee · 14/03/2016 15:52

Are you ruining her steak and BJ day? It's none of her business.

BYOSnowman · 14/03/2016 15:54

Can I ask a slightly off topic question

How usual is it for separated parents to give the other parent first refusal on babysitting (I mean looking after the child not on their contact night as I know you can't technically babysit your own kids!)?