AIBU and expecting too much

[Cutecat78]

I know step parents get flamed on here - I love my DSDs but have just had quite a "trying" weekend with them. I have three DC of my own who are in their teens and only one DD so I genuinely want to know if my DSDs are perhaps a bit immature (which I am really struggling with tbh as it means I spend the whole weekend feeling like an evil bitch telling them off and then go back to my FTJ on a Monday feeling totally stressed) and what do I do to maybe help them improve their behaviour a bit when with us

Have my DSDs every other weekend - we have 5 kids here.

DSDs just do not seem to be growing up since I met them 7 yrs ago. They are 11 and 9.

11 yr old wets the bed, walking round supermarket pulling down each other's trousers and knickers (11 yr old has hit puberty - I felt a bit mortified), spitting in each other's faces while unsupervised this afternoon, while trying to bake cakes with them they squabble over number of "stirs" and who cracks which egg, completely incapable of amusing themselves without us entertaining them or watching TV, talking to each other in "goo goo gaga" language and pretending to be babies, every single time they go to the loo not flushing, leaving a trail of bog roll and not washing hands and needing DH to sort out their clothes to wear - these are just a few examples - when they are playing together it just reminds me of the tension I felt when mine were toddlers - they cannot be trusted to be left in a room as they play fight and rip up paper (letters etc) or knock into things and break stuff or will pick up a load of clean laundry and throw it round the room.

Am I just stressed and tired and out of touch or are these behaviours a bit childish for these ages - and what do I do? OH struggles to put in any consequences as he says "they are only here for 4 days a month" yet expects me to be stringent as with my DC - another thread TBH. They often totally ignore me when I nicely ask them to stop a behaviour. My DC do not do this to me they respect me.

I know as a step mum it's trying sometimes but this feels so stressful every other weekend.

X-post triptrap

it's difficult, OP, as the DSDs are only with you EOW and holidays. Any positive behaviours you encourage may be eroded when they go back to their mum.

Do your DSDs have a good relationship with your DC?

cutecat genuine question, not an attack but are you able to say why you are so certain there is no sexual abuse? I'm sure you have reasons but if you don't share them, posters are just going to keep on about it!

Sounds to me like they should live with you fulltime. I'm surprised their father hasn't looked into this already, seeing as they appear to be developmentally delayed.

How on earth can you say 100% they have not been abused? You seem them every other weekend! I'm amazed at someone who works in 'the safeguarding team' (whatever the fuck that means, it could mean 1001 things) being so dismissive of clear red flags.

Seeing as I have actually met the children and spent time with them and have known them, their mother, her partners and what has gone on in their lives for the last 7 years - yes I can safely say they have not been exposed to sexual abuse - I am not prepared to go into further details here no.

For the poster that said about the years notice, yes that is absolutely true. My relative has just done it. Don't query things you know nothing about. I knew what the job was straight away because of this, there are also very limited places you can be posted because of it.

OP, my initial thought was they are regressing because they want the attention from their father/an adult. It does sound like neglect and lack of teaching of basic hygiene. The sexual abuse, it did make me wonder when you said about the pants pulling down and wiping fingers that have clearly been places. I wouldn't rule it out tbh.

And it would be utterly ridiculous for your DH to give up his means of income. How is he going to support his children without a wage ffs. But this is MN and you will always have ridiculous advice that doesn't work in the real world.

Yes - I think they both have issues with attachment.

Probably with both parents - but ESP OH as he was away almost the first year of DSD1 life.

I am very aware that they have an attachment with me which is why we keep everything stable and the same and consultant when OH is around.

*Consistent

www.army.mod.uk/welfare-support/23205.aspx

www.army.mod.uk/welfare-support/23199.aspx

“Where the care of young children can only be provided satisfactorily by the serving person's presence.”

“Temporary postings to the United Kingdom for compassionate reasons
Sometimes compassionate leave is not long enough to resolve a domestic or welfare problem” now I know you're not overseas but this is to illustrate that the armed forces do help wherever they can including altering a posting.

Yes he’ll have a ‘singly room’ but he can use the contact house network too. I've used it for my daughter to see my ex.

www.army.mod.uk/Search.aspx?searchparameter=Contact%20house

www.rafa.org.uk/what-we-do/on-station-support/contact-houses

My father extended his posting at one place as my sister was receiving a course of medical treatment so if his children need him they would do their utmost to help, whichever branch he's in. My family have served in all 4. I haven't served myself but been a daughter and wife of 30+ years, worked as a civil servant for the mod at the bases including in both raf and army welfare offices making such arrangements for service personnel. With the high rate of divorce and separation it's necessary.

But I don't think you want to hear any of this do you OP?

You're not a social worker, are you?

You don't know anything about his job or his postings. So please do not assume anything - or presume his ex is totally incapable of looking after her daughter's or what is going on in his career, who depends on that and who depends on his pension and lump sum when he leaves.

Please do not assume anything.

I hope not zaryiah. I'd hate to think a social worker would be so arrogant as to definitely rule out sexual abuse without even a second thought, when there are potential red flags.

You work in a safeguarding team and you can safely say children who are exhibiting THIS many red flags have never been sexually abused AND you don't see any need for a referral?

Are you actually for real? Are you a secretary or janitor on the safeguarding team? I really have heard it all now. So you have filthy unkempt kids with attachment issues who as prepubescents are pulling down trousers in the supermarket, pretending to be babies and spitting in eachother's faces and acting as though they were young toddlers.. and you think that they don't need a referral to SS?

Well, things are really even more fucked up than when I left two years ago if this is considered unworthy of a referral. Broken Britain indeed.

Cutecat I don't get what you want from this post tbh.

If I was a social worker I would be a pretty shit one if two kids who I have spent a massive amount of time with over the last seven years in my own home were both being sexually abused and I hadn't recognised that - or done everything within my power to stop

Can people not respect that I do not want to go into every minute detail of my life on here?

As I thought, op not interested in helping these dc. I'm out!

Ignorant in every way.

What do I want from this thread?

A MASSIVE break from Mumsnet.

I was waiting for the word pension to arise.

They are hellbent that won't be jeopardized no matter what the cost to the daughter's lives.

Those girls are at the bottom rung of priority in every adult's life and that's how it's going to stay.

And society will pay the price for the parents' selfishness.

Well, if you don't want to say what you do then don't pretend you know a lot about it. You clearly do not know much about safeguarding children, as evidenced by your bizarre statements about people wasting time by making "hysterical" referrals. This is not true btw. I would urge anyone to report concerns; everyone would rather a false alarm than another Daniel Pelka. Also, your insistence that you know they've not been abused. Perhaps (hopefully) they have not but you do not know for sure, only they can say.

No one needs to go into every minute detail of their lives but you are arguing that prepubescent bedwetting children who behave grossly inappropriately and demonstrate clear behavioural signs of significant distress don't meet the threshold for ANY SS intervention... really? I mean, I left two years ago, but these children are not children in need? By whose standards?

The thing is, both parents are neglecting these girls, not just their mum.

paul I'm pretty sure I know what job the op is talking about.

She has not just ignored things,she very clearly stated upthread that she has held conversations about her SC with the head of her safeguarding team.

If her job is what I think it is then that would be the most reliable way of having attention paid to a referal and if it met threshold then yes balls would start rolling, it is not really possible to have an off the record or no obligation to act conversation when it comes to things like this and it would be highly irregular if the teams policy was not followed.

fusion I've been out of the children's services loop for a while too but the law hasn't changed, nor has the legal threshold for "significant harm" which includes at risk of significant harm. These children need an assessment from professionals, not from the OP who doesn't know her arse from her elbow with regards to child protection.