AIBU and expecting too much

[Cutecat78]

I know step parents get flamed on here - I love my DSDs but have just had quite a "trying" weekend with them. I have three DC of my own who are in their teens and only one DD so I genuinely want to know if my DSDs are perhaps a bit immature (which I am really struggling with tbh as it means I spend the whole weekend feeling like an evil bitch telling them off and then go back to my FTJ on a Monday feeling totally stressed) and what do I do to maybe help them improve their behaviour a bit when with us

Have my DSDs every other weekend - we have 5 kids here.

DSDs just do not seem to be growing up since I met them 7 yrs ago. They are 11 and 9.

11 yr old wets the bed, walking round supermarket pulling down each other's trousers and knickers (11 yr old has hit puberty - I felt a bit mortified), spitting in each other's faces while unsupervised this afternoon, while trying to bake cakes with them they squabble over number of "stirs" and who cracks which egg, completely incapable of amusing themselves without us entertaining them or watching TV, talking to each other in "goo goo gaga" language and pretending to be babies, every single time they go to the loo not flushing, leaving a trail of bog roll and not washing hands and needing DH to sort out their clothes to wear - these are just a few examples - when they are playing together it just reminds me of the tension I felt when mine were toddlers - they cannot be trusted to be left in a room as they play fight and rip up paper (letters etc) or knock into things and break stuff or will pick up a load of clean laundry and throw it round the room.

Am I just stressed and tired and out of touch or are these behaviours a bit childish for these ages - and what do I do? OH struggles to put in any consequences as he says "they are only here for 4 days a month" yet expects me to be stringent as with my DC - another thread TBH. They often totally ignore me when I nicely ask them to stop a behaviour. My DC do not do this to me they respect me.

I know as a step mum it's trying sometimes but this feels so stressful every other weekend.

I am surprised that someone who has any relation at all to safeguarding would mention things like mum's revolving-door boyfriends, girls pulling down each other's knickers and vaginal-smelling blankets on a forum full of mums and then be surprised when everyone focuses on those things and panics on the childrens' behalf.

Sounds like they need to be on a child in need plan.

Well, if you don't want to say what you do then don't pretend you know a lot about it. You clearly do not know much about safeguarding children, as evidenced by your bizarre statements about people wasting time by making "hysterical" referrals. This is not true btw. I would urge anyone to report concerns; everyone would rather a false alarm than another Daniel Pelka

Yes it is true, malicious and stupid referals are a huge contributing factor towards SW's being run off there feet having unbearable amounts of work and other not great issues.

Obviously budget cuts don't help much either but that does not prevent another thing from causing problems.

These children need an assessment from professionals, not from the OP who doesn't know her arse from her elbow with regards to child protection.

This.

Indeed PNGirl....

To be honest, sexual abuse can be a bit of a red herring in situations sometimes... even if OP is right and it could be categorically proven not to be a factor here, there ARE clear signs of very significant distress. If they were a few years younger, it might not be so worrisome.. but when behaviour like this goes unchecked in this age group it can be a precursor for very signficant later mental health difficulties. The gap is narrowing in terms of time left to intervene. Securing a skilled psychological assessment would be my personal priority if in OP's position.

Cutecat78 I really don't want to be alarmist at all and I don't know about these things but you mention - "One in particular put her fingers in everything (will touch every single bread roll in a bread basket for everyone) and both often don't wash hands after the loo and then scratch their bums etc and wipe their fingers all over the communal blanket making it stink. Am constantly sending them to wash their hands."

I think that sounds rather like an earlier poster who said... "She would try and pull friends trousers / underwear down, touched herself inappropriate in front of friends, wiped snot and other bodily fluids on food she wanted, seemed very immature and unaware." The child as an adult went on to press charges for abuse.

I am not saying that this is the case at all, but this behaviour sounds similar.

I was looking on line for things to go with snot, in relation to your post and I found 'Body- Focused Repetitive Behaviors (BFRB’s)' but I don't think it is related. But another website did say poor hygiene, leaving clues to the abuse, and bed wetting could be related, although as i said before I know bed wetting does not always mean this!

www.stopitnow.org/ohc-content/tip-sheet-7

I know you work in this area so you probably know a lot more than I do, but sometimes when things affect those close to us it can be harder to see.

I do hope the fears some of us are suggesting are not true but in your shoes I would really want to get the girls checked out more generally, do you know if it is possible for a GP to do this?

All best wishes for you as you struggle through this, I hope you will find the right answers and right pathway to get these girls the help they need.

I cannot get my head around someone who knows 100% that a child is not being sexually abused, when the child doesn't even live with you all the time.

OP, You are either very naive or very stupid.

And OP, you need to remember that thresholds in social services can be unreasonably high... so perhaps you have burned out and become a bit blinkered in terms of what resource constraints have been set in your workplace and this has dampened your instincts about what is moral and ethical in terms of providing for the emotional and physical wellbeing of children... but you must know in your heart none of this is okay, none of it is right.. you must surely know if you have worked in children's services that these are seriously worrying behavioural indicators that the future will be very, very tough for these girls unless they get some serious help (and stability and care) as soon as is possible, in whatever way it is possible.

It sounds like a very difficult situation for you OP. The children do not sound well or happy and I agree that I'd be seeking professional help.

I think OP needs to remember that authorities and resources differ too, and she lives 200 miles away from the kids.

I think the main thing here is their dad needs to step in, investigate as far as he can into why they are like this, take extended leave if possible. He may need to change jobs etc to take them on and this may mean living apart from OP for a while, a totally reasonable thing to ask given they are his responsibility.

If he explains to a solicitor that their mum leaves them in the house alone while she goes to the pub, what are her chances of restricting his access to them?

Girls are at the least neglected and badly. At the worst what everybody says.
Cutecat78 Maybe an anonymous call to NSPCC if you don't want to be known to have made the referral yourself?
Seriously they need you.

Op I'm ever so sorry but I can't have just read 9 pages of this thread and not post. I genuinely feel like I could weep. These children need fucking help. Now.

You've told us this woman leaves her 11 and 9 year old daughters alone in the house and goes to the goddamn pub. What kind of person does that? What kind of person thinks that's acceptable? My daughter will be 9 very soon. I would never leave her alone in this house for longer than the time it would take me to walk my bins to the end of the street to be emptied. And I say that as the parent of a very sensible, fairly independent little girl. The NSPCC website stipulates that children under the age of 12 are rarely mature enough to be left at home alone. And I think we can all agree that your 11 year old SD is not mature enough. It also stipulates that babies, toddlers and very young children should never be left home alone. A 9 year old child is a very young child. I'm ever so sorry, but I don't understand how on this one basis alone your OH and you haven't made a move to ensure this stops happening for good, by whatever means necessary. The mere thought of children that young being left to fend for themselves whilst their irresponsible, neglectful, moron of a mother goes to the pub for drinks leaves me utterly speechless.

And that's just the start of it. An 11 year old girl is frequently wetting the bed. Now there could be an abundance of reasons for this. But what strikes me the most is her own mother scuppering and ignoring any and all attempts at figuring out if the problem can be fixed via this clinic you've mentioned. What parent doesn't get this problem addressed sooner?! Why isn't this her top priority? What is wrong with this woman?

A lot of the interactions between the girls you've noted sound like classic signs of regression. Again, there could be a number of reasons for this. But to my eyes it reads like a mixture of these girls having no sense of stability whatsoever, feeling totally abandoned by their mum and therefore acting out for attention and perhaps most worryingly of all, having not had proper, consistent instruction on how to behave leaving them 'behind' in their learning. It also reads a little like they've both taken up the role playing part of the infant as neither know how to play the part of the parent. As such you are left with children aged 11 and 9 behaving as they do - completely infantile.

I'll add my voice to those who have raised concerns regarding abuse, specifically sexual. There seem to be a few alarm bells ringing. You said their mum has had multiple short-lived relationships over the last few years. Can you pinpoint if any strange behavior started being displayed by the girls, specifically whilst the mum was in a relationship with any one particular person? Maybe it's a total leap and you're confident nothing untoward has happened. But can you remember anything that might suggest otherwise? Anything at all?

I am sorry if you feel a little jumped on by posters. But please understand that many who have just read this as outsiders feel really quite shocked by it. Sometimes, the closer you are to something, the harder it is to see (or admit). I am not the kind of parent who hovers over my DD with the cotton wool at the ready. Not by any means. But the things you have written about on this thread made my jaw drop. These girls need help. Please see that and do all you can for them. Because one day they will grow up, and they will want to know why the responsible adults around them didn't do more to help them. They are vulnerable, they are young and they don't have the power of voice that you do. Someone needs to stand up for these girls. Just because biology says they aren't technically yours doesn't mean you can't do something for them. I wouldn't sleep at night if I thought there was something I could do for them, and didn't. They're children. They deserve a chance

I am wondering if the OPs refusal to even consider the possibility of sexual abuse is that she has 2 teenage boys of her own at home

I'm not accusing them of anything, but perhaps she is unconsciously protecting them from suspicion/questioning

Margaret, that seems a bit mad
The OP really came in here to have a moan about these girls being such hard work

I think part of her reaction is shock because she hadn't realised what a serious situation it was

As I say, I still believe the father has maximum responsibility for sorting out some help for his children.

Perhaps the children do not wet the bed at the mothers house.

And 11yo children are expected to be able to get themselves to school and back by themselves.

I'm not saying it's great but it is something that is subjective as are hygine standards and dress standards and behaviour standards.

Granted based on the very first post it's not a good situation but it's quite obvious the first one is quite ranty it's also quite obvious that the op has long standing issues with the mum.

She's a bit clearer as she posts further and much less ranty, and she has discussed the situation with someone qualified to make a decision on the situation and that person does have a professional obligation.

These children attend school they are visible and the father has spoken to the school and (if I recall correctly from a previous thread) at least one is obtaining additional pastoral support via the school.

I see this poster about a bit, she grates on me and I find her annoying but I do not think she deserves the response she has had nor do I think the situation warrants it.

I can't help wondering how many victims of CSA had adults around them who were certain there DC could not possibly be abused. For most people it is too heinous to even contemplate.

That being said it is not even that worry which concerns me about this thread. These girls need more help and support than they are receiving from the adults in their lives. The OP needs to tell her DP to step up and start acting like a proper father rather than be concerned about his pension. Ffs do something now.

*there their

I really like the sound of you OP. You genuinely sound caring. Your DH on the other hand is abdicating his responsibility and sounds awful. Sorry. There is no way a good father sits by and allows his children to suffer that level of neglect. You are definitely doing your best but your DH is absolutely not.

I love how everyone is projecting to the OP, legally OP can really do nothing!

This is down to the OP partner and his enstranged wife they are the ones who need help!

They THE "PARENTS" are the ones allowing two messed up kids be subjected to further neglect and inappropriate behaviours! Not to mention the emotional and developments delays they are showing!

Actions needs to be taken... From the parents! Not a girlfriend who sees them 4 times a month!

Some of you should be throughly ashamed of yourself!

he owes it to them to move near them and protect them and get them the medical / emotional professional help they clearly desperately need.

FFS, no he DOESN"T. Get the medical/emotional/professional support YY definitely, but he doesn't have to leave his wife and his job and move to where they are to do that.

He owes it to them (and to the OP) to stop burying his head in the sand and listen to the her concerns and to take them seriously. He owes it to them to instigate some sort of professional intervention or at least a dialogue with the school. He owes it to them to move them to be with him and the OP, if that is what is deemed necessary if the mother can't sort herself out after being given the right support, or if it turns out there is anything sinister or serious going on. He really doesn't 'owe it to them' to give up his career and leave his wife to move to where his kids live. What nonsense. Children are uprooted all the time on the whims of a parent's to move house, change job or whatever. No-one dies. Get a grip.

An absolutely breathtaking level of projecting and hysteria going on on this thread.

cutecat78 You have been given a rough time on here since last I typed

Just wanted to say that you absolutely can get a court order regardless of DH being Forces. The orders are written in such a way as to be amenable to his work requirements and the courts would also take into account your position over the past 7 years in the children's lives.

have a strong on me

legally OP can really do nothing

It appears to have escaped your attention that the 'estranged wife' is in fact an ex wife and the 'girlfriend' is married to the father of these "two messed up kids" which fact makes them her stepdaughters who, as the OP makes clear, she has known for 7 years and regularly sees every other week when they spend the weekend in her home and in her care.

As stepmother to two dds, imo the OP has the same duty of care to them as she has to her own dc and, at the very least, she can alert their schools/pastoral care workers to their inappropriate behavour but, sadly, she appears to be reluctant to do so in case it inconveniences her life with their df and her own dc who are, presumably, from one or more of her earlier relationships/marriage(s).

Furthermore, from hmctsformfinder.justice.gov.uk/courtfinder/forms/cb001-eng.pdf

You are a step-parent if you are not the child’s parent but are married to, or a civil partner of, a parent of the child who has parental responsibility for that child and you have treated the child as your child.

If you are the child’s step-parentyou can apply for a child arrangements prder (including to vary or discharge an existing order) or a parental responsibility order - which simple fact blows your assertion that "legally" the OP "can really do nothing" to stop the rot make any meaningful intervention in her stepdaughters' lives out of the water, MsJamieFraser.