AIBU and expecting too much

[Cutecat78]

I know step parents get flamed on here - I love my DSDs but have just had quite a "trying" weekend with them. I have three DC of my own who are in their teens and only one DD so I genuinely want to know if my DSDs are perhaps a bit immature (which I am really struggling with tbh as it means I spend the whole weekend feeling like an evil bitch telling them off and then go back to my FTJ on a Monday feeling totally stressed) and what do I do to maybe help them improve their behaviour a bit when with us

Have my DSDs every other weekend - we have 5 kids here.

DSDs just do not seem to be growing up since I met them 7 yrs ago. They are 11 and 9.

11 yr old wets the bed, walking round supermarket pulling down each other's trousers and knickers (11 yr old has hit puberty - I felt a bit mortified), spitting in each other's faces while unsupervised this afternoon, while trying to bake cakes with them they squabble over number of "stirs" and who cracks which egg, completely incapable of amusing themselves without us entertaining them or watching TV, talking to each other in "goo goo gaga" language and pretending to be babies, every single time they go to the loo not flushing, leaving a trail of bog roll and not washing hands and needing DH to sort out their clothes to wear - these are just a few examples - when they are playing together it just reminds me of the tension I felt when mine were toddlers - they cannot be trusted to be left in a room as they play fight and rip up paper (letters etc) or knock into things and break stuff or will pick up a load of clean laundry and throw it round the room.

Am I just stressed and tired and out of touch or are these behaviours a bit childish for these ages - and what do I do? OH struggles to put in any consequences as he says "they are only here for 4 days a month" yet expects me to be stringent as with my DC - another thread TBH. They often totally ignore me when I nicely ask them to stop a behaviour. My DC do not do this to me they respect me.

I know as a step mum it's trying sometimes but this feels so stressful every other weekend.

TippyTappy

An absolutely breathtaking level of projecting and hysteria going on on this thread

Agree 100%. A lot of amateur psychologists here too. Children scratching their bums and then wiping their hands on blankets MUST be a symptom of sexual abuse

I hope OP has left the thread, I don't think she'll find any help here. Shame people can't offer help instead of feigning outrage.

To be honest, the legal status of the OP is irrelevant.

She says she is working in a safeguarding team and she is convinced there is nothing that warrants any action by SS.

That worries me more than anything on this thread - because she very well may not be wrong given the pressure on current systems.

It's just a very sad state of affairs in the country at large if children demonstrating signs of neglect and mental distress can't be supported to access this by their own father and no supports seem to be available even to someone who knows the system intimately.

I find it hard to believe on one hand and on the other, fear it is very likely the way things are going. Another generation lost to lack of care, despite everything we know about the consequences of this type of early difficulty - despite it all. It's very distressing. There are now oodles of proven behavioural interventions to support children and young people in developing resilience to prevent long-term sequalae of lack of nurture and care (note: lack of nurture and care vs abuse - see www.nurtureeffect.com) and all that's available is the most cursory fire-fighting. How tragic in all our affluence we are still failing children in need.

*he owes it to them to move near them and protect them and get them the medical / emotional professional help they clearly desperately need.

FFS, no he DOESN"T. Get the medical/emotional/professional support YY definitely, but he doesn't have to leave his wife and his job and move to where they are to do that*

Tipptappy he is a parent not a concerned bystander. He created a situation where he parents neglected children from afar he is completely feckless in my opinion. The fact that you have such low expectations from a father but expect the mother to stand up to the plate is obviously conflicting. I think both of the children's useless parents could do a hell of a lot more. In fact the only one trying here as far as I can see is the OP who as others have said is almost completely powerless.

And no Leelu, it's not children scratching their bums and wiping them on blankets that's the issue.

It's the whole context.

Persistent nits.
Bedwetting issues not being pursued appropriately for follow up and treatment.
Father living 200 miles away who seems to be the one who takes care of things like nits and medical appointments.
Mother leaving children alone to go to pub on regular basis.
Mother with revolving door relationships (seven in seven years).
A stepmum in safeguarding who agrees these children have significant difficulties with attachment.
Very poor indicators of social-emotional development (as agreed by OP), including pulling down the knickers of someone who has reached puberty in the supermarket to an extent her pubic region was on show.

For me, the sentence "just do not seem to be growing up since I met them 7 yrs ago" in this context, where they are visiting someone who works in safeguarding, is the most signficant.

If you really think it's "projection" and "hysteria" to see those things as signs that children of 11 and 9 need professional help, then we have really all lost the plot when it comes to taking care of children and young people.

The behaviour doesn't sound right at all with spitting at each other and pulling clothes down. What does the school say?

OP you've been given a rough ride on this thread.

You are obviously concerned and care about the children. And it must be exhausting having them and worrying about them as well as your own DC, particularly as your DH has a job which means he is away from the home so much.

I think it would do no harm though to call SS. At the very least, it might mean a word from them to the DC's mother about leaving them while she goes to the pub. And SS might pick up on other issues, speak with the school to see if there are concerns there etc. They might be aware of others who have reported concerns around the DC. Equally, it might result in an 'all clear' report, which would be reassuring for you all.

The DC (and their DM) obviously need some intervention to address their behaviours and I think you should make a report. For the sake of a call and possibly some interviews, your whole family life (including that of your sons) could improve imeasurably.

fusionconfusion

I don't think anyone is disputing that the kids need professional help.

But I don't think people are hearing the OP. You just said bedwetting is not being pursued appropriately for treatment but OP says below:

I am hoping when we get the new referral letter for the bed wetting clinic there will be an opportunity for a psychological assessment then. DSD2 gets extra pastoral support at school

I don't think people fixating on possible sexual abuse is helping the situation. Instead of engaging the OP and getting her to talk about the issues, she is facing a barrage of outrage.

Anyone blaming the OP needs to give their head a wobble. Her DH is the one with 2 neglected children. Given the demands of his job and the fact that his 2 children were in trouble he was not really free to start a relationship 200 miles away from his children but he did. His exw who apparently wants full custody should be looking after her children but she is not. These 2 people are responsible for the children. The only other thing I would ask of the OP is that she catalogues the neglect so the threshold can be met that way by persistent instances of abuse. Also while obviously she does not feel she is in a position to uproot her own family who are understandably her priority age needs to not get in the way of her husband parenting which essentially means he lives nearer his kids and she travels the 200miles instead of him.

I agree about the sexual abuse. I think the "outrage" though arose out of a sense of horror that OP works on a safeguarding team and these things don't seem to warrant intervention. That's a broader issue than the OP's choices, of course - but it's hardly surprising, as someone said upthread, that if you give this information on a forum of mothers you will get a strong emotional reaction.

I'm on the fence about the bedwetting clinic referral. I wouldn't be one to say anyone needs to leave their job and move counties in cases like this and all of that sort of clearly unworkable malarkey, but there is an underlying reality that there's a difference between being a professional deciding to intervene in a situation and being in a situation of parental responsibility.

The only satisfactory outcome of an intervention is a satisfactory outcome - in public services, a satisfactory outcome is often that a referral has been made or there is something "in place", but there are very few right-thinking involved parents who won't recognise that this is the barest minimum acceptable under the law, not anywhere near ideal. So there is an onus on the girls' father to pull the finger out and move this situation along not just assume a bystander position when the girls are not at his house. Denitting children every time you see them is better than nothing, but trying to deal with the neglect that creates this situation is more important in the long run.

Would it be possible to take the girls for a longer period as a one off?

Maybe a fortnight or a month, where you could make appointments for the bed wetting, sort out the nit problem, instill a better routine of chores and personal care, and put in place a reward/punishment scheme?
Then when they visit in the future they would be more aware of the behaviours that you expect from them when they are in your home

The bickering is normal between siblings and they are probably excited to be visiting you and having fun which makes it worse
The bed wetting is rare, but some children do have issues
The trouser pulling is not acceptable so putting in place a behaviour or reward chart may help

I don't know why so many people are making this your fault! You are concerned for the girls and trying to help them
I posted yesterday about being fed up and lonely, and was told its all my arsehole controlling evil husbands fault and I should leave him! These things escalate from nothing
Good luck

It may be worth an anonymous phone call to social services hi lighting the nits and mum leaving them to go to the pub, it may give mum the kick up the arse she needs and will put them on ss radar

Still legally even as a "step parent" she cannot force help, or even get any information about the children's medical records etc... yes she can report them to CSC, but thats about all she can do.

The parent's need to take action, the only one taking action is the OP so it seems, she's the one making sure they wash their hands, she's the one who is de-nit, she's the one telling them off...

I also thought the OP said when they get divorced, somewhere in her posts and also OP does not call him dh, she calls him OH!

People are still projecting!

Taking extended periods of leave for whatever reason is very very difficult and very bad for your career.

Whereas ignoring the distress of two children is fine?

I'd love to know how you can categorically state there's no abuse going on when you only see them for about 5 minutes? As has been tragically demonstrated by PPs an actual social worker who lived with her children full time could mistakenly believe her child was safe so why the actual fuck would you "just know" when you see them 4 days a month? Crystal ball?

Oh Goodness! It sounds like you are about to take on a really important role in the lives of these two children, providing some care and stability. On top of your own extremely busy life - not easy.
Having nits all the time sounds alarm bells of neglect tbh, as does not knowing how to behave at all, and the other stuff.
I think you need a serious chat with your OH about whether he steps up and begins to take a more major role in their lives.
Our school has a welfare officer you can speak to (I think she is funded by SureStart but not sure), which might be a good first step about how you can best support/help the situation going forward.
In the meantime, being there, friendly and trying not to get too cross is the best you can do.
Sounds like you are doing an amazing job already!

Gymboree567

I posted yesterday about being fed up and lonely, and was told its all my arsehole controlling evil husbands fault and I should leave him! These things escalate from nothing

You agreed with posters on your thread that your DH is the problem

I do think your husband is a huge contributor to you being fed up and lonely.

I work in safeguarding. Firstly, just because a referral may not meet the threshold does not mean it shouldn't be sent. It is a failure in your duty of care if you know there is harm being done to the children.

Every referral provides a history and picture of what's going on with the family. You have no idea what SS records may have for these children. There may be previous DV, police attendances, being drunk and disorderly - who knows.

Secondly if a 11 and 9 year old are being left alone while their sole carer is in the pub, then it's standard procedure to call the police to conduct a welfare check. Parents have been arrested and prosecuted for this, it comes up time and again in child protection conferences.

If I was your DH, I would be finding out if there was a pattern to the pub going or ringing the children regularly and asking to speak with their mum if I suspected they were alone and then calling the police myself.

Leaving your children alone while you go to the pub is not ok.

Cutecat, something about the girls scratching and wiping their fingers on things made me think they could have a chronic, severe infestation with threadworms. The worms do cause irritation around the vulva as they emerge from the anus to lay eggs and this may cause rashes, the child may appear to be rubbing themselves inappropriately, when they are trying to alleviate the discomfort. It is known that bedwetting is exacerbated by this infestation. And with the poor level of care from their mother, the girls could have been re-infesting themselves for years.

Medical treatment is the way to go, as well as thoroughly cleaning the house, washing all bedding and towels on a hot wash, short finger nails and good hand washing especially before handling and eating food. You and your family may all need to take the medication as well.

Seeing as I have actually met the children and spent time with them and have known them, their mother, her partners and what has gone on in their lives for the last 7 years - yes I can safely say they have not been exposed to sexual abuse - I am not prepared to go into further details here no.

Not one single person can definitely be 100% sure that another person or child hasnt been sexually abused.

I was sexually abused form the ages 6-11 by my brother and not one person picked up on it, nobody had a clue until 3 years ago, i kept it a secret for 15 years. Even though there were alot of tell tale signs, i had numerous doctors appointments because of bed wetting (right untill i was 14) i seen a child psychologist due to my bad behaviour, not one person family or professional picked up on the abuse, why? Because they thought there was no chance it could ever have happened to there me, they lived with me and knew everything about me, instead i was labeled as the 'naughty' child who just didnt know how to behave.

I used to pray somebody would guess what was happening and save me.

Talk to your partner, ask him to talk to his children and get to the bottom of why they're behaving this way but dont brush it off as 'just bad behaviour'.

I dont believe everyone is capable of sexaul abuse and i dont think all men are peadophiles but IME its better to be safe than sorry.

girly

A short term infection can also cause the same symptoms

Yes, but if the mother has overlooked the constant nits, she won't have been bothered to think of worms, or even urine infection.

Secondly if a 11 and 9 year old are being left alone while their sole carer is in the pub, then it's standard procedure to call the police to conduct a welfare check. Parents have been arrested and prosecuted for this, it comes up time and again in child protection conferences

It would not fit the criteria for prosecution unless the children being unsupervised left them at risk no matter the reason why they are alone.

The majority of sucessful prosecutions are when kids are left over night or long term.

It would be unusual for something like this where a neighbour has agreed to be contactable (and possibly also checking) and the parent is not gone for several hours to get that far.

The action itself is only against the law if the children are at risk and whilst it may come up in conferences it often will not meet criteria at threshold stage.

We do not know these children we also do not know how they behave when they are at the mothers.

We also do not know how far away mum is,how long she is gone for, just how aware or alert and accessible the neighbour is. Is mum coming back smashed or just having had one drink.

Around here 11yo's are expected to be incredibly independent lots of them make there way to and from schools significant distances away and many of them let themselves in after school and are by themselves until parents return from work.

girly

Loads of people do not treat nits in a way that compleatly clears an infestation many of them have no idea how to do it. It's not unusual for them to seam like they are out of control.
It does not go hand in hand that the same inability to control thread worms would also occur. They are rather easier to treat or many people will find it less frustrating and easier.

Ive lost count of the amount of threads ive seen on here complaining about other parents not treating their kids some the ops kids keep getting them when it's glaringly obvious and usually pointed out by the majority of posters that the op themselves is not treating correctly and not clearing it.

Levels of infestations are also subjective as well. Ive seen some quite shocking ones where you could stand 4 feet away and see them very obviously,ive also had someone describe a horrendious infestation to me but the child had fairly obviously recently been treated and was on day 5 of the comb out.

Do not forget these children have seen a specialist about the bed wetting.

But if nothing is being reported and logged there's never going to be a case built, is there?

It isn't about the threshold at this minute. It's about establishing a pattern of clear neglect. Anyone who has ever dealt with children in need who are being neglected will know that it takes a tremendous amount of documentation for any action to be taken, but one thing is certain - if nothing is being documented, it's unlikely that action will be taken even if it really needs to be.