AIBU and expecting too much

[Cutecat78]

I know step parents get flamed on here - I love my DSDs but have just had quite a "trying" weekend with them. I have three DC of my own who are in their teens and only one DD so I genuinely want to know if my DSDs are perhaps a bit immature (which I am really struggling with tbh as it means I spend the whole weekend feeling like an evil bitch telling them off and then go back to my FTJ on a Monday feeling totally stressed) and what do I do to maybe help them improve their behaviour a bit when with us

Have my DSDs every other weekend - we have 5 kids here.

DSDs just do not seem to be growing up since I met them 7 yrs ago. They are 11 and 9.

11 yr old wets the bed, walking round supermarket pulling down each other's trousers and knickers (11 yr old has hit puberty - I felt a bit mortified), spitting in each other's faces while unsupervised this afternoon, while trying to bake cakes with them they squabble over number of "stirs" and who cracks which egg, completely incapable of amusing themselves without us entertaining them or watching TV, talking to each other in "goo goo gaga" language and pretending to be babies, every single time they go to the loo not flushing, leaving a trail of bog roll and not washing hands and needing DH to sort out their clothes to wear - these are just a few examples - when they are playing together it just reminds me of the tension I felt when mine were toddlers - they cannot be trusted to be left in a room as they play fight and rip up paper (letters etc) or knock into things and break stuff or will pick up a load of clean laundry and throw it round the room.

Am I just stressed and tired and out of touch or are these behaviours a bit childish for these ages - and what do I do? OH struggles to put in any consequences as he says "they are only here for 4 days a month" yet expects me to be stringent as with my DC - another thread TBH. They often totally ignore me when I nicely ask them to stop a behaviour. My DC do not do this to me they respect me.

I know as a step mum it's trying sometimes but this feels so stressful every other weekend.

You've mentioned it - several times.

Because it's easy to post advice on a thread that rips one part of a family apart without assuring the professional assistance needed to support the other.

It's easy to dish out criticism without giving any constructive advise.

It's easy to "Google" and know everything about someone's circumstances.

an 11 year old is masturbating to the extent of causing a blanket to smell of vaginal fluids. She is pulling down pants and undies in public . The mother is leaving them alone while she is out drinking. The mother has had many men living with these cc. And there is no need to report? Ss can investigate and decide how to help if necessary.

I did not say she was masturbating

I did not say many men living with them.

I said pulling down each other's and pissing about.

So I've scanned the thread and wow.
Completely ignoring the argument here.

Op your in an impossible situation, I have a 10yo DSD that we see much less than you see yours but I have had a few of the same concerns. Immaturity, hygiene so close to puberty etc etc (this is your post not mine).

Your DSDs' sound much more in trouble than mine and ive already looked into neglect so IMO I'd agree with pp that this definitely needs addressing. The girls need help and you are in a position to do so.

However. I get how hard it is to do anything as a SM. You've got DH to factor in and obviously the ex, particularly as she's sensitive about these things.

Obviously I have no idea if they've suffered any form of physical abuse but from where I'm sat, neglect does sound likely and I think you really have to help some way or another.

Sorry I've not really got proper advice, just solidarity.

Blanket?
Vaginal fluids??
Wtf???

In fairness to armani...

You said 7 "serious" boyfriends in 7 years. You were asked if they had lived with the mum (the boyfriends). You didn't answer - the fact you said serious does make one assume they either lived there or stayed over fairly regularly... So lots of men living in the same house as the children over a period of years.

You also said that the blanket smelt of "an intimate area". Unless you meant urine or faeces, then for a blanket to smell like that the inference is that a child has had her hand in her vaginal area and then wiped it on the blanket.

So, yes.

Oh wow, I missed the bit about the blanket earlier. That's disgusting! Maybe it's not the girl though but the mother. And if it's the mother and she's just leaving it lying around in the living room where everyone can use it,then...

OP, it doesn't need to be a case of phoning social services and trying to get custody. You can inform social services and the mother could get some help. Either way, the important thing is that the kids are helped! That is the most important thing all round.

And please stop with the 'social services will only ever respond to incredibly serious neglect or abuse' because that isn't quite true. They may not continue to see her or take any progress personally, but they sure as hell would check up and signpost anything needed, possibly send round family support workers etc to help her

I interpreted the original blanket info as that the child was handling her own genitals, for whatever reason, and wiped on the blanket.

I also thought "serious" boyfriends meant relationships that would bring them into the bio-mom's home and around the girls. So reprehensible to have a revolving-door sex life around children that age. And if the mom is often drunk, god knows what went on.

Started reading thinking it was a case of your DH needing to step up and parent, but by the end of the OP I too had alarm bells ringing. There is something very serious going on with these kids and SS need to be involved.

Just looked back phequer and it looks like you're right.

Where do the kids sleep when they stay at yours OP?

Where do the kids sleep when they stay at yours OP?

Why on earth would you ask that?

Because I'm wondering if it was in the living room and she's doing it at night, rather than potentially during the day

No. One in particular put her fingers in everything (will touch every single bread roll in a bread basket for everyone) and both often don't wash hands after the loo and then scratch their bums etc and wipe their fingers all over the communal blanket making it stink. Am constantly sending them to wash their hands.

It does sound like your DSD have regressed OP and some of they're behaviour is inappropriate for they're age and the pulling down each others clothes in public places is not something that's really usual at any age and it could be pointing to the fact that the girls have either been abused themselves at some stage or they've witnessed things they shouldn't have done either by accident or on purpose.
You've said there has been several different partners in they're mothers life it could have been or be one of them or it could be a babysitter,another family member or a family friend.

If you feel talking to the Mum won't get you anywhere and you won't involve SS at least contact they're school for they're sakes.They're school can look into your concerns and they can keep an eye on the girls at school and if they're worried they will get ss involved.

I used to teach and then I worked with SS and safe guarding within schools.Some of the things you have mentioned are things that I would have been concerned about.

Can we just be clear for once and all - I work in the safeguarding team so am fully aware of support services available and how it works and what is a referral and what is not.

I am not going into details but they have not been sexually abused - and I object to the discussion about it.

Work in a safeguarding team but can't be bothered to try and do anything for these girls, come out with every excuse possible, make comments about worrying things and then try to make them less worrying by adding detail later and think you are so perfect you couldn't possibly know exactly what was happening?

No wonder 'safeguarding' is going downhill

OP while I understand a lot of people aren't listening to you I think that as you came on for advice you should try to concentrate on any positives you can find amongst the comments. You've had some sound advice and I think getting angry and engaging in arguments isn't the way to go. It must be hard for so many people to show concern when you were just asking for behaviour advice but surely the fact that so many have, tells you that you may need to take a closer look?

It's going downhill because of a lot of hysterical referrals from people like those on this thread and detracting decent workers from safeguarding children and young people who are actually at risk.