AIBU and expecting too much

[Cutecat78]

I know step parents get flamed on here - I love my DSDs but have just had quite a "trying" weekend with them. I have three DC of my own who are in their teens and only one DD so I genuinely want to know if my DSDs are perhaps a bit immature (which I am really struggling with tbh as it means I spend the whole weekend feeling like an evil bitch telling them off and then go back to my FTJ on a Monday feeling totally stressed) and what do I do to maybe help them improve their behaviour a bit when with us

Have my DSDs every other weekend - we have 5 kids here.

DSDs just do not seem to be growing up since I met them 7 yrs ago. They are 11 and 9.

11 yr old wets the bed, walking round supermarket pulling down each other's trousers and knickers (11 yr old has hit puberty - I felt a bit mortified), spitting in each other's faces while unsupervised this afternoon, while trying to bake cakes with them they squabble over number of "stirs" and who cracks which egg, completely incapable of amusing themselves without us entertaining them or watching TV, talking to each other in "goo goo gaga" language and pretending to be babies, every single time they go to the loo not flushing, leaving a trail of bog roll and not washing hands and needing DH to sort out their clothes to wear - these are just a few examples - when they are playing together it just reminds me of the tension I felt when mine were toddlers - they cannot be trusted to be left in a room as they play fight and rip up paper (letters etc) or knock into things and break stuff or will pick up a load of clean laundry and throw it round the room.

Am I just stressed and tired and out of touch or are these behaviours a bit childish for these ages - and what do I do? OH struggles to put in any consequences as he says "they are only here for 4 days a month" yet expects me to be stringent as with my DC - another thread TBH. They often totally ignore me when I nicely ask them to stop a behaviour. My DC do not do this to me they respect me.

I know as a step mum it's trying sometimes but this feels so stressful every other weekend.

I can't really remember tbh they move from stage to stage and so have forgotten what it's like I don't think so no - I do work with older kids and am aware of abuse etc so knowing them for most of their lives I would say no they aren't being sexually abused it's more a lack of awareness of how to behave appropriately IYSWIM.

I would say it's low level neglect tbh. They are left on their own at home a lot which worries me.

Work within safeguarding sorry - yes has always bed wet but never been properly addressed IMO.

The hairs NOT he airs. Sorry

I'm sorry OP but your last couple of posts sound a bit arrogant. You work with children, had a bit of training so you know they're not being abused. If you are so knowledgeable then why can't you sort them out? Training counts for nothing when problems hit your own doorstep, then you can be too close to see it. If you and your husband are so confident, then what's to lose, getting social services involved?

Have you engaged with the school, they have an ongoing regular unbiased relationship with them so are well placed to have an honest conversation with you and dh.

If you haven't please do as soon as possible.

Imo you need to get to the bottom of this as some of the behaviour is "red flag"

It is also time to have a proper discussion with mum and if she is unwilling to help her children then think about going for custody.

your dh needs to step up for his children while they are young enough to not have long lasting damage it's not only your job.

Cutecat78 sorry this sounds awful for them and for you.

I think you and your dh need some outside help and quick, for the girls sake.

If they are being neglected then I think you may need to face the possibility of their spending more time at your house if this were to come to a head and their birth mum cannot cope. How would you handle that, or what would your dh and you decide. I am just flagging that up as a possibility.

You sound like a lovely and caring step mum and the girls are lucky to have you.

I think your dead is burying his head in the sand if he does not see constant nits and bed wetting as a problem in a child almost at high school.

Bed wetting can persist to this age, that alone is not the main issue, but coupled with any signs of neglect and the behaviour - worrying.

Who pulls down the trousers and pants of the other, the older doing it to the younger or they both do it to each other? Frankly that is very worrying behaviour of pulling down pants and trousers of an adolescent/almost adolescent and is a concern. It shows a lack of awareness about the body and that is something girl should not be doing around each other, because at high school that kind of thing could be dangerous (sorry to be alarmist).

I think the girls' mum needs to be part of discussions about these concerns but she may not be willing to do so.Your husband as their father has a duty to care for and protect them, not just when they are with you but all the time, he is trusting his ex to do this but you are rightly aware she may not be able to do this for whatever reason.

Trust your instincts that all is not well, whether this is signs of a behaviour condition or experiences or something else, I have no idea, but the behaviour is not normal and is primarily hurting the girls. Keep focusing on them, their well being. I know it is hard for you but for the point of getting something done, changes made, focus purely on their well being and your concern for their well being IMHO.

Sorry - dh not dead.... I think your dh is burying his head in the sand

I am not saying they have been sexually abused because I don't know.

I will tell you this though.

you won't know if they are/have been almost 100% of the survivors of sexual abuse Iv worked with have proven to me that until they disclosed sometimes many years later no one knew!

Sorry again, I meant... Who pulls down the trousers and pants of the other, the older doing it to the younger, the younger doing it to the older or they both do it to each other?

Totally agree with Gikeypig re "your dh needs to step up for his children while they are young enough to not have long lasting damage it's not only your job."

Re "7 serious boyfriends" that means roughly one a year since your dhand his ex wife/partner split up. That isn't serious it's seriously damaging. By serious do you mean these men moved into the home?

I know this will sound very judgemental and everyone is entitled to a private life but being a parent trumps 'boyfriends' in my book and it sounds like their mum's energy is going into making and trying to maintain numerous new relationships at the expense of her girls.

As the mum to a little boy through adoption (and an 11 year old birth dd) I know from the information I have read in general (not superficially for my son) that relationships with unsuitable men (be they the birth father of the child in question or potentially someone else) can be a big cause of mum's losing their children. The mum prioritises the relationship with the man over her own kids, to her kids detriment and in some situations this will mean she loses her kids. It is very sad.

I have an 11 year old and 8 year old and none of what you describe is "normal" really in NT kids. Both of mine choose their clothes and dress in the morning....they have the odd squabble but are generally considerate to one another. Spitting...nope....flushing loo...sometimes they forget but not after a poo. Pant pulling down....never...they'd be mortified.

Totally agree with italiangreyhound.

Their mother sounds abysmal and your husband not much better for letting all that happen to his daughters. He needs to step up NOW though at their ages it's pretty much a done deal that they are fucked up. Great job by the parents.

I'm a survivor, I've worked in child protection, have a dd who never behaved like this at the ages stated and lots of experience with children of all kinds of backgrounds.

Nobody knew I was molested, nobody knew I didn't feel safe. I was a good quiet girl at school not a top student not struggling, clean clothes, spotless home, professional parents. You cannot know without it being investigated properly. Bed wetting is a massive red flag for CSA. So is regression, it's escape to a non sexual age. Please don't ignore this.

It actually sounds like they're crying out (albeit subconsciously) for SOMEONE to notice and you're the only parent who frankly seems to give a damn! Because by being more concerned about being Disney Dad your dh is failing them and their mother is either wilfully neglectful/abusive or in need of professional intervention herself.

Good luck with it all.

baconmum

You have very eloquently managed to describe what I was trying to convey with my posts.

I don't really want to say anymore but want you to know I get what your saying and by that I think you know what I mean.

*baconyum! Not baconmum :-)

I absolutely concur with Baconyum that your dsds are, effectively, SCREAMING for somone to notice that there is something very seriously amiss, particularly as it's abundantly apparent that they are acting out when they are in your care.

I see no reason for you to be confident that sexual abuse can be ruled out and their inappropriate behaviour gives every reason to suspect that one or both of them have been victims of abuse that may be ongoing when they are in their dm's home.

Please re-read your OP and pay attention to your observation that your DSDs just do not seem to be growing up since I met them 7 yrs ago.

The warning flags can't fly any higher and the warning bells can't be any louder. Your dsds have been failed by those who have a duty to protect them and I trust that you won't continue to be one of the succession of adults who've turned a blind eye to their obvious distress.

My dsd has had some problems maturing etc. but that is nothing like how you are describing your dsd's behaviour.

Something seems terribly wrong.

I agree with Bacon too. I'm sorry, Cutecat - you're in the unfeasible position of being the only parent showing responsible awareness towards the girls, yet you only see them a few days a month and are not the adult with parental responsibility.

I think at the very least you could phone Social Services and raise a concern. I've got the depressing feeling nothing will end up being done to help stabilise these kids, but please do try.

Best of luck

Cutecat78 just another thought, that if someone else reports your dsds' mum for neglect etc or potentially one of these 7 possible men for any form of abuse then the children may well be taken into care. It would be much better for you and your dh to work with social services from the start to protect the girls, even if this means their going into foster care or something similar.

If social services find there really is no abuse, and are able to help the girls' mum to deal with other issues at home, you have said yourself there may be some neglect (which can be just as damaging as abuse in some cases) then you will now you have done all you can.

Having dealt with social workers through the adoption of our son, I can say they have always been very kind, helpful etc and although this is not the same for all I am hopeful you would find that all they really wanted to do was make things better/stabler/more normal/safer for those girls, and that is I am sure, also your desire. You really must get your husband on board with this, for his sake, your sake, and most of all for the girls sake.

... then you will know you have done all you can.

You need to demand that your DH has a sit-down one to one discussion with his ex over this, goes in with a list of concerns and unacceptable behaviours and lays it on the line about what's happening. It's really tricky because as a stepmother you have to be very careful that you don't come across as competitive and nit-picking, just trying to highlight how much better your children are than hers, but from what you've said I really don't get that feeling. She might, however. Which is why your DH needs to do it, and you need to make him understand that he MUST do it, and do it soon.

But in order to do this you need to have him onside first, which is difficult when he is very defensive about them.

There could be a perfectly normal physical/medical reason for the bed wetting as much as an emotional/psychological reason, so it might be a red herring but just the headlice alone is a problem and I think you are within your rights to say that if they keep turning up with head lice you will send them straight back home. It's not fair on your own children. You wouldn't tolerate it from anyone else's child and you shouldn't have to tolerate it from your stepchildren.

If you and/or your DH treat them while they are there, comb out all the nits and send them back clean as a whistle and tell their mother you've done it, it's then her job to keep on top of it between visits. I know it's an ongoing PITA if they keep getting new infestations at school but that's because people like her are being too lazy to bother dealing with it properly the first time. If she can't even be bothered to do that then she is failing them.

Can your DH ask for an appointment with their school to see if they have noticed anything untoward?

If your DH refuses to take you seriously or support you in dealing with any of this then if it were me I'd start arranging to be out of the house with my own children for the entire duration of their visit so he can deal with it by himself.

Concur with others. Its not normal. Your DH really does need to take action here. He is the father of children who at best are suffering from neglect. How would you feel if you weren't around and he let your own DC slide into this? He nees to get some balls to join with you to deal with it. my 3 DBs are all divorced and even half of what you describe would have had them bashing down the courtroom door for full custody. 4 days a month wont fix this, so be prepared.
Oh, and - these girls are very lucky to have you in their lives.

Bedwetting in older children who have never been dry at night is not necessarily anything to do with sexual abuse. It's uncommon but it often occurs for the same reasons it does in younger children. Obviously, with the whole picture you paint it would be prudent to consider the children's emotional wellbeing, including possible sexual abuse. But just because something is developmentally unusual doesn't mean there is something sinister going on.