AIBU and expecting too much

[Cutecat78]

I know step parents get flamed on here - I love my DSDs but have just had quite a "trying" weekend with them. I have three DC of my own who are in their teens and only one DD so I genuinely want to know if my DSDs are perhaps a bit immature (which I am really struggling with tbh as it means I spend the whole weekend feeling like an evil bitch telling them off and then go back to my FTJ on a Monday feeling totally stressed) and what do I do to maybe help them improve their behaviour a bit when with us

Have my DSDs every other weekend - we have 5 kids here.

DSDs just do not seem to be growing up since I met them 7 yrs ago. They are 11 and 9.

11 yr old wets the bed, walking round supermarket pulling down each other's trousers and knickers (11 yr old has hit puberty - I felt a bit mortified), spitting in each other's faces while unsupervised this afternoon, while trying to bake cakes with them they squabble over number of "stirs" and who cracks which egg, completely incapable of amusing themselves without us entertaining them or watching TV, talking to each other in "goo goo gaga" language and pretending to be babies, every single time they go to the loo not flushing, leaving a trail of bog roll and not washing hands and needing DH to sort out their clothes to wear - these are just a few examples - when they are playing together it just reminds me of the tension I felt when mine were toddlers - they cannot be trusted to be left in a room as they play fight and rip up paper (letters etc) or knock into things and break stuff or will pick up a load of clean laundry and throw it round the room.

Am I just stressed and tired and out of touch or are these behaviours a bit childish for these ages - and what do I do? OH struggles to put in any consequences as he says "they are only here for 4 days a month" yet expects me to be stringent as with my DC - another thread TBH. They often totally ignore me when I nicely ask them to stop a behaviour. My DC do not do this to me they respect me.

I know as a step mum it's trying sometimes but this feels so stressful every other weekend.

Maybe because she doesn't seem to give a toss about her stepchildren Millbram? Her arrogance is stopping her from doing anything that could potentially help because she thinks she knows best. It's wrong and honestly astounding.

We have taken them to my GP for other issues.

I am hoping when we get the new referral letter for the bed wetting clinic there will be an opportunity for a psychological assessment then.

DSD2 gets extra pastoral support at school ATM as has struggled to make friends.

It's just not realistic for us both to give up out jobs, sell the house, move my kids during GCSE's, move 200 miles to somewhere my kids and I have lived all my kids lives

Surely we are better off supporting their mum to support them. She would be livid and devastated if we went for custody. She just needs some extra support.

I can't reply to all the hysteria here - if you understood the processes involved with SC you would understand where I am at.

I do care very much but I am also not about to shelve my entire life without trying other avenues first - like belong their mum parent them better which is like walking on eggshells.

Move away from sorry.

She would be livid and devastated if we went for custody

Opposed to neglectful and wholly inadequate?

"DSD2 gets extra pastoral support at school ATM as has struggled to make friends."

Another red flag that something is deeply affecting these children.

Is is your dh who's said you can't get a contact order, shared residency etc as he's in the forces? If so he's talking out his backside. My father's side of the family and my ex are all forces/ex forces. Especially now they're very supportive in changing things for what works for separated families. There's also additional support like ssafa and the chaplaincy office who are trained in dealing with situations like this. I know of several forces dads with custody and they're very well supported, from housing, finances, career adjustments up to specialist social workers.

It's all about the will to change things go improve these kids lives and thus far no adult in their lives seems willing to do so.

Your DH is as bad as their mother. He is prioritising his current set up over the welfare of his children. He's a real catch, that one!

Oh gosh you poor thing

Set up house rules and a behaviour chart(for all kids). Get them to take some responsibility, make beds, put washing in basket, lay table wash up etc. I have 2 DC and 3 Dsc so know what it's like. Explain your house, your rules me get tough, strict and eventually it'll work. Also get DH inside too.

These kids sound unruly and undisciplined and they need to be challenged and tamed!

Have you even read the thread iyamehooru? These children don't need tamed (despicable way to talk about a child), they need help and perhaps SS intervention. This is obviously far more than just undisciplined children.

... so you're prioritising the feelings of your DH's ex, over the emotional (if not, actually physical) safety of two children?!

Wow.

How would you feel, OP, if they were your biological children instead of merely your stepchildren? Would you be so cavalier towards their welfare then?

Whether your DSDs are regressing because they're attention-seeking (ie, trying to get their dad's attention when you're all together - because, after all, he was their dad before he was your husband! -, or to try to build a mother/child relationship with you, because their own is lacking in fundamental ways and they're crying out for a mother-figure to love/help them), or because there is something terribly, terribly wrong in their lives that they are crying out for an adult to step in and go "it's going to be okay: I, as an adult, will sort it for you the child(ren) so that you're safe!", I don't know. But it's one or the other. And frankly, either way, you - as an adult who ought to care about their safety on all sides - ought to be doing a lot more than you're claiming to on here.

If only all those damned neglected, distressed, frightened, possibly abused kids, would just behave. That's all that's wrong you know they.just.won't.behave!

Then we could ignore what is going on in case it upsets our little apple cart.

as you are the person being left to look after his dcc , and you are the person who has observed the tmi , you have a duty to report. I agree there has been abuse of some sort and these cc need more help than you can give.

btw this is also for your protection, as someone at some point will report as they are not showing such out of the ordinary behaviour only in your home.

It's just not realistic for us both to give up out jobs, sell the house, move my kids during GCSE's, move 200 miles to somewhere my kids and I have lived all my kids lives hmm

eh? Who ever suggested you both give up your jobs and move your entire family 200 miles away? Why are you choosing to look at the most complicated and disruptive solution instead of the most obvious one, which is to move the girls to you? By the sounds of things their mother would not kick up that much of a fuss.

Just a thought, do they get much time with their dad on their own? Are they holding on to helpless role in order to get the attention, if they only get a few days a month with you guys, are they exploring that time for lots of attention?

I wondered that too Sohow

Jesus Christ there are some loons on this thread. I hope you are managing to sort out the helpful posts and ignore the vicious ones OP. It sounds like a horrible situation and as if you are already doing lots for these girls. We can only do our best in any given situation.

Thanks red!

Loons? I beg to differ. I see people realising that there is potentially a lot more going on with these children than the op is willing to admit. The OP's 'I know best' attitude clearly isn't working so far. I also fail to see how she is doing 'lots for these girls'.

I am also not about to shelve my entire life

I moved 200 miles from my family, friends and workplace to support my OH and his relationship with his children. It was hard but we didn't want to miss out on those finite years of childhood. I made new friends, got a new job and am happy. Most of all, the children are happy. Maybe in 15 years I'll head back "home" ... But 15 years isn't my entire life.

I'm not trying to get a medal but attempting to explain that moving isn't that hideous and it could radically change the lives of your DSCs.

They're children, maybe not your children but those of the man you love and they seem to need your support.

However, I don't think that this situation is your responsibility. Your OH needs to step up big time. If he won't, that's a whole other thread.

Zampa the OP has an issue with moving her dcs 200 miles away, at a time when they have GCSE etc..
It is obvious that the OP has to do what his best for her step children but also for her dcs. There are 3 of then after all.
It certainly isn't an easy decision about her, as adult, moving away from family.

I also get the feeling that, the reality is that, if the op's DH was to get custody, it would be the op who would be on the front line, looking after these dcs, not her DH who is away a lot.
Which then brings another question, is the op, as a stepmother, the best person to look after these two dcs? Is it not better for them to be with their mum or their dad?

OP, I think it's great that the GP and the school is involved. However, I would like to know if they do know about the full extend of your step dcs behaviour (ie I assume it's their mum that took them to the GP. Does she see similar behaviour at home, does she think these behaviours aren't what you would expect from a child that age, does she believe they need help - which might mean her getting some help, whatever that would be-). I would also really look into some private support and assessment for them.
By experience with CAMHS and the like, you can wait a very long time to start an assessment. And it's often not fair on the dcs not to get support earlier. It's not fair on them. It's not fair on you as the parent/step parent either.

No one is saying the OP has to move but maybe this isn't the right time, in HIS CHILDREN"S LIVES, for him to be married to her. He may want a second marriage but his love life is just going to have to take a back burner for the time being. He needs to do whatever necessary and focus on the children he voluntarily chose to create before he married the OP. Wringing hands from afar is worse than useless.

Very interesting, Baconyum, and thank you for the insight about support for members of the forces with child custody. It did seem a bit farfetched that being a member of the armed forces means one cannot get child custody. Pretty despicable to hide behind that as an excuse for not moving mountains to salvage these kids.

Nobody said you had to move with your children, but you partner needs to put his first and move to them. I'm sure you wouldn't see that as an option though.

Why does he lunar? Why can't the children come and live with the OP and her DH, even as a temporary thing while the mother is told to sort herself out or lose them permanently?

Ah you mean you expect the OP to see her relationship disintegrating (incl the effect on her own dcs) so that her DH can move closer to his dcs.

I suppose you have taken into the account the fact he is arm forces so probably has limited choices as to where he is living too.

Seriously, I am all for doing all you can for those children.
But I really don't think that saying you should destroy a family, him even loosing his job/finding another one on possibilities isn't right.

These children need first to be assessed. By a professional.

Then when the op's DH knows what is going on (abuse, neglect, SN, poor parenting, a mix of a lot of issues) then he will be able to make a proper decision. Knee reactions aren't helping anyone. Not the op, not her DH and more importantly, not the children involved.