Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and expecting too much

304 replies

Cutecat78 · 13/03/2016 23:44

I know step parents get flamed on here - I love my DSDs but have just had quite a "trying" weekend with them. I have three DC of my own who are in their teens and only one DD so I genuinely want to know if my DSDs are perhaps a bit immature (which I am really struggling with tbh as it means I spend the whole weekend feeling like an evil bitch telling them off and then go back to my FTJ on a Monday feeling totally stressed) and what do I do to maybe help them improve their behaviour a bit when with us

Have my DSDs every other weekend - we have 5 kids here.

DSDs just do not seem to be growing up since I met them 7 yrs ago. They are 11 and 9.

11 yr old wets the bed, walking round supermarket pulling down each other's trousers and knickers (11 yr old has hit puberty - I felt a bit mortified), spitting in each other's faces while unsupervised this afternoon, while trying to bake cakes with them they squabble over number of "stirs" and who cracks which egg, completely incapable of amusing themselves without us entertaining them or watching TV, talking to each other in "goo goo gaga" language and pretending to be babies, every single time they go to the loo not flushing, leaving a trail of bog roll and not washing hands and needing DH to sort out their clothes to wear - these are just a few examples - when they are playing together it just reminds me of the tension I felt when mine were toddlers - they cannot be trusted to be left in a room as they play fight and rip up paper (letters etc) or knock into things and break stuff or will pick up a load of clean laundry and throw it round the room.

Am I just stressed and tired and out of touch or are these behaviours a bit childish for these ages - and what do I do? OH struggles to put in any consequences as he says "they are only here for 4 days a month" yet expects me to be stringent as with my DC - another thread TBH. They often totally ignore me when I nicely ask them to stop a behaviour. My DC do not do this to me they respect me.

I know as a step mum it's trying sometimes but this feels so stressful every other weekend.

OP posts:
PaulAnkaTheDog · 14/03/2016 09:54

Oh good, ignore the signs that they are being neglected. Well done.

Unbelievable.

nocabbageinmyeye · 14/03/2016 09:55

Well if they have your attitude they'll do fuck all.

You didn't start a thread for help, you started it so people would tell you the girls behaviour wasn't right for their age, you didn't think it would take a turn where people actually cared and thought it was serious, your not going to help these kids at all, which is even worse now because you can't blame ignorance because loads of people are imploring you to get them outside help. Your worse than your dh, he just doesn't give a shit, you know it's bad and still don't give a shit. Having your own kids to think of is no excuse, you wouldn't let a dog be treated like those kids

lotbyname · 14/03/2016 09:58

None of that sounds normal for either age group. Also - whats with the constant nits?? For the Ex not to be dealing with it has to be neglect.

Is there no outside agency you can contact? Could you contact thier school? WOuld the school report it to thoer mother?

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 14/03/2016 10:01

OH mentioned it to school at parents eve.

OP posts:
upthegardenpath · 14/03/2016 10:01

Bloody hell OP - poor you!
That sort of behaviour, inside or outside the house, is not the norm, no, definitely not!
It sounds very attention-sleeking to me and very very wrong.
At ANY age.
I don't know of a single child, even a toddler, who are known for being trying at times, who would behave like this.
Please get help OP. It's no reflection on you as a SM.

MartinaJ · 14/03/2016 10:02

Cutecat, you started a thread describing a pretty extreme behaviour. You were told this is not normal and something should be done about it.
You subsequently spent the rest of the thread marginalizing the initial statement like it's really nothing, probably because you feel like you are now expected to do something about it.
So it's your choice now.

MartinaJ · 14/03/2016 10:04

ETA - the way you describe your partner's behaviour makes it seem like he doesn't really care about his children. TBH, I'd run away from a man like this.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 14/03/2016 10:06

Oh look, another one where people are concerned about children but cannot be bothered to do anything about it. Yet think they're good guys. Hilarious.

Op, you and their dad are just as useless as the mother if neither of you can be bloody bothered to look out for these kids. They are his responsibility,he should get off his arse.

Kids being left alone, frequently, while their mum is off down the boozer and your only assistance to that is to show the kids an NSPCC leaflet? How about telling them to phone you? Then you can phone social services each time it happens. Can't you?

There are clearly issues here for the kids. Get off your backside and stop enabling it!

PovertyPain · 14/03/2016 10:08

You don't want to help these children, OP, you just want them to be 'good girls' while they're with you. You seriously don't give a fuck about them.

LoveBoursin · 14/03/2016 10:08

Would it be possible for your DH to have his two dcs seen by a psychologist (and maybe get some sort of assessment re their behaviour)?
Champs should be involved IMO but that means their mum should be on board with that and I'm not sure she will from what you say.

But he CAN take his dds to see a child psychologist privately when they are with you at the weekend (maybe Friday evening if you have them?).

Also what is the school saying about it? Can you have them involved? Again you can have a child psychologist come over at school to do some work with the child.

None of the behaviour is ok. Some of it is probably down to parenting. Some of it might be very physical (my DC was still wetting the bed at 10yo, and there was absolutely nothing wrong with him). But a lot of it seems to point out to either deep psychological distress or some SN of some type.
They both need support from you/your DH, from school and from agencies such as CAMHS.

And if there is some issues with abuse, then they will pick that up.

Icompletelyunderstand · 14/03/2016 10:08

I understand why Cute doesn't feel it's her responsibility.

What I don't understand it that she doesn't really seem to think it's her DH's responsibility either.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 14/03/2016 10:10

The more I think about this the more appalled and upset I get. Your children are looked out for by you, who the fuck is looking out for your stepdaughters?! Not a damn thing to help them, just minimising a potentially serious situation so it doesn't inconvenience you.

contrary13 · 14/03/2016 10:10

I'm not saying that this is the case at all, OP, but you said you're fairly confident there's been no (sexual) abuse...

My mother said the exact same about me when I wasn't much older than your DSDs, when our family GP raised the fact that I was displaying "classic signs of abuse". She was wrong. I was sexually abused when I was 7, by a paternal uncle, and then raped at 10 by a complete stranger. At that point in time, she didn't know anything about either having happened - and when I did tell her... she didn't believe me, despite the GP having said "well..." a year or so earlier. Ask her today, she'll still tell you that she's confident it never happened (and I'm in my 40s!). Sexual abuse of young children tends to be something that only comes out years later, because of the grooming, or the threats, or the fact that they know/suspect they won't be believed by anyone. Even when I told my mother, I knew she wouldn't believe me. It came out in a row. Deep down, though, she knows the truth. She just can't admit it.

As PPs have said, your DSDs may need external help. But as their step-mum, it's not your place to initiate this. It has to come from your DH. And... something is causing them to regress, and that something needs to be dealt with before the situation gets worse.

Good luck.

BlueEyesAndDarkChocolate · 14/03/2016 10:13

Gosh, they sound awful.

YANBU.

Chippednailvarnish · 14/03/2016 10:17

I will continue to tactfully support in the background = do nothing.

KoalaDownUnder · 14/03/2016 10:22

Yeah, you can't really just 'tactfully support in the background' when it's your husband's children you're talking about.

This is not right.

PovertyPain · 14/03/2016 10:23

And people don't understand how children get abused by gangs, relatives and those in the public eye? Oh no, that would never happen now! That was what it was like back then! Bla bla bla.

It happened then, because people didn't want to get involved, as it might cause hassle in their comfortable lives. It still happens now, for the same reasons. Children really are easy to sacrifice, aren't they?

PaulAnkaTheDog · 14/03/2016 10:26

'Here kids, have a leaflet from the nspcc while your mum sits in the pub. Don't bother me or your dad.'

girlywhirly · 14/03/2016 10:32

I agree with everyone that the DSD's behaviour is unacceptable and inappropriate.

As DH has as much parental responsibility for his DC as their mother, he can make an appointment with their school to discuss their behaviour and any concerns that you and he have, and those that the school have. It wouldn't be surprising to find out that their attainment is below what it should be, that behaviour in class is disruptive, that concentration levels are low, that friendships are patchy. Does he go to parents evenings? If he can't get to them because of work, he can give you permission to go on his behalf.

Another thing that occurs to me is that the DSD's mum is depressed, or a drinker or drug user. She seems to have a skewed idea of what is adequate care of her DD's, and little inclination to discipline them.

Also, what is their relationship like with your older DC, would they mentor the younger ones and keep on reinforcing the rules at your home?

icanteven · 14/03/2016 10:40

OP, so let's just say they ARE being abused in some way. Let's say it came out, incontrovertibly, that they could not stay with their mother for their own safety.

Then what?

They would have to come and live with you, right? So what would your husband do then?

LeaLeander · 14/03/2016 10:56

So your husband is prioritizing his career and his marriage to you over the children's well-being, according to the excuses you have offered. What a great guy. Hmm

Maybe he needs to resign or get a leave of absence, put the marriage on the back burner if you are unwilling to relocate and move near them.

pilates · 14/03/2016 10:58

Op, your OH needs to step up and stop burying his head in the sand because this situation will not go away on its own. No, your DSDs are not presenting normal behaviour for their age. In fact very worrying behaviour.

girlywhirly · 14/03/2016 11:01

Exactly contrary. I'm wondering who might have access to the DSD's home while they are alone because their mum is in the pub.

Millbram · 14/03/2016 11:15

Why is everyone jumping all over the OP? The woman has asked for advice not criticism of her marriage, her DH and her family set up. Yes the kids are obviously in dire need of some assistance- maybe the first step would be to take them to a gp local to you and your dh whilst theyre with you- if gp feels there is a need to involve ss or school then they will refer via the correct channels. The kids dont need to be registered with your gp, you can go into any surgery and request immediate assistance and they'll be seen.

PovertyPain · 14/03/2016 11:23

Why is everyone jumping all over the OP?

Because, she seems to keep comimg up with excuses as to why she can't help and they all boil down to her/his career, prioritising her own kids and lifestyle.