AIBU and expecting too much

[Cutecat78]

I know step parents get flamed on here - I love my DSDs but have just had quite a "trying" weekend with them. I have three DC of my own who are in their teens and only one DD so I genuinely want to know if my DSDs are perhaps a bit immature (which I am really struggling with tbh as it means I spend the whole weekend feeling like an evil bitch telling them off and then go back to my FTJ on a Monday feeling totally stressed) and what do I do to maybe help them improve their behaviour a bit when with us

Have my DSDs every other weekend - we have 5 kids here.

DSDs just do not seem to be growing up since I met them 7 yrs ago. They are 11 and 9.

11 yr old wets the bed, walking round supermarket pulling down each other's trousers and knickers (11 yr old has hit puberty - I felt a bit mortified), spitting in each other's faces while unsupervised this afternoon, while trying to bake cakes with them they squabble over number of "stirs" and who cracks which egg, completely incapable of amusing themselves without us entertaining them or watching TV, talking to each other in "goo goo gaga" language and pretending to be babies, every single time they go to the loo not flushing, leaving a trail of bog roll and not washing hands and needing DH to sort out their clothes to wear - these are just a few examples - when they are playing together it just reminds me of the tension I felt when mine were toddlers - they cannot be trusted to be left in a room as they play fight and rip up paper (letters etc) or knock into things and break stuff or will pick up a load of clean laundry and throw it round the room.

Am I just stressed and tired and out of touch or are these behaviours a bit childish for these ages - and what do I do? OH struggles to put in any consequences as he says "they are only here for 4 days a month" yet expects me to be stringent as with my DC - another thread TBH. They often totally ignore me when I nicely ask them to stop a behaviour. My DC do not do this to me they respect me.

I know as a step mum it's trying sometimes but this feels so stressful every other weekend.

I agree Love

Of course he should prioritize innocent kids over the relationships of two adult who can get by without whether or not that is their ideal scenario.
Or what, "tough luck, kiddies, but I've moved on" ??

Sadly it's not unusual for people in the armed forces to use that as an excuse to not support their children. Happens far too often.

They can request postings to be closer to family for compassionate reasons (its not always possible but these days the forces usually try to help actually) organise leaves of absence, get support from various agencies and offices within their branch, there's sometimes better access to experts and services than civilians have depending what the issues are.

We have the children EOW and half of all the school holidays. That is what ex allows us to have them for. OH did 1200 mile round trips EOW for four years when not away. When he was away I had them several times to give ex a break driving 300 mile round trips to have them.

There are only three places in the UK he can be posted. I own a house here and have bought my children up here and my career (built over 10 yrs) is here as is my children's father and my life.

OH will always move for his job I will not.

I mentioned the pastoral support because I know ELSA's are trained to spot any issues going on at home - there are no issues at school other than OH raising the nits issue with them. We de nit them every single time we have them.

OH has been taking tine off work to take her to the GP re the bed wetting issue and to fill her prescriptions - which was not being done.

I always make sure I make myself scarce or they go out with their dad without me every single time we have them. They also know they can talk to me about anything that is worrying them - and they do.

OH has them during the week after school as he is close to them in the week.

When they got divorced his solicitor told him he would have no hope of getting a contact order and we have managed to keep relations amicable so as not to need one as this is what we feel is best for the children.

He does address ex with issues but he gets thrown back in his face his mistakes within the marriage and that he is a shit father. They have grandparents living very locally which are a protective factor.

"When they got divorced his solicitor told him he would have no hope of getting a contact order " not all solicitors are good at their job this is nonsense! I've never heard of a solicitor saying this but I have come across some crap ones.

"we have managed to keep relations amicable so as not to need one as this is what we feel is best for the children" except if the children are being neglected/abused that's not what is best for them.

Hang on either you believe dh can't get a contact order or you thought it was best not to get one which is it?

There is neglect yes but when I discussed it with several practice managers at work they agreed that it does not hit the social care threshold which is why we are hoping we can avoid that and get support through the hospital referral route.

It's both - we were told we couldn't have one and have never needed one as there have been threats to withdraw contact with have never been gone through with.

This us getting ridiculous. You'll be glad to read that I'm out.

YANBU, OP. You sound quite switched on about the situation.

No proper advice to give but just wanted to say that of course you have to think about your children and work too.

What does your DH think about what is happening with his DC? Does he think they are being neglected?

To your original post, I think I need to try a different style to being 'nice'. When you ask them to do something, they should do it. You are the adult, not their friend. It sounds like they need boundaries, with a lot of love.

I think the Stepparents topic may be better for this problem, actually.

You are a saint! I couldn't put up with it, sorry.

I didn't really want to put that much detail (as I just did) as I do not want to be identifiable in RL.

Yes he does think it's (low level) neglect which is very difficult to prove re safe guarding anyway and he is torn as he doesn't believe me when I say (if it was) their threshold they will support ex and kids not "take them away" - he struggles as do I with reporting his children's mum and I feel it could be a load of upheaval and hassle and ruin an amicable relationship where we have a lot of insight into what is going on -with no results (as happens a lot). I do not for one minute think any of these behaviours is a result of sexual abuse - they may be in other kids but not here.

Which is why we are trying to help her out as best we can. I try to be firm but fair but am probably less strict than with my own kids as I am aware that they aren't my kids.

It's hard.

It's far harder for those poor kids, OP. I can understand how you'd see this as your DH's responsibility and not yours, but if he isn't stepping up, why haven't you lost all respect for him? From what you've written here, he is basically putting his career above the needs of his two children, you know, the two humans he helped create and bring into this world. That just isn't on. Their DM clearly isn't coping and as an adult, he has the power to change things. He could fight for custody, he could change jobs if he wanted to and improve their lives no end. Why doesn't he want to do that? And why are you with someone who has such little regard for his own children?

It does sound hard, and you're in a really tricky situation. School, pastoral/ family support worker sounds like the way to go. Mum leaving them alone and the behaviour they are displaying may not meet safeguarding threshold but do you think you / OH could speak confidentially to their school? A good school would understand why you can't rock the boat, and assessment could be initiated by them. Then, when professionals come to you to inform the assessment you can be honest about what you see. Everyone can be open with their mum about wanting to support get rather than blame her but of course make it clear the children's needs must come first.

I'm sorry but that's just a load of bollocks- she's struggling she's not incapable- if he left his job(which he has to give A YEARS notice for anyway) she would be more screwed and she would never voluntary give us custody even if we did want it.

She needs support in being a better parent.

Well which is it, OP? Either it's a situation to be concerned about, as it certainly appeared to be upthread, with a number of red flags having been highlighted, or it's something and nothing, in which case, why post? Abuse doesn't happen in a vacuum and by condoning what's going on, you're helping to ensure that those poor children have a miserable childhood. Yes, you might not have caused the situation yourself, but you can help improve it as an adult with the power that that affords you.

I'm starting to hope that this thread is a hoax as it's sickening to think that someone can describe the behaviours you did in children as old as you claim them to be and then say it's just a case of their mother needing a bit of a hand.

I'm starting to hope that this thread is a hoax as it's sickening to think that someone can describe the behaviours you did in children as old as you claim them to be and then say it's just a case of their mother needing a bit of a hand

This.

What did you want from starting this thread? I don't mean this in a narky way, I am genuinely asking. I've seen your threads in AIBU and you don't seem to be willing to consider views that are different to yours.

If you read my OP I asked if I am right in finding the behaviours in the girls immature or am I being an evil bitch step mother.

I did not ask should I give I my job and move should my op give up his job and start a custody battle or do any arm chair social workers think my DSDs are being sexually abused

Why are you citing the most extreme views? You've clearly been here long enough to know how these things go. You've been given some measured advice but you'be argued everything from it's not a big deal to its low level neglect.

As your kids respect you, you must have done something right! So please treat the DSDs as your own and be as firm with them as your DC but also try to give them the same love that you gave your own DC. Kids know when they're wanted and I hope they will respond to you.

P.s. Very simplistic, but watch Supernanny. She had some good techniques!

I have a lot of sympathy for you OP but I do take issue with your assertion that it couldn't be CSA.
My mum is a social worker, and believes she could spot signs of abuse a mile off (and I think she can when it's not her own kids) She still dismissed my signs of abuse, because "she would know"
She didn't see the signs that I was being groomed and abused by men when I was 10/11, but would have been very confident that I wasn't if asked. (and for the record, she would be devestated if she knew, it wasn't on purpose, she just genuinely believed that she would know, and couldn't accept the flags that would have been up for other children)

If your DSCs are showing classic signs of abuse, please do not minimise it, or assume that you know them better than that. Just because it is your job, it doesn't mean you can see it in your own family.

Your husband has to give a year's notice, eh? There are only three places he can be posted, eh? What a special guy. I'm sure other posters will know whether or not those claims are farfetched for a member of the UK military forces, or whether or not compassionate leave and other accommodations exist. Has he even talked with his superiors about time off or a transfer to deal with this situation?

Sounds like one excuse after another. He created two human beings and if it destroys his career or his current marriage, too bad - he owes it to them to move near them and protect them and get them the medical / emotional professional help they clearly desperately need.

I couldn't look at a man who would do any less, let alone make excuses for him. Those poor kids. They have decades of a fucked-up existence to look forward to thanks to him wanting to move on with his life and move away from them.

Cutecat78 I am curious about a few things, which you may not know the answers too and may not wish to say, which is fine.

How long has your step children mum (StepCM) been leaving then at home and going out drinking for? Years or is it recent? My dd is 11 and ds (who joined us by adoption) is 5. I can't imagine leaving them while I went out drinking. And I can't imagine potentially what kind of an alcoholic state the mum would be in when she got back from the pub. These would all be issues for me. I'm not against drinking, and a few drinks with telly or dinner is lovely but might a night in the pub may lead to her being drunk, in sole charge of the kids?

Is there a man in her life now and does he live with her. Have you talked to the girls about him, just generally, and seen their reaction. Don't say if you do not want to.

I don't think you would need to move 100s of miles if you managed to get custody, you may need to adjust your work pattern in the short term and seek some financial help with a child minder after school. You might even be eligible for respite care for the girls if you had custody (might you?).

I'm sorry to say this but if you really think their mum is neglecting them would they be better off in foster care. Are you sure they would not be eligible for this. Might some sort of short term foster care give the StepCM the wake up call she needs? I would imagine she and you would not lose touch with them if they went into temporary care as I would imagine they would not be eligible for adoption at their ages.

Can I ask, feel free to say no.... have you been to their house, what is it like? Is it dirty or clean (I mean really dirty, not just a bit of dust or clutter - because mine is petty cluttered and dusty at times!).

At the moment it sounds like the StepCM holds all the cards, she can say whether you see the kids etc, if the kids were in foster care might all that change?

I know you do not want to rock the boat but you can report this situation anonymously. If it were me, and I were planning to do it, I would not tell a soul, not my dh, not my colleagues, I would just do it, anonymously, given the kind of information that any casual neighbour or friend might know. I would not leave my name with NSPCC or social services, then when the shit hits the fan, as it may well do I would deny it. That sounds super sneaky and cowardly, and a big secret to carry, I know, and I am normally the least sneaky person in the world! But actually for those girls, I would do it.