AIBU and expecting too much

[Cutecat78]

I know step parents get flamed on here - I love my DSDs but have just had quite a "trying" weekend with them. I have three DC of my own who are in their teens and only one DD so I genuinely want to know if my DSDs are perhaps a bit immature (which I am really struggling with tbh as it means I spend the whole weekend feeling like an evil bitch telling them off and then go back to my FTJ on a Monday feeling totally stressed) and what do I do to maybe help them improve their behaviour a bit when with us

Have my DSDs every other weekend - we have 5 kids here.

DSDs just do not seem to be growing up since I met them 7 yrs ago. They are 11 and 9.

11 yr old wets the bed, walking round supermarket pulling down each other's trousers and knickers (11 yr old has hit puberty - I felt a bit mortified), spitting in each other's faces while unsupervised this afternoon, while trying to bake cakes with them they squabble over number of "stirs" and who cracks which egg, completely incapable of amusing themselves without us entertaining them or watching TV, talking to each other in "goo goo gaga" language and pretending to be babies, every single time they go to the loo not flushing, leaving a trail of bog roll and not washing hands and needing DH to sort out their clothes to wear - these are just a few examples - when they are playing together it just reminds me of the tension I felt when mine were toddlers - they cannot be trusted to be left in a room as they play fight and rip up paper (letters etc) or knock into things and break stuff or will pick up a load of clean laundry and throw it round the room.

Am I just stressed and tired and out of touch or are these behaviours a bit childish for these ages - and what do I do? OH struggles to put in any consequences as he says "they are only here for 4 days a month" yet expects me to be stringent as with my DC - another thread TBH. They often totally ignore me when I nicely ask them to stop a behaviour. My DC do not do this to me they respect me.

I know as a step mum it's trying sometimes but this feels so stressful every other weekend.

My 10 and 8yo are perfectly capable of getting into a heated argument about number of stirs and egg-cracking while baking. Normal sibling rivalry esp with a close age gap. A degree of carelessness with the loo, personal hygiene etc is normal-ish too; ours don't do that but that's because we are very on top of them about handwashing etc (8yo will even use the loo brush). Lack of ability to entertain themselves at this age a bit less normal, ripping up parents' letters not on (one would expect a boundary about that sort of stuff to be in place at that age), bedwetting needs medical attention in a girl that age, spitting and trouser- and knicker-pulling unacceptable and worrying. They sound at the very least unhappy and out of balance.

Not sure I would be going straight to SS as a first resort, but you need to talk to dh and he needs to talk to ex.

Be very consistent and very kind to them.

I have children this age. Yes, squabbling is normal. What you've described, however, is beyond that and very, very problematic behaviour. They need help.

They sound emotionally distressed, and I bet they aren't well behaved at school, contrary to what a previous poster has said. We can usually tell who is really struggling at home based on their school behaviour(I work in a primary school).

Does your DH talk to the school? Or is letting their mom be the primary contact. There is usually help available via school referrals. I know our school provides support to families in similar situations, and yes, including social services. They can provide support and make sure the girls are getting what they need. These girls spend 90 percent of their time with a mother who doesn't seem to be holding it together for them from the sounds of it ... and it sounds like they may need some professional support. And, frankly, maybe a custody re-arrangement is in order.

Surely the bedwetting should have been formally addressed by now. GPs can set up appointments for various things at their ages, based on what people who have struggled with the same thing have told me. Why hasn't their mother done this?

Do u not find it disturbing that these little girls are left alone? I know your dh works away but perhaps he needs to seriously think about a work change to.support his dd

I work in this field. Children's social care wouldn't accept this as a referral. It sounds as if it's all down to ineffective parenting. Bed wetting at 11 is either a medical issue or parents not successfully implementing a continence management plan. I think this behaviour needs assessing by a professional & maybe referring on to a specialist service. It would be interesting to know how they behave at school & with their mother. You are right OP, poor hygiene & bedwetting will make this girl a target for bullying at senior school.

pippin me too - which is why I haven't bother involving SC.

I do think Family Support might help but their mum is unlikely to engage in a voluntary intervention.

At the very least they are unhappy. As this thread has shown there are a number of ways to interpret their behaviour. Please report to SS. They may not act on this alone, but if someone else has reported concerns, then the info will help to build a full picture, leading to more appropriate action.

Have a look at the nspcc pants campaign. That might help start the ball rolling on what is appropriate behaviour and respecting bodily autonomy.

Bothered sorry.

There are lots of reasons we would not get custody and are not able to and I do not think that would be the best thing for them.

It's very lazy parenting IMO and OH has addressed them being left alone but he's been batted off with "I'm only in the pub 5 mins away and they have the neighbours number" I printed off and went through with them the NSPCC flyer about what to do in an emergency when home alone.

Being a step parent and doing it remotely really really ties your hands ESP while trying not to over step the mark.

It's a nightmare

I feel so sorry for these kids, even if there is no sexual abuse there is neglect, you have admitted it yourself there is neglect. The mother goes out and leaves them alone to drink with one of her many boyfriends, they constantly have nits, behave inappropriately, wet the bed, their father doesn't give a shiney shit (you can say he does but his lack of action to do anything says otherwise). You know this behaviour is going to massively impact them in secondary school and a bad situation will get worse. Even for your own kids sake, is it fair they live in a house where people play with themselves and wipe it where they sit?

So you work in this area and your going to do nothing?? No outside help?? This would be a relationship deal breaker for me, I honestly couldn't stay with a man who was opening failing his children so miserably

Erm - their dad does a lot, and cares a lot.

We are restricted in what we can do due to the circumstances.

Well if you know they are being left alone repeatedly while she goes to the pub then I would be having a chat to social services. I know they are not tiny and capable of being left alone for short amounts of time without coming to any harm but this isn't nipping out to the supermarket, it's spending hours at a time in the pub. Not acceptable at all.

'Restricted due to circumstances' in what way Cute? If I were your DH I'd be looking at getting residency or at least 50:50. If that means your 'circumstances' (presumably meaning your current living arrangements) need to change to facilitate that then so be it. Your children are older, his are young. They need someone their father to intervene more than EOW.

None of those behaviours is normal or age-appropriate, not one. Sounds like the dc are regressing to babyhood when they felt safe and looked after. I think you need outside help with this. How are they at school? And your dh needs to step up and deal with it - they're HIS DC.

Stop making excuses for your DH. You're both enabling the mother by doing nothing.

Well in your op you made it sound like he expected you to be strict and discipline your own kids while he couldn't be arsed because "its only four days a month" and the fact he lets the kids live in a home where, by your own admission, they are neglected, it's exactly painting an image of a Dad that cares

Isn't

These poor children are being let down by all the adults in their lives.

It's not normal. (2 teens and a 9 year old here)
If your h won't step up, you have no chance of improving things. These children are being neglected by both of their parents and I bet school are worried about them too. Do they have any friends at school? (I'm guessing not if that's how they behave)
Squabbling is normal but everything else is certainly not. I bet if you contacted SS, they'd also be worried.

Our house is 200 miles away I have my own career built after and during I brought my own children up and OH is in the forces we can not even get a contact order because he cannot honour it.

I have 3 teens living with me who all have their own teenage issues and actually as their mum they are MY priority. We cannot physically fit another 2 children into our home.

We make time and space for them when they are here and have to take a softly softly approach with ex because if he oversteps the mark she tells him he can't see them.

If we called social care about her leaving them (which isn't illegal) they would visit, assess her (at most) and tell her not to which we have already said to her.

This is not normal. I'd be talking to social services, if I were you. Even with no abuse and only neglect, this is a horrendous situation for the kids to be in and it can't continue.

These children, your stepchildren are showing signs of neglect and their mum is known to leave them home alone while she is in the pub, yet you won't try for custody and don't think it's the best thing for them?!

Unbelievable.

What does everyone think social services are going to do?

Cutecat78, I'd naively believe they'd do a home visit in the mother's house and assess the situation and involve a psychologist to assess children.

It does not hit their threshold.

What? A seven year old being left at home when mum goes to the pub, General signs of neglect and potential signs of sexual abuse? Stop thinking you know everything and do something! Because whatever you are doing right now clearly isn't working.

How the hell do people think we would be in a position to "go for custody?" When OH is in the forces - I am supposed to give up my job?

Think this has all got a bit extreme.

Thanks for answering my questions.

I will continue to tactfully support in the background.

If what their mum is doing is accurate then it's time for your dh to step up. He needs to find a way to parent them, move closer, change job whatever it takes.

These two children are far to low down every bodies priorities. I don't think there is anything you can do as a step parent of their parents won't step up. Time for your husband to put being a dad at the top of his priorities as their mum doesn't sound like she will.