AIBU to actually believe my mum, over my daughter?

[AdamsAppleAA]

Hi all, this just keeps playing around in my head and I'm not sure who I believe now.

I'm not too familiar with the site, so not sure how many responses I'd get, but I'll answer you all after my shower.

My daughter is 12. She has a long past of mental health disorders. She is on medication and has recently been released from an eating disorder clinic. She's doing well though.

My mother is an older woman and has a few heart conditions and is in and out of hospital. Last night, my daughter told me that she makes her feel uncomfortable and goes on to describe inappropriate touching. I was horrified.

I began to talk to her and she described things, etc. However, she said one of the main things was on a certain date when my mother was in hospital, so it was either a mix up, or a lie? I have been trying to juggle my time between the pair of them and there was an appointment I had to go to with my mum, but I also had a time to go and visit dd. I rearranged. I'm wondering if it stems from this?

Who would you believe? WWYD?

I became quite scared by the anti grandma posts and the demands that the grandma is kept away from the child The first thing I was told (by police & social workers) was, if at all possible, the child who has disclosed should be kept away from person they have accused!

There was 1 post saying about the grandma needs protected from the child and this accusation. Because most people here are keeping child focused, which is exactly what you should do in cases like this.

I am rethinking my future actions and plans about the child I was observing. If you have concerns, report them. You would be so wrong not to.

A child could now be having to wait for help because of the way this grandma has been spoken about on here.Do you know if reporters are offered any protection? Don't you dare pile that bullshit on us. IF YOU have concerns, YOU need to report it. If YOU don't report it, that is on your conscience, not ours. It is not on to threaten us with that!

Do you know if reporters are offered any protection? Yes. You can report anonymously. If I report, and am wrong, I cannot be sued etc for wrongfully reporting (unless it is a malicious report & the authorities can prove it to be)

I think my first responsibility is to my own first relatives. Don't you think?
If it is them being abused, yes.
If it them doing the abusing, no. In that case, your first responsibility is towards those who you suspect are being abused.

If you know a child is being harmed and you do not report it you are complicit in the harming of that child Yes to this...

but I did not think there would be such putting forward of the child above the other two females in the thread. What did you expect? Really? The child is vulnerable already, she has disclosed abuse. No one knows the truth, which is why it needs to be reported & dealt with the right way.

Not one person has vilified the GM, most have posted in support of the daughter, which is NOT the same as vilifying the GM.

It was said that the child needs to be kept away from the grandma who it is claimed by the child is the abuser. I think One person said that the grandma should be kept away from the child for her safety

I guess keeping the child away from the accused would protect them both, anyway. The reason we are saying the child should be kept away is because further incidents may happen, it gives the chance for the accused (if the disclosure is true) to further intimidate the accuser.

On the flip side, it also protects the accused (if innocent) as no further accusation can be added.

BUT once again. The policy is CHILD FOCUSED. You protect the child first & foremost. Until an investigation can be done.

I have said before that I am a "middle" person. I have old and young people around me. I have to try to cope with the problems of all the age groups but in doing so I am not living MY life just coping with all sorts and working.
I feel heart sorry for the mum it is her daughter and her mother both of them have various needs of assistance from the "middle" woman, no-one not even the poster herself knows the truth. It would not be fair to come out in favour of one or the other, the accuser or the accused. There could be irreparable damage.
It has not been said one way or the other but I do wonder if the grandma has other children living close by who are willing to take over hospital visits and other help for the grandma. Nor has a husband or father of the girl been mentioned. I don't know what the situation is but if this OP is a single parent and only/available child on top of all this it just means the OP's position is all the worse.
I have every sympathy with the OP, but I still think innocent until proved guilty.
In my life there are major questions about who is abused and who is the abuser. I am concerned where the child got the information from. This is not age appropriate knowledge for a child of that age. Equally no female of any age should be coerced or attempted to be coerced into anything that is inappropriate by any male of any age.

There is much more involved but that is the main point as contained in this thread. I tried to talk IRL but have been told to shut up or else.

I have every sympathy with the OP, but I still think innocent until proved guilty.

You are confusing reporting allegations of abuse to the police who will then investigate and taking sensible steps to not make the child spend time with someone they have said has touched them inappropriately with finding the grandmother guilty.

If this were in school and a pupil said their teacher had touched then inappropriate you would never take the innocent until proven guilty assumption to mean the child should have to stay in his classes.

If you haven't reported what you know about the child you've talked about in your posts to the police, or at the very least spoken to the Nspcc for advice, you should do that today. You might have the power to stop then being hurt right now.

Thebouquets - you appear to be trying to excuse your failure to report concerns about a child you know and blaming posters on this thread for your inaction. It's pretty unpleasant and manipulative.

No one is vilifying or judging anyone. They are simply saying that concerns should be reported. People who know/suspect a child is being harmed but choose not to report it are part of the problem, and no amount of bleating about 'having every sympathy' or 'being against child abuse' can change that.

If you have reason to be worried about a child, report it to someone who can then follow an appropriate process. Don't blame anyone else for your own lack of action.

Purple - I have now told someone on here what is happening. I hope she wont make public what I have said but I hope she will understand where I am coming from. I have spoken to NSPCC and WA. I traced a Social Worker who know they family and they were most annoyed that I had traced them. Not interested in child, family just how I got their name and telephone num
ber.

I don't feel 100% about the school. I have had changeable feelings from them. I don't think they are doing right. I heard something which made me worry about a teacher. I don't feel up to taking on a full school.
I don't feel up to taking on a whole load of people who are (I just don't know what to say to describe them). I am a victim of them too.
I don't want this child in any of this. I wish I could do more. I am a bit afraid of the child for reasons I cant go into but I am sure that if I am being seen as backing the grandma you can draw conclusions. The child is much younger than the child in this thread. This is the last thing I ever expected in my life. I take some comfort from someone who said that maybe the grandma is not the person but a safe person to open with to see how the land lies. I wish I was very young mumish and healthy then I know what I would do. Being old through ill health more than years I don't feel I can take this on and have not had much to feel that I can trust local agencies to deal with this. Social worker mentioned above.
Any suggestions will be read and considered

woman I have tried reporting and speaking to people. The Social worker was so concerned that I got her name and phone no. and this is who is going to sort this all out?
I reported the conduct of the parents long ago. To make a report takes a bit of courage. I am lacking in courage but also in faith that something will be done. I am taking in what is being said by NSPCC and WA. I am also reading on here. I would love it if I could say one sentence and the whole thing would be sorted by someone but it is just not going to be like that.n I am not blaming anyone on here, I am saying that the grandma is not getting much mention sympathetically.

What do you think OP? Do you have reason to question GM?

A long history..she's 12? My goodness. What a sad case.

Sounds like a cry for help. By no means am I saying it's a lie, but this is definitely a troubled child for whatever reason.

You keep them apart to protect the GM as much as the child (if this is a lie)

I'd be inclined to say, it might not be GM who has done it, but she is testing the water so to speak to see a reaction. She needs her mum clearly.

God. What a mess. Sorry.
.

reports can be made anonymously .

Certain information would indicate who it was who made the report

Please believe your DD.
I was in your DDs position as a teenager although it was about an uncle. I was telling the truth but wasn't believed because of mental health issues. My relationship with my mum is still tense because she didn't believe me. It all came out a few years after I told her but still can't forgive her.
If it's not true I would personally wonder where your DD would know about this.
Can you speak to a mental health line or GP?
Good luck xx

It would not be fair to come out in favour of one or the other, the accuser or the accused You are repeatedly missing the point, and to be honest, I am not sure if it is deliberate or not now!

YOU HAVE TO COME OUT IN FAVOUR OF THE CHILD WHEN ABUSE IF DISCLOSED AND REPORT IT!

Certain information would indicate who it was who made the report You have to report...I get that this is difficult for you, but imagine a child being abused, who is defenceless & scared. You said you are worried, imagine how that child feels right now! Will you be able to live with yourself when the consequences of the abuse kick in for the child..I said about my relative abusing his daughter, she turned to drugs in order to escape her memories of abuse. Others turn to far worse, and some go on to abuse too.

You have the opportunity to stop one cycle. It may only be one, but to the child, it is everything!

Lots of children eventually disclose abuse after being diagnosed with mental health issues when they start feeling safe.

The mental health issues are often a result of the turmoil of the abuse.

Just my experience but something to bare in mind.