Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to actually believe my mum, over my daughter?

188 replies

AdamsAppleAA · 13/03/2016 20:30

Hi all, this just keeps playing around in my head and I'm not sure who I believe now.

I'm not too familiar with the site, so not sure how many responses I'd get, but I'll answer you all after my shower.

My daughter is 12. She has a long past of mental health disorders. She is on medication and has recently been released from an eating disorder clinic. She's doing well though.

My mother is an older woman and has a few heart conditions and is in and out of hospital. Last night, my daughter told me that she makes her feel uncomfortable and goes on to describe inappropriate touching. I was horrified.

I began to talk to her and she described things, etc. However, she said one of the main things was on a certain date when my mother was in hospital, so it was either a mix up, or a lie? I have been trying to juggle my time between the pair of them and there was an appointment I had to go to with my mum, but I also had a time to go and visit dd. I rearranged. I'm wondering if it stems from this?

Who would you believe? WWYD?

OP posts:
Maisy313 · 13/03/2016 22:59

Can't imagine what a nightmare this feels like, it sounds like you have two vulnerable people dependent on you and a terrible accusation. I've got no idea how to advise you but it sounds like some readers on here know their stuff, I just wanted to say I feel sad for all of you and hope it gets worked out in the least painful way possible.

TheBouquets · 13/03/2016 23:08

Imnotbeinghorriblebut - you have just about tried convicted and hung the grandmother with your second paragraph.
On the other hand imagine being the grandmother in poor health having to share a room with someone accusing her of sexual abuse.
This is a delicate enough situation without people being judge and jury when there is a lot of investigating to be done.
Further please do not put people off talking to NSPCC or Social Services about children they believe to be in trouble and difficulties.

leopardgecko · 13/03/2016 23:13

OP, I am so very sorry for the terrible situation you find yourself in, and I am afraid I have no more advice than numerous others have offered.

However, I feel the need to balance up what a previous poster said. The SW who said she had never known a child make up sexual abuse. I just wanted to say as a foster carer (25+ years) I have known more than a few children who HAVE made it up. They, of course, sadly have their own reasons for this, including sometimes MH difficulties, and of course it always has to be taken seriously and investigated, but I have known it to happen.

I wish you good luck in getting the help your daughter needs, and please remember to be kind to yourself too.

Narnia72 · 13/03/2016 23:21

My sil has bipolar effective disorder. One of the ways this illness can present itself is imagining sexual abuse situations and believing they are true. It is really difficult. Sil has made various allegations about a family member. This was a long time before I knew her. Her mother chose to believe family member over SIL. It has destroyed their relationship. I don't know, and don't think we'll ever know, whether her allegations are true, but they've been consistent in the 10 years I've known her.

Whatever your feeling as to whether this is real, do not destroy her trust and encourage her to keep talking to you and her therapist. Seek help from the professionals involved in your daughter's treatment, and do not talk to your mother about it at this stage. You need help from people who are trained to deal with this and who know your daughter.

Good luck, what a horrible situation to be in the middle of.

Fatmomma99 · 13/03/2016 23:31

As others have said:

I'd believe your daughter. (if she was making it up, where would she have got it from???)

And don't wait for an appointment - Phone CAMHS. They'll talk to you.

Wheresmybippers · 13/03/2016 23:47

You absolutely have to give your daughter the benefit of the doubt.

Others have all said what I'd say,
Where would it come from if it was a lie?
Could it be the stem of her mental health issues?
Is there any other close family or friends that it may be rather than your mother?
Has your mother ever been inappropriate in any way?

It would tear your relationship apart if you don't believe her, either way she needs your help and I think a pp said it can be investigated without your mother knowing.

Even if she did need to know, she would likely be much more understanding about the need to investigate it than your daughter would if you didn't believe her.

So sorry OP, what a terrible situation to have to deal with in top of you mother and daughter both being ill.

VelvetCushion · 14/03/2016 00:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

VelvetCushion · 14/03/2016 00:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

zaryiah · 14/03/2016 00:19

People with mental health issues, particularly the ones the OP outlined, are no more prone to lying than the general population. In fact, people with MH issues are more likely to suffer abuse, as they are vulnerable. I'm disgusted at your ignorant comment Velvet.

VelvetCushion · 14/03/2016 00:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

zaryiah · 14/03/2016 00:36

Velvet I'm a mental health social worker and have plenty of personal experience as I was long term carer for a parent with mental illness. I don't usually play top trumps but I suspect I know a wee bit more than you. Wink

Some people with mental illness lie but a mental illness alone does not make you a liar, especially not the diagnoses the OP outlined. She didn't state that there was a history of fabricating either.

VelvetCushion · 14/03/2016 00:39

Zary,
Too right you know more than me Wink
Im sure all cases very individual.

zaryiah · 14/03/2016 00:42

I don't like the insulation with mental illness is synonymous with lying. I'm not saying jump the gun and run to the police, accusing the mum. OP needs to approach this carefully. She'll get better advice from the MH team who (hopefully!) know the DD well enough to support her through this.

TheBouquets · 14/03/2016 00:46

I hope that the truth will come out either way. It is awful to consider your daughter is making up that your mother is a child sexual abuser and equally horrible that your daughter has been sexually abused by your mother. This could be disastrous to one or other relationship or maybe even both.

BastardGoDarkly · 14/03/2016 01:01

Oh god op. What a total nightmare for you.

I think I'd err on the side of caution, and get some professional help.

You need to show your poor dd that you're taking her seriously.

Best of luck to you in this awful situation.

sykadelic · 14/03/2016 01:57

She could be confusing the dates, she could also be trying to confide in you to see how you react but that it's actually someone else.

Definitely have her speak to someone and definitely keep your mum and her separate.

I know a 8 y/o who repeatedly accuses her half-brother of touching her. Each and every time the police are called, reports are filed, and once she's alone with the officer's she admits to them that she's just making it up. She told her DM that her DF and his GF told her to say she'd been touched and in exchange got a snow cone maker, which she then admitted to police was a lie. She's had rape kits done, she's seen doctors, she's seen counselors, she's always treated seriously and it doesn't seem to stop. We truly believe that there's something going on, whether she's being told to lie by her mentally ill DM (custody disputes), or whether she's so damaged now by all the fighting and being involved in it.

Not exactly the same issue but I urge you to err on the side of caution, but do so with an air of letting her know that this is a very serious thing and lying would be very bad.

Baconyum · 14/03/2016 02:17

Velvet I've reported your ignorant disgusting anti mentally ill post! It's now well recognised that many abuse victims in the last were diagnosed as mentally ill purely for telling the truth about abuse (you can actually partially blame Freud for that!).

I seriously hope you are no longer involved in any way with anyone who is mentally ill.

Baconyum · 14/03/2016 02:20

Op ocd is also a condition that is tied in with CSA. Mine is. Think about what a lot of rape victims want to do first...wash! They feel dirty.

Not having your daughter and mother together is necessary until you know for certain but I would be extremely surprised if your daughter is lying. False allegations are incredibly rare, especially from children.

MissusWrex · 14/03/2016 03:17

In any situation like this I would believe my child first and foremost and make sure they could see I was acting on it.

So no contact with suspected abuser, inform police/ss/school whoever it is you call in these situations! (Actually I'd probably call nspcc for advice first!)

If it was found not to be true then the suspected person probably wouldn't even know about it, and if they did, I'd assume they'd understand you had done exactly what anyone should have.

I don't care if it was a friend, parent or even my husband, I'd react this way.

differentnameforthis · 14/03/2016 03:44

Why are people telling the op to talk to those in charge of her daughter's care? This is a safe guarding issue & disclosures of sexual abuse need to go straight to the police.

differentnameforthis · 14/03/2016 03:50

She has mental health issues therefore in my opinion could be lying.

VelvetCushion Why are you insinuating that those with mental health issues are liars?

I know plenty of people with MH issues who are not liars.

I'm disgusted at your ignorant comment Velvet As am I!

We have a young man in our family with MH issues and he lies all the time. So you think it is OK to tarnish everyone with MH issues with the same brush?

JohnThomas69 · 14/03/2016 03:55

whatamistake is pretty much the way I'd deal with it. Explain the seriousness of the consequences of the events and gauge her reaction. I think that being so young her response should allow for a reasonable judgement on whether she's telling the truth or not. A soft approach though.

JohnThomas69 · 14/03/2016 04:00

On reflection I think it's the grandmother thing I just can't get my head round. Can't help feeling it would be an absolutely devastating accusation do deal with via your own daughter and granddaughter if not true.

differentnameforthis · 14/03/2016 04:16

Explain the seriousness of the consequences of the events and gauge her reaction Be careful doing this, op. You are not trained to question her, and "explaining the seriousness" of this could be enough to scare her out of saying what needs to be said.

I know you are her parent, but once abuse is involved you have to be just that,...her parent. DO NOT attempt to question her, or "scare" her into retracting/changing her mind/story.

Let the professionals investigate. If there is no basis in what she is saying, they will get to the bottom of it without making her feel that she has lied/done the wrong thing etc.

JohnThomas69 · 14/03/2016 04:35

You're right. It did actually occur to me after posting. I should've corrected.
A difficult and complex situation nonetheless.