AIBU to actually believe my mum, over my daughter?

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Hi all, this just keeps playing around in my head and I'm not sure who I believe now.

I'm not too familiar with the site, so not sure how many responses I'd get, but I'll answer you all after my shower.

My daughter is 12. She has a long past of mental health disorders. She is on medication and has recently been released from an eating disorder clinic. She's doing well though.

My mother is an older woman and has a few heart conditions and is in and out of hospital. Last night, my daughter told me that she makes her feel uncomfortable and goes on to describe inappropriate touching. I was horrified.

I began to talk to her and she described things, etc. However, she said one of the main things was on a certain date when my mother was in hospital, so it was either a mix up, or a lie? I have been trying to juggle my time between the pair of them and there was an appointment I had to go to with my mum, but I also had a time to go and visit dd. I rearranged. I'm wondering if it stems from this?

Who would you believe? WWYD?

BlueEyes Well said. I have worries too about how this would affect the older woman with heart troubles. The mum has known the grandma a lot longer than the child and should be well aware of what the grandma would and would not do. Perhaps there is an abuser who has told the child to blame the grandma to cause trouble in the family and isolate the child and mum from their wider family.
I don't think many family members would take kindly to being accused of this by a relative.
It is a desperate situation and I hope the OP has contacted someone for help today.

The mum has known the grandma a lot longer than the child and should be well aware of what the grandma would and would not do

Oh come on...my father had known my brother all his life, didn't ever think he would hurt a fly, much less sexually abuse his own daughter & her friend.

You don't EVER know everything about someone.

The mum has known the grandma a lot longer than the child and should be well aware of what the grandma would and would not do.

This is such a dangerous assumption to make. Better to involve professionals who have no personal attachment to any of the people involved and let them sort out what did and didn't happen.

I agree that it is a dangerous assumption to make. I have known my dh longer than my children, I'd still report any allegations of this nature if they made them against him.

I don't think you have to take sides in this at all. Not for the moment anyway. The poster earlier who is in the police have good advice: contact 101, tell them everything and let them take it from there. They will not rush off and arrest your mum! They will investigate sensitively and professionally (despite occasional bad press, the majority of police officers are well trained and do their best). Good luck - such a delicate and difficult situation.

So much dangerous advice being given on this thread and MNHQ NOT MONITORING CLEARLY!!!!

take the advice of the police officer that is exactly what should happen.

Confronting the accused abuser in the presence of a 12 YEAR OLD accuser is really bad dangerous advice both if it has happened or hasn't!

As for 'I'd know if x person was like that' both personally and professionally I know that this is NO indication of whether a person is an abuser or not. I too have been involved in cases where grandparents have abused grandchildren but not children. Also abusers don't abuse all the children they have access to. People like this aren't attracted to every child for starters (another widely perpetuated misconception, they usually have preferences), they're also very good at sussing out who's likely to tell and who's likely to be/not be believed! Eg I was involved in a case where the nt child was not abused but a child with learning difficulties was.

And women abuse/support and encourage CSA more than is reported to the police, or people realise unfortunately because this is so difficult for people to get their heads round, especially if the accused is a mother. They're even less likely to be convicted than male perpetrators (and we all know the shockingly low conviction rates even there!).

Yes there's a possibility the child has made an error or there has been a misunderstanding but the correct thing for all concerned is for it to be investigated by those who know what they're doing.

Great post bacon. Some of the "advice" on the thread is absolutely horrendous. I hope the op does the right thing and goes to the police.

So much dangerous advice being given on this thread and MNHQ NOT MONITORING CLEARLY!!!!

Completely agree with this.

My sense is that there is a strong possibility that the girl is becoming jealous of the time her mum is having to spend with grandmother. How can she restore the balance? Say something to turn mum's attention away from grandma and fully back on her. Note the lie about the dates.
However the child can't be ignored. I would have a chat with grandma expressing concern about the child and asking if grandma can think of anything she may have done to make the girl feel uncomfortable.
Op you know your mum, has she ever exhibited any behaviour at all which leads you to suspect her? Has your dd ever made up stories in order to gain attention? Avoid leaving the two together alone but do not be too ready to cry abuse. How many sick, elderly women could physically abuse a 12 year old?

However the child can't be ignored. I would have a chat with grandma expressing concern about the child and asking if grandma can think of anything she may have done to make the girl feel uncomfortable.

As if someone who has actually abused a child is just going to come out and admit it. The op needs to involve the police.

do not be too ready to cry abuse.

So the girl is not to be believed until the op has investigated herself? That flies in the face of all the advice given by the police and the Nspcc.

This thread is really worrying.

I will repeat my earlier post in the hope some people think twice before commenting;

OP you are receiving some very bad advice from well meaning people. Just because you have known one person longer that the other is not an indication of whether this is true or false. Your daughter is vulnerable, you should report it. Best of luck

OP, I agree that you have to run this past your DDs MH team, straight away and take advice from them.

How is your Mum? I was a SW and worked with older people on various medications, sometimes their behaviour becomes sexually inappropriate if unwell/reacting to meds etc. If this is the case then this won't become a Police matter, it will be handled via SS.

I'm just putting a possible situation across that I've experienced during my working life (and in RL). Do not speak to your Mum, until your DDs MH team advice you to.

Please can people RTFT before commenting. Previous posters on this thread who are Police, social workers and MH professionals who work with abused children have already advised OP

Not to confront her DM about her DD's allegations herself

That women and the elderly can and do perpetrate sexual abuse so the DM's age and gender is irrelevent. I have personally been involved with a case where a very elderly grandparent was prosecuted for sexuallh abusing their grandchild and is now in prison. This individuals age and frailty was one of the reasons they were able to carry on the abuse for years, people still think that abusers have to fit a certain profile despite their being much evidence to the contrary.

That whether or not OP herself was abused is also not relevent. It is not always the case that GP's who sexually abuse their grandchildren will also have abused their own children.

Not read all the posts, but from the original OP, I would tread careful lung including supervising dd with dm. It is quite possible (likely even?) that dd is not speaking truthfully but supervising won't hurt your fm and could also protect her from false accusations. In meantime consult her medical team. My worry would be that dd was talking about an experience she actually had, but a different perpetrator. Best wishes OP. I feel for you.

Please listen to the professionals on this thread op they KNOW what they are talking about and the right steps to take in these situations.

there is no choice here. Report and let the results fall where they fall. You have to be there for your dd. Having siaid that, i know that those who are victimised can accuse a 'safe abuser' and not the real one out of fear.

You need to keep an open mind, contact social services and have this allegation investigated by an independent third party.

Children will sometimes say that x has abused them when in fact it was y who was responsible.

This must be extraordinarily difficult for you.

We had similar with niece from the age of 14 till 23, as a family we are still not sure what is the truth or distorted truth (I honestly believe she believed every accusation even when proved false). Some family members have cut ties with her and some will not be left alone but we always start with belief in what she says as her talking was the only way to help her. She is now in her thirties with her own DC and on medication that seems to be helping hugely.

If my mum was accused of abusing my child I would automatically be suspicious of the claims because of how well I know my mum. We are extremely close and my first instinct would be to believe she is innocent.

However, I wouldn't take the chance and I would still inform the police and let the professionals take over. It would be heartbreaking but I couldn't risk it. Many people are shocked when it turns out someone is an abuser and some of us will know people very well who we don't think are capable of abuse but they actually are, so I would let the professionals do what they need to do.

OP follow the advice from the professionals here. I am not a professional but I would not be questioning my daughter any further or speaking to my mum about it. Some of the advice here is shockingly bad but with abuse you can't take any chances, so no matter who you believe you have to do the right thing.

The comments and suggestions made about people with mental health issues, and children that have suffered abuse, on this thread are disgusting. Especially as a large portion of young people with mental health conditions have them because of some form of abuse as a child. Absolutely revolted by some of the advice here.

And as for people saying "I'd know it wasn't true". No you wouldn't. There is no way to know for sure. How do you think people cover up their abuse for years? Your attitudes are encouraging the disbelief of victims that continues to damage us years on.

OP you have to believe your daughter.

Do call CAMHS.

Do tell her you believe her and encourage her to keep talking.

Do withdraw contact with your mother until this issue has been dealt with.

Do contact safe guarding teams. This includes making the school aware of what she has said, because if you don't, and she mentions it at school, there will be issues regarding why you haven't dealt with it.

Do not give her a talk on the consequences of lying FFS.

Do not communicate the situation with your mother until you know exactly what is going on.

Again the Grandmother convicted before trial.
This would put people off children, as a PP above said a child is avoided in her circle because of allegations which have never been proved.
Why not isolate both parties?
I have rules when looking after family children. I do not bath children and I hope they can change clothes without my help.

I am very anti child abuse but know that care has to be taken to avoid any false accusations. I just don't get the attraction to children in sexual way.
I would be suicidal if I was in the Grandma shoes and disappointed in the family conduct

Again the Grandmother convicted before trial.

You have decided she is innocent before the allegations have even been investigated by the police. I hold up god you don't have any involvement in child safeguarding. You haven't got a clue. It's good to know you're "anti child abuse" though.

I think whether you believe your dd or not is less important then whether you act appropriately on what she has disclosed. In your position I would be reassuring my dd that I was listening to her and there to support her (regardless of whether I privately believed my mum was abusive) and calling the police.

Everyone is innocent till proved beyond reasonable doubt. That is the law. I am not be as involved in official safeguarding as others apparently are but I think there must be more going on in the world than I know if this is the way of it. Having said that I could agree with being a recluse. I don't want a world as some posters here seem to think it is.
It is sick that innocent people are tarred and feathered before anything is known for sure. I don't think I have seen anything from the OP for a while. Hope she lets it be known what the outcome is.
Surely any decent person would be against child abuse?