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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to actually believe my mum, over my daughter?

188 replies

AdamsAppleAA · 13/03/2016 20:30

Hi all, this just keeps playing around in my head and I'm not sure who I believe now.

I'm not too familiar with the site, so not sure how many responses I'd get, but I'll answer you all after my shower.

My daughter is 12. She has a long past of mental health disorders. She is on medication and has recently been released from an eating disorder clinic. She's doing well though.

My mother is an older woman and has a few heart conditions and is in and out of hospital. Last night, my daughter told me that she makes her feel uncomfortable and goes on to describe inappropriate touching. I was horrified.

I began to talk to her and she described things, etc. However, she said one of the main things was on a certain date when my mother was in hospital, so it was either a mix up, or a lie? I have been trying to juggle my time between the pair of them and there was an appointment I had to go to with my mum, but I also had a time to go and visit dd. I rearranged. I'm wondering if it stems from this?

Who would you believe? WWYD?

OP posts:
ElderlyKoreanLady · 13/03/2016 21:29

Stop it with the sneaky troll alerts Under. There's a very good reason troll hunting is against site rules.

Writerwannabe83 · 13/03/2016 21:30

What an awful situation OP.

I do think that for now you have to believe your daughter.

A girl who I knew throughout my childhood ended up in a residential unit when she was 19 due to her mental health problems, one of which was portrayed through an eating disorder. During her counselling there she disclosed that between the ages of 3 and 11 she had been sexually abused by her grandad. It was awful and came to a huge shock to everyone as her grandad, who I had also known, had seemed to be your stereotypical lovely grandad figure.

I'm not saying that your daughter's allegations are true but as another poster has said there is usually a trigger to mental health problems and this may possibly be your daughters.

For now you have to show her that you are taking her seriously and you will protect her.

KnobJockey · 13/03/2016 21:31

TheBouquets- was that the post about the nursery worker lying on his back, in the open, with co workers around him, where the toddlers climbed on him? The difference is that there is nothing in that situation inappropriate- the nursery worker wasn't touching, wasn't laying on the girls, they were playing with him.

In this situation, 'poor mother' doesn't really come into it, unfortunately. There is a pre teen, who is old enough to know when something makes her feel uncomfortable, saying there is something inappropriate going on. Completely different situation.

OP, I feel for you. I have a 12 year old, and I know that at this age they are big giant bags of hormones and mood swings. I would find it very hard to believe that of my parent too. But is there a reason your daughter could be making this up? Has she ever had a problem with your mum? Could this be the trigger for her other issues? Do you get any sense of lying from her at all?

zaryiah · 13/03/2016 21:33

Young people with a history of abuse often develop serious eating disorders, so I'd be very concerned and seeking advice from the MH team ASAP.

sleeponeday · 13/03/2016 21:35

No advice - think you have had excellent already - I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are dealing with this, on top of what sound like complex and draining health issues on both generational sides of you.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 13/03/2016 21:35

UnderTheGreenwoodTree

ImperialBlether · 13/03/2016 21:39

I've reported this. Think before you discuss grandmothers sexually abusing grandchildren - remember the other thread that was deleted?

TheBouquets · 13/03/2016 21:45

Knob - the difference is that the nursery worker was male, I don't know if an age group was given, but would expect a nursery worker (of either sex) to be reasonably fit. This grandmother is not in good health. The child is 12. Some 12 year olds can be quite big. Kids of all ages and sexes can be manipulative. There has already been a suggestion that the 12 year old might be unnerved by the mum trying to fit in caring for daughter and mum. It is a hard position for the mum. I think an open mind to both the child and the older person would be the best stance with watchful caution in both directions. Can you imagine the damage to an old person with a heart condition, or several heart problems, if they were to find out they were wrongly accused of such a thing. Either way the mum is in the difficulty of trying to work out which of her closest females is truthful.
This thread's contents has certainly made a difference to my views and opinions on what I should do.

LifeofI · 13/03/2016 21:49

I'm sorry you are going through this, really hard situation. I agree with everyone else on here regarding believing your daughter, dates could be mixed up, most people dont remember dates of anything

TheBouquets · 13/03/2016 21:50

Imperial - I don't know about the other thread you mentioned. I know that there are some very strange people out there. I even had one "make me an offer" when I was half dead with serious ill health. I cant imagine that I was in any way attractive.

My main concern is with the mum in the middle very difficult for her.
I don't think it is nice to assume more wrong with an elderly grandmother than a pre teen with hormones and issues.

Original poster
AdamsAppleAA · 13/03/2016 21:50

Hi all, thanks for your replies, it seems that I should not rule this out and I do agree. I think you're right about talking to CAMHS about it, but I don't see her key worker on my own, she is always there and it would make her anxiety worse if I asked for a separate talk, but I'll try.

There is no reason for me to think my mother did this and the only reasons I have for my daughter to me lying, is her mental health problems. To the person asking what they were, I'm not sure how they'll help you advise me? She has OCD, Depression, Anxiety and Anorexia. In family therapy, it was discussed how it was developed and it was through bullying and death of her own dog.

Not sure who is accusing me of a troll, but I'm not and you are welcome to report me, as it seems like someone has done. I'm not familiar with the site, I haven't posted before, I just like to have a read.

Thanks for the advice, sorry if I missed anything

OP posts:
originalusernamefail · 13/03/2016 21:59

Could it be as a PP (think she is a social worker) suggested that the abuse has come from someone else? Then your mum is innocent and your daughter is telling the truth but doesn't feel safe enough to name the real perpetrator? You need to take this further, whatever the outcome.

Crikeyblimey · 13/03/2016 22:02

Why does anyone need to 'think' Imperial? Does it never happen?

I think the op has asked a genuine question and is looking for genuine advice.

Unfortunately I have none except to say to keep an open mind and speak to professionals for advice.

MissBeaHaving · 13/03/2016 22:08

Why would she lie Op?

I'm of the opinion that any child who speaks of abuse should be believed & the appropriate authorities/organisations contacted.

incywincybitofa · 13/03/2016 22:12

If this poster is real and I suppose that there is no reason to doubt that- then I am gobsmacked that she would rather ask the advice of a bunch of strangers, many of whom may have had a Sunday glass of wine or shot of gin, than talk to a professional who knows her child or the NSPCC.

Your daughter needs help- if the allegations are true she needs your help and if she is lying she needs supportive help. She should be listened to heard and the right help found.
The whole dates thing is a red herring, our neighbours 12 year old has no mental health difficulties and seems to struggle with dates and days- the event can be right the date or even time of year can be wrong I have discovered listening to her.

0phelia · 13/03/2016 22:14

Fucking hell, troll or no troll, GM are perfectly capable of CSA. I have known of it.

OP, I'd be inclined to stick by your daughter. No need to directly accuse the GM, but hear your DD out.

0phelia · 13/03/2016 22:16

CSA is well known to be a determinate for later eating disorders and MH problems.

FusionChefGeoff · 13/03/2016 22:17

I would definitely take this seriously.

As pp said, the damage to her if you don't act could be huge. She needs to know that you've got her back, 100% or she will find it impossible to trust you which will make it in turn impossible for you to support her MH recovery.

It may be true. It may be complete fabrication. Or it may be that some facts are true and some are not. Either way, the advice to speak to NSPCC, CAMHS, school and ultimately the police seems very sensible.

MissBeaHaving · 13/03/2016 22:18

With the way things have been recently on here it's so difficult to know .....but In a case like this I'd rather go against my better judgment & advise the Op to believe her child & seek help asap.

Paulat2112 · 13/03/2016 22:26

Trust and believe your daughter.

fuctifino · 13/03/2016 22:29

Can you speak to your dd's key worker on the phone, so as not to make your dd more anxious?

JungleBoat · 13/03/2016 22:41

Believe her

CaptainCrunch · 13/03/2016 22:55

What's your relationship with your mother like? Did she ever act inappropriately with you as a child?

Imnotbeinghorriblebut · 13/03/2016 22:56

When I was 12 I wouldn't have known women could be abusers. (I'm 30 so really not yonks ago). I would believe your daughter- I wouldn't have known enough to make anything up.

Believe your daughter and keep your mum and daughter apart 100%- never mind just making sure they aren't alone together! God, could you imagine being made to be in the same room as your abuser and pretend it's ok because other people were there?!

If your daughter is telling the truth then encourage her to press charges, if she isn't then make sure she is getting the help she needs. How you find out the truth I don't know.

You have my sympathies- what a horrible situation to be in OP.

CaptainCrunch · 13/03/2016 22:58

It's not up to the victim to "press charges".

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