My dad is making me look wealthier than I am (long)

[dazedandconfused17]

I know my diamond shoes are too tight and in the big scheme of things I'm incredibly lucky.

When I was 22 I inherited a house and some land from my grandparents. It came to me as my mother had died when I was little. It isn't Blenheim Palace or anything, but it had been in her family since 1693 and parts of it date back to the 12th century. My DF thought at the time I should sell it, as while it is gorgeous, it has always been a lot of work to maintain etc. In the end (after a couple of years of faff), DH (then DP) and I decided to move in and try and keep the place going.

We're now in our late thirties and it's still here. It's been a rough ride, but so far we have kept the place standing and our family going. It has, however, been really financially tough, especially the last couple of years, due to a bunch of unexpected expenses, specifically massive issues with the roof. Last year in a real pinch, DH borrowed £2000 from a friend to cover vets bills for our dog. At the time, he was meant to be starting a new contract (he works freelance to help support the family) and thought he'd be able to pay back in a couple of months. The job fell through at the last minute and we've not been able to repay on time. Currently I'm paying it off at a rate of £400 per month, which is very hard (we have zero spare income at all right now) but it is getting done.

The friend in question has been, quite reasonably, annoyed with us and said she was only able to spare the money for a couple of months and needs it all back. Last time I saw her she had a massive rant about how we clearly could afford to as the kids went skiing after Christmas and we have a nearly new car.

The thing is this comes from my dad. He has always said that he won't loan us money (which is fair) and he doesn't want us to rely on him as we're grown ups, but does like to sometimes give random gifts. So, for example, he and my stepmum took the kids away, along with my half brothers (who are both much younger than me - closer to my kids age) for a skiing holiday. We could never afford it. And when he wanted to get a new car last year, he gave us his old one, which was a decent three year old VW Passat (I know! I know!). But this is all coming together to make us look super rich - we live in a huge house (even if currently we can't heat it) and we have a nice car and the kids go skiing and she is getting really angry that we're drawing out the repayments.

DH is working, but only part time as a postman as he hasn't been able to get a new contact like the one that fell through. I am working, part time out of the home and part time on our business which is meant to get the place a bit more profitable and a bit less of a drain. I did try and explain that we don't have money, just a gift from my dad, and she said that if he could afford to give us a nearly new car, he could definitely afford to give us the money we need to repay her.

Is she being U? I am pretty certain that DF won't loan me the money if I ask, and if he does he'll be really unhappy about it, even though he can afford it. Is he being U? Should I ask anyway?

We have tried to get a bank loan, but after a bunch of financial hiccups last year they pretty much laughed in our face at the suggestion of an unsecured personal loan and we can't take a loan through the business and spend it on a personal debt, I don't think. Loan should be paid off start of May, but it's just getting there.

You need to put steps in place so that you no longer live so far beyond your means that you can't keep your house warm or insure your animals. Whether this be a case of generating more income or selling the house is your call. If one can't happen, the other absolutely must. Borrowing large sums from friends will always come with complications.

I also think your grandparents intended the house to be a gift, not a millstone.

You can charge people to come and work on your house, ingenious? Tell me more?

I would take a log book loan and cry over the interest pay your friend back the whole lot immediately. Your friend needs all the money back now and can't wait for you to piss about downsizing or getting bar work or growing bees.

I do understand not wanting to sell the house, but clearly something has to give you cant continue in this position. If your GrandF had left it to his heir (your father), it would have been sold by now? Can your father come and live in part of the house (and sell his property), it is his familial responsibility too.

If you really cant sell then, as my profession is property all my suggestions are related to that:

Do you have outbuildings to convert (or can you build new) holiday cottages, commerical premises, conference centre, team building exercises.

Can you subdivide the main house and let part? Cellars to convert to letting rooms? Use for weddings, functions, conferences

Can you sell off land or get planning to build on some land (then JV with developer), can you use any land for storage of cararvans/boats/shipping containers, develop a solar farm. A camping field, caravan site.

But OP the whole point of old houses is that expensive and unforeseen repair costs will crop up fairly often. So often they need to be accounted for as part of the 'regular' bills. My DstepF is living in a smallish grade II listed farmhouse, and even that regularly has large repair bills.

Why don't you rent out the big house, and then you rent something much smaller.

So, just making this up, but let's say you could get £2000pm for your house, then you rent a house for £700pm. There's an immediate income of £1300pm.

Later on, if your finances improve, you can move back in.

So you have a house and two cottages and you're still borrowing and not repaying people on time.

You wouldn't be a friend of mine.

If your GrandF had left it to his heir (your father),

He did leave it to his heir, the OP who is the daughter of his deceased daughter.

Why don't you see one or more of the cottages? It's great to have big dreams but you have to be able to pay your way.

Yes your father is not making you look wealthier than you are. You are wealthy. But you are choosing to hang on to a large house and 2 cottages and borrow from friends to subsidise your way of life.

Wow, what a lot of jealous scolds on here!

Sell centuries of history because the going is rough for a few years? Absurd.

I think you were wrong to borrow vet money from friend without exploring other options. Credit card, payment scheme with vet, etc. But friend wasn't forced to lend and if you have stuck to original terms she has zero cause for complaint. Your inter-family finances are none of her business.

Long term I would not accept gifts from father but only because I don't like sanctimonious people and his " I don't lend money" schtick sounds pompous and judgmental.

Long term re house you need a better plan and income scheme.

Can you set it up as a nonprofit ? Or one of you get a better job. Expecting to "have it all" on two spotty incomes seems a bit much. But that's your lookout. Not sure why other commenters keep focusing on the house when it's really irrelevant to your question. If you lived in a obe-bed rented flat the issue of your friend's resentment of your dad's gifts would be the same.

Get someone in to advise you on how to best utilise the house, e.g. weddings, B&B, conferences, film location, themed retreats.

Get a mortgage to allow you finish all renovations.

Move into the cottage to free the house up for the business. You run the business, your DH pursues his contracts. That should give you enough income to make repayments on the mortgage and live off.

ingeniousidiot - we have 70 acres. Currently no tenants - two holiday cottages (which are funding most of the renovations project and keeping themselves covered, so we can keep them in decent nick, but aren't giving us a profit). We did have caravans back in the day, but that didn't make a reliable income and we started looking at a more structured wilderness retreat set up. We have people coming in there, but it's quite new and is still paying off the money that went into setting up a visitor's lodge and the activity site. That was all underway before the roof/buildings issues so we decided to finish rather that stop so at least it could start making an income.

When I got this place, the land was being used for farming but that really doesn't make enough money. We have looked at selling it, but that then means we have nothing long term to generate income for the house and will be in a worse place than we were before.

In terms of charging people to work on the place - we have got some volunteers here, but we've tried to not exploit anyone - we have paid for conservators/restoration people/proper builders.

OP if you're determined to keep the house then offering it as a filming location is a good idea.

re working through the tough bit - a house this old might well produce another surprise problem in 2 years time.

also, it sounds like you aren't well placed to get work. You need to be realistic about this.

We can't sell the house. We just can't. It was left to me in trust for the next generation (not a legal trust, but that is how my grandfather thought of it). It would feel like a massive betrayal to sell it.

For goodness sake, that is a ridiculous state of affairs. Sod your grandparents, they are dead and your mother would have hated to see you struggling with this millstone that puts you under such stress and forces you to borrow money for relatively small things while sitting on a pile.

Explain to your dad that reluctantly, unless he can lend you the remainder of the 2k to repay your friend you are going to have to sell the car he gave you to repay her and buy a cheaper car with the difference.

Put the house on the market and use the money to buy somewhere smaller and more manageable. All this holding something in trust for the next generation bollocks is just that - bollocks. Do you want to put your children under the same sort of strain that you are under now, when it's their turn to pay for a new roof they can't afford?

Future generations don't care about you hanging on to their house for them, because they won't miss what they've never had.

Use your common sense. People will rapidly run out of sympathy with you on this one.

At the very least see if you can move into somewhere smaller and rent it out at a profit until you've raised enough money to do the roof.

Wow, what a lot of jealous scolds on here!

I was wondering when that chestnut would turn up. I'm not jealous in the slightest. The op needs to find alms way to manage her finances that doesn't mean she has to borrow from her friends and fail to pay them back on time.

Yes, I did read all that and understand it SoupDragon. What makes you think I didn't? I am saying that they both need to do better than working part time paid work and if the part time work "on the house" is not generating any income then they both need to focus ALL of their energy into getting more income and more reliable income. As a matter of priority.

Op, when you ask if your friend is being U to want her loan back, the answer is an emphatic no.

And very few couples manage to live a decent life and both work part time. This is why many people, including my family members, have had to move out of rural areas.

...and borrow from friends to subsidise your way of life.

Stop being ridiculous. The op appears to have borrowed once to pay a vet bill.

Hardly subsidising a way of life is it?

You can't afford that house. Sell it to your dad and let him worry about the next generation. It's a noose around your neck, get rid of it. I doubt your parents willed it to you expecting it to cause you this much stress, it's a pile of bricks and life is for living.

What makes you think I didn't?

The fact that you said they were both working part time when actually they aren't.

OP, you have two children, don't you? How could you leave it to both of them? What if they tell you they'd sell it and have enough for a house each? At some point the chain has to be broken, doesn't it?

Ok - let's suppose it all goes brilliantly. Your business works out, the activity centre become the most popular in the country, you can afford to keep the house.

What happens when your children grow up? Are they both expected to work in this family business? What if one (or all of them) wants to be an astrophysicist? Or a doctor? Or a Hollywood superstar. Or just doesn't like kids on activity holidays?

And what happens when you die? You mention you have "kids" so presumably more than one child? Are you going to leave it all to one "favoured" child? Or expect them to live together in the house with their own wives / husbands and kids?

Or will they have to make the decision to sell the house - with the added guilt of "mum and dad spent their whole lives going without to keep the house" - because you were not brave enough to do so.

I'm not saying sell the house tomorrow. I'm just saying that even if things go well this is unlikely to be "happily ever after" - just passing the responsibility and guilt onto your own children.

Re: your friend. She said she could only spare the money for a couple of months. What is she now going without in order for you to keep your family home? Could her own home be put in jeopardy? Are her kids going cold and hungry in order for you to finance your own stately home? If the house is a success will you give her a share of the profits as she went without in order to enable you to keep it?

I think it sounds as though you need to take out a mortgage in order to finish the project off. You may or may not be able to live in it long term but mortgage rates are low at the moment.

Keep the money from the mortgage in a savings account and draw down on it as required to make the monthly payments and then for house repairs - some of those interest should be tax deductible anyway?

OP borrowed £2,000 from a friend which is a lot of money. Yes that is subsidising her way of life.