My dad is making me look wealthier than I am (long)

[dazedandconfused17]

I know my diamond shoes are too tight and in the big scheme of things I'm incredibly lucky.

When I was 22 I inherited a house and some land from my grandparents. It came to me as my mother had died when I was little. It isn't Blenheim Palace or anything, but it had been in her family since 1693 and parts of it date back to the 12th century. My DF thought at the time I should sell it, as while it is gorgeous, it has always been a lot of work to maintain etc. In the end (after a couple of years of faff), DH (then DP) and I decided to move in and try and keep the place going.

We're now in our late thirties and it's still here. It's been a rough ride, but so far we have kept the place standing and our family going. It has, however, been really financially tough, especially the last couple of years, due to a bunch of unexpected expenses, specifically massive issues with the roof. Last year in a real pinch, DH borrowed £2000 from a friend to cover vets bills for our dog. At the time, he was meant to be starting a new contract (he works freelance to help support the family) and thought he'd be able to pay back in a couple of months. The job fell through at the last minute and we've not been able to repay on time. Currently I'm paying it off at a rate of £400 per month, which is very hard (we have zero spare income at all right now) but it is getting done.

The friend in question has been, quite reasonably, annoyed with us and said she was only able to spare the money for a couple of months and needs it all back. Last time I saw her she had a massive rant about how we clearly could afford to as the kids went skiing after Christmas and we have a nearly new car.

The thing is this comes from my dad. He has always said that he won't loan us money (which is fair) and he doesn't want us to rely on him as we're grown ups, but does like to sometimes give random gifts. So, for example, he and my stepmum took the kids away, along with my half brothers (who are both much younger than me - closer to my kids age) for a skiing holiday. We could never afford it. And when he wanted to get a new car last year, he gave us his old one, which was a decent three year old VW Passat (I know! I know!). But this is all coming together to make us look super rich - we live in a huge house (even if currently we can't heat it) and we have a nice car and the kids go skiing and she is getting really angry that we're drawing out the repayments.

DH is working, but only part time as a postman as he hasn't been able to get a new contact like the one that fell through. I am working, part time out of the home and part time on our business which is meant to get the place a bit more profitable and a bit less of a drain. I did try and explain that we don't have money, just a gift from my dad, and she said that if he could afford to give us a nearly new car, he could definitely afford to give us the money we need to repay her.

Is she being U? I am pretty certain that DF won't loan me the money if I ask, and if he does he'll be really unhappy about it, even though he can afford it. Is he being U? Should I ask anyway?

We have tried to get a bank loan, but after a bunch of financial hiccups last year they pretty much laughed in our face at the suggestion of an unsecured personal loan and we can't take a loan through the business and spend it on a personal debt, I don't think. Loan should be paid off start of May, but it's just getting there.

The thing about the house being something to pass on to future generations is a bit odd though. It's a millstone around your neck, and you want to pass that responsibility on to your DCs eventually? So kicking the guilt of selling up on to them?
If I could reasonably make the house pay for itself, then I would do that but it doesn't sound possible from what you've said. Combined with a work situation which has a very variable income it just sounds like a nightmare.

I think selling the car is the best bet too. Pay off the 800, buy something much smaller and older.

Could you get a job? Could the house go over to National Trust or similar?

Film locations worked well for us in our old (listed) house.

Contract from film company included any damage from filming, make good any decoration they changed and rates if they over ran/if we needed to be out of house overnight etc...

Yes it was disruptive and filming went on late into the evenings however, the fees paid for the whole house to be re-wired and new timber windows - this was from one, two week filming period.

Sweat your assets.

If the house is unrentable, unsellable and unusuable as a holiday home/business, then you need to earn more money!

Or fix up one part of it and rent out two rooms as a holiday let and leave the rest to a later date.

I can't imagine how stressful it is with the bills piling up and your dh's part time wage.

Honestly, do you think it's ok to live like this or would you like a change to something more stable? The house isn't worth it if it is making you all stressed, fall out with friends and ill with it all.

Surely you can take out a loan from somewhere and just pay your friend back???
I am not surprised your friend is furious. And this isn't your dad's fault! He warned you about the house, I understand wanting to hang on to it, but then you need to find a way to make this viable and that doesn't impact so badly on your kids and friends

I think if you haven't even asked your dad for the money to pay her back then YABU.

What was the original rate at which you agreed to pay it back? £400 a month sounds pretty good really, and as you say it will soon be paid back.

On balance I think that, while you probably shouldn't have borrowed it from her, she also shouldn't have agreed to lend it if she needed it back so quickly.

It's up to you whether you sell the house - obviously no one knows better than you how big a burden it is. But it sounds like if it's not making money it will have to go sooner or later, unless you get a lot of money coming in from another source. I don't think you should feel you need to sell it because of this one incident though.

When it's done up can you offer B&B?

I actually know someone in a very similar situation to you. They are now in their 50s and the strain of trying to keep the house going over the years has resulted in their marriage being in a terrible state, the wife drinks at least a bottle of wine a night, the H is chronically depressed and their son was recently hospitalised with pneumonia. The parents say the pneumonia has nothing to do with the fact the house is horribly damp, as they can't afford to heat it

Don't end up in the same situation OP.

Yes you do look wealthier than you are, no wonder your friend is annoyed, she probably thought lending to you would be risk free. I know you say your dad funded the skiing holiday but did he fund every bit of it including the clothes for the children for example?

In the short term I'd sell the car and buy something cheaper, use the difference to repay your friend. If your dad doesn't like this then explain that you need cash rather than fancy cars and holiday. Perhaps he'd get the hint?

I'm sure your grandad would be turning in his grave knowing how much you are struggling at the moment.

It may have a lot of meaning but realistically you cannot afford that house.

You have two options..

Sell the car, buy a cheaper one and pay your friend off asap

Sell the house.

I would actually do both but it is your choice

Is the land suitable for someone who needs to rent space for a horse?

Aaarggghhh tearing my hair out at the people who can't even be bothered to read the fucking op!

Op, the thing that leapt out at me is that both you and dh only work part-time. Most couples have to work more than that to keep even a modest roof over their heads. I think you have an unrealistic view of the world - probably skewed by having had so much handed to you on a plate.

I can't believe there's nothing in your house you can't sell to pay back the loan? Or what about air bnb?

I find it weird that you asked your friend for the vet loan, when clearly bank of mum and dad would've helped you out.

You need to work on your financial independence.

YABU reverse the roles and think how you would feel.

Instead of thinking up more excuses as to why you can't pay back your kind friend try saving your energy for how you can pay her back asap.

The house will sell if you put it on at a low enough price. If it doesn't, you're charging too much. That's how these things work. But if you don't want to consider selling it, the sacrifices will have to come from elsewhere.

You mention part time work in the business yourself and living in an area where there isn't much, have you explored all remote working opportunities that might be available to you? Or to DH during periods when he's not contracting?

I'm with skankingpiglet

You won't sell a house you can't afford to run or heat, in order to pass it on to the next generation - who may well also struggle to heat/run it and will likely need to do a fuckload of work to it after years of you not being able to afford it. Madness.

Current projects to make money - we have two cottages which we are renting out as holiday cottages, we have a small beekeeping business which is making a small profit, we also are setting up a wilderness retreat and activity center but the development of that got put on hold when the massive issues with the house came up but we do get groups up here.

I also have another part time job as a receptionist. I can't go full time there because there is another part time receptionist.

The house isn't impossible to maintain when it's going well. The day to day maintenance is fine - it isn't the heating/council tax etc that is difficult. We have had years where we made a pretty decent profit out of everything. The problem has been that we hit some massive issues in the last couple of years, which have required a lot of money to resolve. That, combined with DH's last contract ending and a second one falling through has made it really difficult.

If we sold the house we would move away, probably after DH's work, but it would be heartbreaking. I just want to transform this place into a decent functioning business that can look after the place and I think we can, if we can just work through this particular patch.

people who can't even be bothered to read the fucking op!

LOLOL and then you go on to comment on both the OP and her DH working part time when she said she works part time out of the home and part time the business and that her DH is pitching for contracts and working part time as a postman as that's all he's been able to get.

But what's the point?

You don't have the money in order to do all this

People have to sell things like cars, or personal possessions on ebay all the time to make ends meet. I do think you are being unfair to your friend. You could have sold your car to pay the vets bills in the first place. I think you need to think more in the future about being financially independent.

You need to make the house and land pay for itself - how much land? Do you have you have tenants? What do you have at your disposal? Short term for extra cash I assume that you know about having caravans for 28 days of the year? 3 vans at £10/night and that's a good chunk of the last 2 payments taken care of. If the house is old/big enough, you can charge people to come and do work on it for you if you can rustle up some decent food and a couple of static caravans. Possibilities are endless, but If you've had it for a few years you should know all about these and you/your land agent should be doing it/have done it/about to embark on something new, or do you prefer to waft around being all 'woe is me'?

So what if her dad gifted the car. You don't take advantage of friends financially like this. £2,000 is a lot to borrow and not give back in the agreed time scale.

YaySirNaySir - my mum is dead. She died when I was six. So she couldn't have helped me out. And my dad doesn't like to loan me money. Maybe he's being unreasonable, but it's a thing.

And I am trying to pay her back asap. The log book loan on the car is a good idea and I'll look into that.

OldJoseph - he bought them ski clothes and ski rental. We paid for the normal clothes they wear. We really didn't put anything towards it. It was my dad's idea because he and my stepmother and their family were going and he thought the kids would like it.