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Original poster

My dad is making me look wealthier than I am (long)

393 replies

dazedandconfused17 · 13/03/2016 13:15

I know my diamond shoes are too tight and in the big scheme of things I'm incredibly lucky.

When I was 22 I inherited a house and some land from my grandparents. It came to me as my mother had died when I was little. It isn't Blenheim Palace or anything, but it had been in her family since 1693 and parts of it date back to the 12th century. My DF thought at the time I should sell it, as while it is gorgeous, it has always been a lot of work to maintain etc. In the end (after a couple of years of faff), DH (then DP) and I decided to move in and try and keep the place going.

We're now in our late thirties and it's still here. It's been a rough ride, but so far we have kept the place standing and our family going. It has, however, been really financially tough, especially the last couple of years, due to a bunch of unexpected expenses, specifically massive issues with the roof. Last year in a real pinch, DH borrowed £2000 from a friend to cover vets bills for our dog. At the time, he was meant to be starting a new contract (he works freelance to help support the family) and thought he'd be able to pay back in a couple of months. The job fell through at the last minute and we've not been able to repay on time. Currently I'm paying it off at a rate of £400 per month, which is very hard (we have zero spare income at all right now) but it is getting done.

The friend in question has been, quite reasonably, annoyed with us and said she was only able to spare the money for a couple of months and needs it all back. Last time I saw her she had a massive rant about how we clearly could afford to as the kids went skiing after Christmas and we have a nearly new car.

The thing is this comes from my dad. He has always said that he won't loan us money (which is fair) and he doesn't want us to rely on him as we're grown ups, but does like to sometimes give random gifts. So, for example, he and my stepmum took the kids away, along with my half brothers (who are both much younger than me - closer to my kids age) for a skiing holiday. We could never afford it. And when he wanted to get a new car last year, he gave us his old one, which was a decent three year old VW Passat (I know! I know!). But this is all coming together to make us look super rich - we live in a huge house (even if currently we can't heat it) and we have a nice car and the kids go skiing and she is getting really angry that we're drawing out the repayments.

DH is working, but only part time as a postman as he hasn't been able to get a new contact like the one that fell through. I am working, part time out of the home and part time on our business which is meant to get the place a bit more profitable and a bit less of a drain. I did try and explain that we don't have money, just a gift from my dad, and she said that if he could afford to give us a nearly new car, he could definitely afford to give us the money we need to repay her.

Is she being U? I am pretty certain that DF won't loan me the money if I ask, and if he does he'll be really unhappy about it, even though he can afford it. Is he being U? Should I ask anyway?

We have tried to get a bank loan, but after a bunch of financial hiccups last year they pretty much laughed in our face at the suggestion of an unsecured personal loan and we can't take a loan through the business and spend it on a personal debt, I don't think. Loan should be paid off start of May, but it's just getting there.

OP posts:
OhShutUpThomas · 13/03/2016 13:28

You both need to do a bit more than dabble about working part time.

I have no patience with people who plead poverty but don't do anything for themselves.

MajesticSeaFlapFlap · 13/03/2016 13:29

You can sell it, your choosing not to.

Do you not think its cheeky that rather than be a grown up and face up to the real problem you think you dad should bail you out?

iwantbrewstersmillions · 13/03/2016 13:30

You need to make something change. Not just to pay your friend back but for your life.

How much would the House be worth? Can't you sell it and downsize? I am sure it would be hard but also your family who passed it to you wouldn't want the house to be a burden round your neck

VimFuego101 · 13/03/2016 13:30

It sounds like the house is a huge financial burden to you - and probably will be for the next generation too. How much is it costing you in comparison to renting/ mortgage on a normal family home?

MaudGonneMad · 13/03/2016 13:30

What's your business?

Muskateersmummy · 13/03/2016 13:30

I would sit and have a frank conversation with your friend. Explain the complete picture. If she needs the money back. I would sell the car and buy a cheaper smaller one. Once that loan is paid off your have £400 a month disposable back in your pocket and life will be easier for you.

ImperialBlether · 13/03/2016 13:30

I think now is the time to give up the house. It sounds horrendously expensive to maintain and frankly, neither of you earn enough to keep it going.

I can see why you'd want to keep it but sometimes we can't have what we want. Why not sell it and buy another for cash and bank the rest?

ivykaty44 · 13/03/2016 13:30

If I was your friend and struggling for funds, due to loaning you a good will gesture if £2000 then I would be mighty pissed off at your dc going skiing and you getting a three year old car. I would think you were stringing me along.

Why should I suffer just because you will noypt say actually we are being ubdpfair to dear friend, we gave new car, skiing holiday gifted to us. Perhaps we should cash in gifts and return money to friend

whois · 13/03/2016 13:31

You are being super U. Take spit a payday loan or something and pay back your friend FFS!

PaulAnkaTheDog · 13/03/2016 13:31

You can't afford the upkeep of the house and that is detrimental to your friends financial situation. It doesn't matter why it was left to you, you need to cover your debts and you're clearly not. Your friend should not suffer because of your sentimental obligation. Also, is it really fair to be bringing your children up in a house you can't even afford to heat?!

PegsPigs · 13/03/2016 13:31

Yes my thoughts were if you sell the car it might not look good to your dad who might then stop giving you any gifts and it sounds like they are helping you get by. Log book loan sounds like a good short term solution but your DH really needs to up the ante getting a new FT contract.

IlikePercyPig · 13/03/2016 13:32

Something needs to give.

mycatsloveeachother · 13/03/2016 13:32

I can totally understand both sides here.

I guess the saying 'neither a borrower or a lender be' comes into play. Borrowing money from friends unless it's a 'oh-gosh-left-debit-card-on-kitchen-table-please-could-I-have-£20! just doesn't end well.

DixieNormas · 13/03/2016 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lorelei9 · 13/03/2016 13:33

are you saying that you feel you are being made to look as though you can pay back the loan (to the friend) when you can't?

There's a simple answer. Refuse the gifts from your dad.

also, it is plain wrong to not pay back your friend while you pay for the kids to go skiiing.

you need to give your head a wobble and look at your priorities. You owe your friend money - it's first on the list to pay them back.

second on the list sounds like you need to sell the house. Were you trying to get a bank loan to pay back your mate? Robbing Peter to pay Paul?

If you can't afford to heat the house, sell it. Believe me, I've dreamed of living in a house like that. But it's a dream, it needs to stay that way unless I have a mega mega lottery win - and then you know what, I'd probably end up deciding a house like that was a poor choice.

SoupDragon · 13/03/2016 13:33

Why would the loan be unsecured given you have a large house?

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 13/03/2016 13:34

I'm sure your gran would actually rather you sold your house than stay in it struggling with the upkeep it's only bricks and mortar and it's clearly unsustainable with your income. she isn't going to know to be hurt anyway!

SoupDragon · 13/03/2016 13:34

also, it is plain wrong to not pay back your friend while you pay for the kids to go skiiing.

She didn't pay for them to go skiing!! She's said that twice, once in the OP.

Original poster
dazedandconfused17 · 13/03/2016 13:35

DH can't get bar work around here. It's very rural with few jobs. What he normally does is takes contract work in the field he is qualified in (don't want to say what as this post is identifying enough) for short periods, and normally works at home with trips away while doing that. So, for example, he might work away from home for a month or so, and then come back and work from home. He has got a part time postman's job which is the best he could find when the last contract fell through.

When the contracts are coming in, he earns massively more than he could possibly earn in a salaried job around here. Until about two years ago, that was keeping the house etc pretty much ticking by. We have a business based out of the home which covered the running costs of it and I worked part time for top up.

Then we had some massive roof issues - not the kind that are covered by insurance, unfortunately, and as it's a listed building it was difficult to sort out. We had to take on a huge renovation project which isn't done yet.

We don't have a dog anymore. Dog sadly died after complicated health problems - hence the vets bills - and we've not replaced him. We do have other animals, but they contribute - chickens for eggs etc. If DH gets another contract (which he is actively pitching for, but it's difficult when he is working part time down here as he really needs to be heading into London to make pitches etc, which he can't do so easily) then we will stabilize massively.

I owe £800 of the debt now. April and May's installments.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 13/03/2016 13:35

Is it possible to rent the house out and live somewhere smaller?

SilverBirchWithout · 13/03/2016 13:35

You were unreasonable to borrow the money in the first place. Most vets will let you pay a large bill off over a few months.

You really are living beyond your means and need to find a way to pay friend back immediately. You need to get your priorities in order.

I find it odd that DF is willing to give money for new cars and skiing holidays but not help out when there was a vet bill crisis. It sounds like he has problems with priorities too.

lorelei9 · 13/03/2016 13:36

when your grandfather left the house to you, I imagine he was thinking times would be good - that the economy wouldn't have changed the way it has, that you'd be earning money, that the house wouldn't be a drain on your resources. he was imagining you'd enjoy it, not get into debt to fund keeping it.

I would be very surprised if he would have preferred you go through a lot of hassle to keep the house.

MistyMeena · 13/03/2016 13:37

I too would try and generate an income from the house. Could it be used for tv, film locations etc? There must be loads of ways to make some money from it although I do realise it's easy to say.

I think you need to speak to your friend and be honest, while doing your best to find a way to pay her back. I lent a friend £10k for a house deposit and have sat quiet over a number of years while watching her go on holiday, have new bathroom and so on while we can't afford to. I have no idea how but it's not my business really. It's very irritating though so if I were you I'd sit down and explain the situation to your friend so she understands.

IJustLostTheGame · 13/03/2016 13:38

Is there any way you can use what you have to generate money?
My cousin inherited our family's estate which needed an awful lot doing to it. No electricity upstairs, not been decorated in 300 years, no running water upstairs etc. Beautiful, but also a nightmare.
She's been pretty full on about generating revenue.
She uses a field every Sunday for a car boot. It's run by a company she turns up to collect her money at the end.
She has a travelling theatre every year who put on shows in the grounds outside, it's starting to get popular.
She's going to have outside sales such as foodie festival days, antiques market days, a fete etc this year.

sailawaywithme · 13/03/2016 13:39

I can imagine how difficult it will be, but you really need to think about selling the house. It sounds like a money pit, and if you need to ask for loans for just £50, you sound as though you're really struggling. Is it in a condition where you could rent it out and move your family into a much smaller place? I know it was left as a gift but it sounds like a millstone around your neck.