My dad is making me look wealthier than I am (long)

[dazedandconfused17]

I know my diamond shoes are too tight and in the big scheme of things I'm incredibly lucky.

When I was 22 I inherited a house and some land from my grandparents. It came to me as my mother had died when I was little. It isn't Blenheim Palace or anything, but it had been in her family since 1693 and parts of it date back to the 12th century. My DF thought at the time I should sell it, as while it is gorgeous, it has always been a lot of work to maintain etc. In the end (after a couple of years of faff), DH (then DP) and I decided to move in and try and keep the place going.

We're now in our late thirties and it's still here. It's been a rough ride, but so far we have kept the place standing and our family going. It has, however, been really financially tough, especially the last couple of years, due to a bunch of unexpected expenses, specifically massive issues with the roof. Last year in a real pinch, DH borrowed £2000 from a friend to cover vets bills for our dog. At the time, he was meant to be starting a new contract (he works freelance to help support the family) and thought he'd be able to pay back in a couple of months. The job fell through at the last minute and we've not been able to repay on time. Currently I'm paying it off at a rate of £400 per month, which is very hard (we have zero spare income at all right now) but it is getting done.

The friend in question has been, quite reasonably, annoyed with us and said she was only able to spare the money for a couple of months and needs it all back. Last time I saw her she had a massive rant about how we clearly could afford to as the kids went skiing after Christmas and we have a nearly new car.

The thing is this comes from my dad. He has always said that he won't loan us money (which is fair) and he doesn't want us to rely on him as we're grown ups, but does like to sometimes give random gifts. So, for example, he and my stepmum took the kids away, along with my half brothers (who are both much younger than me - closer to my kids age) for a skiing holiday. We could never afford it. And when he wanted to get a new car last year, he gave us his old one, which was a decent three year old VW Passat (I know! I know!). But this is all coming together to make us look super rich - we live in a huge house (even if currently we can't heat it) and we have a nice car and the kids go skiing and she is getting really angry that we're drawing out the repayments.

DH is working, but only part time as a postman as he hasn't been able to get a new contact like the one that fell through. I am working, part time out of the home and part time on our business which is meant to get the place a bit more profitable and a bit less of a drain. I did try and explain that we don't have money, just a gift from my dad, and she said that if he could afford to give us a nearly new car, he could definitely afford to give us the money we need to repay her.

Is she being U? I am pretty certain that DF won't loan me the money if I ask, and if he does he'll be really unhappy about it, even though he can afford it. Is he being U? Should I ask anyway?

We have tried to get a bank loan, but after a bunch of financial hiccups last year they pretty much laughed in our face at the suggestion of an unsecured personal loan and we can't take a loan through the business and spend it on a personal debt, I don't think. Loan should be paid off start of May, but it's just getting there.

Oh yes I forgot about a building opportunity.
The' local plan ' that every council has been considering involves trying to find land for building. The planning laws in the UK have almost been abandoned in the effort to fulfil the governments drive for new houses.
Have you a tiny bit of spare land suitable for building on? Get a builder to tell you how much they will give you for a very small parcel. Your money problems will be over. Especially if you are in the South.

The pet should have been given up or put down if you couldn't afford the medical bills

You clearly are not a pet person, EweAreHere. I would sell my arse to save my dog. I'd definitely sell dh, and as for the dcs... But, seriously, you can't tell anyone how to feel about their dog. You just can't.

The OP's place sounds lovely. My grandfather's house was a beautiful Queen Anne country house. Sadly such was the state of (lack of) repair that no one felt they could take it on in the family and it was sold. It had floors you could put your foot through, holes in the roof, no central heating etc etc. It was bought by - naturellement - an investment banker. It needs that kind of dosh to do up a big place, especially a listed building, and keep it running. Bil lives in a listed house. He is forever moaning about repair bills and the fact that even a few roof tiles need special approval; you can't just buy a few down the local builder's yard.

Glad you were able to work things out with your friend OP, sometimes all these things need is a bit more open communication.

I hope things work out for you and your family and the house, it is shit when everything in life seems to go wrong at once.

We are really not in the south! No one is clamoring to build houses around here! But I really do appreciate all the good ideas.

We will figure something out, one way or another, and this has got me thinking about a bunch of emotional things but that's probably for another thread that isn't AIBU.

Just sell the car and buy a cheaper runaround

My dad and his brothers inherited a similar sized plot of land and house from his parents. It's abroad and neither my dad, his brothers or any of us cousins have any intention of living in it. The place is just falling down now. It's a terrible shame as it's a lovely old house but none of us would have the skills to pitch up and maintain it, or work where it is. I have no idea what will happen to it when my dad's generation go. Presumably we will all just have a little piece of derelict land each that we can't do anything with. I hope if your property becomes self sufficient by the time your children inherit it, it will not suffer the same fate. You cannot tie your children to it though, and if they want to live somewhere with jobs and opportunities, maybe they won't have the luxury of worrying about the effect on the community of weekenders.

Purple daisies aren't you jealous then? I am. Id love a country pile with 70 acres from which to run my own business.

No I'm not-Worrying about how to pay my bills, having to borrow money off friends and family to scrape by sounds incredibly stressful. I'm happy in my two bedroom semi .

Re: full time jobs - we can't both work full time, keep the house and land, and get the kids to school. I have three kids at two schools. They can't fly to and from school. I work part time, and then I do enough to keep the other businesses going. Home business + part time job earns more than I'd get in any full time job I could get around here, and there isn't much

OP you don't seem to realise that ONE of you has to work full-time in employment that is at least well paid and if that can't be done then its a part-time on top of a full-time. Life is not a fairytale sometimes we have to make some real shit sacrifices in order to hold on to what we love

There are 2 parents here not just one. You speak as if your house will just magically save itself but with the help of others involved alongside you and your DH

If there are 2 of you, you have 3 children, no option of improviing income and increasing work prospects as you have the land and house to keep, then you have made your situation sound untenable. So in effect really, you can't really keep the house. You mentioned "another contract". When, and how long will that contract be?

Im self-employed in arts field. I love what I do. But there are specific times in the year that are slow period for what I do. I can't depend on contracts coming is as they may not be as regular, or as "big" as I anticipate. In those slow periods Im registered with an agency and I will take any work going - as I have done since my DDs were little - because we have to live. In an ideal world Id do my arts work alone, and wait for contracts to come in. Which they do - and of course, times are better. But I will not deal with the uncertainty of that - because I have a family.

You just don't sound realistic. You want to keep the lifestyle you have now, which is not sustaining your house, and don't appear to notice the imbalance in your equasions

I used be very envious of people who lived in houses like this, and then I became friends with someone who lives in one and understood what a great responsibility they are and what money pits they can be. Made me thankful for my very average family and my small, modern home.

MistressDeeCee I'm not sure you are reading the OP's posts at all.

We needed a loan when we moved in here to get essential work done on the house (front wall was falling off). The bank said no, but NFU were fine. We're paying the last of the loan off in April!

So you can't get one from the bank, doesn't mean you can't get one somewhere else. Phone round. A lot. It took me about 3 days of phoning round.

Then you have to think about long term. What if your dh can't get back into his industry? He can't get down to London to pitch because of his job, but he can't get out of his job until he wins a pitch, so how's it going to work?

What about you? Can you put more time into a salaried position, earn lots and he becomes SAHD?

In the end, you have to think about the sense of hanging onto a property you can't afford because a person who is dead wanted to give it to you, or having a life and a comfortanble place for your children to grow in.

I really do hope that you manage to hang onto the house. My friend owns a similar house; it has been passed down father to son since the 16th century. It's a small cottage though, and he lives in London and can just about afford to keep it.

I haven't read the whole thread, but is it likely that you will eventually get things sorted / the house maintained/ get yourselves free of debt? If not, I would be worried about my own DC ending up with the same predicament and ending up in debt because they have to maintain a house they feel duty-bound not to sell. Surely your mum and grandparents would not have wanted you to not live with this stress? It's only a building but you and your DC have one life. If I was in your position, I think I would try and sell.

*would not have wanted you to live with this stress

I know someone asked earlier but I don't think it got answered...what do you see happening to the house after your death, given that you have three children?

Do you have many off road riding routes in the area OP? If not, you could potentially speak to these people about setting up a toll ride on your land.

www.tollrides.org.uk/contact.html

The website is apparently being redone so you'd need to get in touch, but no harm in asking.

Have you thought about putting aside some land to build some park homes (new name for static caravans) as they seem to be a big thing now. There seems to be good money in it just now - I guess because people are using these to live in rather than buying a house just because they are cheaper than houses. We have a park near us and the guy can't put them on his land quick enough, some of them cost a whopping 300K, they are absolutely stunners though. Most of the std ones are 60k.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake - sorry, didn't answer.

I have no idea yet. I'm hoping I've got a few years yet.

I guess we'd probably want to talk to our kids as they get older and work out what they would like to do. Ideally, if the house can be made self supporting and the business work, it would be all turned into some kind of trust which can be administered by the family instead of passed on as private property which then has inheritance tax etc. But that's a very vague idea right now.

My will currently leaves it all to my oldest, but I don't know if that's the right thing to do. He might not want it. I really don't think I'm going to make any major decisions about that right now, however, until things stabilize a little bit.

1. Get pet insurance.

1. Tell your Dad that you're going to have to sell the car the repay a debt of X amount, from having the dog treated. You dad may or may not offer to loan you the money at the same rate. Don't ask him outright.

1. Do something extra lovely as an apology for this friend who leant you the cash.

1. If needs be, sell the car and buy a much cheaper one.

Beaufort's advice is excellent. But I do think you need to think longterm and ask yourself some tough questions.

what are you saving this house for? Does your eldest DC want to inherit? How will the future of your business/home work? Family businesses (and this is what you've got now - a collection of family businesses) fail most often because of issues passing onto the next generation. What's your retirement plan?

If you sort all that out, you need to build up enough of a reserve to stop this happening again. Old buildings do this (christ - even my 100 year old house is a bit wobbly at times and costs ££).

Honestly, I don't wish to rain on your parade but you have to be a bit hard-headed and stop living hand to mouth. Otherwise all you're doing is passing your kids a huge money pit with a side order of guilt. And I don't think that's terribly fair

'It wasn't the kind of 'repairs that always come up' - more 'once in generation problem facing medieval building'. '

The thing is, this can and does happen more than once in a generation with buildings so old. Just look at the Earl of Cardigan, he had to sell the family land and house that had been theirs since Norman times. It was just too expensive to keep up.

Wolf Hall? That had to be split up into flats.

I agree with those who say you need a far more realistic plan for the future, including a really good look at long-term, full-time employment for at least one of you that is not freelance, it's hard to get a loan in that type of setting.

And an advisor to help you economise.

You can barely afford the house, please don't get another pet.

Glad you patched it up with your friend.

I can seriously emphathise with you. We have a 300 yr old house with a lot less acres than you, and have collected too many pets. The house is a money pit. It was partially inherited family property but we have a small mortgage too. I cancelled the pet insurance two years ago as they were excluding more and more things despite me never having claimed. I worked out that I'd spent £10k on premiums in the last decade. So I put a few k aside and stopped the insurance. In Autumn the dog broke, needing X-rays, and this week my slightly lame horse has also had X-rays and revealed a bone issue. This week's bill is £1k and there's probably a lot more to come! This horse will never b able to b sold, my other horse is too old to sell. My husband's business, which doesn't pay much anyway is on the edge of folding. He can't search for other work just yet as he is waiting for an operation. Sometimes I could sell up and run away to a smaller, cheaper, more modern house, but this house and animals are my soul! I've thought out/tried a lot of the things people have suggested, but many of them wouldn't make money and others would need tens of thousands to set up. So I don't know the answer, but I wish you the best of luck!

OP I completely get your reluctance to part with the place because of a rough patch, but what happens when life throws up the next set of curve balls? Ideally, rather than living hand to mouth, you need a financial cushion against possible future difficulties, and it's just not there, either now or in immediate prospect, is it?

The years have a horrible habit of slipping by, and if you end up eventually needing expensive care the house might be forfeit anyway. Obviously only you can decide, but in all honesty is it really worth all the stress of keeping it on?

I don't think you have been unreasonable but I also don't think your friend is either.

If you have land and in a touristy place, could you rent the land out to campers? People like Guides and Scouts are always looking for places to camp and it could be a good income for you with very minimal input.

Alternatively, you say it used to be farming land. Could you maybe offer it to rent again to local farmers?

'My will currently leaves it all to my oldest, but I don't know if that's the right thing to do. He might not want it. I really don't think I'm going to make any major decisions about that right now, however, until things stabilize a little bit.'

But this has been your standard MO for some time now from teh sounds of it, and it isn't working.

Your will really needs to take into consideration everything because no one has the promise of years and years or indeed, any time at all. If you're low on funds, you need to look at Will Aid pronto. This is very, very important in your situation.

You have been pinging round like a magpie. Beaufort talks sense. You don't want to confront these issues because it's uncomfortable. That's understandable, but burying your head in the sand just doesn't work in your situation. And may end up costing you everything.

I live in an area with hundreds of properties like yours. I don't envy any of those owners a bit. What a fucking millstone. A lot of them have gone to ruin, too, or the children have sold up. Just happened with a substantial property round here. Four surviving adult children and one seriously disabled. They had no desire to live in the area as there is so little work in the area and they had already made lives for themselves away from there and had kids who didn't want to live there, plus they needed the money to look after their sister. The days of keeping these places are rapidly moving into the past.

You need to get a serious grip on this because it won't take care of itself.

My apologies if I upset you or opened a can of worms. >>hug