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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to tell my dad his will upsets me

309 replies

Scootering · 12/03/2016 13:54

My dad married my step mum 20 years ago. He sent me a copy of his will recently and in it, he doesn't mention me or my siblings. Everything goes to my step mum. She has one daughter and I guess it will all go to her eventually.

He has recently come into a large sum of money and his estate will be over 1 million. I have a tiny house with a massive mortgage: retirement etc is never going to be an option for me.

I'm remarried with a step family, but my will reserves a share of my estate for my children.

AIBU to want to tell my dad that his will upset me? Or should I just accept it?

OP posts:

harshbuttrue1980 · 12/03/2016 17:25

I agree with Vandree. The Stepmother here is not some golddigger who just walked into your Dad's life. They are long term partners, and will have planned for their lives together. Presumably, your Dad provided for you when you were growing up, and that was his time to do that. Now you are an adult and are (hopefully) working and independent, he has more obligation to the wife who might well be frail and elderly by the time he dies than to you, who will hopefully be healthy and able to improve your own situation.

I doubt he sent you the will to hurt you. It sounds like you have always assumed that you were going to be rich when your dad died, and he probably wanted you to know the truth so that you don't count on that in your financial planning. I have a friend who had a similar situation - she had never bothered with a pension or savings etc as she assumed she would be in clover when her parents died, and they left most of their money to charity. He might also have been worried that you would have contested the will if you thought you were entitled to his money, and that would cause problems for his wife.

I would definitely not mention it again. His will, made in sound mind, is his choice.

Don't see it as a lack of love for you. Money isn't love. He will probably pass on some family mementos to you, watches, wedding ring etc, and if you genuinely love your dad and not just his money, those will mean more anyway.

Oakmaiden · 12/03/2016 17:25

When my grandfather dies he left everything tied up so that it was his wife's to use while she was alive but when she died it passed on to his children.

Topseyt · 12/03/2016 17:26

Given his rather curt reply, I would be wondering about the wording of your stepmother's will, though I highly doubt that you will be given this information.

He has not put any of the right clauses or trusts into place to protect you or your siblings at all, which is at best naive. Would any solicitor worth their salt really have advised him to go about it this way? I doubt it. It does potentially smack of SM pressure, though you know her and we don't.

fastdaytears · 12/03/2016 17:28

If they aren't using a trust then surely the SM is taking exactly the same risk as the OP's father? What if the SM dies first and all goes to the father?

lorelei9 · 12/03/2016 17:28

fast "we've got no reason to think there would be an intestacy. "

well, that's a best case scenario! Otherwise the alternative is SM already made a will which leaves money to her partner and daughter.

if OP has been shown this will, would she not also be shown a will by SM which has OP in it? Either SM hasn't made a will - or doesn't want OP to see it.

are you going with the "trust SM" scenario, I guess you must be. As I say, it's possible OP's dad is doing the same but when someone refers to "real" grandchildren, I think it's fair to worry that they will not see step children as "real" children.

fastdaytears · 12/03/2016 17:29

How would an intestacy be the best case scenario and why does SM have a partner?

lorelei9 · 12/03/2016 17:30

fast "If they aren't using a trust then surely the SM is taking exactly the same risk as the OP's father? What if the SM dies first and all goes to the father"

we cross posted.

this risk is exactly what makes me think SM might already have a will.

fastdaytears · 12/03/2016 17:31

are you going with the "trust SM" scenario, I guess you must be

Well no because this is my job so I'd really rather people spent money on more sophisticated drafting and I could bill them more. I have never in way too many years of lawyering told anyone to trust their spouse to benefit their children. But the clients who ignore me are not terrible people and actually it works out in a good % of cases.

lorelei9 · 12/03/2016 17:32

fast - in that case I'm a bit puzzled what you think the OP should do.

I wouldn't be able to leave a difficult discussion in the hope that it just worked out.

Topseyt · 12/03/2016 17:35

Incidentally, my parents have set up their wills as Oakmaiden's grandfather did. DH and I have also done the same.

It means that any property etc. passes into trust on first death, allowing the remaining spouse to continue living there without impediment. On the death of the remaining spouse, the property then passes in equal proportion (well, that is what we have said) to the children, etc. etc.

OP's father's will doesn't appear to say anything like that. She has no protection at all as things stand.

expatinscotland · 12/03/2016 17:35

'He will probably pass on some family mementos to you, watches, wedding ring etc, and if you genuinely love your dad and not just his money, those will mean more anyway.'

Sure they do. So did you see those family mementos to you in his will, OP, because, if not, you still get nothing. That's right: if you are hurt by this, it's all your fault for not valuing him just for love.

I'd write back what Josie said.

Along with Helmet's post as the final line.

You don't owe him emotional support.

He lets your SM say horrible things in front of you, like 'the real grandchildren' bit.

fastdaytears · 12/03/2016 17:38

Of course she should speak to her father. Where did I say she shouldn't? Are you confusing me with another poster?

My issue is the people on here saying that she has definitely been disinherited. That will annoy the father if actually he has spoken to the SM at length and they have a plan. Whatever plan they have is risky for sure and needs addressing but not by accusing him of having cut her out.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 12/03/2016 17:38

Just checking but assuming you are in England not Scotland? (You cannot entirely disinherit your dcs in Scotland)

lorelei9 · 12/03/2016 17:40

fast, I see, thanks for clarifying. I thought you were saying to just assume that she hasn't been disinherited.

Certainly I wouldn't go to her dad accusing him of it but I'm afraid it does sound like that is what has happened - or he is "hoping for the best".

BombadierFritz · 12/03/2016 17:41

I like RandomMess' email suggestion. Definitely spell out to him that you will not be getting any money off him via sm as things stand. I would be cutting him off over this but because of his self centredness. Very sad for you :(

fastdaytears · 12/03/2016 17:43

It doesn't sound to me like what's happened at all, and I wouldn't go annoying someone who's writing a will which may or may not have me in it, but I do think SM sounds spectacularly unpleasant and the father has failed to take any steps to protect his daughter's interests,

StatisticallyChallenged · 12/03/2016 17:43

What SmallLegs mentions above re Scotland is true - children are entitled to 25% of moveable estate in Scotland. This might be changing in some way as there's been various consultations about it, but at the moment children can challenge any will where they are disinherited.

Vandree · 12/03/2016 17:46

Depending on the ages of the OP's DF and SM an estate of 1million is not a lot. Not really if you take into account that this could be tied up in a house or a pension and not just sitting in an account somewhere. My parents estate is well over 2million if they were to die today. But they are only mid 50's and have hopefully a long life ahead of them and their estate compromises of funds to purchase pensions at retirement and the property they live in. If my father started dividing up their estate between my mother and children only my mother loses out. Do we take her pension and house? Their wills are written to benefit each other and then us if both die. DH lost both his parents within a few years of each other. His mother left her estate to her husband and her husband left it to be divided between the children 2 of which were in full time education living at home so there were added provisions for those younger two. Should my husband could have contested his mothers will to get his share of her estate, no as it would have been to the detriment of his father. Or with his fathers estate looking for his share of his younger siblings extra provisions?

I realise with step parents and siblings things are different. Its an awkward position for everyone to not step on toes and while the SM has alluded to her step children not being her "real" children it doesn't mean that they aren't provided for in her will. So while I agree that her father should leave his wife his estate its really up to the SM to decide what way to to write her own will. He may be under the allusion that she is planning to provide for all children in the relationship. But again 1million isn't really a lot when other things are taken into account. Id hope that the OP will see something out of her father estate in fairness to her but it isnt a right. I know in some countries 2/3's of the estate go to the spouse and 1/3 is divided up between children when no will is in place so it could be contested in a situation like this

AKissACuddleAndACheekyFinger · 12/03/2016 17:50

My husband and I have children together and he has children from his previous marriage. He is also fifteen years older than I am. Our will is pretty much the same as this. If I die, he gets our estate, if he dies, I get it. It's not us being mean to any of our children or 'disinheriting' them, it's ensuring that the one of us that survives still owns our house, has our savings, has our assets. We will then have to write up another will and we would both split the estate equally between the children. I'm not an evil step mother, the will wasn't engineered by me alone and I have no intention of not giving anything to my step children but, equally, our assets have been earned and saved by us, not by our children so we could leave it to the cats and dogs home if we so wished, surely? I don't think you've said why your dad sent you a copy? If it was to be spiteful, then that is the issue that needs to be dealt with. If it's because you're an executor then it makes sense....

This won't be a popular post, I'm aware, but felt I had to post as our will says the same and there is no nastiness intended. Could this be the case for you?

VertigoNun · 12/03/2016 17:51

@ the people who think a DM who calls ops family not real grandchildren, will look after anyone not blood to SM.

captainproton · 12/03/2016 17:51

Having been disinherited by my mother when she died I know how it feels. But I am an adult, my mother was only 55 and I was nearly 30. It would've been really useful to me but alas it wasn't meant to be. I actually don't feel any bitterness anymore it was her money she should choose, although my choice would be for our children to inherit eventually. But anyway I was not a dependent when my mother died, If my mother had made it into old age (she did not die of an illness) I would have not been too far behind her and really pinning your hopes on an inheritance windfall to see you right in life by that point has got to be foolish. Most people will see their parents make wills when they have money, then watch as it gets spent in old age.

I am my DH second wife and I am younger, but not an OW or gold digger. I will leave my DSS a share no matter what, but seeing as I am not old enough to be his mother it maybe I live to an old age, lots of 90+ year olds in my family. He may not inherit until his 80's. I may even outlive him.

Our assets are the marital home and seeing as I paid a massive part of the deposit I would be pretty pissed off if my DSS or my children expected me to become homeless in order to give them a share of their fathers estate upon death. They will just have to wait!

Perhaps it's best in step situations to pass on wealth when alive, and then there is no bitterness?

VertigoNun · 12/03/2016 17:51

*SM

VertigoNun · 12/03/2016 17:53

@ the SM making a will with no clause in stating it's not being mean.

Helmetbymidnight · 12/03/2016 17:55

No one is saying it's a 'right'

The df inherited his wealth - he didn't just "work hard" for it but rather than making provisions for his kids he's leaving all that to his dw who says the op is not a real relative!

That's what a crap father does.

All this 'it's not about love' of course it is- who would intentionally do that to their kids?

And to most of us, an estate of a million IS a lot.

BombadierFritz · 12/03/2016 17:58

akissacuddle in your case you are planning on the surviving spouse changing their will. If you dont, then his kids will be disinherited as all the money will go to your kids. Or you could remarry and it all goes to the new spouse?

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