To think you just cope

[iwantmyownbaby]

When you have a baby, even if circumstances aren't ideal?

You cope.

You adapt.

You get by.

It's not all awful?

Or is it?

Yes, you just cope. Lots of people have babies in less than ideal circumstances. The important thing is that there is enough love for the baby, and that it will be physically cared for. Whether that's in a bedsit or a mansion, with one or 2 parents, is irrelevant to the baby - it just needs to know that its needs will be met and to feel secure.

Well no. Sadly not everyone copes.

Well, some people don't cope. It depends on the circumstances.

I'm trying to just cope and muddle by in the desperate hope that things get easier in time.

Yes largely you do. I had a baby in less than idea circumstances. We managed

I think you give it your best try, it's not always as easy as that though. But yes if you are talking about not living in a big house or having 10k in the bank, you cope.

When you say don't cope, do you mean the child ultimately ends up going into care, or something else?

The thing is it dies depend on so much.

My point is that assuming that women can just 'cope' whatever can be a dangerous thing.
Some of us need help for whatever reason - circumstances, finances, in particular mental health.

We can be a well intentioned as we like but it's not a failure to find the struggle to hard. Trying to cope is admirable but having a baby and loving it won't overcome illness or depression etc.

Everybody tries to cope, but sometime life can just hit you in the head with a baseball bat and floor you.

I don't think 'not coping' is a sign of weakness - it's a sign of being human in trying circumstances.

X-post

No one with any sense is going to talk to you about children going into care -or anything else -unless you describe the kind of difficulties you are talking about.

What caprini says. I coped but I needed professional help to cope with my PND. Kids need love and care, not much else, the parent(s) often need lots of help in order to cope. There's no shame in that IMO.

Oh definitely - but I mean, if you wanted a baby and people kept throwing curveballs your way like 'what would you do if XXX' - would I be unreasonable for thinking 'don't know - get on with it as best I could'

I'm middle aged, middle class, educated etc. I have vast resources of support around me and a wonderful partner.

I didn't cope with having a newborn, I fell apart and lost my mind. I'm fine now but still on the tablets.

Is there something you need help with? This is a great place for support.

Depends on the circumstances.
Sadly not everyone can cope, but a lot more people would get the help they needed to cope if they reached out.
If it's financial/house related then yeah, you will cope, we did!
If it's MH related then there is help.
If it's relationship related then there is also help, but if the relationship is abusive then it'll be so much more difficult, but again....there is help.
And only in extreme circumstances would they consider removing a child, and only after working hard with the parents, and with lots of chances.

Just trying to decide whether to have a baby or not :)

And I'm really sorry for those who have had depression

It's horrible. I've never had it in a clinical sense although I've met the criteria but following specific circumstances such as bereavement if you see what I mean. It's awful the way it has you thinking everything in life is bad.

What's meant by 'coping'.

Just coping isn't usually good for Mum or Baby/toddler, all around me, deprived part of Liverpool, I see parents 'coping', their children are to an extent not having their needs met, including emotional needs.

I used to be a CP SW, as far back as when we used to run the CIN plans, some people certainly don't 'just cope', or rather they do, but their children suffer.

Shit happens and sometimes you've got to get on with it, that's different. I've never understood the attitude of 'you've made your bed now lie in it', of family members. I don't understand why you wouldn't give support, so there's better outcomes.

Making a decision to abort, is personal, so from that perspective, no-one has the right to put forward the view that 'you'll cope'.

It's the best thing you'll ever do....but also the hardest. Your body will be knackered after the birth, you'll get stretch marks, you'll get no sleep for a few years, you'll be 100% responsible for another human life, for 18 years. It's a huge commitment.

What is it that is making people suggest you may not cope?

Working full time, no immediate support.

I'm a perinatal mental health nurse. Most women do cope as in survive and get through the day but some women become extremely unwell after birth which is why they have Mother and Baby units. Often, the staff will do a lot of the baby care themselves initially or with mum but at least she isn't completely separated from her baby.

I think in general you are right - people (women and men) are often stronger than we think we are and our capacity to cope grows to the magnitude of the task before us. People who have newborn triplets or kids with multiple special needs seem superhuman in their ability to bear such a load but they started out the same as everyone else. When you need more strength because life just got more complicated, often you do find it somehow.

But pp are right - just because this does often happen doesn't mean it always happens. There should never be any shame in saying "I'm not coping and I need some help"

Why do you want a child?

Working means nothing but no support is a problem.

I have no immediate support and I'm battling pnd alone. I am really finding it hard to get through each day.

To love rid, to be a mother?