To think you just cope

[iwantmyownbaby]

When you have a baby, even if circumstances aren't ideal?

You cope.

You adapt.

You get by.

It's not all awful?

Or is it?

Some people cope, some don't for a variety of reasons.
I think there's more understanding, support and help available nowadays than there was when my older DC were babies IMO.

If you are working you have to have a plan to cover when a child is ill, because most children have the usual childhood illnesses.

You can't plan for the totally unexpected but illness or providing support through the issues of the school years is to be expected and so planning for it is not unreasonable.

You can never tell what will happen in the future but I think you can prepare as best as you can. If you want to have a baby I advise you look at it practically. Do you have enough money; could you afford fulltime childcare/to reduce your working hours; do you have space in your home; do you have anyone you can rely on in emergencies or someone you can pay to help. (I'm assuming you're talking about being a single mum).

Also bear in mind pregnancy can be very hard on you and the first weeks after giving birth you can be quite weak and sore so you might need someone to help look after you during that time. It is also hard going being with a little baby all day long. I found it easier than many people do but I was still desperate for my dp to get home from work so I could have 5 minutes to myself. Of course if you don't have anyone you can get by, but it will be hard.

Apart from the mental health issues - yes, for the most part you just cope with whatever curve balls get thrown your way. But what people asking you what you will do are trying to make you think about are the risks of just coping and what that ultimately means for your life and your child's life. And possibly they're also thinking what it will mean for their lives if you end up coping by calling on them to pick up the slack (or if they feel obliged to help you cope whether you ask them to or not). Because the UK does not make things particularly easy or fun for mothers and children.

So if you don't have much in the way of resources (money, strong relationships with people who are willing to help you support a child, good mental health, etc.) or if what you have is not on a very solid foundation, it's probably wise to shore that up first before you get pregnant because it will be a lot harder to do after a child arrives.

But having a child will always have risk. So if you're unlikely to improve on your lot then you just have to ask yourself whether a good life for yourself and a child is likely.

For some people, having a baby in itself can lead to not coping, e.g. post partum psychosis. "You just cope" isn't always true and not coping isn't necessarily a failure by the mother - no more than if she had cancer or a superbug and therefore couldn't cope.

But there are also other factors - abusive relationships, poverty, lack of support, overwhelming other responsibilities etc. that mean a baby could tip the balance and be too much for you.

I found having children brought a lot to the surface from my own abusive childhood. With my first baby, a boy, I "coped" OK though I was very anxious. My second was a girl and the effect was much worse - I expect because I was a girl myself and it just hit home how badly I had been treated. My anxiety became worse and I've been on meds for a while and had therapy. I cope well now, but without the help I wouldn't.

Because I'm from an extremely dysfunctional family, and DP's aren't much better, I've never had family support either. I think that makes a huge difference. If you are struggling or need a break and you can call on nice, responsible GPs or relatives to have your DC overnight, it must really help.

OP i think i get what you mean. When i told my DM that i wanted a 2nd child she seemed determined to put me off by coming up with dramatic scenarios and hints about it being somehow awful for DC1 and greedy of me to want another child.

(It was more about her than me, in our case. I wasn't supposed to do anything different to her and she'd only had one child. Me.)

Of course if everyone payed attention to scare stories about what might happen no one would leave the house let alone have babies! On the other hand it's wise to be realistic and honest with yourself about your own circumstances as you are bringing a human being into your world. It IS hard work and life is never the same again. There's no denying it.

(btw I had my DC2. And another 2 after that )

Epona, yep, these are the problems. Yet if I was pregnant and said I was worried about XYZ everyone would say I could cope.

I think when you have a child you do your best to cope as well as you can, you can't foresee all difficulties so I wouldn't not plan to have a baby because of what ifs. However, if I knew things weren't good just now but may improve in time them I would hold off planning a child and try to improve my circumstances first as any difficulties are likely to multiply with a baby.

I think having a baby forced me to cope with more than I ever imagined I could. I could never have predicted my wonderful marriage falling apart, or ending up in a mum and baby unit seriously ill, or social services being involved due to that. I was the one EVERYONE trusted with their kids, cood over how naturally maternal I was bla bla, worked in childcare.

It stretched me beyond my wildest imagination because you have such an emotional investment you don't have in anything else in life ever really and a responsibility that again you can't practice in any other relationship - it's totally unique

With the best will in the world under the apparently perfect circumstances - some won't cope

And under the worst circumstances - others will

I don't think anyone can tell before they get there. You just have to do your best with whatever life throws at you

Well I just coped, but didn't have PND, so just good fortune that I was able to really!

Epona, yep, these are the problems. Yet if I was pregnant and said I was worried about XYZ everyone would say I could cope.

to be fair if you were already pg, there would be no point trying to make you aware of the what ifs. Too late them.

I actively enjoyed (rather than coped with) being a single parent from when DS was 5 months, but this was largely because I made a few good friends with babies the same age, some of them single parents too.
My existing support network wasn't as strong as I imagined it would be. People without small babies have their own busy lives and aren't always available.
At that there was a lot of financial help that enabled me to retrain in a professional career. Not sure how much that has been reduced these days.
Ideally I would have had my DS under much better circumstances but he's turned out great and I don't regret it for a minute.
(Not sure what my point is actually lol).
If you are in an abusive relationship though, I would suggest ending it and finding a better person to have a baby with. You don't want to just 'cope.'

Well, I think yes mostly people do just cope but it isn't always helpful. I'm a bit of a 'coper' I guess so I failed to ask for help when I really needed it. I had a terrible nervous breakdown a couple of years ago as a result of not seeking help when things in my life were really bad. I'm generally OK now but it has had a long lasting effect and I wish I had realised that I couldn't/wasn't coping.

I don't think we talk enough about how having babies can be incredibly hard, for so many reasons. Whenever friends have children, they are taken by surprise at how bad they feel and how normal it is to struggle. If we were more honest about it being tough and about not always coping, I think people would feel less isolated and better placed to seek help.

Well, I sort of coped, but it wasn't great. I've just had my fourth baby and the difference is immense to when I had my first.

I think all the what-ifs do need to be factored in, although they aren't necessarily reasons not to go ahead. Look at this single parenthood lark as a project. Risks and issues need to be enumerated and back-up plans evolved. A vague expectation that you'll manage somehow is just not enough.

"When life throws you lemons, make lemonade." Great advice, as long as you have the recipe and some bastard hasn't just run off with your mixing bowl. Be prepared, and when there's a dependent child to consider, be triple prepared! Not always precise strategies for unlikely extreme events, of course; sometimes it is just as simple as keeping the health visitor's number to hand. You're a lot less likely to feel you're not coping if you know how/where to get help when you need it.

You would probably cope, provided you didn't have pnd or whatever but coping is pretty shit sometimes. Coping, to me, is trudging on, just keeping your head above water. I always coped. I feel awfully sad about it. Dd really deserved more than me just coping. Having a baby with no support is bloody hard, and not just in the first sleep deprived year where you're struggling to get a shower. But you'll be thinking what I thought when people said this to me. It can't be THAT hard. If you haven't been there you have NO idea and that's not a criticism, it's just true because how could you possibly know. I'm in a much better position now, I've built up a support network of other parents (harder than it sounds) and I found a partner who is awesome, we both work part time and share childcare and domestic stuff.

Pfft, cross-posted with a whole pageful. What they said, basically.

In a perfect world you should be as close as you can get to being 'ready' for a baby, (mentally, financially, physically) and at the same time understand and prepare for the fact that even when you've planned everything perfectly things can (and will?) go wrong. From the moment of conception until the day they jump in their car and move out!

But we don't live in a perfect world. If everyone waited till the 'perfect moment' to have a child i recon the human race would die out.

A married childless work friend of my DHs keeps quizzing him about how he feels about the amount of money it costs DH to feed his family. His DW wants to try for a baby. DH tries to explain that you don't think about your children in terms of how much they are costing per meal, like you might with a pet.

At the same time he's right to worry about whether he can 'afford' a child. It's a tricky one.

I have been on my own since before my twins were born (father didn't want to know) they are 5 now and I've done it all on my own (including working 4 days a week) I think you do 'just cope'

Generally, people's reaction when someone says they are thinking of having a baby is not to immediately come up with scenarios in which the person might not cope. Everyone has to cope with the illness of children, worries about schools, what-ifs surrounding relationships/work/housing etc but it isn't usually what people fixate on when speaking about pregnancy and motherhood. If this is the reaction you are experiencing, then it suggests that people are concerned and that your circumstances are not quite the norm. Is this the case?

I would say your username makes me think that its not a good idea.

"I want my own baby".

Its not just a case of "having my own baby". Its a human being that you will be entirely depended on by until its 18 or more. Childcare - that's pretty expensive, so that plus rent / mortgage pretty much takes up at least 1 if not 1 1/2 wages for most people, hence mothers going back to work.

How old are you? Do you have lots of friends having babies and you want the same? Why do you "want your own baby" now? I assume you are single? Do you want to meet somebody in the future and as far as I can tell, dating while with children needing babysitting etc is tricker than without. I am fully aware single parents do this, but they, in a lot of cases don't necessarily choose it.

Do you take no heed of your friends and family who are advising against it?

I don't think I mentioned friends or family.

It's just a username? No need to be so unpleasant.

Personally, I wouldn't choose to have a baby on my own with little or no support, or at all frankly. That's just me. However, you can't predict what is going to happen in the future. I had my DS in my 40's, in what I wrongly thought was a secure and happy marriage. When he was 2.5, ex-h had an affair and left. DS has autism. I cope, I have no choice, I also have very little support aside from my friends, no family nearby and his family have chosen not to be involved. He is barely involved, thus all the work as it were, is down to me (and my wonderful eldest DD). It's bloody bloody tough, I can't pretend otherwise. So, yes, I would say you do "cope" but also, you really must pick your battles. It's a difficult decision to make under your circumstances.

I don't think I mentioned friends or family. - so if it is not friends or family who seem to be suggesting you won't cope, then who is it - random strangers? Not usual, either way.

I thought it was an unvarnished post rather than unpleasant.