To think you just cope

[iwantmyownbaby]

When you have a baby, even if circumstances aren't ideal?

You cope.

You adapt.

You get by.

It's not all awful?

Or is it?

It sounds like what you're most concerned about is the practical stuff and logistics.

If this is worrying you, then you need to et out your pen and paper and do your research - finances, contingency plans, childcare, benefits and so on.

Your own physical and mental health isn't of huge concern of you, but oen of the biggest curveballs when you have no support is having a baby who turns out to be ill or have additional needs. That can be an emotional, logistical and financial nightmare, all on its own. And it's not something you can dismiss as very rare.

Lots of us have parented DC with illnesses, SN, disabilities, solo too, though yve and been okay.

Yes absolutely.

You still cope. You cope because you have to. Because what's the alternative? No one comes in to take over if you suddenly decide you'd rather opt out today...

After my 3rd DC, I didn't "cope" very well, at all. I am still suffering with anxiety and depression (and been on different drugs trying to get better) for over 2 years now.

I have good support and still I struggle.

You have no support and that is very concerning.

I had a DH, a beautiful house, enough money and close family support when I had DD and just about coped!

If it was as simple as:

support = cope

no support = won't cope

then it'd be easy peasy. Fact is, you don't know until you do it so you may as well just get on with it.

GooseberryRoolz - I agree that whether or not a person 'enjoys' being a single parent very much depends on how much they like their own company. I was lucky as I had friends in the same situation around a lot, but I'm very sociable (had always lived with friends) and I found the potential for isolation very hard, rather than the parenting aspects of it.

Someone else mentioned needing a little nuclear family, or not. I have a friend who thought long and hard about using a sperm donor. In the end, after counseling and talking it through a lot, she realised that she really wanted a partner and children, not children on her own. That was her. Everyone is different but it was good she put so much thought into her motivation.

My own parents had loads of support, and couldn't cope though.

You just can't tell.

Had Dd1 at 15 I coped with family help.

Had Dd2 at 38, when I was 7mths pregnant Dd1 died I've had to cope .

Nobody knows what life has in store for them. You've just got to keep going and cope the best you can.

So sorry coco xx

I had three DC in a 'stable happy' marriage with a supportive man. The marriage fell apart last year which is fair enough, relationships do naturally end sometimes. However said man is NOT so supportive anymore and I'm lucky if he has them for 24 hours a week. Pays bare minimum maintenance. I've had a fair bit of grief off him since he left also which was obviously him taking his guilty conscience for not being around as much as he knew he should be out on me... Just calling me up and ranting down the phone, accusing me of neglect because the DC had a bad cold, in winter .

I do just cope yeah. I feel like I mostly exist. I'm fortunate to have a supportive mother that lives locally, she helps A LOT. But if it weren't for her and also my phone for social media which is my biggest escapism from the madness I don't think I would've coped as well. Some days I don't think I cope, I still obviously drag myself through but I don't feel like I can do it anymore and want to scream. It's fucking hard. And if I think too much about what exh is getting away with I really do scream.

Life and its curveballs eh. Sounds horrid but I've been tested by the DC some days to limits where I actually completely understand how people just flip one day and do something really horrible to their DC. We look at those parents like they're monsters but I think if you coupled those kind of reaaaaally testing days with mental health issues and/or sleep deprivation it's pretty easy for someone to snap actually.

I think having three very small children would push anyone to the brink, especially without someone unsupportive making it worse x

All anyone can do is plan for the obvious (there will be times DC needs time off childcare/school, you will be exhausted for the first few weeks), and have some contingency plans for the more probable.

If everyone had to have a plan for every worst case scenario then no-one would ever have a baby. People with long running MH problems might cope well, and someone who has never experienced a day of depression in their lives may have severe PND and be unable to function for a while.

A friend's husband died of cancer when their son was six . There were days when she sat in the car after dropping him off at school and just sobbed and sobbed, then dried her eyes and went to work and got her job done and earned the money to pay the bills. She coped, others in those circumstances wouldn't have. Not something you can predict or plan for.

There are advantages and disadvantages to being a single parent. I would guess (never been a double parent!), being a double parent with a saintly, caring, responsible father would be great. But in reality many people's relationships have difficult patches when the relationship is as much a burden as a support (and babies often trigger that difficult patch). And being a single parent is way better than being a parent with an abusive partner.

Speaking to a counsellor might be a good idea though, to help you clarify your thoughts and expectations.

Also, I am adoptive parent and know many other adoptive aprents, many of whom are single. The assessment process tries to predict your ability to cope with the extremes of adoptive parenting (a range of special needs emerging, most children having experienced trauma/neglect/abuse and their behaviour reflecting that). There are plenty of single people who pass that scrutiny, and plenty of couples who don't. And plenty who decide to stop the assessment because they realise that they don't want the uncertainties - even if they could cope they wouldn't want to.

No, not everyone copes, that's where children are removed from parents, put into care, put up for adoption etc.

I kind of get what you are asking.

I know a lot of people who have extremely supportive parents and who will say "Oh I felt terrible so Mum had the kids for the day" or a friend of mine who said "I felt ill so I told DH to come home from work early." I've never had that (although DH is great when he is here he would never come home from work early if I was ill) - I just had to cope myself. Sometimes it was hard. Obviously not like being a single parent hard, but when I had DD, DS1 was in hospital with DH and we were both going to pieces, had just moved locally and no one in the family bothered to see if we needed help or came to see us (I couldn't even get any shopping). Actually BIL came to see me, bless him, but that was it. Even the bloody midwife said rhetorically "you're OK aren't you over the weekend?" and didn't visit when she knew I was all alone post CS with a week old DD, and DS1 and DH in hospital, and it was her flaming JOB to visit. But hey, I managed.

My DSis lives abroad and her DH died suddenly. She had no close family to support her. Other people's Mums would have flown out and stayed with her for 6 months to help. Not our Mum! Still, she coped. . .

Thanks - yes, I do think you become accustomed to just getting on with stuff.

So you have answered your own thread title