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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you just cope

168 replies

iwantmyownbaby · 08/03/2016 07:52

When you have a baby, even if circumstances aren't ideal?

You cope.

You adapt.

You get by.

It's not all awful?

Or is it?

OP posts:
Charley50 · 08/03/2016 08:29

And what are your circumstances? Paraphrasing from your op.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 08/03/2016 08:29

For your purposes the answer is yes iwantmyownbaby

I assume your backstory is simply that you want a baby and people keep telling you to wait/ re-think because you are single or don't have family support or your job is not well paid, or you don't have savings, or you are young (probably all of those?)

You would probably cope (obviously not everyone does if they have MH issues or PND or an abusive partner or an addiction or are homeless...)

It doesn't necessary mean you and any potential baby wouldn't be better advised to wait until you are in a more stable financial situation or have a partner (to share the emotional and financial load rather than for moral reasons) or whatever. But the much repeated cliche that "there is never a right time to have a baby" so you might as well just pick one of the times that isn't really, really obviously a terrible time is also true and all that...

Baconyum · 08/03/2016 08:29

It goes further than 'sometimes that's not possible' into expecting people to just 'cope' imho often actually leads to problems.

I 'coped' until I had a nervous breakdown. I had been told things like 'I don't know how you do it', 'you're so organised', 'I wish I coped as well as you' when actually I was 'coping' on 3-4 hours sleep if that, barely eating...but my house was spotless, dd well cared for, I was doing well at uni...so people had no idea!

The expectation that especially mum's 'should just get on and cope' is unhelpful and potentially dangerous to both mum's and children

Original poster
iwantmyownbaby · 08/03/2016 08:35

A lot of people are talking about mental health problems and I hugely sympathise but that's not really the case here?

OP posts:
Charley50 · 08/03/2016 08:37

What is the case then? Just tell it like it is, in your case.

GripingPain · 08/03/2016 08:39

With respect OP how do you know that won't be the issue? I've never had problems before and PND doesn't discriminate.

You've said you have no immediate support. That's a worry.

stumblymonkey · 08/03/2016 08:39

Well yes....as long as you don't have PND or other MH problems.

What is the point of the thread?

Original poster
iwantmyownbaby · 08/03/2016 08:41

I don't Griping but I don't have any known problems and so it doesn't seem like a reason not to have a baby - in case I subsequently suffer from them?

I could i know end up with pnd but to not have a baby at all in case it leads to depression seems a bit shaky.

OP posts:
Original poster
iwantmyownbaby · 08/03/2016 08:41

Ok stumbly I'll go

OP posts:
Caprinihahahaha · 08/03/2016 08:44

You don't have to go but you started a thread giving literally no information and then say 'well people are talking about mental health but that's not an issue'
With respect, how does anyone know that?

My mental health crisis was promoted by my having a child with disabilities. I had no issue pre his birth.

stumblymonkey · 08/03/2016 08:45

If nothing to do with MH problems....then yes, of course you just cope.

I spent a little while thinking we wouldn't TTC until we had our own, bigger house and a dishwasher!

I also worried about how on earth we'd manage pick ups and drop offs when I work FT and DP does too on strange shifts.

Then I realised I was being precious and once a baby came along we'd just find a way of making it all work.

GripingPain · 08/03/2016 08:46

I'm with other posters.

My MH problems are a result of a sleepless baby and no immediate support. Prior to this I've always been fine!

You said people are concerned that you have no support. What will you do if things get tough?

stumblymonkey · 08/03/2016 08:46

My first post wasn't meant to say you needed to go....just, we need a bit more to go on as to what you're trying to get out of the thread...

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 08/03/2016 08:48

stumbly the point of the thread is pretty obviously that iwantmyownbaby wants her own baby and wants to be reassured that she will cope.

TBH PND could happen to anyone and most of us do not consider it as a factor when deciding whether to have one, unless we have already experienced PND and are deciding whether it is worth the risk of going through that again. All the emphasis on MH and PND has been a bit OTT - I think because the thread title comes over as unintentionally belittling people who struggle to cope perhaps.

iwant only you know your situation atm, but if you want some more comprehensive answers rather than just people pointing out reasons why people don't "just cope" then you probably need to be a lot more forthcoming about your own situation.

tomatodizzy · 08/03/2016 08:48

In the grand scheme that is having a child, the baby stage doesn't last long, a year maximum. Having another person in your life and raising them is forever. For me support was vital after babyhood. Having and looking after a baby without battles of PND or seperation from a partner is actually pretty easy. Having support throughout the ins and outs of childhood can be a lifeline.

Original poster
iwantmyownbaby · 08/03/2016 08:51

Capri, I didn't mean 'shut up about MH issues' (I know you didn't say this!) but the thread was starting to fixate a little bit. I'm sorry if I sounded rude, this was not the intention Flowers

Sorry for being vague, but I just don't really want it to necessarily be specific. I get that sometimes there are really awful things that tear a family apart but my thinking is that mostly you get on with stuff. The 'what would you do when your child's ill/you are ill/you lose your job/your child's being bullied' - that's what I meant, you just get on with stuff as and when it arises.

Hope that makes more sense.

OP posts:
Baconyum · 08/03/2016 08:52

I've been a single mum 13 years. My dd was planned, I had a lot of support at the time or so I thought, I had no diagnosed mh issues all rosy...

Then I had a very difficult pregnancy medically, sbxh was useless, then we split and I was alone living far from any of my family/friends and doing uni full time.

You can't predict what will happen afterwards. You can plan as much as possible to have support and the right conditions.

Are you planning on being a single mum from the start?

OhForCodsHake · 08/03/2016 08:52

I had postpartum psychosis with DS1 and spent two months in a mother and baby unit. I felt I had fallen apart at the time, but ultimately "coped", with a lot of help and support. It was the last thing as expected as no MH history but it passed and I'm fine now. No probs at all with DS2 Smile. So yes, I'd say most people do somehow manage to cope, but perhaps not in the way they'd originally anticipated Wink

PovertyPain · 08/03/2016 08:52

Honestly? Even if you're in a relationship, that doesn't guarantee that you'll have support. You only have to look at all the poor women who are married to lazy, selfish, abusive assholes. No one can tell you if you will or will not cope. If you want a baby and have thought it through then do it. How are you going to get pregnant? Friend, stranger or spermbank? Have you thought about what you're going to say to the child when they start asking about their father and don't kind yourself that you'll do such a wonderful job they won't miss having one. Every kid wants to know where they're from. Good luck OP.

Katenka · 08/03/2016 08:53

The issue for me is (and this is my issue and why I wouldn't have a child alone, by choice. But does not mean it's right for everyone) I didn't see pnd coming at all. Even with fairly supportive parents and a wonderful dh. It knocked me for 6. I just about coped with support.

When ds was born I didn't suffer with PND, but ds wasn't well when he was born. Not sure how I would have got through that either without support.

You cope, until all of a sudden you don't cope anymore. You have to hope some catches it, before you get to that point.

I don't know what the answer is. I know for me, I wouldn't do it.

When people are making this choice there is no right or wrong. But I have seen many threads on here started by people who just haven't thought it through. Not regarding what happens if they get pnd. But the practicalities of having a child.

Not thought about childcare costs after the baby is born and they return to work. Not thought about what happens if the child is sick. Will their employer be ok with them taking a week or two off because your child has chicken pox. That type of thing.

Many people in LTR forget to factor all this is too. It's not exclusive to people having a baby on their own. But if you are on your own it all falls to you everytime.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 08/03/2016 08:55

tomatodizzy it depends on the child - my big "what if" would be what if you get a non sleeper... and there is no guarantee that sleep deprivation will end at 12 months old.

I'm just under 11 years into being a parent, but the extreme sleep deprivation with DC3, who didn't let me have more than 3 hours sleep (and rarely more than 2 hours) at a stretch until he was 2.5, has so far been the hardest part. I almost cracked as it was, and that was with a DH who was there all weekend so I could go back to bed in the day at weekends (breast feeding and his very long motorway drive to and from work meant I never wanted him to do week night duty in case he crashed the car).

BlueMoonRising · 08/03/2016 08:56

I didn't cope.

I had support (baby's dad and my parents).

I had no health issues (physical or mental). I had no history of depression or other ill health, but...

I suffered from PND - it was hormonal, so at certain times of the month I was a complete headcase.

I was lucky, in that a second pregnancy sorted whatever hormonal issues there were out, and I didn't have a recurrence. I dread to think what would have happened otherwise. I was very unwell.

I know someone that had a similar story, but she didn't have a second pregnancy. She ended up spending time in a hospital and getting treatment which did help - but it was a long recovery.

But yes, most people cope.

BlueMoonRising · 08/03/2016 08:57

That makes it sound like I think another pregnancy solves it. No. While that was the case for me, I know others who have suffered with PND after every pregnancy, including one woman local to me with three children.

Keeptrudging · 08/03/2016 08:59

I had DS in an abusive relationship. I left when he was 3 months old, was homeless/in a women's refuge in 1 room for the first year of his life. I had PND, little support, and was studying for the final year of my degree. I had a fabulous childminder, and whilst I would never say it was easy, DS was a very happy/secure baby despite all that. When I say that it's possible to cope, I am speaking from experience. It wasn't ideal, but even living in a chaotic refuge with multiple families, it was still possible for DS to have a happy, secure life. PND is common/treatable, I don't think many people decide to never have a baby in case they get it.

zzzzz · 08/03/2016 09:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.