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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you just cope

168 replies

iwantmyownbaby · 08/03/2016 07:52

When you have a baby, even if circumstances aren't ideal?

You cope.

You adapt.

You get by.

It's not all awful?

Or is it?

OP posts:
Original poster
iwantmyownbaby · 08/03/2016 09:43

Most people who have mentioned it seem to not really like being a parent much. I have to be non specific sorry. I probably won't bother but every now and again I think it might be nice :)

OP posts:
Original poster
iwantmyownbaby · 08/03/2016 09:43

It felt unpleasant. It upset me to read. But no matter.

OP posts:
HowBadIsThisPlease · 08/03/2016 09:44

"I didn't mean 'shut up about MH issues' (I know you didn't say this!) but the thread was starting to fixate a little bit. "

It's not fixating, it's just that "not coping" is something that is often manifested in MH issues. What else could it mean? It could mean that you and the baby starve or literally do not survive. That could happen, I suppose.

What is more usual is that circumstances (you don't clearly define yours but I'm guessing that some people think you will be practically / materially stretched if you have a baby) are such that you might physically be struggling on and successfully keeping yourself and the baby alive, but under such pressures and with such little relief that your mental health is damaged, perhaps permanently.

It's hard to advise you when we don't really know what you are talking about but I think people are trying to say that having a baby, if you haven't had one before, changes everything; and it is quite possible that it makes you extremely miserable if you don't have enough money or support. (which we can't judge for you.) For a very long time. It can happen and does. You can decide whether to call that "coping" or "not coping" but yeah, you might not be happy again for years. If ever.

Bungleboggs · 08/03/2016 09:45

Forgot to mention in previous post, I have no regrets whatsoever. I was told( when I was single and expecting twins)
You wont cope

You wont have any sleep

You cant afford it

Double trouble x 10000

None of the above are true! none

NannyR · 08/03/2016 09:46

In the past I have thought long and hard about having a baby on my own. In the end I decided not to go ahead, I figured that if I had a straightforward pregnancy, a normal, full term birth and a healthy baby, I would cope, it certainly wouldn't be easy but I would be ok, I'd be able to muddle through 'normal' childhood stuff like sleeping problems, taking time off work to deal with chickenpox etc.

But, I also looked at worst case scenarios, difficult pregnancy, premature birth, meaning I had to potentially take months off work, the baby being born with health issues, maybe v. long term issues which meant I couldn't work at all. The thought of having to deal with situations like these on my own, without the emotional support of a partner and also having to worry about keeping a roof over our heads at such a time, when I should be putting all my energy into caring for my child. I earn a comfortable wage (for me as a single woman) but I'm aware that it would only take 2 or 3 months of not bringing in a wage for things to start going downhill.

This was not the main reason I decided against going ahead, but it was a major consideration. I know that life is so unpredictable and it's a bit morbid to think of these things in advance, people cope admirably everyday with things you couldn't possibly have expected when you plan to start a family. But it wasn't right for me personally, could be different if you have a good wage, lots of savings, most importantly a couple of people around you (good friends or family) to share a bit of the load.

TheFormidableMrsC · 08/03/2016 09:46

Most people who have mentioned it seem to not really like being a parent much

No, I don't think that's true at all. I love being a parent. However, being a parent on your own 24/7, particularly to a SN child (another thing you can't predict) is difficult, draining, tiring. I adore my kids, my youngest brings me SO much joy. I am being honest about how it is though....

Stillunexpected · 08/03/2016 09:47

I probably won't bother but every now and again I think it might be nice - I am not saying this in an unpleasant way (just to be clear Smile) but I think if your attitude to having a baby is a bit take it or leave it, then probably best you don't have one at the moment!

CoughsNColds · 08/03/2016 09:48

I think generally, in the vast majority of cases, you do cope.

It doesn't mean its easy, though.

I hurled myself into the whole baby thing without much thought - I was madly in love and incredibly broody in that really weird, hormonal, irrational way.

I could never have imagined how hard I'd find it, to be honest. I got PND, but that was the least of it. I hadn't thought about the effect on my career, how we'd manage childcare or finances, the effect on our relationship (going from lovers to co-parents), the effect on my body, the effect on my social life, the real lack of freedom and onset of responsibility that having a child brings....everything changes. I hadn't actually realised that Grin. I was probably a bit thick.

My first child was diagnosed with autism at 5. No signs at all as a baby, it only really emerged in his late toddler years. Thats the thing, really. You dont just get a cute little baby. You get a child. A child that may have challenges, and even if not, that definitely won't always be cute and lovely and snuggly.

No regrets. I'm years down the line now, I have two DC, and its all good. But if I had my time again, I would have really thought things through a bit more seriously before taking the plunge.

PurpleDaisies · 08/03/2016 09:49

Exactly what I was going to post still.

Katenka · 08/03/2016 09:51

I live my kids and love being a parent. That doesn't mean it all been easy. It's bloody hard.

And it doesn't get easier as they get older. Something that surprised me with my first. She is now 12. She needs just as much support as she did when she was young. She is getting more independent so I worry more about where she is and what choices she is making.

Quite honestly if having a child is something you would think would be nice from time to time. It's maybe not something to do right now.

Branleuse · 08/03/2016 09:52

I think mostly people do just cope yes.

Not always, but usually

Pollyputhtekettleon · 08/03/2016 09:58

Unfortunately it can be too much. Just coping is fine if you can but children are very hard work and very precious so the combination and responsibility of that can be the breaking of people. It can lead to neglect and harm even from people who would never have imagined becoming like that beforehand. I know that I have been shocked at how they can make me lose my mind for a few moments when it all gets too much but I have a lovely home situation, no health or financial worries and unlimited support from dh and my family and his family. So me losing my shit gets sorted very quickly and doesn't do lasting damage to me or my children (ie I can count to 10 knowing that someone will be home in a few hrs or that I can call my MIL or mum if it gets too much). My final point is that just coping doesn't mean that you can be the kind of mother you dreamed you would become. Although it might mean that you all survive just fine. Surviving is fine but thriving and enjoying your years as a mother to children is so much better than just about holding the fragile strings together so if you have the choice to wait and get set up, I would do that. But life doesn't always give you that choice except in hindsight so your next option is to thrive in whatever situation you have and if that's not possible, to hopefully cope. But no, not everyone manages to just cope.

NickiFury · 08/03/2016 09:59

I know exactly what you meant by posting this OP but this is MN. Nothing some posters love more than a good nit pick.

In the circumstances you're describing yes you'd cope and probably mostly really enjoy it. It is hard work but as long as you go into it with your eyes open and realise that.

Sometimes it's actually easier doing it alone to be honest Smile

Original poster
iwantmyownbaby · 08/03/2016 10:01

Thanks Nicki :)

Still, I've purposely not said anything about me for that very reason (other than I have no known MH issues) :)

OP posts:
NickiFury · 08/03/2016 10:02

Well you said you work full time but have no close support and that you have no MH issues. So you've said a bit Smile

Original poster
iwantmyownbaby · 08/03/2016 10:03

:) true!

OP posts:
Rodent01 · 08/03/2016 10:03

Sorry if you thought I was being unpleasant, personally I was simply trying to be realistic and get you to see that the rosey "having a baby" was not the same as "bring a new life into the world who you are responsible for".

If its not friends and family who are telling you not to do it, then who is it?

And, by your last comment "I won't bother now" - are you referring to the "having a baby thing" as if 30 randoms on the internet have now put you off taking this INSANELY large life decision?!?

witsender · 08/03/2016 10:05

I am so confused. Someone came on and said they agreed with you, and you disagreed and told them that you hadn't told them anything about you? So do you want to be told that you will cope, or won't cope?

CoughsNColds · 08/03/2016 10:06

I'd think through the practicals, to be honest, OP. No doom mongering from me, but just think through:

  • how you'd fund and manage the practicalities of childcare
  • whether you'll have any practical help at all? babysitting, someone to watch the baby if you get the flu, someone to let you have a rest/bath etc in the newborn days etc

...that sort of thing...

I wish someone had sat me down and made me go through those sort of practicalities before I took the plunge!

Original poster
iwantmyownbaby · 08/03/2016 10:07

I'm not being drawn into an argument with you, rodent, if you want one go elsewhere please.

I've thought through everything but for some people it's never enough unfortunately.

OP posts:
justmyview · 08/03/2016 10:07

OP - You might be interested to read up on Donald Winnicott and "good enough parenting"

CoughsNColds · 08/03/2016 10:08

OP, if you've thought it all through and dont need any advice - whats stopping you? Go for it. You dont need the validation of a bunch of strangers...do you?

Original poster
iwantmyownbaby · 08/03/2016 10:09

I don't think I was asking for validation, but thinking most people cope as in, they get on with stuff.

That's it, really.

I definitely didn't want an argument but ones starting which is why I'm trying to 'wrap things up' a bit :)

OP posts:
Keeptrudging · 08/03/2016 10:10

Would you be entitled to maternity leave? I've had two babies 'by myself'. DS the circumstances were grim, I was back at University when he was 5 weeks old, loved being a mum but it was hard. DD I got maternity leave, I was able to be at home with her/breastfeed/generally just enjoy it for 10 months. It did make a huge difference to tiredness, and I had no PND.