To think you just cope

[iwantmyownbaby]

When you have a baby, even if circumstances aren't ideal?

You cope.

You adapt.

You get by.

It's not all awful?

Or is it?

If you feel your contribution was pointless Still I obviously am sorry about that although would respectfully point out the above post was perhaps more pointless than anything.

I had some useful advice and then started trying to wind the thread up to avoid a bunfight when it seemed that was what some posters wanted.

Yes and I forgot those types of factors Arpege
Other risk factors - history of loss in your family e.g. of your mother before age 11, lots of adverse experiences in childhood and THEN all the issues arising post-difficult pregnancies, pregnancy and infant loss and birth trauma.

And only a small number of women even with mental health issues don't "cope" in terms of avoiding the most catastrophic outcomes - but few would want to live like that and it's obviously not wonderful for kids to grow up with a joyless miserable mother if no help is available, even if all the basics are provided.

Hard to say, isn't it. I was born into circumstances I'm sure would be seen as ideal, more or less faultless, but it still all went horribly wrong.

Increasingly I just feel 'life's too short.'

No one wants a bun fight. It's just that when someone posts a very open-ended OP, designed to elicit anecdotal personal responses, coyly refuses to give out any personal details that might shape actual advice, and then decides to 'wind the thread up' when her deadline is getting closer when she's got the responses she wants, it does feel a bit... pointless.

You asked us whether you cope if you have a baby in less than ideal circumstances. If you live in a tent on the verge of the M25 and spent the last of your money on crack, probably not. If it means you'll need to convert your guestroom into a nursery. You'll probably get by.

On an unrelated matter, do you think I should buy this house I've been looking at? I don't want to tell you anything about either me or the house but it'll be OK right?

I understand that father. I can assure you I wasn't being 'coy' but a) didn't want responses that were designed to upset rather than to advise (and I'm sure most wouldn't but we all know some do) and b) was being mindful of privacy due to reasons I've explained in a PM.

Oyster, respectfully you've misunderstood. Everyone faces challenges with a baby, toddler and child - yes? What I'm asking is whether in those cases you cope, you get on with it, you didn't have a 'plan' first with how to tackle every possible obstacle.

Obviously we need to be sensible. Life insurance for example - if I die, there is life insurance for a child I might have. But the fact I might die is not in itself a reason not to have a child.

Likewise, try to be in optimum health, avoid smoking and drinking in pregnancy (I don't anyway) for a healthy baby. But if the baby isn't healthy - you manage somehow.

I hope this makes sense.

I don't think anyone can answer with all certainty as to whether or not you will cope.

My experience is that I did cope (very well) with a teenage pregnancy, abusive relationship, poverty and single motherhood.
I then went on to have another, years latter in 'perfect' circumstances.
I didn't cope as well as I thought I should have.

There are so many things that can go wrong. We choose to take a chance, or not.
Good luck whatever you decide to do op

Lol at 'nitpicking'. You have given us not one fact about yourself to pick at. Income, relationship and health status isn't nitpicking, it's the bedrock of your life. Without even the basics to go on, inevitably you invite people to fill in the blanks.

I think I've explained all that Morris - I don't want my life picked at, hence giving no details :)

My advice has changed after what I went through.

I just wanted a baby, but I thought I should be married first. I did that and made a right old mess of it. Now I know I would have been better off going down the sperm donor route and just doing it on my own. I wouldn't be trying to co parent with a selfish abusive tosser for a start.

There's no realistic way I would ever have used a sperm donor though, as even now it seems terrifying to have that much control over it - to take that firm decision. To go it alone right from the start, even though I was worse than alone anyway as I lived with someone who did nothing but abuse me.

I have friends going through the same thing now - in shit relationships and desperate to have kids. If it happened, they'd cope. I did. But fuck me it's easier to just do it on your own....

So you'll probably cope, but you can at least try to limit the obvious sticking points later on, like procreating with a twat....

Yes, procreating with one of those is never good

I really wanted a child, tried fertility treatments adoption process blah blah etc etc for 10 yrs and eventually became a solo mum via donor insemination. Although I was confident that I wanted a child....I don't think anyone believes that they are 100% sure that things are going to be perfect etc...but as long as you can offer a secure environment and the commitment to put the needs of the little one first...most people cope. Having resilience and going into situations with eyes wide opens helps. There will never be enough money saved, the right time job wise, etc to have a child....you just adapt, and do the best you can.

I agree with the you just cope is correct for most parents iwantmyownbaby although sometimes some women do have a hard time pnd etc and of course there will always be babies that end up in the care system for what ever reason.

For me and my husband we got pregnant very quickly, the baby was so wanted but during the pregnancy we did wonder how it would be as neither of us hadn't done this before would we be great or rubbish. Once our son was his (6months old now) we just coped I think your parental instincts just kick in you know what to do. Now his 6 months we are more than coping I feel like we are good parents and our baby boy is happy, healthy and a dream.

You ask if it is all awful or is it? You have days when you are stressed tired etc you just deal with that. when you look at that baby the love you feel is unexplainable. There is nothing like being a mum. It can't be bad as I am currently pregnant with baby number 2.

I don't know your circumstance and it's fair enough you don't want to go it to that on here, but you would get maternity leave from work if you have been there a certain amount of time? If you don't have much family so worry about support you could join baby groups make mummy friends.
If you don't have a support network it will be harder, me and my husband are lucky we have grandparents, aunts, uncles that are always more than happy to help any way they can.

It's true that you cope. Generally true, I mean. It's just that the idea of coping is different from the reality, which can be grindingly depressing drudge work.

However it's also filled with flashes of real and intense joy. And I'm not sure that the circumstances of the child's birth make much difference to the drudginess of it (unless you have kids with a lazy wanker). Money always helps though eh.

I think that's true in a general sense!

People talk a lot about support networks. One hears less about personal resilience.

I had quite a long stint as a single parent of two before I was 30, with money extremely tight and almost no support network (exh had developed alcoholism and my family of origin are an 'interesting' and far scattered bunch ) . It was tiring but I always knew that I could keep our little vessel afloat on my own (barring disaster and disasters can sink anyone, though we don't like to dwell on it).

OTOH, some people are not natural lone rangers and would do anything to avoid ever being in such a situation (they'd stay with the alkie, or repartner quickly or they'd move to be near the relative who lives in the rural area with no jobs, or try to extract support from unsupportive extended family). Some people in that stage of life could not get their heads around the fact (for example) that I had no regular babysitters so I NEVER went out. They just kept inviting me to things. people's concepts of 'norma' can be quite narrow.

My current DH goes abroad for work contracts of 4-5 months at a time. That doesn't bother me either but some people would clearly hate to be 'left on their own with the DC' in that way (as they never tire of saying ).

It's just different personality types and you already know which type you are if you think about it.

Tbh, there is no way you can plan that afr ahead all the issues having a child can throw at you.
I didn't plan to have PND, I didn't plan that dc2 had AS, I didn't plan I would develop ME.

Do you cope?
Yes in most cases you do.
Some times, you need some support to do so though or rather having the support means that things aren't as hard on your dcs (I'm thinking my illnesses there)

As for how you cope, again everyone does it in their own way. I. READ. A. LOT. Every book under the sun about parenting etc... until I felt I had a better idea of what I was doing.
Other people feel their way through, go om MN, speak to their friends, etc etc.
And then you just muddled through because you have no other choices than to do so!
Some people will tell you that it's their love for their child that has carried them through it all.

Finally, it is worth remembering that happiness in people dips when they have children and inl;y goes back up when they live home...
Which tells me that, yes having a child can be a great pleasure but it's also a big responsibility, a lot of work and endless worries (some small, some big)

BTW every 'intended single parent but don't want to discuss' thread just screams 'sperm donation' now. It's becoming a genre

Good luck, anyway, whatever you're contemplating

If it's sperm donation then go for it.

Unequivocally.

But I do see a large chunk of women around me who flounce out the line of "I can't cope !" and have the one dc. One in particular could not cope at all but had a cleaner for the house and didn't do any cooking, she just resented not being able to go where she liked when she liked and thought it was unreasonable of her baby not sleep for more than 5 hours at night. You just have to cope and get on with it.

This upset me. Some people would find coping with one harder than coping with more than one. Others would find less easier. How easily you cope isn't related to the amount of DC you have.

A woman whose lost interest in her housework, cooking and feels trapped and stressed by the baby not sleeping as much as she hopes - sounds like a woman with PND - especially if also verbalising that they can't cope

I quite resent not being able to go where I like when I like. It's certainly a shock when you first realise the truth of it, PND or not. Not very supportive - or indeed useful for anyone else feeling like that - to slag someone off for it (I know you were quoting Septemberflowers pigeonpoo)

On an unrelated matter, do you think I should buy this house I've been looking at? I don't want to tell you anything about either me or the house but it'll be OK right?

You are a wag OP

Dc bring up different challenges all the time and yes you do cope somehow. What you have to think about is what kind of life am I giving them. Babies don't need much - all they're aware of is are their basic care needs being met, are they loved. But a school aged dc needs stability, a reasonable roof over their head, enough food and clothes, someone willing to spend time with them. Lots of people are brought up without those things and do fine. But for me, I wouldn't have gone into it without being relatively confident I could provide that. Because to me that would be pandering to my needs and not the dc's. Everyone is different however. I'm not much of a risk taker.