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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you just cope

168 replies

iwantmyownbaby · 08/03/2016 07:52

When you have a baby, even if circumstances aren't ideal?

You cope.

You adapt.

You get by.

It's not all awful?

Or is it?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 08/03/2016 10:11

I've thought through everything but for some people it's never enough unfortunately

I don't get it-you've shared almost no details but it sounds like you're wanting everyone to say "yay-go for it!". It's your decision. If you want people to give you any reasonable advice you'll have to share more than you have. If not, that's totally fine but if you're wanting a cheerleader thread I don't think this is the right way to do it.

CoughsNColds · 08/03/2016 10:13

Well, no arguments from me.

You posed a question. You've had lots of interesting, varied responses.

Mostly people seem to be saying yes - people do 'cope'. I think? If coping means that the baby isn't taken into care/nobody dies/the worst possible outcomes dont happen - then yep, the majority (although not all) people do cope.

Original poster
iwantmyownbaby · 08/03/2016 10:13

No, purple I didn't mean Mumsnet. Believe it or not the decision isn't made on one thread but am trying to talk to as many people as possible. And I'm not sharing any details purposely :) I'm sure you see why!

OP posts:
WBDmadness · 08/03/2016 10:14

Having read through the thread my impression is that the OP wants a baby but isn't necessary in the best position to do so. Whether that is an age, relationship or employment reason, I've no idea as OP hasn't given enough information.

OP wants to know if she had a baby now anyway, regardless of circumstance, that it'll be ok.

Also explains why she wasn't that keen on the post being full of PND struggles.

IMO if you can change the circumstances that make it less than ideal, then wait a short while to have a baby. Having a more secure environment will benefit both you and your potential future baby.

Can you cope if you go ahead anyway? Yes probably, but it may much harder than it needs to be.

Jux · 08/03/2016 10:14

Are you the type who adapts, manages and pulls through when bad things happen, or do you collapse and everyone around you has to step in?

Original poster
iwantmyownbaby · 08/03/2016 10:16

The former.

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 08/03/2016 10:19

People would be able to give more targeted opinions if you gave us some basic information. Do you have a husband or partner? What's your accommodation situation? Rented one bed flat or your own house for example? Are you worried about coping financially? Would you receive maternity pay? Your post is frustrating in its vagueness.

As you not sure you really want kids you might find it more difficult than someone who wants them more than anything. You'd still probably be fine. Most people cope.

MorrisZapp · 08/03/2016 10:19

You can't possibly compare people's reactions to a pregnancy to their reactions to you planning to have a child in difficult circumstances.

When a woman is pregnant and definitely going ahead with it, it would be pointless and pretty poor form to say 'but what about...'. The only socially acceptable response is to offer congratulations and support.

But assuming you're not currently pregnant, the people in your life may well have lots of very good reasons for thinking you are badly placed at this moment in time to be planning a family. And now is the time to he vocal, before its a done deal.

Whether those people are right or not we cannot help you with, as you haven't told us what their concerns are.

Original poster
iwantmyownbaby · 08/03/2016 10:23

Oyster, I'm not getting into it all, sorry, I don't want any attacks :) Thank you though.

OP posts:
Stillunexpected · 08/03/2016 10:26

And I'm not sharing any details purposely - I'm sure you see why! No, I don't think people understand that at all! You are asking for specific advise personal to you, without providing any of the relevant information which could help make an informed response. People can't possibly say whether you will or won't cope with nothing to go on. Your chances of coping will be dramatically different depending on your health, financial circumstances, housing situation, family or partner support or lack of, and a host of other considerations. I'm not sure what answer you want from this thread but whatever you take away from it will be meaningless without you providing some more context to the question.

fusionconfusion · 08/03/2016 10:26

I "coped" well enough ("got on and did", got up and tidied, fed baby, shushed baby, rocked baby, wiped bums, made meals, fed toddler meals while feeding babies, cleaned, wiped more bums, rocked babies to sleep, even played and sang), but if feeling totally miserable, flat and like a shadow of anything you ever were, that's not the ideal to aim for

This is why I had access to the perinatal mental health team.

fatherpeeweestairmaster · 08/03/2016 10:26

But I think some details are pertinent. Are you 28 and impatient, or are you 43 and time-limited? Are the people in your life unsupportive because they see a child as an emotional band aid for another problem, or are they generally unsupportive and unhelpful? Are you a broody oil rig worker with £150k of credit card debt, or a self-employed yoga teacher with flexible hours?

I'm sure it's not your intention but it's coming across as if you want a specific answer and are reluctant to offer any personal information in case it leads to an opinion you don't want. Saying 'do people cope on their own with a baby?' is a bit like saying, 'Do dogs swim?' The answer is, basically yes, but some much better than others, and not always happily.

SeptemberFlowers · 08/03/2016 10:29

YANBU - You just have to get on with it and cope. There will be a small proportion of people who genuinely will NOT cope. But I do see a large chunk of women around me who flounce out the line of "I can't cope !" and have the one dc. One in particular could not cope at all but had a cleaner for the house and didn't do any cooking, she just resented not being able to go where she liked when she liked and thought it was unreasonable of her baby not sleep for more than 5 hours at night. You just have to cope and get on with it.

Caprinihahahaha · 08/03/2016 10:29

The other factor of course is exactly who is suggesting it's not a good idea.

There are people I know who would say 'oh god no, you'd never cope. I didn't sleep for six years and it was so miserable' but I know that they are always dramatic and everything in their life is the worst or the best. They are not rational and I would not respect their view.
But if sensible people whose opinion I value were telling me to pause then pause I would.

Original poster
iwantmyownbaby · 08/03/2016 10:30

No, I'm not asking for advice, or for specific answers - Thank you. The responses have been interesting and helpful.

OP posts:
WBDmadness · 08/03/2016 10:33

As you aren't currently pregnant, then based on your resistance to share anything about your circumstances, it makes me think that it really isn't a good idea for you to have a baby.

Obviously you can't share why, but if it's because it's likely to lead to a lot of posts advising against it then you already know that it's not a good idea don't you?

Original poster
iwantmyownbaby · 08/03/2016 10:33

Thanks Caprini, you have mail :)

OP posts:
Arpege · 08/03/2016 10:33

yanbu, yes, you just cope. And you might not "cope" (PND etc) but then lots of women in great situations get PND so you can't worry too much about that either until it happens.

I had a baby when:

I was older than usual
My partner was crap
I had no family support
I had moved to a new town and had no friends
I wasn't earning anything

It was hard, but she's older now and things are great EVEN THOUGH since then I got divorced, moved twice, had two new jobs and now work long hours.

You cope.

Oysterbabe · 08/03/2016 10:34

Well this was pointless.

fusionconfusion · 08/03/2016 10:34

And incidentally "mental health issues" in perinatal illness form are quite often related to environmental factors/lack of social support.

Lots of women experience mh issues first in pregnancy because it stretches your "coping" bandwidth so if there are contextual factors in your life that might lead others to wonder if you would cope, you do need to think of how to arrange the environment (socially and psychologically) to maximise your chances of not having a miserable time of it.

It's only VERY RARELY strictly "medical" and out of the blue. The vast majority of maternal mental issues in the perinatal health period don't actually come out of the blue in the context of loving supportive relationships with no history of mh difficulties, addiction, relationship conflict or domestic violence, loads of friends around, lots of money, a clean cosy safe home and a much wanted baby.

So "fixating" on "mental health" in this context is HIGHLY relevant. "Not coping" when you have a baby becomes a mental health issue more often than at other times of life.

Original poster
iwantmyownbaby · 08/03/2016 10:34

WBD, one of the things I've learned is some people on Mumsnet ALWAYS give you a kicking :)

If we were all to be pre judged by Mumsnet before conception, none of us would have babies. It's like posting your child's diet - someone will ALWAYS nitpick!

It's the nitpicking I hope to avoid.

OP posts:
Arpege · 08/03/2016 10:35

My friend knew I was ttc and tried like mad to talk me out of it. Funnily enough just as I was about persuaded, that's when I got knocked up....

Can't regret my DC for a moment though, she's a wonder.

Original poster
iwantmyownbaby · 08/03/2016 10:35

Perhaps for you Oyster, it's helped me Hmm

OP posts:
Stillunexpected · 08/03/2016 10:35

Well this was pointless < this.

Arpege · 08/03/2016 10:36

I will add, in light of fusion's post that I had a super easy pregnancy, easy birth, pretty easy baby and now a pretty easy toddler.

Thank fuck.

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