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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider lending this money?

374 replies

metalmickie · 07/03/2016 21:05

My partner and I have been together for over 2 years. We don't yet live together. He's planning to buy a house shortly.

I own my own home, am fairly comfortably off, I earn an ok amount but I am lucky to have a fair bit in savings (£33k). My partner has a much better job (although he only started it in the New Year) and some savings, about £10k, but also £8k owed on credit cards etc. To buy a house, he could use his savings, however the mortgage providers have said that they'd take his existing 'debt' into account - and in doing so it would mean he'd only be able to borrow about £40k less (and therefore couldn't afford a property big enough for him and his DC).

So, we talked about it, and if I lend him £20-25k, he will be able to use this as a deposit (having used his own savings to clear the credit cards). His current credit cards have a total limit of £45k, so he would have no problem borrowing back the money thereafter to reimburse me, as soon as the house purchase was completed. His mortgage repayments even if he borrows the maximum he can, will be £200 less than his rent now, so he has no concerns about affording it.

WWYD if you were me?

OP posts:
Original poster
metalmickie · 09/03/2016 17:39

Thing is though if i took the approach of someone might be with me indefinitely simply for my money, how would I ever move on in life, ever have another relationship? Except with someone a lot wealthier than me, but then he might take that view of me.

I have sat by this man's side in medical appointments, at what was a horribly difficult time. He has supported me through my own issues and provided much help and assistance whenever I've needed it. No one can ever know another completely but I am as sure as i can be that he won't rip me off or steal my money.

That's not the same as saying i will lend it to him blindly though. I am exploring other options. I'm reluctant to do a btl. I don't want the weight of another mortgage plus given I already have a mortgage, and,would only have 10% deposit, I don't think it's a realistic possibility.

It was my idea, when he said he couldn't borrow aa much as he'd need.

OP posts:
FedUpWithJudgementalPeople · 09/03/2016 17:45

For what it's worth I don't think he's necessarily in it for the money or a con man, but I do think it could change the balance of your relationship.

It involves you more in his financial situ that you necessarily want to be at this point (given you are ruling out buying together at this point for financial and other reasons).

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 09/03/2016 17:48

As a rule, OP, I would say that money-sharing/loaning is appropriate when you set up home together, or get married.

It's an awful lot of money, and whether you just lend it to him, or put it into the new house, it's still a risk.

People have ben conned (maybe not as a premeditated act, but just because things happen) by partners they've been with for a lot longer than 2yrs.

Grapejuicerocks · 09/03/2016 17:59

At what point in a relationship do you jump from singles to a couple? It has to be some time. I wonder if the responses would be the same if the op was living together with her DP? There is always risk in any relationship.

Some people have a family pot of money, others have separate finances. At what time do people say we are a couple and start making decisions for the benefit of them both?

The op has sound and valid reasons for not moving in together. Why is it so unfeasible to want to help each other out and support each other in financial areas as well as others? To me that is a good relationship where the trust is there, especially if both are keen to make sure that things are tied up in such a way that there is fairness in the eventuality of splitting up.

I would be very surprised if the ops DH is against her having a 10% share. It sounds a solid and supportive relationship. If he is against it then, and only then, would red flags be waving. Why hang him for a crime that he hasn't committed yet?

You sound as if you have a great relationship op.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople · 09/03/2016 18:02

Yes - I "loaned" an ex £4k - never saw it again. Also it irretrievably altered the dynamic of the relationship. I think I felt he should have to account to me re his spending, he thought differently!

2 years is not really that long in the scheme of things.

You are being very kind offering but it's a lot of money. Money is security and freedom and lots of things. It's not everything - but it sure makes life easier. Think long and hard about whether you are prepared to handover cash you've squirrelled away over years to someone who hasn't done the same.

Trollicking · 09/03/2016 18:03

I had a feeling his relationship with his parents would be strained. Confused

How about waiting a year then, a two year relationship is still very new. Paying for a 10% share of a house is not without its problems. I hope you fully understand the ramifications of it.

BTW Grape I suspect that a lot of posters who have suggested that the OP shouldn't lend her BF money are not insinuating that she shouldn't trust her BF. It's more that it's just not a sensible thing to do even if you have a solid relationship. Sometimes you need to be practical and sensible especially when it concerns money. It's not unusual for relationships to break down - the OP has already gone through one divorce - isn't it better to show a little caution with a guy she has only dated for two years and doesn't even live with.

amarmai · 09/03/2016 18:10

doubt many female mners are encouraging you to give this man $$$ ,op.

Original poster
metalmickie · 09/03/2016 18:18

I know the 'you don't even live with him' thing has been said many times on this thread but (leaving aside practical reasons why we don't) to my mind it would concern me more if he was pushing for us to live together. And the financial risk of me living with him in my house, or getting a place together, are much greater than me lending this money or paying it as a deposit.

I could wait a year, but I'm don't see what that would change. I'm unlikely to know him much better than i already do, or for our relationship to change in that time. Then do I wait another year, or another?. In practical terms, given the rise in house prices in the last 12m, by then even with my help he may be priced out of the market.

OP posts:
GigiB · 09/03/2016 18:28

OP you seem to have made up your mind.

Just give him the money... your life, your decision - not sure why you want to talk about it anymore.. You're not going to get the agreement you seem to be seeking..

molyholy · 09/03/2016 18:37

Doesn't it concern you that he is willing to disinherit his children, in your favour and you have seen paperwork concerning his children's inheritance from his ex-wife?

Not saying he is a conman. You have known him for 2 years, but its just seems odd.

VulcanWoman · 09/03/2016 18:43

I thought I'd read the whole thread, I must have missed the bit about the children's inheritance, what parent would do that, now that is odd.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 09/03/2016 18:53

OP - I'm really, really sorry, but I still see it as a massive risk of your money. It's not to do with how well you know him, it's an issue of - well, all of the things you've written about him, the excuses you're making for him - of your money being ploughed into a 2 yr relationship, when you're not actually committed in any solid way - plus now we also find out he has a strained relationship with his parents (quelle surprise).

The whole thing is fishy as a fishmonger to me, but if you're going to do it, fgs get a contract drawn up by a solicitor - your own solicitor, not his. And then pray you're not being blinded by love. Good luck and I hope you're right to trust him.

Grapejuicerocks · 09/03/2016 18:57

if you're going to do it, fgs get a contract drawn up by a solicitor - your own solicitor, not his.

On this we agree.

AliceInUnderpants · 09/03/2016 19:00

moly She won't answer that, it's been asked many times.

OP It's not a loan. It's been pointed out to you many times that he will have no way to pay it back, certainly not by using a £25K cash advance on his credit card. You won't get it back.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 09/03/2016 19:06

You still have a mortgage yourself, so why not use your money to pay off your own debt instead of giving it away?

If I were you, I would use my spare money in this order (1) pay off my own debt, if any is left after that then (2) put a trust fund away for my own DC, if any is left after that then (3) help my boyfriend get on the property ladder.

OliviaBenson · 09/03/2016 19:15

The thing is op, he doesn't need to buy. So why not wait to see how the relationship pans out before you give him your money. You seem set on doing it anyway, I just hope this thread can make you think a bit.

EssentialHummus · 09/03/2016 19:33

I think OP/the partner believe that house prices will get out of reach if he doesn't buy immediately.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 09/03/2016 19:34

Yes, I'd far rather see my money in a trust for my DC.

OP - you will also need to make a plan for what to do if you split. Hopefully a solicitor will spell this out to you.

I think you're crazy to do this though.

chocomochi · 09/03/2016 19:52

Agree with Olivia that the op seems inclined to lend/give the money to her bf. As it's been said many times before, I hope the op will put something legal in place to recoup the money if op ever needs.

Xmasbaby11 · 09/03/2016 20:09

Your dp is not in a position to buy a home. It's his fault, not yours. He wasn't careful with money. He won't be able to pay you back. Are you prepared to lose it?

I also wouldn't be happy with a partner who would disinherit his dc. Imagibe how they would feel. It's not about whether they need the money.

Ragusa · 09/03/2016 20:52

OP, you want to do this out of kindness.

Ask yourself this: who is more deserving of your kindness - your DP, or your children?

Clue: it's your children, who will have to contend with even greater HE costs and property prices than either you or dp could dream of. Plus, more significantly, they're your children.

amarmai · 09/03/2016 20:57

so the 50% of 1st marriages that break up, all those women did not find out something new and not nice about their exs AFTER they got married to them ? This is not just your money you are throwing away- as soon as you made dcc they were entitled to share what you own. This man has no entitlement but you want to disinherit your dcc for him.If you need to buy this man ,it will not last .

VulcanWoman · 09/03/2016 21:10

The OP isn't saying about disinheriting her children, it's her partner apparently saying it about his children.

Ragusa · 09/03/2016 21:12

Yes I see that, but currently the money is sitting in her savings and if she didn't give it to DP it could go to them. Ergo, she is sort of risking their inheritance.

VulcanWoman · 09/03/2016 21:17

Oh, I see what you mean.

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