Do I withdraw DS financial support? No job and doesn't GAFF.

[crashboombanng]

My son (20) moved into his own place at 16, was kicked out of mainstream education due to violent behaviour to property, yet gained GCSEs.

Since GCSEs he has been to college twice and lasted a combined total of three days as he "didn't like the other people".

He's been on JSA since and slobs at home playing computer all day every day. His flat is a shit tip and he cannot be arsed to get a job, apprenticeship etc.

He's been sanctioned multiple times - the JC found him a job and he was sacked on second day for pissing about.

Me and my DH are supporting him financially, we are on very low income ourselves, and when sanctioned things get really tough.

AIBU to withdraw financial support? How do I "encourage" him to sort his life out? Tips please. He's never had a relationship, has no social life and never goes out.

If he is able to work then all you are doing at the moment is giving him a reason not to do it. You will be doing him a favour if you stop this now.

Yes! No point in these sanctions if you bail him out.

He needs to grow up.

Offer to help round the house or drive to interviews etc but no miner try support. And tell him why.

YANBU and probably should have done it years ago TBF.

Can he move back in with you where you can pester him a bit more about it?

Well withdrawing financial support would be a good start. Seriously, what is his motivation to get a job or smarten up his act if he knows that you are there to bail him out?

I would - you can't enable this behaviour for ever.
Can you have some discussion with him about what he needs to do as a respnsible adult?
Perhaps there could be other ways to support him rather than financially?

Can't move in with us as he was physically violent to one of his siblings.

My main worry is he simply won't eat if we don't give him money, or will sit in dark/no heat. I know you're right though - what's the best way to push him to training or work?

My DH has offered to drive him everywhere for courses, night school, apprenticeship but DS gives no fucks as he "won't like anything".

When he is sitting in the dark and getting hungry he'll understand why he needs to get a grip. You can't baby him forever. Better now when he has a chance to lead a better life than when he's 50 and unemployable.

Get him to see his GP about depression, it sounds a bit like it could be what it is.

Or possibly Asperger?

Withdraw support definitely. But give him notice. Maybe 3 months notice. That way, you're not pulling the rug right out from under him, he has time to sort himself out. How much do you give him? Is it an amount he can earn easily?

Withdraw support definitely. But give him notice. Maybe 3 months notice.

If he's anything like our DS, 3 years wouldn't have been enough

Seriously, stop now. My uncle is 55 and still lives rent free with my granny and grandad. He drinks and smokes all of his wages so my granny has to fund everything else or else he kicks off.

It will be better for him in the long run if you cut him off now.

if you don't withdraw support now OP then when do you think you will be able to do it?

at 25? at 30? at 50?

he is grown man and unless there is some physical health reason why he cant work then you need to withdraw your support.

call round and have a long chat with him about it. give him a month to get his backside in gear and get a job and support himself. tell him by the 1st April you will be withdrawing all of your financial support. you will still be his mum and offer all the other help you can but he needs to sort his stuff out.

I would also get him to go and see a GP to see if there is an underlying issue.

all the time you keep financially propping him up, you are only enabling his behaviour. if he is sitting in the cold and dark then he is doing this because it is his choice.

he will only do this if you withdraw your support first. but you must stick to it and not fall for the - could you just do it for this week? plea that I am sure he will do.

the penny will drop eventually but it never will all the time he knows you have an open cheque book.

if nothing else think of the effect your continuing support of him has on your other kids.

good luck, it will be as tough for you to do as it is for him but if you don't crack on and do it now then you never will.

*Get him to see his GP about depression, it sounds a bit like it could be what it is.

Or possibly Asperger?* - or more likely, chronically lazy? I think on MN we often do a dis-service to people who do have depression or SN, by ascribing this type of behaviour to them when in reality, they are often functioning very well and putting to shame this kind of entitled behaviour.

We're seeing him end of the week when our other kids are with GPs, time to get this sorted out.

You need to cut him off. Tell him now. You cannot afford this. He comes to you, direct him to a foodbank.

Under no circumstances should he move back in with you.

Agree completely with mummymeister.

I think you would be justified in stopping the support especially since you can't afford it really. You need to think of your other children as well.

As a cautionary tale - my aunt raised her siblings after their mother died and every weekend her layabout brother used to come to her for his ' pocket money' right up until he died when he was in his 80s he just never took responsibility for his own life

"Me and my DH are supporting him financially, we are on very low income ourselves, and when sanctioned things get really tough."
Yes, you need to stop the financial support. He needs to feel the consequences of his actions, not be shielded from them.

"My main worry is he simply won't eat if we don't give him money, or will sit in dark/no heat. I know you're right though - what's the best way to push him to training or work?"
Why do you think he won't eat? Of course he will eat, even it it's shit food (which is probably what he lives on already). And as for sitting in the dark with no heat - his choice. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated by your concern for him. He will not change until he feels the need to, and he will not feel the need until he feels his consequences.

It will be hard to do it, and he will no doubt try to pressurize / manipulate / guilt you into restarting the money, but you absolutely have to follow through. Your financial support enables this lifestyle, the kindest thing you can do is stop giving him money, and the cruellest thing you can do is to continue enabling.

If he sits in the dark with no heat, that will be HIS CHOICE.

You need to stop paying for him.

I have always been a lazy sod, OP, and I'm sure that if my parents had been prepared to finance my adult life, I would never have lifted a finger.

"My main worry is he simply won't eat if we don't give him money, or will sit in dark/no heat"

I actually managed to go two days without eating one day before I realised I needed to get a job.

You're very low income, have other children (plural) still dependant and you're giving him what must be at least a couple of hundred a month on a fairly regular basis?! How? Quite apart from anything else I'm impressed by your budgeting skills. You mention that things get really tough- do your other DC suffer then? Do you and DH still manage to eat, heat the place?

Cut his allowance out now.

It does sound harsh, but I remember my BIL still depending on MIL financially in his forties, never having been able to hold down a job for any length of time and blowing any money he got on booze, drugs and computer games.

It never seemed to occur to either of them to wonder what would happen when MIL was no longer around to bail out her 40 year old baby from his latest scrape. When she died BIL was by far the worst affected of all three siblings. He now has virtually no contact with them, cannot be civil if he does because they refuse to pour their own money into his bottomless pit of booze, fags and drugs, and for long periods just seems to disappear off the face of the earth, presumably retreating into his man cave but who knows really.

Do what you need to do now. Stop bailing him out.

What steps did you take prior to him becoming an adult to give him the foundations needed to function as one?

If all normal ones then cut off support.

It's going to feel like you're being cruel, but be cruel to be kind here OP. Stop subbing this 'lifestyle' of his, it's not doing him any favours. Can you imagine him being in this situation in 20 years time? Awful. Rip the plaster off - withdraw the funds now, it will be painful for you both, but it is for the best.