Do I withdraw DS financial support? No job and doesn't GAFF.

[crashboombanng]

My son (20) moved into his own place at 16, was kicked out of mainstream education due to violent behaviour to property, yet gained GCSEs.

Since GCSEs he has been to college twice and lasted a combined total of three days as he "didn't like the other people".

He's been on JSA since and slobs at home playing computer all day every day. His flat is a shit tip and he cannot be arsed to get a job, apprenticeship etc.

He's been sanctioned multiple times - the JC found him a job and he was sacked on second day for pissing about.

Me and my DH are supporting him financially, we are on very low income ourselves, and when sanctioned things get really tough.

AIBU to withdraw financial support? How do I "encourage" him to sort his life out? Tips please. He's never had a relationship, has no social life and never goes out.

If you could afford this money I would suggest working with him and supporting him a bit here and there as my son at 20 was really not very mature but the kicker, for me, is that you, your DH and his younger siblings are going without stuff while he seems not to appreciate it.

I think it is time to sit him down and explain that you genuinely cannot afford to give him money but you love him and will support with time and care wherever he needs you

I echo what everyone else has said. He's an adult now and he needs to stand on his own two feet financially.

As an adult, he has choices.

He can decide to pull himself up by his bootstraps, get a job and face the realities of life. Or he can choose to doss around, do nothing and potentially face homelessness. Either way, it's still his choice.

If he has form for kicking off then I would be telling him your decision before he comes to visit otherwise there is a risk you could back down.

he sounds like my nephew who has ADHD, but I strongly suspect aspergers too. Absolutely no ability to sort himself out. Its painful to watch really. doesnt engage with anyone that might be able to help either.

I dont know what to suggest really. Keeping on paying for him into adulthood is not sustainable either, and it sounds like hes used up all your goodwill. There has to be a point where you say no more

Nana - he had hearing issues until two. Operations resolved this. His birth dad exited his life when he was two also, he was a drunk, and physically abusive to me. DS saw him beat me. We moved area totally.

I was in foster care, not my DS. When he moved into monitored accommodation it was two miles from us, even his flat now is a 15 minute bus ride so distance isn't a factor.

I don't appreciate your insinuation he was not wanted at home. Utter tosh. School worked closely with him, and us, to offer maximum support.

He is heavily against drugs and rarely drinks.

His latest sanction has just ended, felt like a good time to make this post, I guess cutting his financial support now is a great time.

This is really complex and I doubt that you will feel able to suddenly cut off all financial support. He sounds very difficult to have in your lives. It seems amazing that after so much intervention and assessment he doesn't have any sort of diagnosis or anything.

Could you and dh set up a controlled withdrawal of your support? Make the support conditional so he is forced, for example to clean his flat or do his laundry. Perhaps give him a couple of weeks notice that things are going to change and give him a printout of what you are willing to do and what your expectations of him are? Let him know of other sources of support, for example Mind offer mentoring which he might engage with if he had to?

I doubt he will change very much or very quickly but he simply has to grow up. Does he currently organise his own bills etc? All those life skills and responsibilities... I think you will find him very hostile because he will be put under pressure. Any physical aggression, call the Police.

Good luck, it sounds like a nightmare.

Considering he doesn't drink or do drugs though (good) and had to leave home at 16 due to violence under as supervision plus the six years of camhs, does suggest something else is going on to lack so much motivation.

I do agree with branulese though, I have no idea where you go from here, especially given he is 20.

This is extremely hard on the OP and her family.

The young man may have issues but from what the OP has already described a lot of effort has gone into trying to identify an issue without any success.

But there is a point at which a family can no longer sustain an adult DC in this manner. It looks as if the OP's family has reached this point and it's very important for the OP's own old age and her other children's future lives, that this dependency stops.

That doesn't mean cutting all contact but whatever the young man's issues are he can't be absolved from doing something to support himself. And to the extent that his mental health is suffering (it may well be), then occupation and purpose are almost always a much better support than 24 hour computer games.

Other posters have more experience and wisdom in how to remove or phase out support but miserable as it is this looks like a time to be cruel short term for longer term success.

And FWIW, and in case it helps, something similar happened in my DP's family many years ago. The "difficult" sibling threw away education and jobs and wanted to sit at home doing nothing until the parents decided enough was enough. I'm told it was very painful on all concerned but in that case it did all come good. The sibling created a good life and has several adult, happy, well adjusted children of his own.

Its hard to know when is the right time to let go but I think you have realised that for your family the time is now.

I agree with everyone else that the financial help must stop completely. I would however make up a bag of basic food that will last a week. Value everything so theres no likelihood of him selling it. Bread,beans , cheap spread,eggs, cheese . Less than £5 will get enough to keep him alive.

This thread's moving fast, trying to keep up and I really appreciate everyone's viewpoints.

His violent tendencies have calmed this past 18 months or so. He can be shouty and sweary but with both of us providing a unified front we won't back down. Both of us love all our children unconditionally- DH has raised DS as his own, DS calls him Dad and there is mutual love and respect.

What frustrates even more is he's a bright lad. He would do well in either education or an apprenticeship of some kind.

Regarding his self-sustainability, we handled his bills etc (from his account) from 16 and taught him how to deal with them slowly. He's been in full control since 18, but he knows if he is unsure of what to do we are always available to help out. He got himself into a little debt at 18, that he hasn't paid, but that is something he has to deal with.

We have pushed so hard in the past, with the full support of a teacher who went far beyond usual procedure, to make sure if he was on the ASD spectrum he would be diagnosed. Whilst suggestions, six years of solid push yielded no diagnosis. I recognise this isn't flawless and unequivocal but there isn't much more we can do. We've pushed him to register at his local GP but given his age there is only so much we can do.

He was referred to Mind as School felt his early couple years of hearing issues and witnessing violence could have left an imprint. They were reasonably happy this wasn't the case.

Camhs won't just " pick up Asd" even over a six year period he needs a proper in depth assessment.

I think Nana might have been suggesting that's how it felt to him, rather than that he wasn't wanted at home. It might not be true or rational, but it might still be going round in his head.

If now is a good time to stop, then do it now. But I think you might need a plan B in case it goes tits up. Obviously you can't go on as you are with your DH having to miss meals, but there may be a middle ground.

I think it's a good point about this being unsustainable OP. You simply aren't going to be able to keep doing this forever. You mention being very low income and having other children, so I'm guessing you get child benefit and tax credits. You probably know those stop no later than aged 19 after finishing full time education. I don't know how old your others are, but if things are so tight now that you need to use DLA and miss the odd meal to sub him, it's going to be completely impossible without the tax credits. I'm also guessing being disabled limits your earning options, so it would be more difficult for you to earn more to make up the shortfall than it would be for others. So you can't keep doing this even if you want to.

If this was his second sanction, the next one will be for 26 weeks, so he really does need to get his act together. Depending on what type of sanction, this may also impact on HB.
He should have made a claim to hardship though. Do you know if he did? Is his rent being paid?
Are you funding his wifi? I'd be getting rid of that, (especially if he's gaming over wifi)he can use computers for job searching at plenty of places.

No you can't carry out daily job searches at " plenty of places".

There are where I am AndNow ( I work in an online/advice centre) but I appreciate its not the case for all areas, there are also 6 jobcentres in the city where I'm based, all with several computers.

He does need to engage with mental health services by the sounds of things, but that is something you sadly have no control over.

You do need to cut off support. It's a horrible position for you to be in, but you cannot continue to do this to yourself and your other children. I would be hesitant to do it in person with the other children around if he has violent tendencies, and would be more inclined to do it via phone.

Much love to you OP.

Have you tried to get your son on a Princes Trust Course?
www.princes-trust.org.uk/help-for-young-people/programmes

I went on the "Team" one and it really helped giving direction (as I was unemployed at the time), motivation, update my CV and the person running the course was used to working with more difficult people in a non .judgmental way

Not everyone fits into the modern world and unfortunately your lad is one of them. But many people grit their teeth, get on with it and find an appropriate outlet.
Dont give him your DLA. You dont have to live in poverty for someone else - he is choosing his lifestyle.

Cutting off the money (tough love) is probably the best thing you could ever do for him.

It is not just you who is giving him money !

All working people are paying for his life style !

In other countries in the world there is no safety net

A young, fit 20 year old should be working

Or he should obtain a professionally diagnosed sickness

Suggest he does some volunteering

My friend has a son like this. She has always bailed him out. He's now 45 and she's 70. He's still living with her and hasn't worked a day in his life and has never managed to complete any college courses, because "none of it is interesting." She should be enjoying her retirement now, without this millstone round her neck.

if you don't cut the cord now - it will never happen

he needs to learn how to be a man/responsible adult - and accept that his actions have consquences - for him - and him alone

What would be the correct procedure to have him assessed for ASD?

Although even if he IS on the spectrum he still cannot be expecting handouts and candy hearts. This morning at 8am my DH nagged him on Skype to ring a local college for details of courses as DS has no inkling of what's available. You can guess that DS didn't care enough, couldn't be bothered, had no interest.

It's definitely an untenable situation. His next sanction is 6 months long.

I showed DH the thread and we're both appreciative and pulling monetary support away over this month.

No even if he does have ads he should not have unconditional support. However it would change my view of conditional support.
The GP is the first port of call for an Asd assessment and request made for the adult pathway.
Either way I would provide basic food while he is sanctioned. You can get a sack of potatoes for £2 from morrisons , with value butter a few bags of pasta and value pasta sauce and a bottle of cooking oil will ensure he doesn't starve. Also a bottle of vitamins.

no advice really to give op but a big hug

i find it a bit sad to read all these tough love comments - he does need your help and input.good luck.