Do I withdraw DS financial support? No job and doesn't GAFF.

[crashboombanng]

My son (20) moved into his own place at 16, was kicked out of mainstream education due to violent behaviour to property, yet gained GCSEs.

Since GCSEs he has been to college twice and lasted a combined total of three days as he "didn't like the other people".

He's been on JSA since and slobs at home playing computer all day every day. His flat is a shit tip and he cannot be arsed to get a job, apprenticeship etc.

He's been sanctioned multiple times - the JC found him a job and he was sacked on second day for pissing about.

Me and my DH are supporting him financially, we are on very low income ourselves, and when sanctioned things get really tough.

AIBU to withdraw financial support? How do I "encourage" him to sort his life out? Tips please. He's never had a relationship, has no social life and never goes out.

It sounds like he is addicted to his gaming. try reading up on it, this was first on my google search.
www.videogameaddiction.co.uk/help/loved-one.html

That is awful news, sorry OP. Are you going to check whether the SW was right in the decision not to inform you and DH of what DS said?

Whether or not a health condition is affecting DS' behaviour, you have other DC and yourselves to consider: sounds like you simply can't afford to continue giving DS1 money without detriment to the rest of the family. So he will need to look to the state, and comply with the state's requirements.

The chances are, unfortunately, that he will not, but that's his call.

It also sounds like he could be a potential danger to the family.

Not sure. Doubt there's much point really, bearing in mind he hasn't lived with us for four years and comments are around six years old that horse has bolted. It's unlikely said counsellor is still with the agency who saw him too given the turnover rate. Deeply upsetting nonetheless.

Both my DH and I agree the financial support has to end regardless. When my DH is skipping meals, which also irritates and exacerbates his health issues, disability is suffering and other DC are being impacted it would be irresponsible of us continuing to bail out.

DS has been emailed a list of medical organisations, colleges, force recruitment offices and the like this morning.

I know my DH has reservations about DS's temper. We moved house after he entered his accommodation at 16, we'd been planning a move for a few years and came to fruition. DS stayed overnight at the old rented house to "gather some of his things". He trashed the place, causing significant damage.

Roll on GPs appointment!

crashboombanng - what an incredibly strong and positive post from you. you are doing absolutely everything you can to sort this situation out and there really is nothing more that you could be doing. if I had a hat I would be taking it off to you.

good luck to all of you going forward. there has to be a solution to this.

No, he has no social circle or peer group

He won't have, because he's not plugged into wider society and seemingly hasn't been for some time. He doesn't go out because he has nowhere to go and no one to go out with.

He probably has very few friends from school because of his predicament and behaviour during those years. He doesn't have friends from a further education context because it seems he didn't do further study. He doesn't have friends from work because he doesn't work.

His attitude to these paths in life (study, work, apprenticeship) are reinforcing his predicament in this regard. If he wants to have friends, he has to be in places where he can make friends.

He is cutting his nose off to spite his face.

I know someone very much like this: at 45, this person complains about being lonely but has historically refused to work or get involved with anything because it's all "stupid" - - but working, volunteering, studying or joining a group are some of the only ways adults can make new friends.

When he has been in situations to make contact with other people he has said he doesn't like them & bottled out.
He doesn't even like his own family it seems.
Is this a symptom of some kind of ASD ? Haven't any professional looked into it over all these years ?

He was under CAMHS for six years and had a social worker loosely assigned as a result of his school behaviour. It was my (wrong) impression that CAMHS and/or SW would instigate screening for ASD/AD(H)D but seems not. We were consistently told he was "normal". We pushed down so many paths so hard over so many years but were essentially fobbed off by all.

crash, this is so awful for you, & clearly for him, if it turns out that he has been undiagnosed.