Do I withdraw DS financial support? No job and doesn't GAFF.

[crashboombanng]

My son (20) moved into his own place at 16, was kicked out of mainstream education due to violent behaviour to property, yet gained GCSEs.

Since GCSEs he has been to college twice and lasted a combined total of three days as he "didn't like the other people".

He's been on JSA since and slobs at home playing computer all day every day. His flat is a shit tip and he cannot be arsed to get a job, apprenticeship etc.

He's been sanctioned multiple times - the JC found him a job and he was sacked on second day for pissing about.

Me and my DH are supporting him financially, we are on very low income ourselves, and when sanctioned things get really tough.

AIBU to withdraw financial support? How do I "encourage" him to sort his life out? Tips please. He's never had a relationship, has no social life and never goes out.

If additional needs have been ruled out I think you need to stop funding him and let him manage things himself.

I agree with cutting the financial cord. But first, is there any way he'll see a GP for a thorough physical and a referral for MH services? It sound like he may have MH issues (sectioning, violence). Is he on meds? Is he getting ongoing care? Would he cooperate with treatment?

We have a neighbour who choses to sit in the dark. He's in his 50s.

Op cut him off, he has his own place and he is young he can work even if its part time packing boxes for tesco. Get him into part time work first then it will ease him into full time, he is obviously stuck in a rut.
My mother constantly bailed out my waster of a brother, he messed up his life and my mum was always there to pick up the pieces, he was 35 still living with her and begging money from her.

Unless there are other issues health wise sounds like tough love. He's got the rest of his adult life to go , he needs to get a job or use the benefit system properly. If he's getting sanctioned for telling them to get stuffed then what's he really expecting will happen?

Are there any mentoring programmes you can try? Does sound like he needs support to do something else. I would be tempted to drop a small bag of shopping off with very basics in so he's not going starve but not giving him money.

In short Yes!!

If he's not being sanctioned right now, then this is the time to cut him off - let him know that you won't be helping him next time, so if he's likely to carry on acting in a way that will lead to sanctions, he needs to put a little aside now to cover that.

are their MH issues that need addressing? If so, can you encourage him to get help?

If not, he's young and healthy with no dependants, we are out of the worse of winter, this is actually a better time to be 'without funds' than other times of year. There'll be seasonal work coming available soon. It might be hard to start with, but if you warn him you won't help then you have to accept if he choses not to engage will adult life, he must suffer the concequences.

Has his previous emotional and behavioural states been investigated?

OP - I would suggest that you have your son in a public place (somewhere for lunch perhaps?), before telling him you are going to stop financing his layabout lifestyle.

He has a history of violence and damaging property so if he goes berserk, than others can render assistance. Somehow I cannot see a rational response from your son. If he has a key to your home I would also suggest changing the locks, just in case he is the sort that will come round your home and abuse you. You need to make sure your other child/ren are kept safe.

Jazzy - I get DLA so he is essentially taking that each month. There are occasions where my DH will skip meals as a result of financing DS. Having written that it's hit home how bad that actually is. I'm glad I posted now.

DS was fully supported as a child until moving out - which was really due to his violence towards siblings. He went into monitored accommodation at the behest of Social Services, then into unmonitored flat at 18.

Feels like we're being manipulated and we need to be firm. I'm talking to DH tonight and DS is coming over on Friday (no doubt wanting £££).

There was a suggestion of ASD when growing up but six years of CAMHS turned up nothing. He won't even register with a dentist or doctor. When under our docs pre-18 he was fully assessed again for MH.

There's no question our quality of life is suffering. Thanks for opening my eyes.

That DLA is meant to pay for the expenses of your disability OP. Do you miss out as well because of giving DS money? I know being disabled can be very expensive.

If he has no money for food then he'll have to find a food bank. If he has no money for electric then it might give him time to sit in the dark and reevaluate his life. At 20 he's incredibly lucky to even have his own place and not be out on the streets.

What's he doing all day? Games? Has he ever been on cannabis? I ask because my DB went through a similar thing, ie violent behaviour and lazy attitude which resolved to a certain extent once he came off the drugs.

Well, he can't just sit and play computer games all day if he has no money for electricity...

You're doing the right thing.

You have to be cruel to be kind. While you are enabling him you are not helping him.

Tell him what the new plan is. Tell him what you expect of him and leave him to it. Do not give in. In regards to him sitting with no heating - Tough luck. In regards to him not eating - will this really be the case? If you are concerned drop past with food. Do not give him money for food through

You've got to stop, because that's in his best interests. But do it by cutting the sum a tenner a week and suggest he looks for a PT job first. And explain he'll only get a life if he starts working, and you can't pay forever, so the choice of him working is neither yours nor his to make. Like it is for most people.

You need to prioritise your own needs over his, he's 20 and that's old enough to be independant. No way should either of you be skipping meals.

You might get some manipulation on Friday, you need to think how you will cope with that.

I do Jizzy, my DH gets frustrated about it. Truth told, we are all suffering in some way because of DS's lack of motivation, ambition, drive, laziness.

He has a big flat in a good area, he's very lucky, and just games all day. DH has offered to supply him with his technology books and resources and learn him how to program but no interest.

He's been given some great opportunities but pisses them all up the wall. My childhood was difficult, foster care, it makes his behaviour very difficult to tolerate.

I was wondering what happened during the 16 years before the trouble started. Although there were obviously problems before that as he was violent to one of his sibs. Is your DH his step-father? If so does he see his birth father. There clearly were problems as your son was growing up with a query about ASD and six years of CAMHS - he must have had some serious issues. He clearly has anger problems as these were showing up at school.

Have you any idea how your son had so many problems in his childhood which of course will follow him into adulthood?

And then he was in care and put in supported accommodation - this must have felt that he was not wanted at home and maybe he was jealous of his sibs (or step sibs maybe) I'm not really surprised that he is in a state of inertia to be honest. He could well be depressed as that sucks the motivation out of people. I assume your other kids are doing well and again this is going to hurt him, even if he doesn't show it.

I've worked with young people for many years and I honestly don't think cutting his allowance is the way to go - I know he's 20 but do you honestly want to see him starve. Do you know if he is involved in drug taking/alcohol abuse - if so I would take food rather than give him money.

Just adding to what everyone else has said - you are doing your son no favours. You and your DH need to be absolutely firm and commit to each other that you WON'T cave in. If you're not careful he'll play you off against each other, begging for money off dad, then mum, then dad and so on.

It must be so difficult I think most parents immediately start questioning themselves in these situations - what have we done wrong? Why has he ended up like this instead of like my friends' children? The truth is most people don't behave like this unless they can get away with it. So yes, get your DS investigated for depression with GP, ask for a referral for counselling if you think he has anxiety, maybe even pay for a few sessions privately if you think it will help.

The one thing that must be clear to him: from X date, there will be no more money, no food beyond a Value loaf (that way he can't accuse you of letting him starve). No electric, no heating, no loo roll, no washing of clothes. You will assist him with lifts to training or job interviews. NOTHING ELSE.

He will have a rough few months but he's an adult now. All of you need to understand that, him most of all. Good luck and hold firm.

He's perfectly happy for you, your DH and his siblings to go hungry to fund his gaming. It suits him that you can't pay for your accessibility needs because that's where the DLA goes.

I wouldn't see him at your house this weekend, given that he is known to be violent. I would meet him at a public place and explain that you cannot bail him out financially any longer.

And if he loses his flat, he cannot come back to you as he was violent to his siblings.

Cut off the money entirely. However, tell him that he can come and join you and the rest of the family for mealtimes. That way, he won't starve, but doesn't have the luxury of his current lifestyle without working.

Given that he's violent to siblings, I'm not sure that having him join the rest of the family for mealtimes is a good idea.

However, if he's currently under sanction then you could buy him bulk packs of value pasta, sauce, bread,beans etc so that he has food.

BTW it might be worth mentioning the gaming if he agrees to a GP visit and lets you accompany him. Counsellors are reporting seeing a lot more 'gaming' addiction. Games are so immersive and a way to ignore this world and all its problems. A socially inadequate young man with no prospects can be a kick arse action hero while he's gaming. You can see the attraction. If he could get himself a job and succeed in it, it will boost his confidence enormously. He's just caught in a cycle and needs to break out of it.

Nananina - have you not read the thread? She and her husband are already suffering because of having to give this twenty year old man an allowance. Her husband has gone without food to give the son money. Piling on the guilt by saying things liKe 'do you really want to see your son starve' is an awful thing to say. The OP has clearly done all she can for many years. It's time her son learnt that he needs to take responsibility for his life.

I would not offer money, but invite him round for Sunday lunch each weekend, or whatever would work. Tell him you love him but you want him to learn independence. Then stick to what you say, even when its hard.

If he gets in a mess then offer advice and support but not money, eg here are the food bank details. Here is how to reconnect the electricity. Here is how to plan to get to job centre on time. Do you want me to help reword your CV?