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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to buy this girl a coat

85 replies

ApproachingATunnel · 07/03/2016 09:11

At school i see this girl who is wearing a very light coat, no gloves, scarf, hat and is always shiwering until classroom door opens. I think her mum simply cant afford a winter coat, would it be very patronising of me to get her a coat and then give it to her mum (saying that my friend passed it into me as she doesnt need it and as i have a 1 year old i can have it). I talk to mum sometimes so perhaps it wouldnt be too odd? What do you think? That little girl really needs a coat!

OP posts:
londonrach · 07/03/2016 09:16

Difficult one. If you did (which is very kind of you) it needs to come across as they doing a favour to take it off your hands and never let them know you got it for the little girl.

FrogletinaBallerina · 07/03/2016 09:18

Personally - I wouldn't. My eldest has gone into school today wearing socks instead of her usual tights. This was her choice even though it's still tights weather! I wouldn't want a parent to look at her & think "oh she can't afford tights I'd better buy her some"

The older children at my daughter's school all wear super thin coats, maybe it's a fashion thing?

Original poster
ApproachingATunnel · 07/03/2016 09:20

I could chat to her and say- hey i noticed X seemed freezing this morning and you know i have a coat sitting in my wardrobe that my friend gave for my daughter to grow into but i doubt she will wear it as it will get lost in those 5 years untill it fits, would you like to have it? Does that sound believable?

OP posts:
Original poster
ApproachingATunnel · 07/03/2016 09:22

Of course i could lighheartedly probe to see if thats little girl's choice, good idea...

OP posts:
HoppingForward · 07/03/2016 09:22

No harm if you are school mum friends, it only needs to be a quick pass over In a bag, friend gave this to me but it's too big so wondered if you wanted it for x kind of way.

Hygge · 07/03/2016 09:22

Could you pass a coat on to the school and ask if they can somehow pass it on to the little girl?

If there is a way to do it without causing offence, the school will know how to manage it.

Cutecat78 · 07/03/2016 09:23

My DS2 has Aspergers and refuses to wear a coat or even let me buy him one.

It's a constant battle.

I would be really offended and pissed off if someone offered me a coat for him.

ghostyslovesheep · 07/03/2016 09:25

buy a second hand one from a charity shop and ask the mum 'I have an old coat that doesn't fit my DC anymore - would you like it?' That way she's doing you a favour and you aren't making such a grand gesture (to her)

Talcott2007 · 07/03/2016 09:27

I agree with londonrach it very kind thing to do but needs to be offered tactfully - as you already have talked to this mum about other things so you need to engineer a conversation that brings up the fact that you have acquired this coat that not suitable for any of your DC's in a natural way I'd go along the lines of "Mad Auntie Mildred always buys things in the wrong size as gifts and I really don't know what to do with this coat - but it occurs to me it's about the right size for your DD, you you like to take it off my hands?! It would really help me out!"

ProfessorPickles · 07/03/2016 09:31

I'd say "what size is your DD?" then she answers, and say "I'm only asking because I've been given a coat for my DD that is too big/ not needed. I'll bring it for you tomorrow if you'd like it?" Then go buy one in that size. And stress "I'd hate for it to go to waste etc"

Very thoughtful of you OP

FeelingFine89 · 07/03/2016 09:32

Eee I dunno. She might take it personally.
It's a difficult one because you know you're not judging her (I can see that in your post) and it's a thoughtful gesture, but she might think you're judging her and buying the coat is a PA message to her saying "provide for your kid".
She might also be a bit embrarrased and if it is to do with money she's probably feeling really down about it, and this might make her feel a bit worse that a mum at school bought her DD a coat instead of her.

But then again she might not feel negatively about your gesture at all and be over the moon.

Your call Op. I think it's nice what you want to do but like I said she may take it the wrong way if she's struggling.

KanyeWesticle · 07/03/2016 09:35

Is your child a friend of hers? I think it would seem more natural that way.

FeelingFine89 · 07/03/2016 09:38

My DS won't wear a hat Cutecat and he has suspected asd. New coats, jackets and shoes are nightmare to get him to try.

I would be quite annoyed if someone gave me a hat for him.

FeelingFine89 · 07/03/2016 09:39

Oh and he won't put his hood up.

blobbityblob · 07/03/2016 09:41

Yes I'd go with ProfPickles approach.

Or I've been given a few bits that we can't use, would you like to have a look through them for your dd.

I'm always doing this with dd's clothes if they've hardly been worn. I've also accepted clothes from people I don't know that well who've offered them. It's done all the time here and it's nothing to do with whether anybody can afford it or not. It's slightly odd in that you don't have an older one, but I think you could get away with - it was passed to me and I can't keep it for x years.

But yes I think most would be offended if you highlighted their dc were cold and that you'd noticed and wondered if it was because they had no money.

Sometimes it is a style thing with people - they have money but choose clothing maybe you wouldn't. Or their dc refuses to wear the big thick coat they have at home.

GreenTomatoJam · 07/03/2016 09:41

I've accepted coats (and shoes, pyjamas) from mums (who I don't particularly know, our kids aren't particular friends, just people I'd say hi to and have a chat about the weather with) in the playground - my kids weren't shivering - these mums just had coats (or whatever) their kids had grown out of and passed them on to someone who had a kid the right size. I've done the same (wellies, jumpers).

If you're the kind of person who can pull it off, then by all means do it in my opinion.

MrsJayy · 07/03/2016 09:44

If you chat to the mum why not there could be a million and 1 reasons why the girl has no coat on, you can ask her without sounding patronising i have a coat doesnt fit my dd would you like it

Cutecat78 · 07/03/2016 09:44

feelingfine89

Yes clothes in general are a massive problem - ESP denim Grin

swquestion · 07/03/2016 09:44

Would you really be offended if someone brought in a coat for your shivering child and if you couldn't afford one? I think if I was in that situation I would try and put my feelings of pride aside and put my daughter first. So yes OP I think it's a lovely thing to do if you can find a sensitive way to pass it on.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 07/03/2016 09:45

If you are pretty sure she can't afford one give it to the class teacher privately to be given to the girl. I agree with others it may well be the child refusing to wear a big winter coat though, depending on the child's age etc. etc.

I have an (irrational? It feels rational to me) fear of small children wearing conventional type scarves, I'm always paranoid they'll manage to strangle or hang themselves on play equipment! Feel the same about ties! So I never put a scarf on my youngest (though he has a balaclava) and my middle one has a kind of snood thing :o

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 07/03/2016 09:45

DD went through a stage of only wearing the coat (a light jacket) which "felt nice" last winter. To anyone observing it might have looked like we couldn't afford a better coat. In reality, DD had three others - all thicker and warmer - hanging up in the cupboard at home.

She has sensory issues over some things (although no ASD), and we had to take the approach that a light coat was better than no coat at all!

Griphook · 07/03/2016 09:45

Just turn up to the school with a coat in an old bag, and just say
'I've just seen my friend and she gave me this for dd for when's she older but I really don't have anywhere to keep, I was wondering if xx might like it, don't worry if you don't like or want it I won't be offended, I just didn't want to say no to my friend as she meant well, but we just don't have that much space.

Cutecat78 · 07/03/2016 09:46

Erm - how does the OP know that the mum can't afford one....?

MrsJayy · 07/03/2016 09:48

If the mum says no thanks dd is a pain and wont wear bulky coats then you can stop worrying

dotty2 · 07/03/2016 09:49

Do it if you can pull off the giving in a casual 'had this, don't need it, thought you might like it' kind of way - but only do it if you won't be offended if said child never wears it. (As other posters have said, some kids are very picky about what they will wear - my own DD2 doesn't have SN but sometimes point blank refuses a coat/tights whatever even if it's freezing and would definitely refuse something which was uncomfy to her in some way that would remain utterly unfathomable to me)

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