To want to buy this girl a coat

[ApproachingATunnel]

At school i see this girl who is wearing a very light coat, no gloves, scarf, hat and is always shiwering until classroom door opens. I think her mum simply cant afford a winter coat, would it be very patronising of me to get her a coat and then give it to her mum (saying that my friend passed it into me as she doesnt need it and as i have a 1 year old i can have it). I talk to mum sometimes so perhaps it wouldnt be too odd? What do you think? That little girl really needs a coat!

[Justaboy]

That's a lovely thought OP and I do hope that you concoct a way to help this young child.

If everyone was as kind in thought and intent like you the world would be such a better place!.

And i hope that the other mum involved will see it as it was intended:-)

[ClopySow]

I'd make some comment about swamped with stuff after a cousin/friend/neighbour passed on a bag of stuff to you and "oh, in there was a jacket in there, miles too big for my daughter, i don't suppose you want it do you"

Keep it totally casual.

[spanky2]

When ds1 was a baby we didn't have enough money for food. My friend gave us a months supply of meat. Me and dh lost a lot of weight as we spent our money for food on ds. I was so grateful to her. I didn't mind it was charitable giving.

[hedgehogsdontbite]

I'm guessing all the people saying if they were poor they would appreciate charity have never experienced extreme poverty.

Then you'd be guessing wrong. I was a disabled single parent to a DD with special needs having escaped from an abusive marriage and had nothing but the clothes I stood up. I know poverty all too well thank you very much having been in the position of having to ask strangers outside the supermarket if they could buy some milk for my baby. It's because of my experiences that I can say how much I would appreciate it. You know nothing about the paths others have trod.

[WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup]

I'm guessing all the people saying if they were poor they would appreciate charity have never experienced extreme poverty. It's embarrassing and draining and it makes you feel worthless and separate from every other family at the school gates. Approach this really carefully if you believe this is a money issue-otherwise it may just make the poor woman feel even more excluded. You are doing a lovely thing thinking of others

[unlucky83]

Oh the food thing....I would be very careful....
My DDs had breakfast at 8.30, milk (and the free fruit too up to P3) at 10.30 and then school lunch at 12 (12.30 when older)
IMO they did not NEED a 'playpiece' -a snack at 10.30. I would occasionally send something in as a treat...
They are not under or over weight, they weren't hungry. I think lots of problems with obesity are caused by our need not to let our DCs go for more than an hour without putting something in their mouth.

DD1 would never refuse a treat - the kind of child that eats all their easter eggs in one sitting, was verging on being slightly overweight at one stage - DD2 very different, will only eat when she is hungry...has brought her playpiece home as she didn't want it that day.
DD1's friend always had sweets/crisp (never heard of anyone having a healthy playpiece -always crisp/sweets) and they would share with DD (I wasn't pleased but nothing much I could do -actually though it was probably doing the other child a favour!)
Then friend's mum started sending something in for DD1 too... I was furious. I did attempt to speak to the mum about it and she thought I was thanking her and she was doing me a favour -so without creating bad feeling there was nothing I could do but live with it and reduce treats at other times...thankfully that child left a year or so later.
They also didn't get snacks as soon as they finished school (unless they were hungry). DD2 has an activity straight after school and some of her friends always have a snack as they are walking along. Years ago I asked DD2 if she was hungry and would like something too and she said she was fine. I wondered if she was just saying what she thought I wanted to hear...
They have offered her a biscuit, crisp etc and she does usually take one. Anyway the other day I was going to be a bit late so asked another parent if she would walk DD2 along too... Parent must have brought along an extra snack for DD2 (as I would have done in similar circumstances) - as I was catching up, still quite a way behind I saw DD refuse it (a bag of minicheddars which I know she likes) and so I think she really is fine...

[Sallystyle]

People must think this about my 7 year old.

She refuses to wear a hat or scarf. She has a thin coat (although it is actually quite warm and took ages to find) because she hates bulky clothes, if she had her way she would go to school in a vest and shorts, I draw the line at that!

Sometimes she looks a bit cold on the way to school but it clearly doesn't bother her and it isn't worth the battle. It's a 5 minute walk and as soon as she is indoors she feels hot.

The older ones are all too cool for coats as well.

If she is shivering then that would concern me a little. I don't know what I would do, probably raise my concerns with the teacher I guess.

[ApproachingATunnel]

Thank you for replies/ideas. I will play it by ear i think, if i see mum then i will chat to her and see where that leads.
I really hear what all those with coat hating dcs are saying, it might be the case here, it might not. Mum hinted about money worries few times in the past so my assumptions are based on that and on little bits i know. I wouldnt call us friends but if i see her at the gate or in playground, we have a chat.

[hedgehogsdontbite]

Why not just ask her? My DD, also ASD, is another who always refused to wear a coat. Still refuses now and she's an adult living at the North Pole (ish). If some had asked me 'is she not cold in that?' I would have explained and then moved on and forgotten it. If on the other hand my child was suffering because I couldn't afford something I'd be extremely grateful to anyone who was up front and honest about helping her out.

[altcontroldelete]

Think it depends how often you talk?

If its a couple times a week/a frequent thing- then maybe do as people have suggested "someone brought this for DD, it doesn't fit- would you like it for X as it seems a shame to go to waste?" Personally wouldn't give one that is obviously new (i.e. still tagged) as if it was me I would just wonder why you didn't return it for a bigger size/a refund.

If you rarely talk and it's in passing etc- then i'd just leave it if I'm honest. Not nice to see but if this mother is virtually a stranger to you then I can't see it going down well. Very nice thought though OP.

[seafoodeatit]

I'm not sure how you could broach the subject without it sounding personal, I do see it as a nice gesture but whether the mum will remains to be seen.

I've just chalked it up to the fact that some kids must not like wearing coats/layers - at DS' school there are a few kids that have only ever worn their summer uniform - shorts and polo t-shirts with no jumper since Sept and then you see the the mums in thick coats and big scarves so it can't be because the parent's don't think it's cold.

[starsorwater]

My lovely elderly neighbour asked if she could buy dd a coat once. She was so tired of seeing her freezing at the bus stop. It made her very happy to come in and look at the rejected school coat, ski jackets, duffle coat, etc. She went away comforted. Dd continued shivering...

[emilybohemia]

Could you say you have one that another child has outgrown? I would want to do it too.

It's hard though as my daughter does the same as Santasand doesn't like the feel of a big bulky coat.

Santas, is your daughter diagnosed with anything? Hope I'm not being intrusive, am asking because my daughter seems to have some sensory issues too but has not been assessed for anything.

[MrsEricBana]

I think you are very kind. What others have said about getting a charity shop coat and then suggesting she's helping you out by taking it is fab idea and worst case she doesn't need it and gives it to someone who does or back to a charity shop to sell again. Having said that my kids NEVER wear their coats to school yet go out muttering about how cold it is etc. Could you ask teacher for advice before you paas on the "spare" coat?

[copperpipes]

yes, also just wondering what are your grounds for thinking the parents cant afford a heavier coat?

might have zero to do with income and just an awkward but shivering child.

we have a pricey breathable waterproof ski jacket and my DC ignores that and wears a lined (unpadded) parka everyday to school in temperatures under 5 degrees c. makes me so mad!

[AliciaMayEmory]

Ffs, do we now live in a world where we cannot offer any help to each other for fear of offending someone? The OP wasn't suggesting going in all guns blazing and the fact that she asked if it was OK shows that she has some sensitivity to the situation.

OP, you sound lovely and unfortunately there will always be people who are looking to be offended, but please don't let it stop you from helping someone who may be hugely grateful for it.

[charlestonchaplin]

It's really sad that many think it preferable for children to suffer in order to avoid offending adults. Because some children do suffer because their parents do not or cannot provide the things they need.

If people are judging the parents of a child who won't wear a coat, surely it is better to have the opportunity to point that out to them when they offer a coat? If they don't approach you with a coat they'll still judge if they're the judging sort.

[Whotookmyruler]

Agree, that this needs to be done in a way as if she is doing you a favour by taking the coat off your hands

[SaucyJack]

"I've literally started packing more than I would so that DD can offer it."

What food are you sending in?

One of my DD's friend's mum started sending in extra cake and crisps for my DD because it was easier for her to convince herself that I was the wicked witch of the South-East and denying my child, than stick to the healthy lunchbox policy and address her own kid's appalling diet. I was furious.

It's crossing a huge line tbh. I really wouldn't do it.

[PalePolkaDot]

I've wondered about this. There's a girl in DC class whose school pinafore is v short and tight and she wears normal t shirts underneath so looks c noticeably different to the others. I have way too much uniform due to hand me downs and dd1 being v picky about what she wears and could easily clothe this girl too but have no idea how to do it without causing offence.

[MattDillonsPants]

I don't know OP. It depends....you MIGHT offend her and you might not. Can you perhaps say that your DD had a bag of things handed down to her from a friend, and whilst some fit her some don't so you thought you might offer them to her?

That way she'll see that YOU accept hand me downs...and not feel judged? Is her child the same size as yours though?

I have similar..my 8 year old has a friend at school...and we've only been at this school a few weeks...new area etc. This child has been to school with no lunch a few times...and DD has shared with her...DD told me today that she often doesn't have a lot in her lunch box so DD gives her some of hers.

I've literally started packing more than I would so that DD can offer it. :( we
re not in England and things aren't the same here. I've seen the child and she's very thin and in clothes that are too big or too small. No sunhat and it's HOT here.

[okitoki]

OP don't do it.
I wonder how many people see my 12 year old shivering down the road and at the bus stop no coat, no gloves nor scarf.
His family must be poor?
I bet his parents don't even care?
If only these people had X-ray vision they'd be able to see screwed up in the bottom of his school bag a £50 Bench coat.
My lad is 'too cool' to wear a coat.

[GigiB]

Take a bag of clothes to school and give hand them out to a couple of people (not just her) then it will be fine as you are not singling her out. I've done this quite alot and love a freebie myself so hopefully it would work.

[lottielou7]

I don't think you could buy her one without possibly causing offence. FWIW I have felt the same as you about my dd's friend. But in that case it definitely wasn't lack of money that was causing the issue of not having warm enough clothes. I think you are very kind though.

[malvinandhobbes]

I don't know. I have a typically developing child who refuses to wear a coat. Every day we argue, and my argument has become "People will think you're not well looked after."

He laughs and runs off in short sleeves. He does get cold, but says he prefers to be cold than wear a coat.