To want to buy this girl a coat

[ApproachingATunnel]

At school i see this girl who is wearing a very light coat, no gloves, scarf, hat and is always shiwering until classroom door opens. I think her mum simply cant afford a winter coat, would it be very patronising of me to get her a coat and then give it to her mum (saying that my friend passed it into me as she doesnt need it and as i have a 1 year old i can have it). I talk to mum sometimes so perhaps it wouldnt be too odd? What do you think? That little girl really needs a coat!

[altcontroldelete]

Think it depends how often you talk?

If its a couple times a week/a frequent thing- then maybe do as people have suggested "someone brought this for DD, it doesn't fit- would you like it for X as it seems a shame to go to waste?" Personally wouldn't give one that is obviously new (i.e. still tagged) as if it was me I would just wonder why you didn't return it for a bigger size/a refund.

If you rarely talk and it's in passing etc- then i'd just leave it if I'm honest. Not nice to see but if this mother is virtually a stranger to you then I can't see it going down well. Very nice thought though OP.

[hedgehogsdontbite]

Why not just ask her? My DD, also ASD, is another who always refused to wear a coat. Still refuses now and she's an adult living at the North Pole (ish). If some had asked me 'is she not cold in that?' I would have explained and then moved on and forgotten it. If on the other hand my child was suffering because I couldn't afford something I'd be extremely grateful to anyone who was up front and honest about helping her out.

[ApproachingATunnel]

Thank you for replies/ideas. I will play it by ear i think, if i see mum then i will chat to her and see where that leads.
I really hear what all those with coat hating dcs are saying, it might be the case here, it might not. Mum hinted about money worries few times in the past so my assumptions are based on that and on little bits i know. I wouldnt call us friends but if i see her at the gate or in playground, we have a chat.

[Sallystyle]

People must think this about my 7 year old.

She refuses to wear a hat or scarf. She has a thin coat (although it is actually quite warm and took ages to find) because she hates bulky clothes, if she had her way she would go to school in a vest and shorts, I draw the line at that!

Sometimes she looks a bit cold on the way to school but it clearly doesn't bother her and it isn't worth the battle. It's a 5 minute walk and as soon as she is indoors she feels hot.

The older ones are all too cool for coats as well.

If she is shivering then that would concern me a little. I don't know what I would do, probably raise my concerns with the teacher I guess.

[unlucky83]

Oh the food thing....I would be very careful....
My DDs had breakfast at 8.30, milk (and the free fruit too up to P3) at 10.30 and then school lunch at 12 (12.30 when older)
IMO they did not NEED a 'playpiece' -a snack at 10.30. I would occasionally send something in as a treat...
They are not under or over weight, they weren't hungry. I think lots of problems with obesity are caused by our need not to let our DCs go for more than an hour without putting something in their mouth.

DD1 would never refuse a treat - the kind of child that eats all their easter eggs in one sitting, was verging on being slightly overweight at one stage - DD2 very different, will only eat when she is hungry...has brought her playpiece home as she didn't want it that day.
DD1's friend always had sweets/crisp (never heard of anyone having a healthy playpiece -always crisp/sweets) and they would share with DD (I wasn't pleased but nothing much I could do -actually though it was probably doing the other child a favour!)
Then friend's mum started sending something in for DD1 too... I was furious. I did attempt to speak to the mum about it and she thought I was thanking her and she was doing me a favour -so without creating bad feeling there was nothing I could do but live with it and reduce treats at other times...thankfully that child left a year or so later.
They also didn't get snacks as soon as they finished school (unless they were hungry). DD2 has an activity straight after school and some of her friends always have a snack as they are walking along. Years ago I asked DD2 if she was hungry and would like something too and she said she was fine. I wondered if she was just saying what she thought I wanted to hear...
They have offered her a biscuit, crisp etc and she does usually take one. Anyway the other day I was going to be a bit late so asked another parent if she would walk DD2 along too... Parent must have brought along an extra snack for DD2 (as I would have done in similar circumstances) - as I was catching up, still quite a way behind I saw DD refuse it (a bag of minicheddars which I know she likes) and so I think she really is fine...

[WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup]

I'm guessing all the people saying if they were poor they would appreciate charity have never experienced extreme poverty. It's embarrassing and draining and it makes you feel worthless and separate from every other family at the school gates. Approach this really carefully if you believe this is a money issue-otherwise it may just make the poor woman feel even more excluded. You are doing a lovely thing thinking of others

[hedgehogsdontbite]

I'm guessing all the people saying if they were poor they would appreciate charity have never experienced extreme poverty.

Then you'd be guessing wrong. I was a disabled single parent to a DD with special needs having escaped from an abusive marriage and had nothing but the clothes I stood up. I know poverty all too well thank you very much having been in the position of having to ask strangers outside the supermarket if they could buy some milk for my baby. It's because of my experiences that I can say how much I would appreciate it. You know nothing about the paths others have trod.

[spanky2]

When ds1 was a baby we didn't have enough money for food. My friend gave us a months supply of meat. Me and dh lost a lot of weight as we spent our money for food on ds. I was so grateful to her. I didn't mind it was charitable giving.

[ClopySow]

I'd make some comment about swamped with stuff after a cousin/friend/neighbour passed on a bag of stuff to you and "oh, in there was a jacket in there, miles too big for my daughter, i don't suppose you want it do you"

Keep it totally casual.

[Justaboy]

That's a lovely thought OP and I do hope that you concoct a way to help this young child.

If everyone was as kind in thought and intent like you the world would be such a better place!.

And i hope that the other mum involved will see it as it was intended:-)