To want to buy this girl a coat

[ApproachingATunnel]

At school i see this girl who is wearing a very light coat, no gloves, scarf, hat and is always shiwering until classroom door opens. I think her mum simply cant afford a winter coat, would it be very patronising of me to get her a coat and then give it to her mum (saying that my friend passed it into me as she doesnt need it and as i have a 1 year old i can have it). I talk to mum sometimes so perhaps it wouldnt be too odd? What do you think? That little girl really needs a coat!

[FirstWeTakeManhattan]

I often pass on bags of decent stuff to other parents. The conversation goes like this…'I'm having a massive clear out and we've got loads of stuff that might fit your DS/DD. Are you interested in having a look? You can pass on or donate anything you don't want. It's nice to see it go to someone I know.'

Most people say an enthusiastic yes, and job done. I don't actually dump a huge bag on them, just a few nice bits that I'll think they'll make use of.

[shinynewusername]

CuteCat is only sharing her experience

Of course it is hard to feel judged and I would totally understand CuteCat's point if the OP was going to go in with all guns blazing. But she isn't. OP sounds lovely and very sensitive.

[Cutecat78]

I agree if casual friendship is struck up first and then a bag is offered it would be fine.

I am no adverse to hand me fiefs I would just feel frustrated that my fears were confirmed and it was being noted that DS isn't wearing a coat - even in the rain!!!

[mummytippy]

I think you're right to be concerned for the poor child, especially if she is shivering.

FirstWetakeManhattan has the best approach. Speak to the mum, don't go to the teacher. Just be casual and non-judgemental. Keep us posted OP.

[unlucky83]

My DD(9) is wearing just the waterproof bit of a 2 in one coat. Refuses to wear the fleece bit, refuses to wear it zipped together (And it's all black so no issue with not liking the colours etc)...also refuses to wear a hat, doesn't like gloves...
Complained she was cold the other day...she did look frozen - so the next day I suggested wearing some warmer things - she refused...
(Same with teen DD - doesn't own a coat, won't even look at them when I offer to buy one but has now started whinging about being cold .)
I think above the age of 2-3 -you give them a choice and it is up to them if they want to be cold (or in the case of younger DCs I think they will learn and I would take it with me just in case -now I frequently tell younger DD to take a coat just in case and it becomes a battle... )
As others have said I would just say I had one going spare I'd been given - could she use it? I wouldn't mention her DC looking freezing...

[IsItMeOr]

I wasn't suggesting OP would cause offence.

I was a bit offended by bitchrestingface suggesting that the parents of DC who had shared about their preferences for no coats had their "heads in the sand".

So for me it's a side issue. Hence why I originally deleted my post about it, as it wasn't helpful to the OP, but I thought bitchrestingface might appreciate an explanation about what I, and I think cutecat were reacting to. In the spirit of encouraging understanding, because it sounded like bitchrestingface had no desire to cause offence.

[sprinkles peace and love around]

[IsItMeOr]

Cutecat I think it's natural for people to notice differences like that. DS does it all the time.

I find it helpful to remember that noticing something and judging based upon it are two very different things.

Have you found the goose and carrot on the special needs boards? Lots of support there, I've found.

[SaucyJack]

Do the family generally live a chaotic/deprived lifestyle that would suggest to you that the parents couldn't buy a £15 coat from a supermarket every other winter (my DD's Matalan coats are on their second year).

Do they walk, or drive? Perhaps she just pops on a jacket for the 30 sec walk from car to door?

It's nice that you're concerned, but tread carefully and put a few feelers out first for what's actually going on with her coat before wasting your money and embarrassing both of you.

[PassiveAgressiveQueen]

Could you pass it off as a hand me down, otherwise no

[malvinandhobbes]

I don't know. I have a typically developing child who refuses to wear a coat. Every day we argue, and my argument has become "People will think you're not well looked after."

He laughs and runs off in short sleeves. He does get cold, but says he prefers to be cold than wear a coat.

[lottielou7]

I don't think you could buy her one without possibly causing offence. FWIW I have felt the same as you about my dd's friend. But in that case it definitely wasn't lack of money that was causing the issue of not having warm enough clothes. I think you are very kind though.

[GigiB]

Take a bag of clothes to school and give hand them out to a couple of people (not just her) then it will be fine as you are not singling her out. I've done this quite alot and love a freebie myself so hopefully it would work.

[okitoki]

OP don't do it.
I wonder how many people see my 12 year old shivering down the road and at the bus stop no coat, no gloves nor scarf.
His family must be poor?
I bet his parents don't even care?
If only these people had X-ray vision they'd be able to see screwed up in the bottom of his school bag a £50 Bench coat.
My lad is 'too cool' to wear a coat.

[MattDillonsPants]

I don't know OP. It depends....you MIGHT offend her and you might not. Can you perhaps say that your DD had a bag of things handed down to her from a friend, and whilst some fit her some don't so you thought you might offer them to her?

That way she'll see that YOU accept hand me downs...and not feel judged? Is her child the same size as yours though?

I have similar..my 8 year old has a friend at school...and we've only been at this school a few weeks...new area etc. This child has been to school with no lunch a few times...and DD has shared with her...DD told me today that she often doesn't have a lot in her lunch box so DD gives her some of hers.

I've literally started packing more than I would so that DD can offer it. :( we
re not in England and things aren't the same here. I've seen the child and she's very thin and in clothes that are too big or too small. No sunhat and it's HOT here.

[PalePolkaDot]

I've wondered about this. There's a girl in DC class whose school pinafore is v short and tight and she wears normal t shirts underneath so looks c noticeably different to the others. I have way too much uniform due to hand me downs and dd1 being v picky about what she wears and could easily clothe this girl too but have no idea how to do it without causing offence.

[SaucyJack]

"I've literally started packing more than I would so that DD can offer it."

What food are you sending in?

One of my DD's friend's mum started sending in extra cake and crisps for my DD because it was easier for her to convince herself that I was the wicked witch of the South-East and denying my child, than stick to the healthy lunchbox policy and address her own kid's appalling diet. I was furious.

It's crossing a huge line tbh. I really wouldn't do it.

[Whotookmyruler]

Agree, that this needs to be done in a way as if she is doing you a favour by taking the coat off your hands

[charlestonchaplin]

It's really sad that many think it preferable for children to suffer in order to avoid offending adults. Because some children do suffer because their parents do not or cannot provide the things they need.

If people are judging the parents of a child who won't wear a coat, surely it is better to have the opportunity to point that out to them when they offer a coat? If they don't approach you with a coat they'll still judge if they're the judging sort.

[AliciaMayEmory]

Ffs, do we now live in a world where we cannot offer any help to each other for fear of offending someone? The OP wasn't suggesting going in all guns blazing and the fact that she asked if it was OK shows that she has some sensitivity to the situation.

OP, you sound lovely and unfortunately there will always be people who are looking to be offended, but please don't let it stop you from helping someone who may be hugely grateful for it.

[copperpipes]

yes, also just wondering what are your grounds for thinking the parents cant afford a heavier coat?

might have zero to do with income and just an awkward but shivering child.

we have a pricey breathable waterproof ski jacket and my DC ignores that and wears a lined (unpadded) parka everyday to school in temperatures under 5 degrees c. makes me so mad!

[MrsEricBana]

I think you are very kind. What others have said about getting a charity shop coat and then suggesting she's helping you out by taking it is fab idea and worst case she doesn't need it and gives it to someone who does or back to a charity shop to sell again. Having said that my kids NEVER wear their coats to school yet go out muttering about how cold it is etc. Could you ask teacher for advice before you paas on the "spare" coat?

[emilybohemia]

Could you say you have one that another child has outgrown? I would want to do it too.

It's hard though as my daughter does the same as Santasand doesn't like the feel of a big bulky coat.

Santas, is your daughter diagnosed with anything? Hope I'm not being intrusive, am asking because my daughter seems to have some sensory issues too but has not been assessed for anything.

[starsorwater]

My lovely elderly neighbour asked if she could buy dd a coat once. She was so tired of seeing her freezing at the bus stop. It made her very happy to come in and look at the rejected school coat, ski jackets, duffle coat, etc. She went away comforted. Dd continued shivering...

[seafoodeatit]

I'm not sure how you could broach the subject without it sounding personal, I do see it as a nice gesture but whether the mum will remains to be seen.

I've just chalked it up to the fact that some kids must not like wearing coats/layers - at DS' school there are a few kids that have only ever worn their summer uniform - shorts and polo t-shirts with no jumper since Sept and then you see the the mums in thick coats and big scarves so it can't be because the parent's don't think it's cold.