To want to buy this girl a coat

[ApproachingATunnel]

At school i see this girl who is wearing a very light coat, no gloves, scarf, hat and is always shiwering until classroom door opens. I think her mum simply cant afford a winter coat, would it be very patronising of me to get her a coat and then give it to her mum (saying that my friend passed it into me as she doesnt need it and as i have a 1 year old i can have it). I talk to mum sometimes so perhaps it wouldnt be too odd? What do you think? That little girl really needs a coat!

I would be quite surprised if it was down to not being able to afford a coat. She could get one very cheaply from a charity shop/ Facebook etc if that was the case.

Maybe say "Aw, is she ok? Looks freezing bless her, mine were a nightmare costs/hats/gloves at that age." And just see where the conversation leads you.

Very thoughtful of you op, I think best to approach the teacher with this. Maybe she has noticed herself and knows the reason why?

I think trying to pass off the coat as 'a spare' sounds a bit patronizing and anyone can see through that. You might make her feel very bad.

Tread carefully! Are you certain that the child is cold and that her mum can't afford a coat?

My child often comes out of school at the end of the day with no coat and no jumper on. She has four bloody coats and three lighterweight jackets, FFS! But she always complains of clothes itching and making her too hot - and to be fair she usually is very warm. I'd hate for anyone to think that we didn't/couldn't provide her with a coat when in reality we've had to go emergency shopping for yet another expensive warm coat on a Friday night/Saturday morning because hers has been locked in school...

There have been many times when I've wondered whether there's any point in making her take a coat to school when it's a 2min walk there, she will have removed it before going in and at best will shove it in my arms at pickup time before running home without it. I'm fairly certain she doesn't wear it at break times!

Mine hate wearing coats, and never wear gloves, hats etc, it doesn't mean we can't afford them. As others have said its easy to pick up second hand things very cheaply or even free.

I think the playground assistants and teachers will notice if there is an issue.

This reminds me of when people used to tell me by baby had bare feet in the pram and didn't I want to pop some socks on them so they didn't get cold- like I hadn't thought of that myself and tried to make them keep their socks on a BILLION times already.

Cutecat and Feelingfine DS has ASD too, and he has declared that doing his coat up makes him colder.

But he also has a tendency to don his scarf, hat and gloves at any opportunity, so I figure he's probably okay for the 15 minutes it takes to get to/from school.

OP, there are a fair few kids at DS's school who wear shorts all year round, and I've even seen a tshirt only with it in the past couple of weeks (we're in England, so I'm in my thick down coat and gloves). I would go down the route of gently inquiring about whether DD doesn't seem to feel the cold the same as us adults do.

You might still cause upset if the parents are genuinely struggling for cash, as it will probably be a sore point. But your heart is obviously in the right place, so I think you will do it obviously in a non-judgemental way.

Well of course, you're not being unreasonable, but, Without knowing the mum. It's difficult to know what to do. Some people are grateful for help, others won't take anything. Regardless of how desperate they are.
I second passing it in to the teacher, as they have ways and means of approaching parents.

Don't. Just don't. You'll come over as acting all Lady Bountiful. There are many ways of getting coats cheaply - in fact, my eldest dd pointed out she'd never had a new coat until the inevitable Superdry coat in year 7. It's also March - a couple more weeks, and everyone will be out of winter coats anyway.

My son doesn't have special needs.

He is on the autistic spectrum.

He doesn't like wearing a coat - It's really hard worrying that people do judge me esp when he was little.

Bitchrestingface I think we may have cross-posted, as I was agreeing with RubyRo's approach, and just offering the info about DS for context.

As far as I am aware, the kids at DS's school who go in shorts have no SEN, just don't seem to feel the cold...but they are also not visibly shivering.

I'd go for it OP but I wouldn't say you noticed she was freezing as that could sound like a put down to the Mum.

I'd just say I've been given a coat but it's the wrong age for my DD you wouldn't be able to use it would you I've not really got the room to keep it for ages for her to grow into.

I've done it loads of times,coats,shoes,pumps,P.E bags all new that I bought especially for the child I was giving it to but the parents didn't know that they just thought it was stuff I had laying around at home.

I have been the mum in this position, who could not afford uniform for my son when he started school in September (well, we had trousers & polo shirts from DS1, and I bought one school jumper, but couldn't afford any more at that moment - DH had not been working for most of the year & it was all we could do to pay the mortgage ).

I was not in the least bit embarrassed or humiliated or offended when a friend, who is also the mother of a friend of DS1, offered us a bag of uniform from her DS, which was now too small for him. I don't know if she was aware of our financial position I was grateful & she was happy to offer it! In return, I had her DS round to play/tea a couple of times & am now in a position to offer some baby bits to another friend (paying it forward).

What swquestion said! If the little girl is really in need, the relief of the mum would probably outweigh the hurt to her pride. And many suggestions have been offered for playing it tactfully.

You could also ask their main teacher what they think of your idea (again, tactfully so you don't come across as meddling). They might be aware if there are money issues (e.g. the little girl might also not be bringing in food, or participating in school trips except if the school helps etc).

To those who said second hand clothes are cheap - there are people who can't afford those either. We recently had a heartbreaking (and genuine) post in a Fb parenting group from a mum whose husband left them without a penny, and she could not afford any clothes for her fast-growing toddler (and barely food) until the divorce proceedings progressed. It was a complicated situation abroad, but the point is, people can be too poor to buy a coat. There was an armed forces veteran in this country who literally starved to death, with an empty fridge and £3 in his bank account, after the government cut benefits.

Dont go to the teacher thats is being overly invested

It's really hard worrying that people do judge me esp when he was little

But this isn't about you, is it? It is about a child who might be suffering.

OP sounds well aware that the child might choosing not to wear a coat and is not judging the mother, but trying to help.

My child wasn't suffering though?

The assumption he may have been and I was oblivious as his parent is really insulting.

Is handing stuff on not normal everywhere? Even to people you don't know that well? One of my neighbours used to love seeing DD2 in a snowsuit that had come through both of her DDs and DD1. I've now given it to another friend for her DD!

I think if you do it like that OP it'll be fine. Our DDs rarely have new (unless my Mum buys it) and I don't mind it at all!

shiny, CuteCat is only sharing her experience.

And it is hard when you worry that people are judging you.

It is, it's a horrid feeling when you think people are judging you.

However, it doesn't trump the needs of a child.

I typed out a long post and then deleted it.

I think the "head in the sand" phrase is a red rag to parents who have gone through the process of having their child diagnosed with autism. That is not an option for us. Like Cutecat says, suggesting we might be oblivious feels insulting.

We may be many things (eg stressed, exhausted - from navigating services and other people's attitudes), but oblivious is not one of them.

See the teacher. They are normally the ones that deal with this stuff. At ds2s infant school there was a girl who wore a too small summer dress and waterproof jacket in the middle of winter. The headteacher ended up talking to the parents and gave them winter lost property clothes. I spoke to ds2s teacher as I was worried for the girl.

Passing stuff on is normal - but going out to buy something to pass on is.... well, just too much, no matter what the motivation is behind the gesture.