DH has been an arse but I may have overreacted...AIBU or not?

[everybodysang]

I have been away with DD (5) for the weekend. Nowhere terribly exciting, just staying near some friends whose DD was having a birthday party and then we did a few nice things around the place. We had a lovely time.

DH wasn't with us as DSD and DSS were at ours for the weekend. All fine there.

Got home, after DD's bedtime but she really wanted to play a short game with both DH and I before bed, we agreed, he went off to "check on something" and came back 10 minutes later off his face. He'd obviously gone out to smoke a
joint, and he was really, really out of it. I told him it was obvious what was going on and he said he'd better go and lie down. I did shout at him - said he was pathetic.

Put DD to bed and then an hour later he came down, said I was overreacting and that I knew when we got together that he smoked cannabis sometimes.

To put it all into context he does smoke very rarely these days. But a while ago he got into the habit of smoking cannabis substitute he buys online - and I absolutely detest that. It seems so stupid and dangerous to just smoke whatever crap you've bought online.

He says it was cannabis tonight and that it was a bit stronger than he expected. I said I didn't really believe him, but it COULD be true.

I am not really bothered if he has the odd joint, really. I AM bothered that he hadn't seen DD all weekend and then went straight off for a smoke and was then too wasted to play her little game. I don't want her to see him like that. I don't want her to think that's ok. And if it IS synthetic crap he's bought online then I am very bothered about that as he could do himself real harm for such a stupid reason.

The AIBU bit is that I really yelled at him once she was in bed and he came back down. I said I hated him and he'd ruined the weekend for me and I wished I had never met him. Now I am in bed alone and he is in the spare room.

The thing is - I do hate him right now. I am so angry and upset. Is it an overreaction?

I would also give yourself a bloody good metaphorical slp to think for one minute that you were over reacting, even before finding out about the Postman Pat delivery

to me, it was clear from the very first post that your H has a problem, and by association, so do you

*slap

good email OP

hope it all works out

I've been around the block a bit, and I know that sometimes nice kind people do fucking stupid things

fingers crossed for you

I'm not going to enter into any more discussion of the rights or wrongs of drugs versus whatever, but just wanted to say I think you wrote a good email, made yourself very clear, and in actually quite a reasonable way considering how you've been made to feel. It must have been very hard to do, but better to draw a firm line now. If he is telling the truth and this was the beginning of a 'backslide' then let's hope it's stopped it in his tracks.

I hope you can move past this and your dh lives up to your expectations of him from now on.

How is buying illegal drugs through the post worse than buying illegal drugs off a dealer? Is it because the likelihood of being caught increases if you use the post? Or is the risk of the dc finding it? I don't get this. Surely the risks are there no matter how they are bought.

Possession of cannabis is still illegal, although I think the policy of the police is to turn a blind eye if it is just for your personal use.

Good email everybody. While I understand the issue some posters have with your "line in the sand" re. the drugs, you've never had a problem with him having the occasional spliff before, so it would be perhaps a step too far in THIS INSTANCE, at THIS point in time, to insist that he must never have any drugs again or you're out. Because that's you changing the goalposts.

BUT. If he manages to follow the conditions that you've already put in place, THEN you need to have a chat with him about cleaning up completely. If he's reached a point of dependency, that I believe he has (as do some others) then he's not going to be able to just take it back down to "an occasional spliff". So he's going to have to stop altogether. Whether you choose, after discussing it with him, to make that another "dealbreaker" is up to you - I think I would, in all honesty, but I'm not you.

If I am being honest, I think all the signs are that he is going to fail

But I guess op has to do this. She has to bring herself out of the denial stage bit by bit. It'

It's a process

I got to page 3 and gave up, the hysterical reactions on here are quite funny.

Speaking as a Dad with alcohol issues

delaying playing with DD to use drug of choice - not impressive

Family time takes precedence over everything

Personal mental numbness - secondary importance

i am more than aware that my reponsibilities to DW are impacted by my choices -but that is a different discussion

I think I agree with you AF, sadly.

well, if he fails, he fails. I've laid out my conditions and I have to trust that he will at least try. Which I do.

He may well have been smoking more at home when I've been away at work but actually I don't think he has - he has to produce a high volume of work and I know that he can't when he's stoned, and I know for a fact the work is being done (because I work in the same industry, used to work for the same company, and still know many of the people in the same company). And when he does it in the evening it's really obvious. I do genuinely think it's been ages since he has done it, like I said. So I do trust him on that.

So we'll see.

Yep

The cannabis substitute you are on about is extremely dangerous, lots of people in my town have died from smoking it. Cardiac arrest, directly related to smoking it. Its called spice round here and its absolutely disgusting. Please warn you OH if he must smoke, make sure he sticks to the real thing.

EBS - in the midst of it all and with both you and your DH's feelings running higher than normal it might be difficult to reach an acceptable decision for you both right now. It might help to leave him alone for a bit to consider what happened (and thereby perhaps be in a better place to listen to your concerns) and it's also important for you to be with yourself to resolve your feelings of anger and hurt about this. Until this happens neither of you can move forward. This could be an opportunity for you to explore difficult feelings inside you. (might it be related to something that happened when you were a child?) Everyone has the right to feel angry and it's ok to over react - we are all only human.
What's important is what you decide to do next - good decisions are not best made when you are overwhelmed with feeling. Wait. Say nothing. (easy for me to say, I know) Think a bit. Give him some space. Take some space for yourself and if you possibly can then put this issue down for a short while. (its not giving in - its giving yourself compassion) Try to not think it through too much. (in 5 years time will this be a big or small issue?) Wait. Ask kindly (because you love him) if he will agree to a time to talk about it again at a future point. (who wants to talk to someone who is very very angry - even if the anger is justified?) Nothing will be lost by waiting and there is everything to gain. Welcome your self love and resolution skills.

He could have at least waited till she was asleep

Personally, I would have a problem with any drug around my children or in our home. I have always made it crystal clear to any boyfriend that is me or the drug from the very start of a relationship so I find the "you can still smoke cannabis" beyond my comprehension but recognise we are all different. I do think it is possible your DH has more of a problem than you think but maybe the biggest problem is you have different values. He thinks it is acceptable to smoke whilst your step kids or your daughter is around albeit out of sight even though they will likely recognise the difference in him ante and post puff.. You also have an issue of trust there and maybe a little bit of head in sand on both sides; maybe this should be explored further with some relationship counselling. I think much of your email was great but if it were me I'd probably want to talk more about the reasons he feels the need to put himself at risk, how he can better manage his stress levels in a healthier way and how he can avoid temptation. The problems he has that make his want to relax in this way have to be addressed or he has little chance of keeping his promises to you no matter how much he might want to. An ultimatum is a great starting place for getting back to some normalcy but isn't really the solution. This has been a horrible time for you but hopefully you will both come out of this stronger and more in sync which will be much better for your DD too. Good luck.

No, it's ok, don't get hysterical, OP has explained very clearly where the boundaries are - it's ok to do illegal drugs as long as he doesn't buy them through the post and smoke them just before their dd wants to play. Otherwise, it's fine, she hasn't got a problem with the drugs.

Is it spice that he's smoking? I'll admit I don't know much about it and have no personal experience, but the little I do know is that it's a lot more dangerous, damaging, and addictive than cannabis.

We've been very open with each other over the last day or two and I think we're in a good place, actually. Which feels like a million miles away from where we were a very short time ago.

Of course everyone is different and I don't expect everyone to understand my position/boundaries but I do still appreciate everyone's advice and contributions.

To be clear - no. I do not have an issue with the use of cannabis (though there have been some VERY interesting points re: the morality of contributing the drug trade which I have discussed with him and I think have made a difference). But I don't have an issue with its use in a general sense, which I realise makes some of you think I am an evil, terrible mother. I can't get on board with that, I'm afraid. I don't use any drugs. I barely drink alcohol these days and I made it very clear I had an issue with drug use around my child.

I do think there are very serious issues around cannabis as it is now versus how it was - some strains are much stronger now, I think, and for a slightly older generation (he's nearing his 50s) there's a bit of a disconnect between how he feels he can cope with it and how he actually can cope with it. And obviously I have an issue with synthetic cannabis, as you all know.

And yes, I have an issue with it being posted to the house and I think it's disingenuous to claim not to understand why so I'm not about to go into that.

I do thank you all for helping me realise where my boundaries are - even if they don't always chime with all of yours.

My Dad was a drug user. All sorts of drugs. He's the reason I've never ever even smoked a cigarette, let alone tried anything else, and for a long time I was teetotal too. Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee...

Even I don't have an issue with the use of cannabis. Even I can see that - other than the entirely arbitrary fact that it is illegal - it is no more or less harmful than alcohol, synthetics aside. On a logical basis, if you clutch your pearls over smoking a joint, you shouldn't be drinking alcohol either.

I support you, OP.