DH has been an arse but I may have overreacted...AIBU or not?

[everybodysang]

I have been away with DD (5) for the weekend. Nowhere terribly exciting, just staying near some friends whose DD was having a birthday party and then we did a few nice things around the place. We had a lovely time.

DH wasn't with us as DSD and DSS were at ours for the weekend. All fine there.

Got home, after DD's bedtime but she really wanted to play a short game with both DH and I before bed, we agreed, he went off to "check on something" and came back 10 minutes later off his face. He'd obviously gone out to smoke a
joint, and he was really, really out of it. I told him it was obvious what was going on and he said he'd better go and lie down. I did shout at him - said he was pathetic.

Put DD to bed and then an hour later he came down, said I was overreacting and that I knew when we got together that he smoked cannabis sometimes.

To put it all into context he does smoke very rarely these days. But a while ago he got into the habit of smoking cannabis substitute he buys online - and I absolutely detest that. It seems so stupid and dangerous to just smoke whatever crap you've bought online.

He says it was cannabis tonight and that it was a bit stronger than he expected. I said I didn't really believe him, but it COULD be true.

I am not really bothered if he has the odd joint, really. I AM bothered that he hadn't seen DD all weekend and then went straight off for a smoke and was then too wasted to play her little game. I don't want her to see him like that. I don't want her to think that's ok. And if it IS synthetic crap he's bought online then I am very bothered about that as he could do himself real harm for such a stupid reason.

The AIBU bit is that I really yelled at him once she was in bed and he came back down. I said I hated him and he'd ruined the weekend for me and I wished I had never met him. Now I am in bed alone and he is in the spare room.

The thing is - I do hate him right now. I am so angry and upset. Is it an overreaction?

I don't need substantiated evidence, no, but he will.

I mean something that isn't just a tragic Facebook photo or the like.

I am fairly sure nobody was pissed on the sherry when advising me...

The thing is I come from a background where drug taking was a horrendous problem. Not my parents but my brother, my friends, I got involved in a horrendous group situation where out of 7 of us, only one - me - is alive today because of drug taking. I come from a poor, working class, drug addled area and I hate it.

But I still don't have a problem with anyone having the occasional joint. I just don't. I can't pretend that I do. I have a HUGE problem with it happening around my child.

Why will 'he need evidence'?

You find it unacceptable quite rightly so. There's his 'evidence' or reason.

Your evidence....

He was disinterested in your daughter and selfishly more interested in whatever he was using. Surely YOU have all the evidence YOU need.

I would take an educated bet that a lot more people on this forum have been affected by the legal drug alcohol than by illegal drugs.

I am not saying that is ok but the horrified reactions about it being illegal while most of the posters probably posted last night with glass of wine in hand just makes me

Here you go OP spiceaddictionsupport.org/what-is-spice/

What do your friends and family think about his drug use? I'm guessing they aren't too bothered either?

That's an odd assumption Cutecat, how on earth can you know people had been drinking? I certainly hadn't. And to be comparable to the situation with the OP, those people would need to have been drunk and incapable in front of their children.

There is another live thread going on about problems with the dad drinking in front of the child and nobody is minimising that. In fact there is not a single post saying "oh it's fine and never harmed me."

OP if you are fine with cannabis use that's that's your perogative. I don't understand it so will back out here. You can all look forward to when your DD is a teen and you DH can enjoy joints with his daughter.

I'm coming in rather late to this thread, but I do think that how your DP responds to what you've said this morning will tell you a lot about his relationship with drugs.

If it really is just a casual, occasional, joint which he can easily take or leave then he'll be able to give up won't he?

If he either can't or won't give up then it has more of a hold over him than you thought.

For me, the issue would have been the timing of the smoke. Had he done it once DD was safely asleep in bed - and if it really was very occasional & something you knew about before you got together - I probably wouldn't have minded. Being visibly stoned in front of your DC is a very different scenario.

I didn't say being off your face on anything in front of DC is ok - but the OP wasn't so was a protective factor.

I was referring to all the sanctimonious posts about it being illegal which to me is irrelevant.

A glass of wine is not comparable to being shit-faced.

It's still normalising drug use. And that's what this is about, isn't it?

Or maybe not?

Are we 'anti-drugs' around kids? Or just 'anti-drugs, but alcohol is fine as long as you're not quite shitfaced' around kids?

I think we're anti normalising criminal activity.

I think you over-reacted, sorry.

He timed it badly. But was the game really so important? Couldn't you have told DD he was tired and he'd play with her tomorrow?

I would have been a bit tight-lipped but I wouldn't have shouted. If you're usually fine with an occasional joint he probably assumed you wouldn't mind.

I would, however, be concerned about regular smoking or the substance bought online. But that's a topic for a discussion with him in private, focusing on risks to his health etc, not a reason to explode.

yes, you were implying that anyone with a glass of wine was being hypocritical then, Cat

are you hard of thinking ?

by "illegal" it means that there will be severe consequences if "only" for his ability to provide for his family were he to get caught 1) purchasing 2) something happening to the kids when in the care of someone under the influence of drugs

that is not "irrelevant"

although I am sure the subject of this thread will think so

I think the main problem is that he agreed to play the game with DD and THEN fucked off to have a smoke.

That's underhand, IMO. Why not play with her a bit and then have his smoke after she went to bed?

The trouble with providing "evidence" is that it just gives him fodder to argue against, and anyway it clouds the issue. The only important thing here is that he has crossed a line for you. You're not being prudish - you've shown that you're generally more liberal than many people are on this issue, and if you're risk averse, it's with good reason.
Don't be ashamed of standing by your belief that it is unacceptable for you to do what he did last night. If he's the good man and father you say he is, then he'll listen to you and act upon it.

Assuming he can.

There are not going to be "severe" consequences for smoking a bit of weed.

We blindly go along with the ridiculous drugs laws in this country and form our opinions around the legality.

IMO (as a former drugs worker) alcohol does far more damage than cannabis.

Alcohol would be illegal and a class A if a new drug now - Cannabis is a class B.

There is no bigger stupidity indicator than whining and footstamping about something being 'illegal'. Laws are made up by human beings, often based on prejudice and/or as a way of keeping the 'lower orders' in their place.

And laws change. The drug laws in the UK are ridiculous, and they get altered every now and again, sometimes for better, sometimes for worse, but all the boo hoo, waah, IT'S A CRIME stuff on here is just ridiculous.

I really feel for you here OP. I think you've done the right thing by taking a hard line. Hopefully it will give him a shock and he will take the hint to sort himself out.

I have no experience of drug use but do drink alcohol. I think the comparisons between him having a glass of wine and this scenario are misleading - he wouldn't have been off his face on one glass of wine and also it fails to take into account the seedy, criminal world associated with drug taking. That said, I would have been furious in your situation regardless of whether it was a joint, glass of wine, cigarette or cup of coffee as he was putting his needs ahead of his daughter's after not seeing her all weekend.

It's totally naive to think that teenagers would have been oblivious to his smoking the night before - as you say yourself, you can smell it on him. Really crap role model.

If he is generally a lovely bloke, as you say he is, I think there's a deeper problem here - maybe something he's not talking about. Hopefully you will have given him an incentive to sort it out.

Good luck.

oh god I think there are some massive REEFER MADNESS!!! overreactions on this thread

Jeremy Kyle???

I know a lot of parents who used to have the odd recreational spliff (everyone's getting on a bit now and most of us would prefer a cup of tea and a biscuit)

Also parents who would finish the bottle rather than stick it back in the fridge every now and then

SHOOT ME

the problem here I think for all of you is the gear change from your respective weekends. I remember this feeling- from both pov. The with-the-kids parent has had a lovely time, looking forward to telling the OH about it- while the without-the-kids parent has had something more like the sort of weekend they used to have.

This is often a recipe for disaster

your DH has made it a disaster by having a spliff before bedtime. What a complete cock. I mean really. Self control, much??

I think he's been a dick. But I really, really wouldn't let my family break up over a spliff. Imagine explaining THAT to your dd when she's 15. She'd be all what the FUCK

Of course if things develop- yes. But not now. Kip in the spare room for a couple of nights. Tell him how you feel. Tell him it's a deal breaker and hopefully it won't happen again

if it does- take it from there

anyfucker if he really does just smoke it occasionally in the unlikely event that he did get caught in possession he'd have it confiscated and get a cannabis warning which wouldn't even go on his criminal record. That's in the extremely unlikely event he was caught in the first place, because the police aren't looking for people with small amounts for personal use.

There are not going to be "severe" consequences for smoking a bit of weed.

If he manages to avoid the couple (and more I could list) scenarios then no, of course not

Would I be happy to take that risk with my kids ? No.

Drug use should be away from children. Not happening right under their noses. Oh, and the teens will recognise the smell of cannabis on him so they are aware what he is doing too.

can't c&p

grrrrr

what OnlyLovers said

Strangely enough, organisations charged with safeguarding children agree with me.

I think it's wrong to say there couldn't be 'severe' consequences tbh, losing your job could be counted as severe and could happen if he got caught and his employer took a dim view, we don't know what he does for a living and for some employers it would mean instant dismissal. I would class psychosis as severe too and I know that can happen because I've experienced it. Rightly or wrongly neither of those things would happen with moderate alcohol use although I agree overall alcohol can be equally if not more dangerous if abused. I don't think legality is really the issue here though and debating it sidetracks the thread, synthetic cannabis is technically legal but still leaves the OP with the same problem.