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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has been an arse but I may have overreacted...AIBU or not?

222 replies

everybodysang · 06/03/2016 21:55

I have been away with DD (5) for the weekend. Nowhere terribly exciting, just staying near some friends whose DD was having a birthday party and then we did a few nice things around the place. We had a lovely time.

DH wasn't with us as DSD and DSS were at ours for the weekend. All fine there.

Got home, after DD's bedtime but she really wanted to play a short game with both DH and I before bed, we agreed, he went off to "check on something" and came back 10 minutes later off his face. He'd obviously gone out to smoke a
joint, and he was really, really out of it. I told him it was obvious what was going on and he said he'd better go and lie down. I did shout at him - said he was pathetic.

Put DD to bed and then an hour later he came down, said I was overreacting and that I knew when we got together that he smoked cannabis sometimes.

To put it all into context he does smoke very rarely these days. But a while ago he got into the habit of smoking cannabis substitute he buys online - and I absolutely detest that. It seems so stupid and dangerous to just smoke whatever crap you've bought online.

He says it was cannabis tonight and that it was a bit stronger than he expected. I said I didn't really believe him, but it COULD be true.

I am not really bothered if he has the odd joint, really. I AM bothered that he hadn't seen DD all weekend and then went straight off for a smoke and was then too wasted to play her little game. I don't want her to see him like that. I don't want her to think that's ok. And if it IS synthetic crap he's bought online then I am very bothered about that as he could do himself real harm for such a stupid reason.

The AIBU bit is that I really yelled at him once she was in bed and he came back down. I said I hated him and he'd ruined the weekend for me and I wished I had never met him. Now I am in bed alone and he is in the spare room.

The thing is - I do hate him right now. I am so angry and upset. Is it an overreaction?

OP posts:
BillSykesDog · 07/03/2016 08:06

I agree with Jessica. It's not ideal, but in reality if someone nips out for a spliff it's probably going to have around the same long term effect on a child as their Dad going out for a pint.

Amid all the hysteria what's been lost is what you were originally concerned about is synthetic cannabis, which is a completely different kettle of fish. I think you and I both know that he wouldn't have been in the state you describe after one spliff.

And that stuff really does have the potential to make him an active danger to you, DD and himself.

Original poster
everybodysang · 07/03/2016 08:11

Right.

I am now on my way to work.

Before I left I told him that if he was using synthetic cannabis then our relationship was over.

I said that whatever it was he was using, it was disgusting that he was unable to wait till she was in bed. That he was not 'cool' for wanting to have a joint every now and again, it was pathetic and that I was not cool with it. That it was not the same as having wine and that he was scummy for saying it was.

I told him to think about what I had said and to email me later with the truth.

And now I am sobbing on the train station. I meant what I said but... I love him. We have a happy life together. If I have to leave him I will but... I would much rather find a way to work this out. This is my second marriage, I know how much divorce hurts and he is - I know none of you want to believe this! - a lovely man.

But of course DD has to come first.

This is horrible.

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 07/03/2016 08:16

If he really does smoke occasionally and never in front of the kids then that is a completely ridiculous overreaction....

Just because he didn't smoke it whilst sitting next to his daughter doesn't make it ok. The fact he went outside and did it does not make it ok.

As far as I'm concerned, if he's sitting with his child while mashed out of his face on Cannabis then he IS doing it in front of his daughter.

AnyFucker · 07/03/2016 08:16

Well, if he is a lovely husband and father he will knock it on the head won't he ?

You won't need to follow through with your ultimatums if he is only a very occasional user because he will be able to stop using illegal drugs that are very dodgy indeed

And he definitely won't do it when his kids are around because he will understand it is a very poor example and potentially dangerous

ManneryTowers · 07/03/2016 08:17

Jessica. Just because something is tolerated or accepted in some circles or families does not make it legal or healthy. I get so fed up of this 'oh it's only one spliff' attitude. It's illegal, it's harmful and a young child of any parent doing it has no say in the effect on that parent's temperament or personality after smoking cannabis. It's the wrong thing to be doing around a child. I don't think any of my posts have been 'hysterical', I'm just not going to be swayed in my opinion of what is basic right and wrong.

AnyFucker · 07/03/2016 08:18

Yes, in this context "in front of" is interchangeable with "under the influence of when around"

Writerwannabe83 · 07/03/2016 08:22

I used to go out with someone who described himself as an "occasional joint smoker" and I was stupid and very naive to believe it.

When I finally woke up to the fact he was doing it far more often than he said he was I said that he either got help for it or our relationship was over. He said he'd get help, told me he was seeing someone weekly etc but he was obviously lying as that's what drug users who try to hide/downplay their addictions do.

I know it's not the same as your situation OP as we weren't together for anywhere near as long as you and your DP (only 3 years in total) but it's all about deciding what you will and will not accept.

The fact you have a child is not reason to be more accepting because you don't want to break up the family, but the reason why you should be less accepting because so you really want her growing up around this?

What if she finds her dad's supply?

I remember reading an article a few years ago about a child who ingested some of her parent's cannabis supply and the outcome was not good.

RaptorsCantPlayPoker · 07/03/2016 08:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OliviaStabler · 07/03/2016 08:30

He could not wait 10 minutes while he played a game with his DD, he had to go outside and smoke.

He is an addict.

Original poster
everybodysang · 07/03/2016 08:37

So - should he say, ok, I'll stop, what should I do? What should I be asking for from him?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/03/2016 08:41

Yes he should stop.

But most of all you need to decide what you will do when 1) he point blank refuses to 2) tries to and is openly unable to 3) says he will but carries on behind your back

Any ultimatum is a complete waste of time if you are not able to follow through and actually puts you in a worse situation than before

AnyFucker · 07/03/2016 08:43

Decide what your line is.

If your line is that he does the odd spliff but nowhere near any of his kids then go with that. That would be my line.

AnyFucker · 07/03/2016 08:45

And he actively looks for a different way to manage his work stress.

Writerwannabe83 · 07/03/2016 08:48

I agree with Anyfucker.

If he wants to do it occasionally (and it really must be occasionally) then he is not to do it in the house and especially not when the children are home. Just because the other children he did it around are teenagers does not make it ok at all - if anything they are more impressionable and do you really want to set the example to them that using illegal drugs is ok?

Cutecat78 · 07/03/2016 08:49

This reaction on wine O clock Mumsnet .....

The irony.....

girlywhirly · 07/03/2016 08:49

OP, cannabis can cause psychosis. Not knowing what 'strength' the particular batch is that is being smoked is risky, at least you can see what strength wine is from the label. Your DH is now becoming lax and thinks it's OK to smoke when his DC are at home. You say he excuses his use of cannabis because he has lots of self doubt and doesn't sleep well - have you considered that these might be made worse by the drug? However low you and he think his use of it is, he is psychologically dependent on it, if not physically.

I hope you can get him some help to stop.

AnyFucker · 07/03/2016 08:54

I am not drinking wine at 8am on a Monday morning.

Cutecat78 · 07/03/2016 08:57

I don't think the OPs partner is smoking weed at 8am on a Monday morning Confused it doesn't say so in the OP I apologise if I am mistaken.

Original poster
everybodysang · 07/03/2016 08:58

Also it was Sunday night when I posted, even the most hardened of MN wine drinkers is probably wrapping it up a bit then...

I suspect he might query my hardline against synthetic cannabis - he thinks I am very risk averse (which is fair, I am a bit) so I am not sure he takes my concerns about it completely seriously. Anyone got any good, substantiated links I can send him?

OP posts:
Original poster
everybodysang · 07/03/2016 08:59

No, no cannabis at 8am (at least I hope not!)

OP posts:
TheStoic · 07/03/2016 09:00

I hate ALL drug use around children. Including alcohol.

But anyone who thinks cannibis use is worse for society than alcohol use is delusional.

Kids need to learn that a drug is a drug, and just because our government have decided that one is OK, and others are not, means literally nothing.

Friendlystories · 07/03/2016 09:06

I think occasional use (and I would classify that as once every month or couple of months rather than every weekend) after the kids are in bed is where I would draw the line, if that's where it stops. Saying he uses it as a way to manage stress is a red flag for me, we all need to be able to manage normal life stress without self medicating, whether it's with cannabis, alcohol or any other drug. Recreational use should be just that, something we do for fun and pleasure not a way to 'manage' life. Feeling that he 'needs' any drug is not healthy and could indicate depression or anxiety which (believe me!) are much better treated with the appropriate prescription drugs the use of which is overseen by a doctor. I self medicated with cannabis for years because of MH problems and 'lost' a large chunk of my life as a result, it's really not the best way of dealing with feeling unable to handle stress or life in general. Set your boundaries OP, whether that's occasional use as described or nothing at all (and definitely no synthetic stuff, no one knows what's in that shit) and see if he can stick to them, if not there's a bigger problem here and you will need to reassess where you go from there.

Friendlystories · 07/03/2016 09:08

You don't need substantiated evidence OP, it has 'not for human consumption' printed on the label, that's the only evidence you need.

AnyFucker · 07/03/2016 09:08

Cat...you weren't implying then that MN 'ers kind enough to take time out of their Sunday evening to advise op were actually pissed on the sherry and being hypocritical ?

StickyToffeePuddingAndCustard · 07/03/2016 09:11

OP, you do seem like you've been affected by this incident and I think it has shook some of your beliefs about drug taking so I think that is a good thing.

You have people on here admitting to be ex drug takers, who've had relationships with drug takers and telling you the reality of the damage they've experienced with cannabis use. Hardly hysterical wine o'clock fodder.

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