DH has been an arse but I may have overreacted...AIBU or not?

[everybodysang]

I have been away with DD (5) for the weekend. Nowhere terribly exciting, just staying near some friends whose DD was having a birthday party and then we did a few nice things around the place. We had a lovely time.

DH wasn't with us as DSD and DSS were at ours for the weekend. All fine there.

Got home, after DD's bedtime but she really wanted to play a short game with both DH and I before bed, we agreed, he went off to "check on something" and came back 10 minutes later off his face. He'd obviously gone out to smoke a
joint, and he was really, really out of it. I told him it was obvious what was going on and he said he'd better go and lie down. I did shout at him - said he was pathetic.

Put DD to bed and then an hour later he came down, said I was overreacting and that I knew when we got together that he smoked cannabis sometimes.

To put it all into context he does smoke very rarely these days. But a while ago he got into the habit of smoking cannabis substitute he buys online - and I absolutely detest that. It seems so stupid and dangerous to just smoke whatever crap you've bought online.

He says it was cannabis tonight and that it was a bit stronger than he expected. I said I didn't really believe him, but it COULD be true.

I am not really bothered if he has the odd joint, really. I AM bothered that he hadn't seen DD all weekend and then went straight off for a smoke and was then too wasted to play her little game. I don't want her to see him like that. I don't want her to think that's ok. And if it IS synthetic crap he's bought online then I am very bothered about that as he could do himself real harm for such a stupid reason.

The AIBU bit is that I really yelled at him once she was in bed and he came back down. I said I hated him and he'd ruined the weekend for me and I wished I had never met him. Now I am in bed alone and he is in the spare room.

The thing is - I do hate him right now. I am so angry and upset. Is it an overreaction?

Rebecca you said: I stand by what I said about some reactions being hysterical to smoking one joint.

I wish the people with such casual attitudes would think about what's gone on before a joint is offered around at a party. There are several agencies dealing with trafficking on cannabis farms (see earlier link) but who cares as long as its not your child or family that's been trafficked and is being exploited, stop being hysterical it's just one joint.

When we stared a family, I told my dh that was it for his smoking.

I don't care if that makes me uncool or controlling.

That was my rule for my home and my babies. He was free to disagree and live apart from me.

11 years on he's still here...and my five year old isn't at risk of picking up a packet of drugs he's had delivered. Nor has he ever been ignored by his stoned dad.

jessica not rebecca

Rebecca??

The OP posted that her DH smoked the odd joint once in a blue moon (going by her saying the last time was Summer 15). Now, it's emerged that the situation is a lot worse than that, but before OP updated she was told:

• Her DH is an addict
• She will lose her children
• She's a shit parent

That is the kind of thing I'm talking about in relation to posters being hysterical over one joint. The rights and wrongs of cannabis farming don't come in to the equation here. As I already stated, I haven't given my personal opinion on cannabis use nor am I a user. So you have no way of knowing whether I have a casual attitude or not towards cannabis farming/trafficking as my replies have been geared towards the OP's situation and the replies she was getting.

HTH

Sorry ignore the first part - I see it was a typo!

HTH

Although I can see what you are getting at (mostly the point about losing children), perhaps some of the people making those comments had the real life experience of the damaging impact of cannabis use. As you say, things have moved on, and pretty much as predicted by some, it's shown that her DH's situation really is more damaging than the odd spliff (your first bullet point).

Although the OP doesn't sound like a shit parent in many, many ways, a lot of people including myself will never agree with her attitude on casual cannabis use where there are children at the property. Whether that's from a trafficking angle, depression, psychosis, danger to young children when stoned or some other destructive way. I think it is unfair to label that difference of opinion as hysterical.

There's another thread about a dad heavily drinking (one off after a period of being sober) and there is none of this casual attitude on there. Everyone's taking the risks of alcohol abuse seriously on that thread. On threads referring to cannabis though, there are always more people than you'd ever expect saying it's OK, no harm done, minimising, even where there are young children on on the property (I am not saying you've said that yourself).

I know I said I was going to stop posting on this thread earlier but I really am now. OP even though we disagree on attitudes to cannabis use, I wish you all the very best sorting this situation out.

This is a 'legal high' by the sounds of things which is basically just a chemical that isn't illegal to smoke but is much much stronger than weed. What an irresponsible man.

It wouldn't be unreasonable for you to leave never mind tell him off.

Hope you're alright and he values his family life enough to pack it in

oh balls, I've left some details on there which are a bit identifying - I've reported it, hope to have it removed and will repost minus the details!

Issues about trafficking and illegality aside

If-and it's a big IF- this is a one off/dad is really only doing this occasionally, there's a big difference between that and an alcoholic who's been dry for a bit and now going on a bender

The problem is one of dependency

If your dp was a habitual smoker, then I'm pretty sure this problem would have come up before? Has it?

It sounds to me like a bit of stupid opportunism on his part.

If he's not a habitual user, the issue as I see it is does he realise what a stupid thing he's done

If he does, swears he'll never do it again, I'd give him a last chance

If however he keeps on minimising/ failing to realise what he's done here, then you'll have rethink

Good luck OP

Great email OP.

Let's hope he stays true to his word though. Words come easy but the actions may not.

I think that is a good email. Hopefully, if he isn't too far down the line, this will be the kick up the arse he needs.

If he ever backslides then you have to stick to your word so he realises that the consequences really are that serious.

Best of luck.

Great email. Nice work. Good luck.

Well done Op. I hope that this is a shock for your DH and he amends his way. Lots of for you. A tough couple of days. You are so not a shit parent by the way. You have put your daughter first here.

Ha, sorry about the PA HTH Toffee!

For what it's worth I generally agree with you. I know some posters will have had bad personal experiences with cannabis and others won't but still are strongly against it and that's fine, but I think they devalue their own point a bit when instead of expressing themselves rationally they go off on a tangent about how SS will be getting involved if she doesn't LTB today! It feels like an attempt to heckle her into doing what they say.

Thankfully the good advice now seems to be outweighing the bad and she's dealing with his behaviour so hopefully there will be a good outcome

Ok I am reposting the earlier message without the identifying details!

Bit of an update.

he replied:

"I know it was wrong. But I had stopped, and I backslid. I didn't, I wasn't, I'm not behaving like you seem to think."

And I replied:

*"I am not thinking you are behaving like anything.

I saw you behaving in a shitty way in front of a five year old with my own eyes. I saw you try to tell me my reaction was wrong - which it most definitely is not. You are now telling me you had illegal drugs delivered through the post to our home.

I don't need to try and dress this up as something. This is how you are ACTUALLY behaving, not how I think you are behaving.

Also please think about this - you had the stuff twice and you reacted differently each time. It made you totally wiped out... and you STILL think this is real cannabis? You are either completely deluding yourself or you are lying to me. You are getting some utter shite which could cause any kind of mental or physical reaction, that you cannot predict - that you have admitted you cannot predict - and I am supposed to be OK with you being in charge of our daughter?

I am not.

And I am not really ok with you messing around with your mental health and your body either, given that I'll have to pick up the fucking pieces if you end up in some kind of fucking psychosis.

I am absolutely telling you to choose. No ambiguity here. You get ANYTHING sent to our home again, I'm out. Smoke weed, fine, I don't like it much but if you must for fuck's sake get it from someone you know, and don't even think about smoking it round her ever again. You do, I am out.

If you can't promise me those things, then I am out right now, so think carefully about whether you can or not.

I am so upset. I am upset that you ruined what was a lovely weekend for me. I am upset that you tried to make out I was the one in the wrong. I am upset that you are such an idiot that you either think it's ok to get illegal drugs sent to our house OR that you still think it's ok to lie to me about buying synthetic cannabis, either one of these is pretty awful.

Believe me when I say this. If we break up because of this I will make sure everyone knows why. I will make sure everyone in your life, in my life, in her life, knows why. And I will make sure she knows why. Because you chose getting wasted over her and us. Everyone will know. I am not threatening you. I am promising you this is what will happen. You need to know how seriously I am taking this.

You have put us at risk and I am livid and I am heartbroken.

So it's your choice. If you choose to stay with us then there's no second chances."*

He has replied saying he promises me those things. And that he is terribly sorry.

I want to trust him because I love him so I will give him this chance... and we'll see what happens. I think I've been pretty clear on my feelings and as someone said upthread, this could be taken as an opportunity to address things and set boundaries. I don't want to break up our marriage and our family, I want to work together to sort it out.

I want to thank everyone, everyone on this thread who has taken the time to reply. Even those who said I was a shit parent! I genuinely don't think I am but it's made me think hard and made me realise that I wasn't overreacting. He's been a grade-A arsehole and he needs to show me he can do this.

I feel bloody awful. I've had to cancel my event this evening as I'm such a state. I'm so sad.

Brilliant email OP

I think you are over-complicating things. He's a parent. Using any drugs is out unless you are an asshole. The distinction you are drawing between "weed" and other substances is nonsense and diminishes your argument.

Everything you are saying about synthetic substances etc applies to cannabis/weed.

Strength is unpredictable
Risk is unpredictable
He is risking his physical and mental health
He is risking your childs physical and mental health through passive effects

I find it very hard to understand anyone willingly bringing these risks into family life.

Great email and look, you've set out the conditions now. How can you not give him a chance to meet them?

If he does, let this go.

If he doesn't, you know what you must do.

Good luck!

You shouldn't even give him an inch of allowing any mind-altering substance (which is what cannabis is) . Why people think a joint doesn't do any harm is completely beyond me, but people are ignorant.

I have seen a grown man (a cousin) descend into a mental paranoid nutjob because he took up smoking joints again. He then became addicted but it affected his brain. He became completely delusional. He was sectioned for three months, in rehab for six months and his kids are only allowed to see him supervised once a month. He now lives at home with his aging parents. He still 'backslides' and everytime he does he become delusional and ends up being sectioned under the mental health act for six weeks.

If that is the kind of husband you want, go ahead give him leeway to have cannabis 'from a friend'.

If he indeed is an addict, your problems have only just started and you must consider rehab for him.

Well done.

I do agree with pps though that it should be all drugs, not making exceptions. He important thing is that you get what you want out of the scenario though. Sounds like he realises what a knobhead he's been.

Your position is undermined by insisting that you are ok with cannabis, which is just as illegal as whatever he bought on the internet. I think you are in a difficult position if you are saying that you are ok with him doing illegal drugs, just not before he plays a game with your dd.

I had this when I went out with a pothead, having announced at the beginning that I have no problem with pot and then later having a problem with some of his behaviour (like the behaviour you've described, though no dc involved). He thought I was trying to control him, because I had said it's fine to smoke weed and now it's like I was trying to specify the times he was allowed to do it (from his perspective).

This will not end well. If you are fine with the weed, you are fine with it and it is unfair for you to threaten breaking up with him over it and telling everybody about it. If you have changed your mind, be honest and tell him, then you can break up over it like two mature people (no threats and no insults - you knew he was a druggie and you were fine with it!).

The difference? Legality
I trust that certain drugs are made illegal and some aren't because people who know more about the subject than I do know that some are safe in sensible quantities and some are not*

Erm no that is not the case if you actually look into it.

Most studies looking into the harmful effects and addictiveness of drugs both legal and illegal put Alcohol at the top above heroin NICE did one some years ago.

Sorry I messed up my ***

OP, I think you have stated where your boundaries are now. That is fine.

if he fucks up again you must follow through on your ultimatum

I am not completely zero tolerance for drugs (although you would think so with some of the reactions I get) but I am with drugs around, in front of, down the garage, outside the back door and generally whilst there are children in the vicinity and that includes teenagers

I think your H has come very, very close to having a serious problem (as evidenced in two important ways....the inability to wait a short time until the child was in bed and the huge risk of getting them delivered by the bloody postman)

perhaps time will tell now just how far back fro the brink he actually was, because I do not think for one minute he is tellign you the truth

but...your life, your marriage. Maybe, if he really is the decent and non-addicted bloke you think he is, it's not too late to put it right

good luck