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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has been an arse but I may have overreacted...AIBU or not?

222 replies

everybodysang · 06/03/2016 21:55

I have been away with DD (5) for the weekend. Nowhere terribly exciting, just staying near some friends whose DD was having a birthday party and then we did a few nice things around the place. We had a lovely time.

DH wasn't with us as DSD and DSS were at ours for the weekend. All fine there.

Got home, after DD's bedtime but she really wanted to play a short game with both DH and I before bed, we agreed, he went off to "check on something" and came back 10 minutes later off his face. He'd obviously gone out to smoke a
joint, and he was really, really out of it. I told him it was obvious what was going on and he said he'd better go and lie down. I did shout at him - said he was pathetic.

Put DD to bed and then an hour later he came down, said I was overreacting and that I knew when we got together that he smoked cannabis sometimes.

To put it all into context he does smoke very rarely these days. But a while ago he got into the habit of smoking cannabis substitute he buys online - and I absolutely detest that. It seems so stupid and dangerous to just smoke whatever crap you've bought online.

He says it was cannabis tonight and that it was a bit stronger than he expected. I said I didn't really believe him, but it COULD be true.

I am not really bothered if he has the odd joint, really. I AM bothered that he hadn't seen DD all weekend and then went straight off for a smoke and was then too wasted to play her little game. I don't want her to see him like that. I don't want her to think that's ok. And if it IS synthetic crap he's bought online then I am very bothered about that as he could do himself real harm for such a stupid reason.

The AIBU bit is that I really yelled at him once she was in bed and he came back down. I said I hated him and he'd ruined the weekend for me and I wished I had never met him. Now I am in bed alone and he is in the spare room.

The thing is - I do hate him right now. I am so angry and upset. Is it an overreaction?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/03/2016 10:09

Well, if I got a caution for possessing cannabis I would lose my job. If my husband was randomly drug tested (which happens regularly in his industry) and found to be under the influence he would lose his job no questions asked. Perhaps you would not, Bill.

We can bellyache about how "the law is wrong" all we like but the reality is that certain occupations follow the law to the letter and organisations that safeguard children are also committed to doing so.

KanyeWesticle · 07/03/2016 10:09

It's not equivalent to a glass of wine. It could be equivalent to a full bottle. He was off his face, not just merry.

And neither is acceptable when in charge of a 5 year old.

BillSykesDog · 07/03/2016 10:10

fern if you're caught with cannabis for personal use it's unlikely your employer would ever find out. The police wouldn't tell them, you wouldn't be arrested and you wouldn't have a criminal record and you'd be under no obligation to tell them.

Cutecat78 · 07/03/2016 10:12

Social care are not interested in parents smoking a bit of weed.

The service I am employed by which includes SC get anonymous referrals all the time about this and unless there are other factors they are closed pretty quickly.

BillSykesDog · 07/03/2016 10:12

It's NOT a caution anyfucker. A cannabis warning is different from a caution, a lot less serious and doesn't go on your criminal record. Presumably he works in an industry where he isn't tested and it's not a concern.

Cutecat78 · 07/03/2016 10:13

He wasn't "in charge" of the five year old - the OP was there too.

BillSykesDog · 07/03/2016 10:14

It probably wasn't weed anyway by the sounds of things. It sounds like it was synthetic cannabis.

Friendlystories · 07/03/2016 10:14

Getting caught doesn't necessarily mean by the police though Bill, we don't know (and neither does OP) that he doesn't have so much of a problem that he's nipping out of work for a smoke, I used to.

NoCapes · 07/03/2016 10:16

I am absolutely Shock at how many people are fine with having drug users around their children
And how many people think the people who don't are drama llamas

I really really am shocked

Friendlystories · 07/03/2016 10:17

Have you read up on synthetic cannabis Bill (see link upthread)? In some ways I would be more worried about that than natural weed as is the OP.

Cutecat78 · 07/03/2016 10:19

You think it's ok to have a glass of wine around a child NoCapes?

Jux · 07/03/2016 10:24

I don't have a problem with people having a bit of weed. Just, not around children. Wait until they're in bed. And don't smoke so much that you're too wasted to cope with an emergency if one happens.

I don't get why it's different from drinking wine, though. Except that it's illegal, but personally I think that's a wrong law and should be changed.

I am NOT a smoker, btw. Can't stand weed, myself.

BillSykesDog · 07/03/2016 10:25

Yes. I've posted several times saying to the OP that it's the synthetic weed she needs to worry about because it's fucking evil dangerous stuff.

The threads been derailed by people who don't know much about either insisting that anybody who has the odd spliff will end up unemployed with a criminal record and children in care.

Inaccurate, and the thing the OP should be most concerned about is that it's synthetic cannabis (which it probably was).

OP, I don't know if you know but synthetic cannabis is going to be banned next month anyway. It's being very aggressively marketed at the moment, do you think he decided to have a 'last fling' with it?

Friendlystories · 07/03/2016 10:31

That's good news Bill, awful stuff. Don't think I've implied any consequences other than getting caught by employer and proven MH issues though and I certainly couldn't be accused of 'not knowing much', natural cannabis ruined my life for 20 years so I will never subscribe to the view that it's harmless and not a cause for concern.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 07/03/2016 10:31

What bothers me is that his need for a drug overrode his promise to play with his DD. Those people who draw parallels with alcohol, its not the same as a parent sipping a glass of wine whilst playing (note I don't drink so I am not defending wine drinkers from a personal standpoint). Its more like a parent saying to a child I'll play with you in a second then nipping into the kitchen and downing several double whiskeys and wobbling back in reeking of booze. If a parent was compelled to drink like that before playing with a child I would be equally Hmm.

I would be concern that his desire to smoke was greater than his desire to play with his DD who he hadn't seen all weekend. It suggests he might not be as much in control of his cannabis habit as he thinks. I would think the same way of someone who put drinking until fairly drunk ahead of their child.

StickyToffeePuddingAndCustard · 07/03/2016 10:38

To all the cannabis apologists, you do realise that the police have to have human trafficking procedures for children trafficked to work on cannabis farms in the UK because it is actually happening out there? So several agencies fully committed to taking the murky side of this illegal trade seriously. And you wonder why people have a problem with it? Have a think about trafficked children in the UK next time you're smoking with the cool crowd.

www.ceop.police.uk/Documents/ceopdocs/externaldocs/160810_ACPO_lead's_position_on_CYP_recovered_from_cannabis_farms_FINAL.pdf

Original poster
everybodysang · 07/03/2016 10:41

Ok. I have just had a short simple email from him saying it was NOT synthetic cannabis.

I think I trust him but I am going to ask where he got it and when. Possibly from his brother in law, we did see him fairly recently and he certainly does smoke quite a bit.

His family and friends, btw, would not be bothered by him having the odd joint. They WOULD be bothered by him doing it around the kids and if it was synthetic shit they'd be upset about that too.

Just to clarify, he does not work in an industry where there is drug testing and I can pretty much guarantee that it would not cause him to lose his job. Also, he works from home so if he did want to smoke at work he could! I'd be very surprised if he did though.

So... What now? I am going to challenge him on where he got it, as I said.

I need him to acknowledge why I am so upset and if he can't I think we are in trouble.

I hope he will.

OP posts:
BillSykesDog · 07/03/2016 10:41

No, I completely agree with you fern and think cannabis should be more tightly controlled because of the dangers of heavy use and the catastrophic effect it can have on MH. But despite that it remains true that there are quite a few people who can have the odd spliff occasionally without any particularly adverse effects. And the law and the attitude of authorities towards cannabis has considerably softened, so much of the hysteria on here is misguided. I disagree with legalisation, because it's not totally or even largely harmless, but that's another thread.

Anyway, the point that I'm trying to make, is that the hysteria on this thread about the odd spliff is distracting from the fact that in this case it sounds like the man concerned had much more serious issues than the odd spliff.

BillSykesDog · 07/03/2016 10:43

I disagree with legislation softening

Iggi999 · 07/03/2016 11:05

I don't get the comparison with having a glass of wine. No way could I consume enough wine in ten minutes that I would appear "really really out of it" and need to lie down.

BillSykesDog · 07/03/2016 11:10

Iggi, that's probably because it wasn't simply weed. Weed wouldn't do that in ten mins either.

Original poster
everybodysang · 07/03/2016 11:22

Blimey. I am feeling a bit.

He said he got it sent to him through the post from a guy in the Netherlands. I have hit the roof. I emailed back that either he was a total, unbelievable idiot to get an illegal drug sent to our house through the mail, or he was lying to me and it was synthetic.

I told him I want the truth either way but bloody hell, he's an idiot either way.

OP posts:
Original poster
everybodysang · 07/03/2016 11:23

Reeling a bit. Though I am feeling quite a lot too...

OP posts:
BillSykesDog · 07/03/2016 11:26

Everybody, he got it posted to him, it got him in a bad state really quickly. You know he's lying don't you? Blatantly synthetic.

Writerwannabe83 · 07/03/2016 11:28
Shock

I'm imagining a package popping through the letterbox and your 5 year old getting her hands on it..

I can't believe he'd be so stupid not only to risk that happening but also have imported illegal drugs sent to his address via the postal system! Just madness!

He could be smoking anything!!! How does he know it's a supplier he can trust and that the cannabis isn't a danger in some way?

I don't blame you OP for feeling a bit flummoxed about it all....