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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has been an arse but I may have overreacted...AIBU or not?

222 replies

everybodysang · 06/03/2016 21:55

I have been away with DD (5) for the weekend. Nowhere terribly exciting, just staying near some friends whose DD was having a birthday party and then we did a few nice things around the place. We had a lovely time.

DH wasn't with us as DSD and DSS were at ours for the weekend. All fine there.

Got home, after DD's bedtime but she really wanted to play a short game with both DH and I before bed, we agreed, he went off to "check on something" and came back 10 minutes later off his face. He'd obviously gone out to smoke a
joint, and he was really, really out of it. I told him it was obvious what was going on and he said he'd better go and lie down. I did shout at him - said he was pathetic.

Put DD to bed and then an hour later he came down, said I was overreacting and that I knew when we got together that he smoked cannabis sometimes.

To put it all into context he does smoke very rarely these days. But a while ago he got into the habit of smoking cannabis substitute he buys online - and I absolutely detest that. It seems so stupid and dangerous to just smoke whatever crap you've bought online.

He says it was cannabis tonight and that it was a bit stronger than he expected. I said I didn't really believe him, but it COULD be true.

I am not really bothered if he has the odd joint, really. I AM bothered that he hadn't seen DD all weekend and then went straight off for a smoke and was then too wasted to play her little game. I don't want her to see him like that. I don't want her to think that's ok. And if it IS synthetic crap he's bought online then I am very bothered about that as he could do himself real harm for such a stupid reason.

The AIBU bit is that I really yelled at him once she was in bed and he came back down. I said I hated him and he'd ruined the weekend for me and I wished I had never met him. Now I am in bed alone and he is in the spare room.

The thing is - I do hate him right now. I am so angry and upset. Is it an overreaction?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/03/2016 11:32

he is taking huge risks

those are not the actions of an "occasional" cannabis user who can take it or leave it

you say he works from home ? Have you ever popped home unexpectedly during the day ?

cuntycowfacemonkey · 07/03/2016 11:33

What kind of idiot buys drugs off the internet and has them posted to the house for christ sakes! Good job the post man didn't deliver it to the wrong house and a neighbour open it by mistake.

Seems to me that you can't trust him NOT to buy potentially dangerous stuff and let's face it how are you going to even know from now on if it is or isn't? So the only solutions in my mind is he stops altogether or he leaves.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 07/03/2016 11:34

He had illegal drugs posted to your house?

Fucking hell.

You can't allow this to be a dynamic your daughter grows up in, OP.

Original poster
everybodysang · 07/03/2016 11:35

I can't just pop home, I have a two hour commute.

I am sitting in the toilets at work, had an early meeting outside the office and I can't bring myself to go up to my office yet, I am feeling so shocked.

I emailed back saying I thought he was lying to me and it was synthetic or he was utterly deluded. And that I couldn't believe he's got it sent to the house...

AAARGH wtf do I do?

If we break up I need to leave me job, my bloody dream job that I have worked so hard to get. We will need to move. Bloody hell.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 07/03/2016 11:36

I does sound like he has a bigger problem than he is letting on. He is making bad judgments that could seriously impact the family. Potentially having illegal stuff sent to the house, sent across borders, to a house with children in, no clear idea of what he was buying as the strength caught him out plus chosing to smoke before playing with your DD.

He really needs to be honest about his desire for the odd spliff as it seems like it is moving beyond that.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 07/03/2016 11:37

It not I

AnyFucker · 07/03/2016 11:38

You get my point though, yeah ?

When he waves you off for your 2 hour commute, he is likely to be doing a lot more than you think he is.

Does he do the childcare either end of the day ?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 07/03/2016 11:41

This could be an opportunity to get him to address the issue if he finally gets the message that it is far more serious than having a quick smoke in the garage once in a while. You have real justification for losing it with him now as he has been utterly irresponsible in a way that could have had serious consequences for the family.

NoCapes · 07/03/2016 11:46

CuteCat personally I don't drink around my children, no, but I have had a glass of wine when they're in bed a few times yes and wouldn't judge others who do
However wine and drugs are very different things, hence why one is illegal and one is not

To the 'it's just one spliff' brigade, yes it may be 'just one' but it's an illegal substance and it shouldn't be any. Where do you draw the line? 'It's just one line' 'it's just one injection' ??
Seriously, I think any amount of illegal substances is too much, if you don't, how do you decide how much is?
It's a very slippery slope

And yes I would say anyone that takes drugs or allows anyone who has taken drugs around their children is a shit parent
I am saddened that most parents don't think the same

seafoodeatit · 07/03/2016 11:57

Even going beyond the basics that illegal drugs fund crime, trafficking and exploitation, I would say no you did not overreact, if DH had been under the influence of any illegal drug he would be straight out of the door. I don't think it's unacceptable to have 0 tolerance to this sort of behavior, the context of 'rarely does it' is irrelevant to me, any time is one time too many.

If your oh thinks you overreacted or cannot see the reasoning behind why what he did was wrong on many levels then I suggest he see a therapist or drugs counselor to discuss his problem - because seeing drug use as a casual hobby is an issue.

JessicaRuby · 07/03/2016 11:58

NoCapes you do realise alcohol is a drug too? Hmm

And yes I would say anyone that takes drugs or allows anyone who has taken drugs around their children is a shit parent
I am saddened that most parents don't think the same

Well aren't you just the best parent ever in the whole world? It makes me laugh that you think it's ridiculous to compare wine to cannabis yet think nothing of comparing cannabis to bloody heroin!

I'm not a smoker btw and have no DCs (so no reason to lie about it) but I stand by what I said about some reactions being hysterical to smoking one joint. Which has now become clear that it's not what OP is dealing with, so yes she's not being unreasonable to issue him an ultimatum.

CauliflowerBalti · 07/03/2016 11:58

YANBU. He put getting wasted before playing with his daughter. Seriously not cool.

I'm not anti drugs. Or anti alcohol. Just anti being selfish.

Cutecat78 · 07/03/2016 12:01

Alcohol is a drug - the worst drug.

PalePolkaDot · 07/03/2016 12:01

I think you need to give yourself some thinking time. Can you talk to anyone on RL?

Your boundaries seem a bit confused to me - you're ok with him smoking weed sometimes, in/on the property you share with your DC, but not if they're awake? But if he's the sole adult present like this weekend? And may need to look after them a few hours later? Are you ok with him driving them after smoking? How long after?

You're not ok with him smoking synthetic stuff, bought off the internet but you're fine with him smoking real stuff bought off a drug dealer? In my mind unless you grow it yourself the lack of knowledge about what you're actually taking is the same?

My lines are a lot clearer and definitive than yours but we're all different and that's ok BUT you need to be really clear with yourself what your issues are and why.

CauliflowerBalti · 07/03/2016 12:01

Ohhhh... I just read the bit about the post.

No. No no no. That's really not cool, whether it's synthetic or not.

What kind of idiot is he?

NoCapes · 07/03/2016 12:05

Yes alcohol is considered a drug
So is caffeine
So is sugar

The difference? Legality
I trust that certain drugs are made illegal and some aren't because people who know more about the subject than I do know that some are safe in sensible quantities and some are not

Nowhere in my post did I say I'm the best parent in the world (wtf?)
And yes I can compare cannabis to heroin - as they're both illegal substances they are in the same category

You can't just pick and choose which laws to follow Hmm

TresDesolee · 07/03/2016 12:10

OP it sounds as though he's addicted. Dope can be highly habit-forming, I've got personal experience of this (pre kids I hasten to add)

IMO it's not about the substance so much as the fact that he couldn't put it off for 30 minutes. That's the behaviour of an addict. Addiction makes you shitty and selfish.

I wouldn't be so sure he's not doing it when you're not there, going on this incident alone.

I wouldn't LTB, but I would sit down with him and say you think he has an addiction. Lay it out for him how worrying it is that he couldn't put it aside for half an hour, and that his response to you calling him on it was so defensive (another classic piece of addict behaviour).

There's not a lot you can do about other people's addictions, but you can lay it on the line for him and see whether he's prepared to take it seriously. Just make sure you have very clear boundaries in your own head (and communicated to him) about what you won't tolerate.

JessicaRuby · 07/03/2016 12:13

Great, I'll start having glasses of wine instead of cups of tea or coffee at the office then. I'm sure my employer won't mind. It's legal after all! Wink

StickyToffeePuddingAndCustard · 07/03/2016 12:13

Cutecat does your sector of social care also close the cases pretty quickly of trafficked children recovered from cannabis farms (link in my last post)?

EOP strategic assessments, made up of intelligence submitted by police, UKBA, children’s services and NGOs, highlight cases of children and young people being trafficked into the UK and exploited in cannabis farms.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/03/2016 12:16

Ah fuck, what a mess!

He's been a total arse and no you haven't over-reacted.

I'm anti-drug in general and wouldn't be remotely happy if DH did any kind of drugs around the DC; but he's not likely to, he hasn't touched weed since he was 21 and gave up smoking at 26.

But you're different and that's up to you; however, I'd be concerned about his usage, if he felt the need to get that stoned in the 5 mins before he was supposed to be playing a game with his 5yo DD before she went to bed, having not seen her all weekend. THAT suggests to me that his usage has increased beyond what you are aware of, or that he's hooked on the synthetic. Either way, not good.

If his usage has increased, how much could you trust him not to be high while he's got your DD in his charge? I couldn't.

If he's on synthetics then I'd give him an ultimatum. I have a friend here in Australia whose DH got into the synthetic shit - and it made him extremely dodgy to be around. He got aggressive, he got nasty and he used it entirely too much. After only a few months she gave him an ultimatum - give it up or fuck off. So he did give it up but found it a lot harder to do than he had imagined it would be. It's evil stuff.

MuddhaOfSuburbia · 07/03/2016 12:16

Fuuuuck

That is at best incredibly stupid Sad

Poor you op

As to the extrapolations here of what he might be doing whilst you're not there-if he can't smoke a joint without losing it completely, its unlikely that he's doing it all the time iykwim

Have you had any problems with him using before?

StickyToffeePuddingAndCustard · 07/03/2016 12:18

But hey Jessica, if you don't know that the cannabis has come from human trafficking in the UK, who gives a shit? It's just one spliff.

AliceInUnderpants · 07/03/2016 12:20

OP You say you don't want it used around your child, so he goes to the garage? He is keeping it around the child. Whether it's used or not, surely you can see the risks of that?

JessicaRuby · 07/03/2016 12:21

StickyToffee in none of my posts have I given my personal opinion on cannabis or any other drugs.

I'm just pointing out the stupidity of saying that cannabis is closer to heroin than wine purely on the basis of it being illegal. And the little smug statement about being 'sad' that other parents don't subscribe to that view.

TresDesolee · 07/03/2016 12:24

Oh - and you're not a shit parent! You sound lovely, hard-working, responsible and willing to tell your DH where to get off. All good.

He's not being a great dad to his older kids though. Seeing papa high as a kite isn't great for them. Let alone what would happen if one of them needed to go to A&E or started choking or otherwise had a situation that needed a responsible adult to have their head screwed on. Or even just wanted to talk to him about something (stoned people are utterly useless to talk to!)