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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has been an arse but I may have overreacted...AIBU or not?

222 replies

everybodysang · 06/03/2016 21:55

I have been away with DD (5) for the weekend. Nowhere terribly exciting, just staying near some friends whose DD was having a birthday party and then we did a few nice things around the place. We had a lovely time.

DH wasn't with us as DSD and DSS were at ours for the weekend. All fine there.

Got home, after DD's bedtime but she really wanted to play a short game with both DH and I before bed, we agreed, he went off to "check on something" and came back 10 minutes later off his face. He'd obviously gone out to smoke a
joint, and he was really, really out of it. I told him it was obvious what was going on and he said he'd better go and lie down. I did shout at him - said he was pathetic.

Put DD to bed and then an hour later he came down, said I was overreacting and that I knew when we got together that he smoked cannabis sometimes.

To put it all into context he does smoke very rarely these days. But a while ago he got into the habit of smoking cannabis substitute he buys online - and I absolutely detest that. It seems so stupid and dangerous to just smoke whatever crap you've bought online.

He says it was cannabis tonight and that it was a bit stronger than he expected. I said I didn't really believe him, but it COULD be true.

I am not really bothered if he has the odd joint, really. I AM bothered that he hadn't seen DD all weekend and then went straight off for a smoke and was then too wasted to play her little game. I don't want her to see him like that. I don't want her to think that's ok. And if it IS synthetic crap he's bought online then I am very bothered about that as he could do himself real harm for such a stupid reason.

The AIBU bit is that I really yelled at him once she was in bed and he came back down. I said I hated him and he'd ruined the weekend for me and I wished I had never met him. Now I am in bed alone and he is in the spare room.

The thing is - I do hate him right now. I am so angry and upset. Is it an overreaction?

OP posts:
Phalenopsisgirl · 06/03/2016 22:34

What what WHAT! The fact you seem quite laid back about this is shocking! I am pretty liberal but to me acceptable recreational drug use means on a weekend where you happen to be completely child free you pretend you are still 19 and have a cheeky joint. Never ever is it ok to use when children are around. They shouldn't be subjected to that on any level

Costacoffeeplease · 06/03/2016 22:35

Seriously though, I am not going to leave him... but how to address it? He definitely thinks I am the one in the wrong

Good luck with that then

He's such a great dad but can't play with the daughter he hasn't seen all weekend but goes to smoke a joint instead?

jaxtsoldlady · 06/03/2016 22:36

I'm sure he would be bothered if you drank so much wine that you were shit faced and incapable of looking after DD.

Friendlystories · 06/03/2016 22:50

YANBU, if he's an occasional user (and I say this as a former habitual cannabis smoker) there is no excuse for sloping off for a smoke when he knew DD was waiting for him to play with her. I still believe, despite the problems I've had with it, that some people can use cannabis occasionally without it becoming a problem but if your DH feels compelled to use it when he knows he has to interact with DD that would indicate there is a problem here. Whether that problem is that he's using more often than you realise and feels he can't function without it or that he's being a total idiot and thinks it's ok to get wrecked before he plays with DD I obviously couldn't say. Either way it's completely reasonable for you to insist he doesn't smoke when there is any chance he may be interacting with or responsible for DD.

Charley50 · 06/03/2016 22:50

Everything in moderation. I suppose this is a good time to have a conversation about expectations, and that children need their parents to be 'present' not just there but not there.

ridemesideways · 06/03/2016 22:55

YANBU.

The fact is, he put his drug fix before his daughter. In that moment of agreeing to play with her, he thought "I want a joint". He snuck off like a sneaky schoolboy and is now painting you as the unreasonable one.

Not on, at all. I would be telling him if he ever takes drugs around the DC again that it would be the end.

imwithspud · 06/03/2016 22:55

YANBU. This would give me the rage.

I am quite liberal when it comes to cannabis use. However there's absolutely no reason for him to slink off to have a sneaky smoke when his daughter, who he hasn't seen all weekend is waiting to play a game before she goes off to bed. That is utterly selfish behaviour on his part and I would be questioning him as to why he couldn't wait the half an hour until she was in bed before indulging.

charlestonchaplin · 06/03/2016 22:59

I'm quite anti-drugs, probably to an irrational extent, but I also cannot stand people having shouting arguments around their children. It's very unsettling for children and generally easy to avoid but considered by many to be a minor misdemeanour.

Why couldn't you have a stern word without shouting once your daughter was in bed? Why do people shout hateful things they don't mean? First of all, they poison the relationship, which since you don't plan on leaving him, is a bad thing. Secondly, he will learn that you'll spew bile when you're angry, but you probably don't mean it, so he will just carry on as normal. The behaviour change you're looking for won't happen.

Puppymouse · 06/03/2016 23:00

Never used it before but seen the phrase "I'd rip him a new arsehole" on here a few times. It feels appropriate in this context.

Seriously OP. Your DH was in the middle of welcoming a child home and putting her to bed and came back off his tits. Wtaf?

VoldysGoneMouldy · 06/03/2016 23:00

He thinks you're being unreasonable, because you've told him you're okay with him smoking weed. And he wanted to smoke weed, and that took more importance over spending time with his daughter, who he hadn't seen for the weekend.

Can you not see how this issue has come around?

Also, completely completely agree with the poster who said that good parents don't get stoned in front of their young children.

cowbag1 · 06/03/2016 23:05

Doesn't sound like 'every now and then' if he smoked last night and tonight.

And he had his kids over and couldn't resist a joint? What a wonderful example he is setting them, it must make them feel great that he wants to be stoned when he has them over.

Wake up. You're in denial about his drug use and he sounds like a shit father and partner on that basis alone.

SatsukiKusakabe · 06/03/2016 23:06

You have a couple of problems here. One is the incredibly bad judgement he displayed doing this around, and instead of interacting with, your dd. Two is that he doesn't see anything wrong with it.

Further, he's so arrogant with it that he has you questioning whether or not it's actually ok.

Trust your initial reaction. This isn't being a good dad. I don't know how you are going to reconcile this. He'd have to acknowledge it was awful behaviour as a minimum, LTB is all very well to bandy about online, but honestly I couldn't imagine having to deal with this sort of crap in my family home with my kids around.

You say it's rare, but how sure are you of that? To slip away and do it at such a time seems indicative of a problem. He couldn't not do it, even though it was clearly inappropriate. Buying weird shit off the internet and ingesting it also. Sound, stable people just don't do that, and you know that, deep down. As someone said up thread, it's not reliving his youth on the odd child free weekend; he's buying a substitute for something he only has rarely? Doesn't make sense. Unless it's bullshit and then it makes perfect sense.

There is nothing you can put in the 'pro' good dad column that balances this. The fact is most dads do all the 'good' stuff without prioritising drugs over their children. I'm sorry you're in this situation. Hope you at least manage to discuss it and reach some kind of resolution.

Lovelydiscusfish · 06/03/2016 23:08

The fact that he did it before she went to bed appears to be the main issue here, if you are in general comfortable with it after dc's bedtime, within your relationship.
Dh and I sometimes have a glass or two (or sometimes three) of wine to unwind after dd is in bed. But we don't drink in front of her. Not saying it would necessarily be bad if we did, but that is just our agreed rule.
So if dh suddenly started drinking earlier, I'd be asking questions. Given our relationship, they would primarily be concerned ones, about his degree of stress, why he was feeling the need to do so, etc. but they could also be cross, angry ones, if, for example, he was appearing drunk in front of dd.

ohtheholidays · 06/03/2016 23:14

No,no over reaction.I couldn't be with someone who took drugs no matter what it was!

I saw the damage to my friends lifes when I was growing up.One girl I knew who was a couple of years younger than me died the first time she tried something,she was 13 at the time.She'd learnt that behaviour from home because her Mum was a user,one of her older brothers became a glue sniffer and her oldest brother had drug problems for years and now his oldest son has gone onto be the same.

I think you have to make a choice once you decide to have children,you have to try and be the best person you can for them.For me it would be the same if it was someone who drunk alot,I wouldn't have them around my children neither.

CrazyCatLaydee123 · 06/03/2016 23:17

Show him this in the morning when he's stopped being a knob. Perhaps the vehemence of mumsnet will make him see the error of his ways.

FeedMyFaceWithJaffaCakes · 06/03/2016 23:18

This boy is 19.
In America.
One hit of synthetic cannabis. His first time.
Coma for four days, on life support: the works, then he died.
It's real nasty shit.

FeedMyFaceWithJaffaCakes · 06/03/2016 23:22

And another young girl.
FYI, you can buy alot of this shite on the Internet. Maybe it's the stuff your DH enjoys OP, maybe it's not. But synthetics are no joke.

DH has been an arse but I may have overreacted...AIBU or not?
MadamDeathstare · 06/03/2016 23:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aintnothinbutagstring · 06/03/2016 23:36

Funny how you've defended him using the middle-class hardworking professional card OP. Smoking drugs and being stoned around your kids is scummy and base, I don't care what social class you're from.

Only1scoop · 06/03/2016 23:48

Agree with pp....I cringed at that statement.

SolidGoldBrass · 06/03/2016 23:49

Some people are ridiculously hysterical about both drugs and drink (WAAAAH, someone had a glass of WINE when there was a child in the house WHATIFYOUHAVETODRIVE WAAAAH completely ignoring the fact that plenty of people raise children effectively without car ownership). It sounds as though this man a) behaved selfishly in smoking a joint rather than playing with DD and b) got a lot more stoned than he expected because he was smoking something he had no way of assessing the likely effects of.

Neither of these things are very good, but neither of them are hideous, life-wrecking offences, either. People make mistakes. Parents sometimes indulge themselves a bit unwisely. (Decriminalisation of recreational drugs would probably cut down the danger of enjoying them as there would be better information on what you are getting for your money, but that's another issue.)

If he's generally a good parent and a good partner who made a mistake, bollock him and move on. However, if there is an ongoing pattern of selfishness and incompetence and expecting you to pick up the pieces, maybe time for a rethink about your situation?

ReginaBlitz · 07/03/2016 00:08

You both need to grow the fuck up. Him for smoking drugs and you for thinking it's ok, you really want to be with a blike that puts drugs before his daughter? Shocking.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 07/03/2016 00:15

What SGB said, bollock him and move on.

MrsWigster1991 · 07/03/2016 00:15

Kids pick up on things. He's spent all weekend with his other kids and couldn't play one game with his DD he hasn't seen all weekend because he needed to smoke drugs.
Wow.

zippey · 07/03/2016 00:26

Classic bad parenting from both dad and mum here. Dad for getting stoned off his tits and mum for condoning it.

This isn't a glass of wine, it's the equivalent to a bottle of wine, and that's not taking account of its legal status.

Occasional bad parenting doesn't make you bad parents of course. Good luck, but I feel sorry for your child. She needs better role models in her life.

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